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rachg82I woke up at 4 o'clock this morning and couldn't fall back asleep until 8 am. During that time I had chicken nuggets & Diet 7-Up for breakfast--y'know, as one does--and finished another SYTYCD post. Very productive. Problematic though, because when my alarm went off at 9:30 am, I rolled over & went back to sleep, intentionally being a pussy and skipping my skills group (at 11). For one, I just felt too sleepy (maybe taking half my dose of Paxil in the morning is too sedating? I don't know. I'm sure the 4 am wake-up didn't help either); two, it's cold as a polar bear's ass outside (so waiting at bus stops is loads of fun); and three, I felt embarrassed about walking into a group that had already met like three times and I'd missed all three. I know I need help with my coping skills & daily life-management skills, but my social anxiety sort of took over, helped by the cold & by being exhausted. Now I just feel guilty though, and I'm going to have to explain why I didn't go again to my counselor on Friday (I had to reschedule her appointment from yesterday because I got randomly sick to my stomach). Ugh.
On a positive note, after I talked with Jen on the phone last night, I finally threw out my razors. I did it with the agreement (with myself) that I could always buy them again if I wanted to, but at least now I'd be forced to put effort & thought into it (i.e. walking up to the store) vs. cutting or killing myself on a spur-of-the-moment impulse alone, which is something I'd been scared about doing recently. I feel like that was important. The only thing I have left that I might use to harm myself is my recently bought kitchen knife (the old ones are dull), so at Jen's suggestion, I'm going to ask my sister to hold onto it for me until I feel more safe alone. I'm hoping all this will help my anxiety a little bit too, because it makes me feel like my home is more of a safe space, similar to being in a psych ward, and I don't have to worry that I'll freak and kill myself in a moment of panic. I mean, I could, but I'd have to get dressed, walk to the store, buy new razors, and walk all the way back home before following through with it; this, as opposed to just walking a few steps into my bathroom in a daze. So, you see what I mean.
I also finally heard back from one of my hospital friends. Turns out she tried to kill herself again and ended up back in a hospital on Thanksgiving. She says she's feeling better now though, which is good. She'll be in Florida visiting her mom for the next two weeks, so I unfortunately can't meet up with her at the moment, but at least I know now that she wasn't ignoring me.
Anyway, going through videos yesterday & this morning helped distract me from my crazy brain, boredom, and loneliness, and not many things are holding my focus like that right now, so I'm going to continue working on the project today. Don't know what I'll use to distract myself tomorrow, but I'm not there yet, so I don't have to know.[/repeats to self over & over]
So without further ado, let's get to it:
-Sing (Valerie & Zack) What is this, a tap routine that holds my interest? I don't believe.
-Vow (Jessica & Ricky)
-Dibiza (Jacque & Zack)
-How It's Done (top 18)
-Stay With Me (Jacque & Zack)
-Senile (Carly & Serge)
-The Leaving Song (Bridget & Emilio) I like this piece, though I have to admit I'm kind of tired of the show having every other contemporary routine end with someone walking dramatically off stage. Like, PICK A NEW ENDING, OKAY? It's almost always that, or someone dominating the other by pushing them down with their foot or hitting them or something. IT'S GETTING OLD.
-Back To Black (Jacque & Zack) Oh, wait, they BOTH walked off the stage this time, haha. WHAT A TWIST ENDING. (if you hadn't noticed yet, I'm not really a big fan of this season, despite having a hefty amount of faves compared with the others--I'm just not as *passionate* about these faves--so my snark is coming out even on the routines I like. I mean, these routines are great, but they're just lacking a certain memorable spark that previous seasons had. I'm not sure what it is.)
-Like Real People Do (Jessica & Casey)
-Turn Down For What (Valerie & Ricky)
-Wave (top 7 guys)
-The Gaucho's Pain (Tanisha & Ryan)
-Get Low (Emilio & Jasmine) I think this might be my favorite routine of the season. Jasmine's appearance helps a lot.
-Heart's a Mess (Valerie & Ade)
-Adagio For Tron (Jacque & Chehon)
-Maybe This Time (Casey & Kathryn) Liza Minnelli makes everything better.
-U Got Me Up (Jessica & Twitch) Way to be a dirty old man, Twitch. Ha.
-Europe, After the Rain (Zack & Amy)
-Smile (Ricky & Jaimie) I'm picking this one despite my protests that Judy Garland's version would've been a much better choice. I'm just saying.
-She's Out of My Life (Tanisha & Nick) Hey there, Nick, nice to see you again. Don't be such a stranger.
-Nocturne in C Sharp Minor, (Op. Posth.): Lento (Jacque's solo, top 8)
-99 Red Balloons (Jacque & Will)
-Sail (Zack & Fik-Shun)
-When I Go (Jessica & Robert)
-Doctor Jazz (top 20, finale)
-Sweet Disposition (top 10 + All-Stars)
-Unstoppable (Michael Dameski's solo)
-Fading Flower (Les Twins)
It was super convenient that FOX posted most of these videos, so I didn't have to search for copyright-infringing uploads, but I'm worried that means they'll delete these once the new season starts. They should just make my life easier by posting all their seasons' dances. C'mon, FOX, be cool, man.
On a positive note, after I talked with Jen on the phone last night, I finally threw out my razors. I did it with the agreement (with myself) that I could always buy them again if I wanted to, but at least now I'd be forced to put effort & thought into it (i.e. walking up to the store) vs. cutting or killing myself on a spur-of-the-moment impulse alone, which is something I'd been scared about doing recently. I feel like that was important. The only thing I have left that I might use to harm myself is my recently bought kitchen knife (the old ones are dull), so at Jen's suggestion, I'm going to ask my sister to hold onto it for me until I feel more safe alone. I'm hoping all this will help my anxiety a little bit too, because it makes me feel like my home is more of a safe space, similar to being in a psych ward, and I don't have to worry that I'll freak and kill myself in a moment of panic. I mean, I could, but I'd have to get dressed, walk to the store, buy new razors, and walk all the way back home before following through with it; this, as opposed to just walking a few steps into my bathroom in a daze. So, you see what I mean.
I also finally heard back from one of my hospital friends. Turns out she tried to kill herself again and ended up back in a hospital on Thanksgiving. She says she's feeling better now though, which is good. She'll be in Florida visiting her mom for the next two weeks, so I unfortunately can't meet up with her at the moment, but at least I know now that she wasn't ignoring me.
Anyway, going through videos yesterday & this morning helped distract me from my crazy brain, boredom, and loneliness, and not many things are holding my focus like that right now, so I'm going to continue working on the project today. Don't know what I'll use to distract myself tomorrow, but I'm not there yet, so I don't have to know.[/repeats to self over & over]
So without further ado, let's get to it:
-Sing (Valerie & Zack) What is this, a tap routine that holds my interest? I don't believe.
-Vow (Jessica & Ricky)
-Dibiza (Jacque & Zack)
-How It's Done (top 18)
-Stay With Me (Jacque & Zack)
-Senile (Carly & Serge)
-The Leaving Song (Bridget & Emilio) I like this piece, though I have to admit I'm kind of tired of the show having every other contemporary routine end with someone walking dramatically off stage. Like, PICK A NEW ENDING, OKAY? It's almost always that, or someone dominating the other by pushing them down with their foot or hitting them or something. IT'S GETTING OLD.
-Back To Black (Jacque & Zack) Oh, wait, they BOTH walked off the stage this time, haha. WHAT A TWIST ENDING. (if you hadn't noticed yet, I'm not really a big fan of this season, despite having a hefty amount of faves compared with the others--I'm just not as *passionate* about these faves--so my snark is coming out even on the routines I like. I mean, these routines are great, but they're just lacking a certain memorable spark that previous seasons had. I'm not sure what it is.)
-Like Real People Do (Jessica & Casey)
-Turn Down For What (Valerie & Ricky)
-Wave (top 7 guys)
-The Gaucho's Pain (Tanisha & Ryan)
-Get Low (Emilio & Jasmine) I think this might be my favorite routine of the season. Jasmine's appearance helps a lot.
-Heart's a Mess (Valerie & Ade)
-Adagio For Tron (Jacque & Chehon)
-Maybe This Time (Casey & Kathryn) Liza Minnelli makes everything better.
-U Got Me Up (Jessica & Twitch) Way to be a dirty old man, Twitch. Ha.
-Europe, After the Rain (Zack & Amy)
-Smile (Ricky & Jaimie) I'm picking this one despite my protests that Judy Garland's version would've been a much better choice. I'm just saying.
-She's Out of My Life (Tanisha & Nick) Hey there, Nick, nice to see you again. Don't be such a stranger.
-Nocturne in C Sharp Minor, (Op. Posth.): Lento (Jacque's solo, top 8)
-99 Red Balloons (Jacque & Will)
-Sail (Zack & Fik-Shun)
-When I Go (Jessica & Robert)
-Doctor Jazz (top 20, finale)
-Sweet Disposition (top 10 + All-Stars)
-Unstoppable (Michael Dameski's solo)
-Fading Flower (Les Twins)
It was super convenient that FOX posted most of these videos, so I didn't have to search for copyright-infringing uploads, but I'm worried that means they'll delete these once the new season starts. They should just make my life easier by posting all their seasons' dances. C'mon, FOX, be cool, man.
