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Grief, TV, and more
Oct. 11th, 2013 08:10 pmI don't talk about this much here anymore, but my grief over my mother's death is still an almost constant companion, and tonight it's hitting me where it hurts. It came about while I was trying to tell myself that everything will be okay--my stomach has been hurting all day, and I've been plagued by worries since yesterday--and then I remembered how it *didn't* turn out okay between my mom and I. And then I had this flash of memory of her in her hospital bed, unconscious, and only able to make expressions when I talked to her -- no verbal response. It still kills me that I wasn't able to have an actual conversation with her in the end & that I never can now, at least not until I die (if there's an afterlife, which I mostly believe there is). I still have a sometimes overwhelming amount of regret & shame over how things ended. I know it wasn't just me that created the conflict between us, and I know that I did what I thought was best at the time--I did what I could manage--but there were times when I wish my anger hadn't fueled my responses to her, times when I wish I could've been more removed & compassionate. I wish I'd called her during those last few months before her death, when I was thinking about doing it. I had this sense that she might not live much longer at the time, but I also was used to seeing her as invincible. She'd been through so much in her life & always just kept on truckin'. For her to die from what should've been a simple surgery just seems ridiculous. Sometimes I still have a hard time accepting that it's real, like there should be some way I could bring her back. But it doesn't work that way. Still, I look at my future all laid out, year after year, and it's so painful to know that I'll have to go through all of it without her. She could be so cruel & difficult sometimes, which my sister reminded me of tonight, and she reminded me that my mom repeatedly said before dying that she forgave me. And I've forgiven her for all the times she treated me horribly, so I know I should find a way to forgive myself. But I'm just not there yet, and in the meantime it's sometimes totally overwhelming.
Anyway, I just thought it would help if I wrote about it here. I think some of it is a delayed grief reaction from her birthday, because I was too sick that day to really think about it. It also doesn't help that the holidays are coming up, or that I finally started my period yesterday (so I'm super emotional in general). It doesn't help either that my stomach has been hurting all day, because being sick always makes me feel lonely & vulnerable. Like a small child with a boo-boo who just wants her mommy to make it better. I just want to get to a place where I'm at peace with what happened, at least most of the time, but I don't think I'm anywhere near that goal. I still feel like I need constant reassurance from people that I'm not a bad person. I think it's going to take a long time, or that maybe it'll never happen. I don't know. I worry that my dad is going to die & I'll feel guilty for not trying harder (though I tried as hard as I could, considering how he was behaving, but it's never enough & his mindfucking still always gets to me) to make a relationship with him, but how can I? He's the one who ignored my messages for a year, then accused me of lying that I didn't have his new number (after I'd asked repeatedly for it through those fb messages) and then hung up on me. He's the one who didn't care that my mom died, and he's also the one who didn't call me on my birthday. But of course, in his mind, I'd be the bad guy for not contacting him on his birthday later this year. He's just so manipulative and abusive, and even my counselor tells me I'm probably better off without him in my life. But I don't want to have guilt over not continuing to try later, and yet I also really don't want to reach out & get hurt again. I was thinking of sending a card on Christmas telling him that I still want to have a better relationship with him, and that I'd like to hear from him, but I'm not going to be holding my breath that he'll respond. It'd be easier than dealing with him over the phone, assuming he'd even talk to me. Who knows. It's just a sucky situation all around.
I know all this is just more reason for me to probably start attending ACA meetings again, but my health keeps getting in the way. Hopefully I can soon though.
In other news, I'm going to see my sister & her kids tomorrow, and I need to have a conversation with my nephew because apparently he overheard something about me wanting to take my life, and now he constantly worries about me & asks my sister if I'm okay. I need to commit to living, and let him know I'll get help if I feel that way again, and that it's not up to him to fix it for me. I also need to talk to him about his temper, because he recently slapped his sister in the face again, and I know he's getting it from his asshole father. Meanwhile Isabella still refuses to see him, and the other night he said in front of her that he didn't want to see her anyway, and that he "has more fun when it's only Jayden there." He's such an asshole it's just unbelievable, and it gives me such deja vu over how things went down between my dad, me, and my sister way back when. Just like me, Jayden walks on eggshells not to set his dad off, and he wants his love desperately, & looks up to him in ways as well; Isabella is more like my sister and isn't afraid to stand up for herself. I wish he'd just move far away or something, because I think he's a terrible influence on both of them. And it reminds me of how angry I still am that my mom had to die and my fuckface of a father got to live. Of course I still would've grieved his death too, but even with all the bad things my mom did over the years, the good things she did still totally beat his superficial attempts at being a parent a million times over. I feel like I need to talk to my niece too, because I really want people to be telling her right now that it's not her fault he acts the way he does, and that it's wrong how he's treating her. I know all this is still going to affect her as she grows up though, just as it'll affect her brother, and I hate that I can't change that. I still can't even keep my dad & his bullshit out of my head at 31.
Moving on, I thought I'd talk for a sec about American Horror Story's premiere. I expected it to be full of batshit crazyness, and of course it was. I'm still in awe of Jessica Lange, and I'm still looking forward to the rest of this season, though I do think the show is sometimes problematic. For instance, I think it would be nice if the show could go a single season without using rape for the purpose of horror, and I think it's kind of shitty that there haven't been many racial minorities up until now & when it finally does it's to see slaves being horribly abused. It just seems a little over the line, particularly because it's based on a true story, or at least the rumors of a true story. I'm hoping that Kathy Bates' character gets it in the end, much like Bloody Face & his son did last season (which made me feel like watching poor Lana Banana get tortured was worth it, because her survival & eventual victory over them was so vindicating). I guess we'll just see. Either way, I know watching Jessica Lange, Kathy Bates, and Angela Bassett all together is going to be epic.
Anyway, I just thought it would help if I wrote about it here. I think some of it is a delayed grief reaction from her birthday, because I was too sick that day to really think about it. It also doesn't help that the holidays are coming up, or that I finally started my period yesterday (so I'm super emotional in general). It doesn't help either that my stomach has been hurting all day, because being sick always makes me feel lonely & vulnerable. Like a small child with a boo-boo who just wants her mommy to make it better. I just want to get to a place where I'm at peace with what happened, at least most of the time, but I don't think I'm anywhere near that goal. I still feel like I need constant reassurance from people that I'm not a bad person. I think it's going to take a long time, or that maybe it'll never happen. I don't know. I worry that my dad is going to die & I'll feel guilty for not trying harder (though I tried as hard as I could, considering how he was behaving, but it's never enough & his mindfucking still always gets to me) to make a relationship with him, but how can I? He's the one who ignored my messages for a year, then accused me of lying that I didn't have his new number (after I'd asked repeatedly for it through those fb messages) and then hung up on me. He's the one who didn't care that my mom died, and he's also the one who didn't call me on my birthday. But of course, in his mind, I'd be the bad guy for not contacting him on his birthday later this year. He's just so manipulative and abusive, and even my counselor tells me I'm probably better off without him in my life. But I don't want to have guilt over not continuing to try later, and yet I also really don't want to reach out & get hurt again. I was thinking of sending a card on Christmas telling him that I still want to have a better relationship with him, and that I'd like to hear from him, but I'm not going to be holding my breath that he'll respond. It'd be easier than dealing with him over the phone, assuming he'd even talk to me. Who knows. It's just a sucky situation all around.
I know all this is just more reason for me to probably start attending ACA meetings again, but my health keeps getting in the way. Hopefully I can soon though.
In other news, I'm going to see my sister & her kids tomorrow, and I need to have a conversation with my nephew because apparently he overheard something about me wanting to take my life, and now he constantly worries about me & asks my sister if I'm okay. I need to commit to living, and let him know I'll get help if I feel that way again, and that it's not up to him to fix it for me. I also need to talk to him about his temper, because he recently slapped his sister in the face again, and I know he's getting it from his asshole father. Meanwhile Isabella still refuses to see him, and the other night he said in front of her that he didn't want to see her anyway, and that he "has more fun when it's only Jayden there." He's such an asshole it's just unbelievable, and it gives me such deja vu over how things went down between my dad, me, and my sister way back when. Just like me, Jayden walks on eggshells not to set his dad off, and he wants his love desperately, & looks up to him in ways as well; Isabella is more like my sister and isn't afraid to stand up for herself. I wish he'd just move far away or something, because I think he's a terrible influence on both of them. And it reminds me of how angry I still am that my mom had to die and my fuckface of a father got to live. Of course I still would've grieved his death too, but even with all the bad things my mom did over the years, the good things she did still totally beat his superficial attempts at being a parent a million times over. I feel like I need to talk to my niece too, because I really want people to be telling her right now that it's not her fault he acts the way he does, and that it's wrong how he's treating her. I know all this is still going to affect her as she grows up though, just as it'll affect her brother, and I hate that I can't change that. I still can't even keep my dad & his bullshit out of my head at 31.
Moving on, I thought I'd talk for a sec about American Horror Story's premiere. I expected it to be full of batshit crazyness, and of course it was. I'm still in awe of Jessica Lange, and I'm still looking forward to the rest of this season, though I do think the show is sometimes problematic. For instance, I think it would be nice if the show could go a single season without using rape for the purpose of horror, and I think it's kind of shitty that there haven't been many racial minorities up until now & when it finally does it's to see slaves being horribly abused. It just seems a little over the line, particularly because it's based on a true story, or at least the rumors of a true story. I'm hoping that Kathy Bates' character gets it in the end, much like Bloody Face & his son did last season (which made me feel like watching poor Lana Banana get tortured was worth it, because her survival & eventual victory over them was so vindicating). I guess we'll just see. Either way, I know watching Jessica Lange, Kathy Bates, and Angela Bassett all together is going to be epic.
