You clear your eyes, as if you're seeing light for the very first time

First, I just wanted to thank the few of you who commented on my last post. It meant a lot to know I'm not just shouting into a void here. Really. I just ask that you try to stick around & comment at least some of the time after this as well, if you really do care & can make the time, because otherwise I start doubting how much I matter to people here, and it leaves me feeling incredibly lonely, hopeless, & rejected. I know that's something I need to keep working on (as keenai once told me, friendships are for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. And just because some change or end, that doesn't mean they all will), but I'm just saying -- if you can comment, even if it's just to say hello & remind me that you're still there, please do. It makes such a difference for me, especially while I'm still trying to get my head back on straight mentally. And please don't stress about whether your comment's content is worthy of sharing with me; I'm giving you right now a blanket guarantee that it is.

Your comments also gave me the motivation I needed to finish my "So You Think You Can Dance: Best of" posts, which shouldn't be hard as I only have two seasons left before I'm caught up, including this one. Again, these will be posted in chronological order, just to make my life easier. Oddly, I remember the most recent seasons the least, so I've got to go through the list of routines via wikipedia to pinpoint my favorites. That being said, I was surprised to go back & find how many good dances there really were this year, though I didn't have as many actual dancers I *cared* about as before. It should also be noted that songs weighed heavily in some of my choices, and that I couldn't watch certain routines as they unfortunately weren't available on YouTube. I admit to skipping a few too, because I just know most ballroom routines aren't likely to make my list. If I don't remember them instantly, or if the piece doesn't grab me right away, they're usually not worth it. Unless you're talking Benji & Heidi-level ballroom action, I'm pretty partial to contemporary & hip-hop, with the occasional jazz piece thrown in.

( The Best of So You Think You Can Dance: Season 10 )

May our stories catch fire and burn bright enough to catch God's eye

I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning and couldn't fall back asleep until 8 am. During that time I had chicken nuggets & Diet 7-Up for breakfast--y'know, as one does--and finished another SYTYCD post. Very productive. Problematic though, because when my alarm went off at 9:30 am, I rolled over & went back to sleep, intentionally being a pussy and skipping my skills group (at 11). For one, I just felt too sleepy (maybe taking half my dose of Paxil in the morning is too sedating? I don't know. I'm sure the 4 am wake-up didn't help either); two, it's cold as a polar bear's ass outside (so waiting at bus stops is loads of fun); and three, I felt embarrassed about walking into a group that had already met like three times and I'd missed all three. I know I need help with my coping skills & daily life-management skills, but my social anxiety sort of took over, helped by the cold & by being exhausted. Now I just feel guilty though, and I'm going to have to explain why I didn't go again to my counselor on Friday (I had to reschedule her appointment from yesterday because I got randomly sick to my stomach). Ugh.

On a positive note, after I talked with Jen on the phone last night, I finally threw out my razors. I did it with the agreement (with myself) that I could always buy them again if I wanted to, but at least now I'd be forced to put effort & thought into it (i.e. walking up to the store) vs. cutting or killing myself on a spur-of-the-moment impulse alone, which is something I'd been scared about doing recently. I feel like that was important. The only thing I have left that I might use to harm myself is my recently bought kitchen knife (the old ones are dull), so at Jen's suggestion, I'm going to ask my sister to hold onto it for me until I feel more safe alone. I'm hoping all this will help my anxiety a little bit too, because it makes me feel like my home is more of a safe space, similar to being in a psych ward, and I don't have to worry that I'll freak and kill myself in a moment of panic. I mean, I could, but I'd have to get dressed, walk to the store, buy new razors, and walk all the way back home before following through with it; this, as opposed to just walking a few steps into my bathroom in a daze. So, you see what I mean.

I also finally heard back from one of my hospital friends. Turns out she tried to kill herself again and ended up back in a hospital on Thanksgiving. She says she's feeling better now though, which is good. She'll be in Florida visiting her mom for the next two weeks, so I unfortunately can't meet up with her at the moment, but at least I know now that she wasn't ignoring me.

Anyway, going through videos yesterday & this morning helped distract me from my crazy brain, boredom, and loneliness, and not many things are holding my focus like that right now, so I'm going to continue working on the project today. Don't know what I'll use to distract myself tomorrow, but I'm not there yet, so I don't have to know.[/repeats to self over & over]

So without further ado, let's get to it:

( The Best of So You Think You Can Dance: Season 11 )