My heart has thawed and continues to beat

1. Song of the Day. It made me tear up. My mood is still closer to this (minus the last bit about pre-determined destiny, that is. I don't believe that. I relate to everything else though), particularly because I haven't left that staying-in-bed-for-most-of-the-day phase yet, but I have started feeling a shift. I'm incredibly stressed right now, to the point where all this unemployment stuff is making me feel nearly desperate (like, "Will I be able to keep living? What options do I have if I run out of money?"-desperate. I don't mean to scare people, but I need to be honest. A big issue is that certain jobs still feel off-limit to me, too, because of social anxiety. I feel trapped), but at least when those thoughts come up now they sound more bad than good. Still acceptable, but more bad than good. That's something, right? I may not exactly be gung-ho for life, but I don't like being forced into anything either, and for the first time in a long while I'm fighting the idea of death not just because I know I'm supposed to (and have told myself to in the past, i.e. the resolutions I've made with myself), but because I actually don't feel ready to die yet. So, yeah. That has to be worth something. I'm kind of in limbo.

That being said, things are very tenuous right now. Even if everything "works out" in a best-case scenario, it means getting a job. That stresses me out too. Deep breaths, in & out. It's all I can do. One step at a time. At least yesterday I both got the mail *and* opened it (yes, when you're like this--that's a task), and did the math to confirm that even with lesser benefits--if I do indeed qualify for the extended 20 weeks; they drop you to 80% of what you previously earned--I can still pay bills. It will be ridiculously tight, but that's fine. I have lived VERY cheaply before. I intentionally move into apartments with rent that's a good deal below what I can afford for this exact reason (plus it helps that, A. I don't have a car, B. I don't have a cell phone, C. I don't have anyone or anything depending on me, and D. I've never had any credit cards). You never know what situation you'll find yourself in. The only debt I have is from student loans & medical bills (and technically I'm a little behind on my electric bill, but not by much. Otherwise, there's simply rent + phone/internet/cable, & the miscellaneous stuff like medication & groceries & bus passes, etc). I also emailed my old friend/coworker to ask her for the address/name/phone number of the place where she works so I can go over & apply in person. I *really* don't want to work in a call center again--God, I hate it--but it would be close by, I have tons of experience in that area, and it would be better than sitting at home every day. Theoretically, it might make finding another job easier too, because then I could put on my resume that I'm currently employed, which looks better than "Hey, I've been unemployed for four months straight. Wanna hire me?" Know what I mean? I have to call the unemployment place before I do anything else though. I tried yesterday, but I called in the afternoon & the hold time was absurd. It's for the best anyway, because it allowed me to open the letter first, which they said you're supposed to do, though I don't see what difference it makes. But whatever. Today--8 am. I call. And panic. But call, regardless. Yay.[/monotone sarcasm]

2. My head has been hurting SO BAD the last week or so. I don't know how much of it is stress & how much is reducing the dose of the topamax (in fairness, I hate to admit it, but I've been even more terrible about eating, too. It's like my body suddenly feeling hungry made me even more determined to go without. I'm trying to deal with it. I did just finally have some Taco Bell, so, hey). I was going to make tonight my first night going off it completely, but the whole "staying in bed all day" deal screwed me up & consequently I missed getting the refill I needed for my antidepressent. Thus I missed it yesterday AND today. I don't want to throw my body for a crazy loop, so I'll wait on the topamax. And of course get my refill for the prozac tomorrow. Not really something I want to go without right now.

P.S. Sorry for all the body/brain talk, btw. For those of you who've never dealt with it, it's probably really boring, I know. It's what I'm dealing with right now, though. It helps me to break it down bit by bit sometimes.

3. On a positive note, the Cherry Blossom trees on my street are in bloom. Despite my allergies, that's my favorite part of spring. It'll depend on how I'm feeling, but I would like to take a walk soon (i.e. a ~Jaunty Woodland Walk~ along the nearby trails, like I used to--helpful link for pic-filled tree-hugging). I know I've been saying that forever, but the seasons changing does help up the motivation factor a little. We'll see.

4. I, like Cher in Clueless, love a good project--especially one that helps me feel more organized while also distracting me & wasting a bunch of time. As a result, I have a bunch of new tags now: Van Gogh-Go Gadget Cliched Artist (for pics of, you guessed it, my art), Voice Posts (I feel like they should have a tag. They're unique like that. P.S. Some of you don't know me well yet, so if there's questions you'd like to ask--ones I can answer in five minutes or less--feel free to drop them in the comments & I can do another voice post if you want. Woot woot. This counts for you lurkers too. I SEE YOU THERE. Heh. I won't bite!), Emotions Are Better on Paper (as an explanation for new flistmates: last summer, in an effort to better express certain feelings that otherwise were hard for me to access unfiltered, I began writing on paper--stream of consciousness/just-let it out-shit, in other words--and would sometimes later share it here. In many ways, I actually believe it's what helped lead me to finally writing fic. FYI, that tag also includes old poetry from ye olde teenaged days of yore, which I typed up. Be afraid), and, lastly, I Am a Special Snowflake (ASD-ish stuff. a.k.a. "I relate to Brennan: ASK ME HOW!").

Fun, fun.

Also: I'm even going to add to one of the above-mentioned tags…right now. *gasp* I KNOW. IT'S SO EXCITING. Heh. ( I uploaded some more of my old art. Feel free to come & take a looksie )

5. I'm so behind on my flist, and have enough piling up in my head as it is, so I'm just going to do a disorganized rundown of what I thought regarding Bones now, sans notes/rewatch. ( Bones ramblin' )

My Vid of the Day comes from TheLovelyBones1 and is a wonderfully edited take on B/B between episodes 6x09 & 6x13. Intense & delicious. This is where they're comin' from, folks. Remembering that makes the (still coming--it's just beginning & things are always repressed under the surface with them; don't forget that) happytimes that much more powerful. I'd go so far as to say they're *still* holding back a little. This vid shows a little of the KAPOW-quality I think we'll continue to see slowly rise (not all at once, but in bits) on their way towards them being a real couple. They're like pressure cookers, these two. I swear.

As someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly

For once, I actually have nothing but positive things to write about. Let's take advantage of this & jot them down:

-I called the unemployment office. I qualify for extended benefits. My weekly amount will *not* go down--I misunderstood the letter--and I am safe for the next 20 weeks. If I still don't have a job by the end of July, I can call back & potentially qualify for the next tier of extended benefits, which also should be the same amount & simply last a shorter amount of time. Hopefully I won't need to do that though. That's still four months away.

I can't even explain how relieved I was when I found out. The call was WAY simple & the lady I spoke with was really nice. The hold time wasn't even nearly as long this time. I just feel really lucky right now, like I can take a deep breath & clear my head.

-I finally, FINALLY put away my fake Christmas Tree. I also cleaned up the pastels & paper that had been sitting on my living room floor--basically unmoved--since I used them with Isabella last year. Doing so meant me looking at these pictures (tw warning), which was the first time I'd seen them (off the computer) in a long time as they had been intentionally flipped over/covered. I feel like it means something (not hugely, in some grand cheesy way, but just a little), putting those pieces away in the closet with all my other old art. Putting it *away*, y'know? It's symbolic. I like things like that.

-Remember how my hair was thinning/falling out last year? I took a shower today--another positive thing; I can't remember when I took one last; I even straightened it afterward with the flat-iron--and the spots where I used to be able to lift layers of hair & see big, random patches of my scalp have almost entirely filled back in. Just goes to show--my doctor was right. She told me hair loss like that can happen anywhere between 3-6 months after an extremely stressful and/or traumatic life event, and in my case she was right on the dot, timing-wise. I'm sure the anemia didn't help either, but still. It's amazing how much stress can affect the body, especially in cases like that, when it doesn't happen until later.

It'll be nice to be able to start complaining about my hair being too thick again. Heh.

-My Bones-friends are rapidly being converted to the wondahs of BSG. First, we've got bloodwrites, who also gave me joyface by talking about Dollhouse in her last entry (P.S. if you're reading this, bb, I'm sorry I haven't replied yet to answer your request for BSG vids/fics. Hee. I love that I'm the one people think of for that stuff though. I'll try to hook you up soon!), and then we've also got gina227, who cracked me up with her last entry, flailing about the s1 finale (y'all know how I feel about that Opera House scene! eialhaoilghoighg). I LOVE WATCHING MY FRIENDS GET INTO MY SHOWS. IT'S MY MOST FAVORITE, FAVORITEST THING EVER.

-I went outside today while it was actually still light, got food, and though I don't know yet if I'll eat a second meal before the night is over or not--I still feel good about that. Going outside before dark has become a ~thing~ for me lately. You have to face more people & they can see you more easily and…yeah. It's more difficult. I even smiled & said hello to a neighbor. CRAZY.

-It feels like spring all of a sudden. I already mentioned the Cherry Blossom trees in my last entry, but seriously: it was almost warm enough to take off my jacket out there. I have my blinds slightly open right now (just slightly--ew, bright lighting & people staring in. Heh. NOT A FAN), along with the sliding glass door so my place can actually air out a bit.

It carries positive associations for me, because I was SO determined last spring--right after everything started to really hit the fan--to move on & survive, change my life, and be happy. On one hand, I'm nowhere near "over" things yet, and I still have a long way to go, but I do feel like it has to count for something that I've MADE IT through all of this, that I didn't just bare-knuckle it but I actually *felt* a lot of it--not all, but at least STARTED to--and I'm still here. It doesn't mean the depression is gone (one day of a few positive things/vaguely good mood doesn't equal "I'm all better!"--I've learned that before the hard way), nor does it mean things like Mother's Day or my nephew's birthday etc won't potentially cause problems for me in the upcoming months, but hey, again, it has to count for something that I'm still here. Right? And I've had at least one day again that felt partially good. That's something to appreciate, particularly after many, many days that were not even remotely good. Certainly not under the surface (and of course often blatantly as well). I mean, I can still feel the depression & pain & stress & bla bla bla under the surface now too, but the "good" on top of it feels more authentic/substantial. I don't know if that even makes sense, but there you go.

Of course the ACA in me is fighting feelings of nervousness because of this, like, "THE OTHER SHOE COULD DROP AT ANY MINUTE! YOU ARE GOING TO JINX EVERYTHING IF YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE HAVING A DECENT DAY." Oh, issues.

Anyway, that's all for now. For my Vid of the Day, I'm gonna recycle one of my faves from sczep84 in honor of the one-year anniversary for Adama & Roslin sweeping The Shipper Showdown like a couple of frakkin' champs. Let us not forget I even switched my vote from Mulder & Scully. THAT'S HOW MUCH I LOVE THESE TWO. Also, that's how good sumpta's campaigning was. Heh. Seriously. That girl was on a mission. Much respect.