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Hey, peoples. I love this laptop, but I hate typing on it. The keys are different, and I hate that. Anyway, sorry to start this out with a complaint, but yeah. This entry's going to have more than a few complaints. For one, I've been feeling out of my mind anxious the last few days, to the point where I was debating with my therapist whether I needed to go back into the psych ward again (she also called my sister and told me not to let me leave for at least a couple more days. I was supposed to be able to see a psychiatrist that day too, but due to a family emergency, he was gone for the rest of the afternoon. So I met with another guy for like five minutes between his sessions and all he did was tell me I could take 5 klonopin per day rather than 4. It's not enough, at all. I won't lie; I've been taking six a day more than once). I don't even know why. It started when I wanted to go home, but halfway there I couldn't stop crying about it for some reason. My sister thinks it's all the change, particularly with my diet and my energy level. She also theorizes that it could be how I'm taking my meds -- I'm supposed to crush them & eat them with yogurt or jello or something, but I can still taste it, and the other day had to run to the bathroom and threw it all up all over the place. I don't know if that means I'm not absorbing it well enough; I think they just wanted me to crush them up to avoid them getting stuck on my stomach/intestine lining or something. I need to talk to my surgeon about it, which I was supposed to do today, but the appointment was at like 8 o'clock, and I woke up too late to make it there on the bus. I did talk to a nurse on staff yesterday though, and she told me that---contradictory to my previous advice from my dietition--I'm NOT supposed to be eating white bread/rice/pasta (though I *might* be able to experiment with whole wheat pasta? I don't know. I'm confused). I'm supposed to watch my carbs, so like if I have chicken and gravy, I'm supposed to skip the mashed potatoes and maybe eat some well-cooked, soft veggies (like carrots). And I got flushed & sick the other day, and she told me that means my body was rejecting the food. I couldn't even have half a cup of ice cream, despite the fact that it was at my limit of 14 grams of sugar. UGH. Carbs are a major part of my diet. I have no idea really what to eat now. No cereal, no sandwiches. Only really low sugar oatmeal for breakfast, if it exists. Or malt-o-meal or whatever. Or scrambled eggs, which I like, but I don't make them very well. And stuff like tuna for lunch with some fruit. NO THANK YOU. And I hate cooking, and I'm not a fan of veggies really besides carrots really. I can maybe handle it once a day, but breakfast & lunch are going to be hard. I'm going to ask if I can buy some of those microwave low-carb meals (I plan on buying a working microwave once I get that $15,000). Fortunately, this isn't forever though. Eventually they're going to try to transition me back to a more normal diet. But I don't know if they can if I'm having dumping syndrome symptoms, unless they can change over time. I can only eat really soft things too, and if I eat meat, it has to be very small bites. Kill me now.
I got into a big fight with my sister the other day too. It was one of those situations where a (mostly) neurotypical person can't deal with the fact that you have mental illnesses. So like when I was acting anxious or telling her how I was feeling (especially after she told me Nanny said she wouldn't help me if I didn't get the money in time to pay my rent), she just could. not. get it. Not at first anyway. At one point she said, "I think you just need something to worry about.", which she later claimed was a joke, but in my opinion it was a pretty mean-spirited one. And she keeps bringing up the $15,000, like it's supposed to solve all my other problems, all "if you don't want it, give it to me!" And she keeps making comments about how "lucky" I am, as if I don't deserve it. She also keeps saying things like "I just can't deal with you." And then right in front of Jayden she said, "I can't wait until you go home; actually you can get the hell out of my house today." Jayden asked what was going on with us, and I answered honestly ("your mom's being a jerk"), and he replied "Yeah, I can tell." And that just made her more furious. So I went to my counselor the next day & couldn't stop crying, but because I kept talking about suicide & self-harm, she actually said she thought being with my sister was safer. Eventually we talked it out, but it's still tense between us, and I'm ready to go home, except that I don't feel *ready* to take care of myself. If that makes sense. I'm just stressed the hell out, and I'm grateful for the disability money, incredibly so, but it does bring other worries with it (whether I'll get it in time to pay rent, whether it'll be renewed every year, whether it'll get rid of my medicaid...)
I asked the nurse to give me another prescription of dilaudid (because I've been in pain & I think that's adding to my anxiety too + I just stopped it cold turkey rather than tapering off, so it's possible I'm experiencing withdrawal even though I only took it for like two weeks. I don't know), and she gave me 30 this time, and 10 trazadone to help me sleep, I'm still so anxious I can't sit or lie still without bouncing a leg, but at least I don't *feel* like I'm crawling out of my skin as much. It makes me wonder if that was another reason my mom got addicted to them -- not just for a high, but to help her relax. I wish I could talk to her about it now.
I'm starting by only taking the dilaudid like twice a day instead of three, or at least less in general. And then I plan on tapering off as the pain hopefully continues to decrease. It's hard though because even if my stomach pain is doing better, I still have the chronic migraines.
In other stressful news, I owe my campus $600-something dollars because I quit my classes last term. I haven't had to do that before, but whatever. It won't be a problem once I start getting my disability money, but I don't know when I'll get that. And I don't know how it'll affect my medicaid, like I just said. And here at my sister's, the only way I can use the phone if she's gone is to use my cell, which is out of minutes for the rest of the month. Oy. So it's next to impossible to figure this stuff out, especially when I'm too stressed to try to look it up online.
One of the worst parts about being with my sister in the same home (and one of the biggest reasons I'm grateful I won't have to move in with her now) is that she treats me differently. When we're apart, we can have phone calls, and if there's a fight, we can give each other a break and then make up quickly (these days, at least). We also talk more throughout the day. When we're together, however, she's busy with everything and takes her stress out on me and hardly talks to me at all unless it's out of exasperation. So, yeah, I'm going to ask my sister how to cook chicken and gravy, in case it's different than I'd do it, and then I want to go home on Sunday.
No vid of the Day this time because I'm feeling lazy.
I got into a big fight with my sister the other day too. It was one of those situations where a (mostly) neurotypical person can't deal with the fact that you have mental illnesses. So like when I was acting anxious or telling her how I was feeling (especially after she told me Nanny said she wouldn't help me if I didn't get the money in time to pay my rent), she just could. not. get it. Not at first anyway. At one point she said, "I think you just need something to worry about.", which she later claimed was a joke, but in my opinion it was a pretty mean-spirited one. And she keeps bringing up the $15,000, like it's supposed to solve all my other problems, all "if you don't want it, give it to me!" And she keeps making comments about how "lucky" I am, as if I don't deserve it. She also keeps saying things like "I just can't deal with you." And then right in front of Jayden she said, "I can't wait until you go home; actually you can get the hell out of my house today." Jayden asked what was going on with us, and I answered honestly ("your mom's being a jerk"), and he replied "Yeah, I can tell." And that just made her more furious. So I went to my counselor the next day & couldn't stop crying, but because I kept talking about suicide & self-harm, she actually said she thought being with my sister was safer. Eventually we talked it out, but it's still tense between us, and I'm ready to go home, except that I don't feel *ready* to take care of myself. If that makes sense. I'm just stressed the hell out, and I'm grateful for the disability money, incredibly so, but it does bring other worries with it (whether I'll get it in time to pay rent, whether it'll be renewed every year, whether it'll get rid of my medicaid...)
I asked the nurse to give me another prescription of dilaudid (because I've been in pain & I think that's adding to my anxiety too + I just stopped it cold turkey rather than tapering off, so it's possible I'm experiencing withdrawal even though I only took it for like two weeks. I don't know), and she gave me 30 this time, and 10 trazadone to help me sleep, I'm still so anxious I can't sit or lie still without bouncing a leg, but at least I don't *feel* like I'm crawling out of my skin as much. It makes me wonder if that was another reason my mom got addicted to them -- not just for a high, but to help her relax. I wish I could talk to her about it now.
I'm starting by only taking the dilaudid like twice a day instead of three, or at least less in general. And then I plan on tapering off as the pain hopefully continues to decrease. It's hard though because even if my stomach pain is doing better, I still have the chronic migraines.
In other stressful news, I owe my campus $600-something dollars because I quit my classes last term. I haven't had to do that before, but whatever. It won't be a problem once I start getting my disability money, but I don't know when I'll get that. And I don't know how it'll affect my medicaid, like I just said. And here at my sister's, the only way I can use the phone if she's gone is to use my cell, which is out of minutes for the rest of the month. Oy. So it's next to impossible to figure this stuff out, especially when I'm too stressed to try to look it up online.
One of the worst parts about being with my sister in the same home (and one of the biggest reasons I'm grateful I won't have to move in with her now) is that she treats me differently. When we're apart, we can have phone calls, and if there's a fight, we can give each other a break and then make up quickly (these days, at least). We also talk more throughout the day. When we're together, however, she's busy with everything and takes her stress out on me and hardly talks to me at all unless it's out of exasperation. So, yeah, I'm going to ask my sister how to cook chicken and gravy, in case it's different than I'd do it, and then I want to go home on Sunday.
No vid of the Day this time because I'm feeling lazy.
