So, not only did I manage to finally write that fic I was talking about for weeks now (it was only like a thousand words, but STILL. All those hours of watching prison shows finally paid off! Haha), but I also feel like writing an entry for once instead of just lazily creating a video. LJ may be dead, but not on my watch. (though I do plan to re-post all my fanfics elsewhere soon too, because LJ is in fact so dead, but still. It's the thought that counts)
-I ran out of the ativan they gave me at the ER on Thursday, and when I returned to my outpatient therapy program on Friday, my anxiety was batshit again. Not only did I have a migraine by lunch-time, but I could hardly stand to be around people. I started crying right in front of everyone. One girl took me outside and talked to me for a while, but it wasn't enough to calm me down. I talked to my program therapist too, and I mentioned that I felt like I maybe needed to go across the street to the hospital again, and she was like, "you'll need your support person to go with you," so I was like, "um, okay. Nevermind then. She's at work." I should have just told them I was going home (which I did) and then gone to the hospital alone. It's not like they could've stopped me (WTF do you even need the support person for anyway?!). But, alas, I'm a rule-follower, so I told her I was going home & did so.
Unfortunately, going home and taking a nap didn't help the anxiety either, and I ended up asking my new friend Alexandra to drive me to the hospital later (I was too impatient for a cab, since the traffic was bad, and she lives close to me). Honestly, I thought I was going to be admitted again, since I was telling them I felt unsafe because of how bad my anxiety was and like I might impulsively attempt suicide again, but the (once again) rude-ass ER doctor was all, "what would you like US to do for you?" Like, what is the mystery here? I came & told you I felt like I was going to kill myself. It shouldn't be UP TO ME what we do here. It took everything in me just to come here. He was all, "would you like us to treat the anxiety & send you home or admit you?" Then they started saying if I stayed they couldn't guarantee the psych wouldn't just lower my anti-anxiety meds down further, because of the psych who started doing that at my clinic (the one who hadn't even seen or talked with me yet, just changed my meds because she theorized that the klonopin was increasing my depression), and telling me they thought I was "only psychologically withdrawing" from the dilaudid at that point. Well then, sounds like I was doing just fine! Good thing it was only in my head! What a typical hysterical little woman, flipping out over nothing as usual!
Oh, and did I mention they stuck me in the white room of doom again? And that
keenai found
this expose about the practice (bear in mind the room I stayed in--for HOURS without human contact--was half the size of the one in that photo).
I ended up just asking them for another small 'script for ativan and going home (hopefully once I'm out of this dose of ativan, the anxiety will have naturally lowered). I then saw my family doctor the next day who gave me an additional 'script for an antihistamine often used for anxiety (which isn't habit-forming) as well as a different triptan for my migraines (one that's supposed to be good for menstrual migraines especially, but I have to wait for my doctor's prior authorization to go through with the insurance before they'll *maybe* cover it It's like $400 on its own). She also gave me a small 'script of oxycodone, which I lost the next day. No, I'm not kidding. I'm pretty sure I knocked it into the trash or something and accidentally threw it away, because it is NOWHERE, and no one else had ANY access to it but me. I am so over my messed-up memory, guys. I was pissed about it allllll yesterday, and I still kinda am. Ugh, motherfucker.
She also gave me a referral to wound care again for my former feeding tube site (FOREVER BLEEDING NBD) as well as referrals to physical therapy because she thinks my neck is messed up and contributing to my migraines plus acupuncture. I see the wound care people tomorrow, and I should hear from the others in the next couple days.
-I have been doing some of the CBT thought logs when I've been upset; it's just that my level of upset is too high for them to always calm me down. It helped to talk to Jen on the phone for a couple hours last night though, and I stayed home from the therapy program yesterday too. I just felt like I needed a break. And it's a fine line between "I'm not pushing myself when I should be" and "I'm engaging in self-care and resting", but I just did what I thought was best.
-My sister thinks that the withdrawal is only part of what's been flipping me out, and that I'm having a delayed reaction to everything I've been through over the past month -- psych ward stays, a suicide attempt, our fight, the CBT program ending and the DBT one starting, etc. Who knows. All I know is I'm never getting dependent on dilaudid again.
-I am nervous about the DBT program and whether it'll help or just frustrate me, but I know if I don't like it that I can quit it and go back to my normal counselor. I WANT it to help though, so I'm trying to go into it open-minded.
-I'm still waiting for my meds to change too, because in order to start the Abilify at a low dose, I have to start weaning off the Wellbutrin and Seroquel, and the lower dose of Seroquel needs a prior authorization. Ughhhhhhhh, stupid insurance. She didn't choose an extended-release form either, which meant I had to have the pharmacist page her about that too.
-I went to lunch with two of my hospital friends (Annie & Alexandra) on Sunday, and we had a good time, although Alexandra was experiencing depression for the first time and not doing very well with it. She's afraid to change her meds because she doesn't want the voices to come back, but she's super depressed, so…yeah. Rock, meet hard place. Annie was doing great though, and offered to get together with me again this Sunday on my mom's birthday. I don't know how I'm going to juggle that with seeing my sister & going up to her grave, but I'd like to stay busy that whole day (distraction = me not sitting at home alone, crying), so I'll figure something out.
-I also have tentative plans with my therapy group on Friday and/or Saturday, but it depends on whether I can carpool with someone. Hopefully it works out. I'd like to keep in touch with everyone, because getting through the days has been hard for me lately, and the more social I am the better.
-My last day of CBT therapy is on Thursday, and it'll be weird for me to be giving the goodbye speech everyone does when I'm not doing that well yet. I guess I'll be there to represent the people who don't get "all better" after one month of therapy.
-I was supposed to call my sister when I got home from lunch with my friends on Sunday so we could see a movie together, and I forgot and took a nap instead. Seriously, my memory is fucked, you guys. When I see my neurologist next, I'm going to ask for a catscan/MRI or something. I doubt there's anything major wrong, but I've got to rule that out before assuming it's psychological or a drug side effect.
-I found who I think is my half-brother on FB (there weren't any photos of him, but the location and interests matched up) and sent him a message, but it told me it would go into his "other" folder, so he'll probably never see it. Sigh.
-I recently watched "The Fault in Our Stars" and cried like a baby. Don't you judge me!
Anyway, that's pretty much it. In honor of my jail fic, here's an OINTB fanvid (P.S. forever pressed that they didn't get more Emmys! Although I was stoked for Fargo(!!!), and even AHS, despite this being its weakest season imo. P.P.S. I am still so in love with this pairing, I feel like I could burst every time I see them together):
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
rachg82
( When I hear that whistle blowin', I hang my head and cry )
