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rachg82All right, my lovely peeps, it's January. You know what that means:
#1: I'll be turning 29 this month (oh my Gods), and
#2: Time for everyone's favorite misty-water colored memories-filled ramblethon o' Jesus Christ-"how in the world do you have time to compile this"-ness, a.k.a. My Annual Year In Review Post.
P.S. as for how I have time? A. I have no life. B. I'm like Cher in Clueless. I love projects.
For those of you just tuning in, this post consists of excerpts from various entries throughout the year. Considering how verbose I am at times, you can imagine the work it took to get this down to one entry. I started with five. No, I'm not kidding. I actually got the "bitch, this entry's too big" error message at one point. I didn't even know such a thing existed. FOR THE WIN. Haha.
Obviously, with all the angst & drama this year, there's some darkness here (i.e. obvious trigger warning). I did, however, cut A LOT out (plenty of family stuff, for instance) because there really just wasn't room. Fortunately, that allowed me to include mucho amounts of fun memories as well, which was important to me as I wanted to keep this thing balanced. 2010 was *not* only about pain. It was also about friends, funny work quotes, fangirl flailing, and so on. Looking back, amidst the depression, I really do have so many fond memories of this year as well, and I want to make sure I have an easy way to remember them. This review will help me do that. It will also help me remember what I survived, because as you all know, I barely made it. But I DID make it. And I'm still here. No one can ever take that away from me. And I want you all to know how much of that is thanks to the support & friendship I received here.
So, this is for you guys. I love you all.
Before we begin, I'd like to share a mantra/quote that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
keenai sent me many months ago. It's one I'd like to remember as we all move forward and 2010 becomes just a memory. As I was telling myself last night, everything--no matter how painful--eventually becomes just a memory. You just have to live through it.
Lead me, O God, into
an unclenched moment,
a deep breath,
a letting go of worn heaviness,
shriveling anxieties & dead certainties.
So say we all, yo.
---
Jan. 3rd: "Here's to friends, here's to therapy, here's to surviving & being alive today to tell the tale. Here's to faith and the times when God is all you have, even if you're not truly sure you believe in Him. Here's to all the people who didn't make it along the way. Here's to those who died on 9-11, the tsanami, Katrina, Afghanistan, Iraq, Bali, Sri Lanka, Sudan, and on and on. Here's to everyone suffering right now who feels like they can't make it, but will. Here's to the ones who won't. Here's to the audacity of hope & the first African American president. Here's to same sex marriage, to a world with no signs that say "God hates fags." Here's to television and fandom and silly livejournal posts that make me laugh. Here's to a new decade and a new beginning. Here's to 3,650 days, one at a time. Here's to life, y'all. Here's to life."
Jan. 9th: "my dad has still not called me back to see how my Christmas was, or thank me for my gift. . .we haven't talked in six months."
Jan. 10th: (re: Adelle/Topher) "I swear I'd watch a spin-off of just the two of them. Which, omg, come to think of it is like the best idea ever. Just picture it: the two of them room-mates in some zany Odd Couple-style sitcom, and she'd be all getting mad at him every day for leaving his Star Wars figurines all over the living room (because you know he'd have them), and then he would make it up to her by getting her drunk & asking her to play Rock Band with him, which she'd totally kick ass at. I NEED THIS TO BE A REALITY, YO. SOMEONE MAKE IT HAPPEN."
Jan. 15th: "Dear NBC,
Stop being such a bag of douche. You're embarassing yourself.
Yours truly,
Rachael"
Jan. 17th: "I found out today that one of my uncles was diagnosed four months ago with small cell lung cancer. . .
In other negative news. . .mom has been having more & more of a problem again with pain pills."
Jan. 27th/Jan. 28th: "The calendar is trying to tell me that I'm 28 years old today."
Feb. 4th: "I went to the doctor's this week. . .the general game-plan consists of the following. . .1. A low-dose anti-depressant. . .2. possibly taking Topomax in a month."
Feb. 6th: "How Booth resists from tackle-hugging her sometimes, I'll never know. . .I'm surprised those looks they give each other don't cause like a ~fall-out cloud of love~ to mushroom out around the room & make everyone pass out as they walk past. That, or just start going at it like bunnies themselves as part of an USTy contact-high or something."
Feb. 8th: "it was afterall just a party, but I had a good time. . .I'm very proud of how far I've come in that respect, although I still wish it were easier. . .I feel a bit out of place & insecure in those types of scenes. I think it's because it reminds me of how different I am from my peers."
Feb. 13th: "BRING ON THE FIGURE SKATING. HELLS YES."
Feb. 18th: "My mom reported the theft of her pill-filled golf clubs to the police. . .named my sister as a "suspect". . .leaves screaming messages on my sister's voicemail. . .My sister talks to my stepdad on the phone. . .he texts my sister. . .says to her. . ."I guess now isn't a good time to ask you for a topless picture."
. . .my family is crashing down around my ears."
Feb. 21st: "I took the bus to downtown Portland and met up with5brokenfingers--whom I hadn't seen since sophomore year of high school. . .It was just nice to get some fresh air and spend some time with a friend to clear my head & feel like a normal person."
Feb. 24th: "just because he seemed nice, that didn't mean he was good."
Feb. 25th: "I won't ever be able to get over my lifetime of baggage & live a peaceful, happy life if I continue letting these people hurt me as an adult. At some point it's gotta stop."
Mar. 1st: "you guys remember how I said I was going to do a picspam comparing ridiculous similarities between a bunch of my favorite shows? Yeah, well, it's possible I spent eleven odd hours on it yesterday. . .It's also possible I am insane. And did I mention I came up with fifty themes for the picspam, encompassing everything from "miracle births" to "episodes that make you bawl" to "grown men crying"? I am having WAAAAAAY too much fun with this, lemme tell you. It's like chicken soup for my fangirly soul."
Mar. 6th: "Dear Crazy People: Stop photoshopping pictures of Obama with the Hitler mustache, or I will personally buy you all tickets to visit Auschwitz so you can see what GIANT IGNORANT ASSHOLES you are for drawing the comparison. Guess what?. . .YOU FAIL AT LIFE."
Mar. 7th: "DON'T MAKE ME PULL A ROSLIN & AIRLOCK ALL OF LIVEJOURNAL, BECAUSE I WILL. SCULLY HAD BETTAH WIN THIS BITCH, SO HELP ME GOD."
Mar. 14th: "Isabella: aealieailhoaigh!
Me: Man, you are a talkative little thing, aren't you?
Jayden: I'm talkative too!
Me: Jayden, don't be competitive.
Jayden: But I talk my head!
Me: What? You mean you talk your head off?
Jayden: No, I talk IN my head. I do it so people won't hear me!
Me: *trying not to laugh* You mean thoughts? You think something & you talk in your head?
Jayden: Yes!
Me: I do that too, Jay! Everyone does that. *still holding in laughter*
Jayden: REALLY?
Me: *cracks up*"
Mar. 17th: "I found out my grandma has breast cancer tonight. MAN, LIFE, WAY TO DISH 'EM OUT."
Mar. 20th: "Me: Well, try not to be too afraid. They're just people. . .y'know, except they're dead.
Corinne: Great, excellent.
Me: Just, if the walls start bleeding? You might want to move.
Corinne: Yeah, I'm thinking that'd be a good idea.
Me: Or if the house is like, "GET OUT."[/Amityville Horror voice]
Corinne: *laughs* But seriously, it seems to be getting worse! Why?
Me: Maybe they're getting more comfortable with you. They got over their shyness.
Corinne: Yeah, we're bonding.
Me: Hey, you know what you could do? Just leave a plate of cookies out for them with a little note that says, "Hey, what up, ghosts. Help yourselves, let's be buddies. Please don't kill me."
Corinne: Thanks for the advice.
Me: No problem."
Mar. 21st: "LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLE"
Mar. 25th: "ONLY ONE WEEK LEFT UNTIL BONES RETURNS, PEOPLE. I'M SO EXCITED. . .I'M SO EXCITED. . .I'M. . .SO. . .SCARED![/Jessie Spano]"
Mar. 27th: "Chris Carter: And the tagline will be, "The truth is out there."
Ron Moore: Ooh, that's good. Mine will be, "And they have a plan."
Chris Carter: Awesome, dude!
Ron Moore: But guess what?
Chris Carter: What?
Ron Moore: They won't.
Chris Carter: Ha!
Ron Moore: I mean, not other than "kill everyone," which is an obvious plan anyway if you think about it.
Chris Carter: That's cool. Because you wanna know something?
Ron Moore: Huh?
Chris Carter: The truth isn't really out there. I'm just making it up as I go along.
Ron Moore: Sweet.
Chris Carter: You wanna know how long I'm gonna string 'em along with the bee shit? And then what the end of the Samantha storyline will be? C'mere. . .*whispers in Ron Moore's ear*
Ron Moore: *laughs & laughs* Oh, man, that's rich! But that's nothin' compared to what I've got in store for my people when it comes to PIGEONS! JUST YOU WAIT!"
Mar. 28th: "I may murder my sister. Or at least maim her. . .So uh, yeah, now she's mad at me. Which is fine, because I'm honestly not really pleased with her either."
Apr. 3rd: "Me: I have important news for you. Guess what's returning tonight?
Coworker: What? Glee?
Me: No, bitch. BONES. BONES IS RETURNING.
Coworker: Ohhh. But I have plans tonight!
Me: THAT IS NO EXCUSE.
Coworker: It is too!
Me: NO, NICOLE. JUST, NO. DON'T YOU HAVE PRIORITIES?
Coworker: My nieces are coming to visit!
Me:. . .Okay, I suppose that's a good excuse.
Coworker: Right?
Me: BUT DON'T YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOUR DVR IS FOR?
Coworker: But I already have conflicting shows!
Me: YOU LISTEN HERE. HULU.COM. FOX.COM. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR GUFF.
Coworker: But I already stare at a computer all day at work!
Me: DAMN YOU, NICOLE."
Apr. 4th: "Did you hear that? That faint do-do-do-do-do-dooooo music in the background? Could that be the X-Files theme song I detect? No, no, it can't be. . .that show's been over for eight years! Unless. . .but no. It's not possible! A rewatch? No way. Too epic. Minds will explode. Fangirls will faint. Shippers & noromos will come to blows. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
BUT I MUST."
Apr. 8th: "Me: Nicole, I'm so glad you're here. I have very exciting news for you.
Coworker: What?
Me: I have a new show for you.
Coworker: 'Kaaaaaay, I can't promise I'll watch it though.
Me: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just listen.
Coworker: All right. What is it? When's it on?
Me: Tuesday nights. Ten o'clock. TNT. Southland. BE THERE.
Coworker: Aw, I can't!
Me: Conflicting show?
Coworker: Yep.
Me: DAMN YOU, NICOLE. WHY MUST YOU FAIL ME AT EVERY TURN. Don't you have "On Demand?"
Coworker: I have Dish Network. I don't know if they have that.
Me: SIGH. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Does your show go on hiatus during the summer?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: 'Kay, we're gonna find out if Southland will reair in the summer. And then you're gonna watch it. DON'T WORRY, I'M HERE FOR YOU.
Coworker: Okay. . .
Me: WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.
Coworker: Oh man."
Apr. 10th: "Me: Nicole, I hope you know what you missed out on last night.
Nicole: *rolls eyes & ignores me, smiling*
Me: BIG-HAPPENINGS, NICOLE. EPIC SHIT WAS HAD.
My work-crush: What? What big-happenings?
Me: Oh, on my show. Heh.
Work-crush: What's your show?
Me: Er, Bones. I've been kinda stalking Nicole about it for a year now. She loves it.
Nicole: *fake-sighs*
Work-crush: Oh! I like that show!
Me: *stares*[/crush growing]
Work-crush: Except I can't watch it right now because Fox won't come in on my tv.
Me: You poor thing!
Work-crush: That's actually a good show, Nicole!
Nicole: I'm sure it is!
Work-crush: You should watch it!
Nicole: OMG! I DON'T HAVE TIME!
Other coworker: Meow!
Me: *cracking up*"
Apr. 11th: "We caught up & laughed a lot, and it was nice to see her again. . .all in all it was fun gaytimes (and Amy kept making me laugh by saying shit like "this is pretty gay." Hahahaha). Let's hear it for gay bars!
. . .My sister finally called me. . .was like, "you're not my friend. Fuck you". . .I almost wonder if there's something wrong with me for how little I care. . .And I'm going to eventually snap. . .I feel like the first lyric of "Defying Gravity": "Something has changed within me. . .something is not the same."
Apr. 15th: (mom) "once again emailed me. . .I put her email address into my "spam folder", and deleted both her & my stepdad's emails from my contacts list. . .I'm giving it up to God. Take it away, big guy. She's all yours."
Apr. 18th: "I'd forgotten what it was like to be hungry. . .I'd been like that before the Topamax (since around late November, I think)."
Apr. 25th: "Me: WTF is up with HOW SLOW IT IS?
Meredith: I hate April.
Me: Stupid Easter month!
Meredith: Thanks a lot, Jesus!
Me: God, really. So selfish!
Meredith: Couldn't have just taken a day. Had to take the whole month!
Me: Damn't, I NEED SOME SALES!
Meredith: C'mon, Jesus, TAKE THE WHEEL!
Me: HA!
. . .
Me: These non-purchasers personally offend me.
Meredith: You should tell them that.
Me: I just might.
Meredith: Tell them you think they smell.
Me: And then I should make them apologize, and think about what they've done.
Meredith: Right, like, "stop being so poor!"
Me: Exactly! God!. . .Hey, you remember Monday when I had my great sales day? How I was so gung-ho about making my goal for the month & getting a big bonus?
Meredith: And then Jesus took the wheel?
Me: *dies*
Meredith: Jesus needs some driver's ed!
SERIOUSLY. TEARS. DOWN MY FACE. Hahaha."
Apr. 27th: "I had my third appointment with my counselor tonight. . .the minute I started talking about my nephew, I started crying. . .I'm wondering if maybe that's part of the numbness too, that it just hurts too much, so I just shut down when it comes to him. I don't know."
Apr. 29th: "Meredith: Hey, did you guys hear about China getting stripped of its bronze medal?
Me: WHAT?!
Meredith & Justin: Whoa, G's excited!
Me: In ladies gymnastics, right?
Meredith:. . .uh, yeah?
Me: Ha HA! SEND ME THE LINK!
Meredith: Ooookay, here you go. . .
Me: Haaaaa, suck it China!
Justin: What is she excited about, gymnastics?!
Meredith: Yeah.
Me: You guys don't understand, I am CRAZY about gymnastics. Ohhh, but wait, this is from 2000! I thought it was gonna be about the 2008 team! Aw man.
Meredith: If you were a true fan, you'd still care.
Me: I do still care! But WTF, IOC, way to be 10 years behind.
Meredith: It's okay, just plan to be excited in 10 years.
Janet: *walks up, complaining about not being motivated to work*
Me: Hey, I can give you a reason to be hyper.
Janet: What?
Me: You like gymnastics?
Janet: You do gymnastics?
Me: No.
Meredith: But she's getting a medal in the mail.
Me: No I'm not.
Meredith: It's being stripped from the Chinese. . .
Janet: What?
Meredith:. . .and sent to her in the mail.
Me: *laughing*
Janet: You guys have way too much fun over here. I'm going back to work."
May 5th: "Mother's Day is coming up. . .It's like floodgates have been opened. . .one minute I'm remembering her insulting me & I want to rip up my kitchen in a fit of rage, and the next I'm crying over her fake dream death."
May 8th: "I've had the kind of depression hanging in the background all week long that makes me look at the veins in my wrist when I come home at night and think to myself, "all it would take is a few small cuts to these tiny veins and it would all be over. All of it. No more pain, no more crying, no more struggle. I'd just go over there, sit in the kitchen, bleed for a while, and then go to sleep & be done. That's all." And I think about it, and I look at these few blue skinny veins that control everything--my consciousness, my life, all of it--and I think, "why not?"
. . .but I won't go down without a fight. As my friend from last night is so fond of saying, "this ain't my first rodeo."
May 20th: "Amy: You know, I think more men in the '80s were gay than straight.
Me: *beat*. . .what?!
Amy: Look at them!
Me: Because of their tiny shorts?
Amy: Yes!
Me: That's just their clothing!
Amy: Dude, LOOK AT THEM.
Me: *looks at screen, where teenage boys are running around the football field in short shorts*. . .eehhh, but I think there'd be a lot less people born in the eighties then.
Amy: Maybe.
Me: *keeps looking* Unless they were all in the closet.
Amy: RIGHT?
Me: BUT WAIT. What if it was because all the clothes designers were gay?
Amy: Oh my God, that's a good point.
Me: And it was the '80s, so none of the straight guys probably had a clue, so all the designers would be like, "here, put on this midriff-baring sweatshirt with these tiny crotch-hugging shorts. It'll drive the girls WILD." And the clueless straight guys were like, "really?" and the designers would be all, "shh, don't think so much baby, just go get dressed." And then they'd laugh & go back to designing giant sweater dresses for the women.
Amy: YES. OH MY GOD. But, y'know, maybe it was also just the style back then too. . .
Me: Yeah, well, that too. But I do think for the rest of the movie we should just pretend that every guy is gay. I think it'll make it a much better movie.
Amy: I think it will too. BECAUSE THEY ARE."
June 4th: "I attended an Al-Anon meeting. . .I thought it was lovely."
June 5th: "I just need to keep repeating the following thing to myself like a mantra: YOU'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS. YOU'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS. YOU'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS."
June 8th: "I've just been in full-on bitch-mode all day wanting to snap necks & kick puppies. . .once I realized I was about to pull an Agent Booth on the ice cream truck, I decided to take a lesson from the Buddhist book I'm reading. . .and ended up taking an hour-long walk through the forest."
June 18th: "there's this part of me that's always feared I was somehow so emotionally flawed & closed-off & fucked up when it came to intimacy that I could never be in a relationship. . .I feel like if I make a move, it's like I'm inviting her to a party or something & have to be the ~perfect hostess~ and make sure everything is just right. Like, you can't just invite someone to your house & then be all, "so, uh, I know I invited you, but there's no refreshments. And no snacks. Sorry about that." Like, hey, come on in to this relationship! It's gonna suck! Because I suck! Not cool.
So I talked with my counselor about these things, and she was like, "I'd like you to try having more. . .spontaneous parties." Ha."
June 20th: (re: my high school reunion) "My throat hurts from talking loud all night. Also, I'm drunk. . .I pulled a Brennan & stuck my foot in my mouth when I ran into an old friend. . .was like, "Oh my God, are you pregnant?". . .TOO BAD SHE WASN'T. Awwwwkward! Hahahaha. Aimee (one of the friends I came with) was DYING."
June 26th: "Is this what it's like to have a social life? I'd almost forgotten."
July 6th: "my nephew's birthday coming up tomorrow is definitely affecting me. . .The hurt is so deep, I can't even explain it. . .A huge chunk of my life just fell apart. No matter how you try to dress it up, that's still the truth of it."
July 14th: "I have to admit, it makes me very nervous to allow myself to feel happy about having friends. . .I don't like letting my emotions be influenced by other people. After high school, when I was so depressed & had no friends anymore, I told myself I'd never let myself become attached to others again. They could come & go as they pleased, but I wouldn't need them. Still, I feel very happy at the moment about having plans several weeks out. It makes me feel like I'm part of the world and have things to look forward to. I think I just need to strike a balance between the two. Let myself enjoy others' company & friendship, but not to the point where my happiness depends on them."
July 25th: "I have an important announcement to make:
CUBAN FOOD IS DELICIOUS.
. . .Aaaand I have awesome friends. Totally double rainbow, as Aimee would say. All the way! Haha."
July 26th: "Amy: I'm telling you that's a full moon.
Me: That is NOT symmetrical.
Amy: It is too!
Me: Dude, artist's eye! Don't doubt me!
Amy: You can't tell, because you're blind.
Me: I HAVE GLASSES.
Amy: *laughing*
Me: We need a guy in a lab coat to come out & tell you so you'll believe me. That is NOT a full moon.
Amy: If a guy in a lab coat came out right now, I would start doing this: *does ninja moves*
Me: HA. True! And then he'd probably start doing this: *flashes open coat, mimics masturbating*
Both of us: *dying*"
July 31st: "Well, this week has been. . .eventful. Amy & I are done. Like, done-done. Deleted off facebook-done."
Aug. 2nd: "I'm now unemployed. Or FUNemployed as I've decided to call it. This year has now reached epic proportions of win and I'm currently just waiting for the plague of locusts.
. . .I have nothing left to lose; nothing left to give.
This would be a perfect suicide note, but it's not. I think if people knew how often I had perfect suicide notes in my head, they'd be really frightened. . .
Nothing gold can stay.
Everything is lost eventually."
Aug. 4th: "I feel all alone; I'm drowning. Things are falling apart. Things are already broken. A birthday bag all gone to rust, and metaphors that don't even make sense.
Nothing has ever made sense.
. . .To my sister,
You have abandoned me.
Remember lying in matching pink canopy beds, you making up stories to comfort me against the darkness? There is only darkness now.
Cock-a-doodle-doo-I'm a turkey-duck?
Slip-and-sliding in the bathtub?
A secret language of memories only sisters would share. But we don't speak the same language anymore.
You used to get angry at me for not trusting you when you wanted me to ride on your handlebars. "I'm your big sister," you'd say. "I'd never let anything happen to you."
But you did.
Visions of blood streaming from my wrists, all alone.
And you did.
I don't know who you are anymore. You used to be my friend.
(lightning strikes the forearm)
Remember the bunny? Planting carrots?
(do it again)"
Aug. 6th: "I am scared.
I feel like I am falling apart. I don't know if I'll come back this time.
I don't want to eat. I just want to sleep. I don't understand anything. I don't care.
I see pictures on the shelf and I want to rip them to shreds.
I see veins on my wrist and I trace them with my nail, pushing down just so.
I pretend I'm okay--to myself, to others. I'm not okay. I don't know when I will be again.
I feel numb. Like everything is quiet and far away, moving slowly. I know I should care, that things could be different tomorrow, next week, but it feels so far away. It doesn't touch me. Nothing touches me.
I feel so alone. Back to the beginning again, outside looking in. Never a part of things--always apart.
If everything ends in death anyway--nothingness, oblivion, peace--why not hit fast-forward? What is the point? When you're tired at a party, isn't it okay to call it a day and go home?
What if it's time to call it a day?"
Aug. 9th: "To say that I've been suicidal doesn't really do it justice. . .There have been some plans thought up. . .Everything is just in a fog. . .I am alone. Unloved. Wrong. Defective. Less than. The world would get along fine without me. None of this means anything anyway. We will all be gone eventually anyhow. I was once not here and will be not here again, that is all.
. . .If anything, for that brief, glorious moment, at least the blood trailing from my wrist would be a moment of pure feeling. At least then I'd have gone out with a bang, on my own terms. . .
Please God,
help me. . .
. . .I made the decision that I can't guarantee I won't want to kill myself again, but that if I do & I think I'm actually in serious danger to myself I'll call a hotline. . .And then I can renew that commitment to myself every season like marriage vows. . .For right now, the agreement is until 12/31/2010 or the first snowfall, whichever comes first."
Aug. 13th: "she asked me to send my sister an email telling her I miss her & that I'm hurting. . .I don't know what part got through to her, but something did."
Sept. 18th: "Things are really not okay with me. . .I broke down. . .started cutting myself with a steak knife & razor blade. . .I feel nothing. . .all there is, is just this massive ache in my chest, blooming outward like some fucked-up flower.
I got myself to go to an interview today. . .got the job. . .Despite that, I found myself so close to planning my own suicide tonight that I actually gave in & called a hotline.
. . .It's like my whole life is being shaken around, things are falling from the floor to the ceiling, and I just want to rip my face off to make it stop. But all I can do is lie on my bed in the midday dark, and think about who would find the body."
Oct. 12th: "Jayden: Grammy was over here last night looking for medicine. She was in my room!
Me: *sigh* I know, Jay.
Jayden: Why did she cry when I told her she was yelling? She WAS yelling!
My sister: She was yelling--you're right, Jayden.
Jayden: Why is she LIKE THAT?
Me: There's just something wrong with her, Jay. I'm sorry."
Oct. 26: "Re Asperger's, here's the deal: I've wondered about this for a long time. . .Going back to 2003. . .Over the last year, however, I've been looking into it a lot more. . .they all tested average while my ass tested "very high", in the same range as people did who've been diagnosed with the condition.
. . .I'm not sure if it's even important whether I have it. . .learning about it has helped."
Oct. 28th: "BOYS. There are boys & they are suddenly talking to me. It's very confusing."
Oct. 31st: "when Brennan said to Angela, "it's as I expected"? I related. . .I remember sitting in a hottub with my friends senior year of highschool, and having this sudden epiphany, this ~moment of clarity~, that I would always be alone. That I would never have a real relationship. I even voiced it aloud. . .Fast-forward to now, and what do you have? A 28 year old who's kissed exactly three guys in her life (only two of which she really counts) and one girl, never dated anyone longer than 1-2 months (nothing exclusive/committed), and is still 100% a virgin."
Nov. 1st: "I HAVE A DATE. Or a date-like thing. I really have no idea how to tell with these things."
Nov. 4th: "Well played, sirs. Well played.
*plants a bomb & watches it explode*
Yeah. . .he's an alcoholic. . .I seriously just want to punch the world right now. I LIKED HIM. I didn't want to admit it, but I did. . .CAN'T I JUST ONCE GO ON A DATE & GET LAID LIKE A NORMAL FEMALE?"
Nov. 5th: "Soooo. . .it's possible this job is so simple & mindless that my brain has been doing nothing but daydreaming about Booth & Brennan for days on end. . .I'm actually pondering the frightening idea of taking my live-action fanfic daydreams & turning them into a fanfic reality.
In other words: writing a story."
Nov. 6th: "A police officer from child protective services talked to Jayden at his school today about what happened, and he filed a protective order against Lance so he can't see the kids for the next 60 days."
Nov. 8th: "Jayden: (as he closes the front door) "Oh no! It's THAT BOY!"
Me: What boy?
Jayden: That boy in the neighborhood! My friend!
Me: What's bad about that?
Jayden: *ranting* He always has his brother with him! And his brother bugs me, and he doesn't even help or stop him! And he comes knocking on my door when I'm playing PS-2!
Me: The brother?
Jayden: What?
Me: Who comes knocking on the door? Your friend's brother? Or your friend?
Jayden? *looks at me like I'm crazy* I can't tell; they're behind the door! *heaves a huge sigh at my adult idiocy*
Me: *laughing* So, you just know it's one of them?
Jayden: YES. And I get REALLY FRUSTRATED when someone knocks on the door when I'm playing PS-2. *clenches fists in the air* I get all fired up!
Me: That's it; I need to hug you now.[/cracking up]
. . .
Jayden: *talking non-stop*
My sister: Jayden, I love you, but sometimes you make me want to go mental.
Jayden: I guess you want to be like Grammy then!
Me: HA!
. . .
My sister: Jayden, you're going to drive when you get older, right?
Jayden: I was actually thinking if I will have a car. . .
Me: HA!
My sister: You WILL have a car!
Jayden: Nope. I don't think so.
My sister: I am not driving you around! Jayden, you're gonna want to drive. You'll want the freedom!
Jayden: No way, Jose.
My sister: Oh my God. Okay--Jayden, I love you. You don't have to drive. But I am not driving you around like Tia. Don't you know you're going to have to drive me around someday? You have to take care of me!
Jayden: You have to take care of me!
My sister: All right, Jayden. All right. Isabella, are you going to drive?
Isabella: Yes!
Me: *still laughing*
My sister: Jayden, what about when you go on dates? You can't take girls on the bus!
Jayden: Isabella can drive me! She'll be one hot, stylin' girl! 'Cause she'll have me, you. . .and Tia! She'd better get a van!
My sister: No vans! I hate minivans! They're evil!
Me: She could get a hippie van.
My sister: NO VANS!
Jayden: Ohhh, she's gonna get a van! You can cry all you want!"
Nov. 8th: "I have started writing my fanfic and, omg, ~fanfic writing is all fun-like & what-not~! I kind of get now why people do it. Hee.
*does cartwheels o' creativity*
Now, watch as this story ends up like 100,561,374 words long. God help me & my meticulous, verbose ways."
Nov. 10th: "my sister had to face Lance in court this week. . .he's possibly facing up to a year in jail for felony assault. . ."CAN I GET AN AMEN? ENJOY THE JUMPSUIT, FUCKER."
Nov. 12th: "of course my sister had to disrespect my wishes (what's new?) and throw a fit at me tonight. . .Apparently, I'm "weird", "not normal". . .it makes no sense for me to want to spend my evening here in "my hole". . .my cousin Courtney is lucky she has "normal sisters". . .she then went on to say shit like, "oh, did your counselor tell you to say that?" and "I think you see counselors too much."
. . .I'm so beyond over my family."
Nov. 14th: "As planned, I went to the ACA meeting yesterday. They started by talking about the tendency of adult children from dysfunctional homes to believe they cannot love & cannot be loved, which really hit me."
Nov. 15th: "I am now officially unemployed again. It is my fault and that doesn't make it easier."
Nov. 18th: "I did hear back from my sister. And no, things are not good. . .I will love my sister until I die, but she does not have a right to be near me if she's treating me abusively.
No one does. I don't care how badly they say they "need" me or how big a self-centered bitch they tell me I am.
Keep the insults comin', sis. I'm like teflon at this point. It really doesn't even phase me; in fact it actually makes it easier. As Tina Fey says, "bitches get stuff done."
Nov. 27th: "I went to my uncle's and we had our Firefly marathon, which was great. . .although it's not like the cancer isn't an issue. . .I'm walking a really fine line in terms of dealing with it. . .it's going to hurt. A lot. And I don't want to feel it."
Nov. 29th: "I cut tonight. A lot. I felt calmer afterward, even though I couldn't stop shaking. Then I burst into tears, and now I just feel numb.
. . .It's better than the other impulse I had, which was to swallow my bottles of prozac & topamax, but I'm determined right now to stay alive.
. . .I want things to be simple. I want to fly away to Nepal, live with monks for a year, and shut my brain off. I need a break.
. . .Everything is spinning & I have no idea what to do next."
Dec. 2nd: "I went out for coffee/chai tea with5brokenfingers yesterday, which I so needed.
. . .Knowing everything I do now? I'd like to go back in time & write myself an additional resolution, just so I can look back & say "yes, I accomplished this":
Survive. Choose to leave a horrible past behind, begin to re-parent yourself, set up safe boundaries within which you can live & eventually (hopefully) thrive, find good people to call your own, and keep picking yourself up every time you fall.
Done, and done. Compared to that, nothing else really matters."
Dec. 4th: "I got told by a friend on facebook today that I'm "always so literal." I was like (in my head), "uhhhh, basically, yes." Ha. Then the conversation somehow turned into us discussing duels & bad 1970s pornos. Also: my nickname is now Stabby McKnifey. Just, y'know, in case y'all were wondering. Which I'm sure you were."
Dec. 6th: "There are moments when you realize yourself, when you feel like your head comes above water--like you've been drowning--and you suddenly feel alive again & are *glad* to be alive. . .All you can do in reaction is just sit there & cry. There but for the grace of God, you know?"
Dec. 10th: "Zee fanfic o' insecurity & everlasting procrastination, mi amigas: IT IS DONE. . .I am proud, for serious. . .Most importantly though, this endeavor allowed me to discover that I really, really like creative writing. Who knew?"
Dec. 12th: "I've been trying so hard to fake-it-'til-I-make-it lately. . .Things don't feel real. . .when I look in the mirror, I don't feel connected to my own reflection. . .It's just a body staring back at me. . .I'm not sure if after detaching as a child, I can ever see the world as totally real again.
. . .I kept having urges to jump in front of cars. . .I had to just focus on each individual step to keep calm, because I felt like sobbing. . .When I got home, I did sob. . .I hit my head with my hand, I rocked, I paced, I couldn't make the emotions go away. I wanted to die. I didn't even know why; I just did.
Another day, you know? Inconceivable. Another day. And another after that. Feeling this way. Walls closing in, brain buzzing, nothing in control, nothing making sense, everything fucked.
. . .I did end up cutting. . .I stood there, staring at my razor, staring at my wrist. . .debating just going for it this time. I thought about what the note would say--"I'm sorry. I love you all."--and just stared. I threw the razor back in the medicine cabinet & walked out of the room."
Dec. 14th: "I don't want to be a cliche. . .This just pisses me off.
I am the type of person who keeps things under control. . .not a stupid girl who starves herself to lose weight, not someone who can't stop doing something bad when I need to. So if that's all true, what the fuck am I doing? And why haven't I stopped yet?"
Dec. 16th: "My house guest (dradiscontact) arrives tomorrow, which should be fun. . .it's nice to have company. Gives me motivation to clean, go to the store, get out of my head. . .I think it'll do me good to spend some time with a friend & play the role of hostess."
Dec. 22nd: "I'm really glad to not be alone this week."
Dec. 24th:dradiscontact had to go home today. . .I feel surprisingly lonely, which is sort of ridiculous. But I will be okay. One more week, folks. That's all. And then it's time to kiss 2010 the Hell goodbye. LET'S DO THIS."
Dec. 25th: "So. Christmas. Ho ho ho & what-not.
. . .Even though I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Such is life. As Micah said to Bones, it's better to feel sad than dead, right? At least it means you care."
Dec. 30th: "My mom showed up tonight.
. . .God didn't listen.
. . .All I want is to move on with my life."
Dec. 31st: "12/31/10: I made it. . .
So, maybe, in the end, God did listen."
---
We're gonna finish this thing off with the song I listened to on the night of my suicide hotline call. I probably wouldn't have been alive to hear it if I hadn't picked up the phone. I don't even remember the man's name who talked to me. I don't know where he is now. But this song & that memory will forever be linked in my mind. It's a beautiful piece of music & the lyrics in particular struck me. I'm afraid. . .I did love you. . .stay forever.
I can't stay forever. But let's see how long I can stay, shall we? Last night I prayed & at least committed to stay until the end of January. I'll keep extending that commitment from there (I'd like to commit to the end of the year again, but the pressure scares me). One foot in front of the other; one breath at a time. It's how I've made it this far, and it's how I'll keep going.
For what it's worth, as I sat listening to this song last night, I felt--for the first time in a long while--that things were gonna be okay. I think they just actually might.
#1: I'll be turning 29 this month (oh my Gods), and
#2: Time for everyone's favorite misty-water colored memories-filled ramblethon o' Jesus Christ-"how in the world do you have time to compile this"-ness, a.k.a. My Annual Year In Review Post.
P.S. as for how I have time? A. I have no life. B. I'm like Cher in Clueless. I love projects.
For those of you just tuning in, this post consists of excerpts from various entries throughout the year. Considering how verbose I am at times, you can imagine the work it took to get this down to one entry. I started with five. No, I'm not kidding. I actually got the "bitch, this entry's too big" error message at one point. I didn't even know such a thing existed. FOR THE WIN. Haha.
Obviously, with all the angst & drama this year, there's some darkness here (i.e. obvious trigger warning). I did, however, cut A LOT out (plenty of family stuff, for instance) because there really just wasn't room. Fortunately, that allowed me to include mucho amounts of fun memories as well, which was important to me as I wanted to keep this thing balanced. 2010 was *not* only about pain. It was also about friends, funny work quotes, fangirl flailing, and so on. Looking back, amidst the depression, I really do have so many fond memories of this year as well, and I want to make sure I have an easy way to remember them. This review will help me do that. It will also help me remember what I survived, because as you all know, I barely made it. But I DID make it. And I'm still here. No one can ever take that away from me. And I want you all to know how much of that is thanks to the support & friendship I received here.
So, this is for you guys. I love you all.
Before we begin, I'd like to share a mantra/quote that
keenai sent me many months ago. It's one I'd like to remember as we all move forward and 2010 becomes just a memory. As I was telling myself last night, everything--no matter how painful--eventually becomes just a memory. You just have to live through it.Lead me, O God, into
an unclenched moment,
a deep breath,
a letting go of worn heaviness,
shriveling anxieties & dead certainties.
So say we all, yo.
---
Jan. 3rd: "Here's to friends, here's to therapy, here's to surviving & being alive today to tell the tale. Here's to faith and the times when God is all you have, even if you're not truly sure you believe in Him. Here's to all the people who didn't make it along the way. Here's to those who died on 9-11, the tsanami, Katrina, Afghanistan, Iraq, Bali, Sri Lanka, Sudan, and on and on. Here's to everyone suffering right now who feels like they can't make it, but will. Here's to the ones who won't. Here's to the audacity of hope & the first African American president. Here's to same sex marriage, to a world with no signs that say "God hates fags." Here's to television and fandom and silly livejournal posts that make me laugh. Here's to a new decade and a new beginning. Here's to 3,650 days, one at a time. Here's to life, y'all. Here's to life."
Jan. 9th: "my dad has still not called me back to see how my Christmas was, or thank me for my gift. . .we haven't talked in six months."
Jan. 10th: (re: Adelle/Topher) "I swear I'd watch a spin-off of just the two of them. Which, omg, come to think of it is like the best idea ever. Just picture it: the two of them room-mates in some zany Odd Couple-style sitcom, and she'd be all getting mad at him every day for leaving his Star Wars figurines all over the living room (because you know he'd have them), and then he would make it up to her by getting her drunk & asking her to play Rock Band with him, which she'd totally kick ass at. I NEED THIS TO BE A REALITY, YO. SOMEONE MAKE IT HAPPEN."
Jan. 15th: "Dear NBC,
Stop being such a bag of douche. You're embarassing yourself.
Yours truly,
Rachael"
Jan. 17th: "I found out today that one of my uncles was diagnosed four months ago with small cell lung cancer. . .
In other negative news. . .mom has been having more & more of a problem again with pain pills."
Jan. 27th/Jan. 28th: "The calendar is trying to tell me that I'm 28 years old today."
Feb. 4th: "I went to the doctor's this week. . .the general game-plan consists of the following. . .1. A low-dose anti-depressant. . .2. possibly taking Topomax in a month."
Feb. 6th: "How Booth resists from tackle-hugging her sometimes, I'll never know. . .I'm surprised those looks they give each other don't cause like a ~fall-out cloud of love~ to mushroom out around the room & make everyone pass out as they walk past. That, or just start going at it like bunnies themselves as part of an USTy contact-high or something."
Feb. 8th: "it was afterall just a party, but I had a good time. . .I'm very proud of how far I've come in that respect, although I still wish it were easier. . .I feel a bit out of place & insecure in those types of scenes. I think it's because it reminds me of how different I am from my peers."
Feb. 13th: "BRING ON THE FIGURE SKATING. HELLS YES."
Feb. 18th: "My mom reported the theft of her pill-filled golf clubs to the police. . .named my sister as a "suspect". . .leaves screaming messages on my sister's voicemail. . .My sister talks to my stepdad on the phone. . .he texts my sister. . .says to her. . ."I guess now isn't a good time to ask you for a topless picture."
. . .my family is crashing down around my ears."
Feb. 21st: "I took the bus to downtown Portland and met up with
5brokenfingers--whom I hadn't seen since sophomore year of high school. . .It was just nice to get some fresh air and spend some time with a friend to clear my head & feel like a normal person."Feb. 24th: "just because he seemed nice, that didn't mean he was good."
Feb. 25th: "I won't ever be able to get over my lifetime of baggage & live a peaceful, happy life if I continue letting these people hurt me as an adult. At some point it's gotta stop."
Mar. 1st: "you guys remember how I said I was going to do a picspam comparing ridiculous similarities between a bunch of my favorite shows? Yeah, well, it's possible I spent eleven odd hours on it yesterday. . .It's also possible I am insane. And did I mention I came up with fifty themes for the picspam, encompassing everything from "miracle births" to "episodes that make you bawl" to "grown men crying"? I am having WAAAAAAY too much fun with this, lemme tell you. It's like chicken soup for my fangirly soul."
Mar. 6th: "Dear Crazy People: Stop photoshopping pictures of Obama with the Hitler mustache, or I will personally buy you all tickets to visit Auschwitz so you can see what GIANT IGNORANT ASSHOLES you are for drawing the comparison. Guess what?. . .YOU FAIL AT LIFE."
Mar. 7th: "DON'T MAKE ME PULL A ROSLIN & AIRLOCK ALL OF LIVEJOURNAL, BECAUSE I WILL. SCULLY HAD BETTAH WIN THIS BITCH, SO HELP ME GOD."
Mar. 14th: "Isabella: aealieailhoaigh!
Me: Man, you are a talkative little thing, aren't you?
Jayden: I'm talkative too!
Me: Jayden, don't be competitive.
Jayden: But I talk my head!
Me: What? You mean you talk your head off?
Jayden: No, I talk IN my head. I do it so people won't hear me!
Me: *trying not to laugh* You mean thoughts? You think something & you talk in your head?
Jayden: Yes!
Me: I do that too, Jay! Everyone does that. *still holding in laughter*
Jayden: REALLY?
Me: *cracks up*"
Mar. 17th: "I found out my grandma has breast cancer tonight. MAN, LIFE, WAY TO DISH 'EM OUT."
Mar. 20th: "Me: Well, try not to be too afraid. They're just people. . .y'know, except they're dead.
Corinne: Great, excellent.
Me: Just, if the walls start bleeding? You might want to move.
Corinne: Yeah, I'm thinking that'd be a good idea.
Me: Or if the house is like, "GET OUT."[/Amityville Horror voice]
Corinne: *laughs* But seriously, it seems to be getting worse! Why?
Me: Maybe they're getting more comfortable with you. They got over their shyness.
Corinne: Yeah, we're bonding.
Me: Hey, you know what you could do? Just leave a plate of cookies out for them with a little note that says, "Hey, what up, ghosts. Help yourselves, let's be buddies. Please don't kill me."
Corinne: Thanks for the advice.
Me: No problem."
Mar. 21st: "LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLE"
Mar. 25th: "ONLY ONE WEEK LEFT UNTIL BONES RETURNS, PEOPLE. I'M SO EXCITED. . .I'M SO EXCITED. . .I'M. . .SO. . .SCARED![/Jessie Spano]"
Mar. 27th: "Chris Carter: And the tagline will be, "The truth is out there."
Ron Moore: Ooh, that's good. Mine will be, "And they have a plan."
Chris Carter: Awesome, dude!
Ron Moore: But guess what?
Chris Carter: What?
Ron Moore: They won't.
Chris Carter: Ha!
Ron Moore: I mean, not other than "kill everyone," which is an obvious plan anyway if you think about it.
Chris Carter: That's cool. Because you wanna know something?
Ron Moore: Huh?
Chris Carter: The truth isn't really out there. I'm just making it up as I go along.
Ron Moore: Sweet.
Chris Carter: You wanna know how long I'm gonna string 'em along with the bee shit? And then what the end of the Samantha storyline will be? C'mere. . .*whispers in Ron Moore's ear*
Ron Moore: *laughs & laughs* Oh, man, that's rich! But that's nothin' compared to what I've got in store for my people when it comes to PIGEONS! JUST YOU WAIT!"
Mar. 28th: "I may murder my sister. Or at least maim her. . .So uh, yeah, now she's mad at me. Which is fine, because I'm honestly not really pleased with her either."
Apr. 3rd: "Me: I have important news for you. Guess what's returning tonight?
Coworker: What? Glee?
Me: No, bitch. BONES. BONES IS RETURNING.
Coworker: Ohhh. But I have plans tonight!
Me: THAT IS NO EXCUSE.
Coworker: It is too!
Me: NO, NICOLE. JUST, NO. DON'T YOU HAVE PRIORITIES?
Coworker: My nieces are coming to visit!
Me:. . .Okay, I suppose that's a good excuse.
Coworker: Right?
Me: BUT DON'T YOU KNOW THAT'S WHAT YOUR DVR IS FOR?
Coworker: But I already have conflicting shows!
Me: YOU LISTEN HERE. HULU.COM. FOX.COM. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR GUFF.
Coworker: But I already stare at a computer all day at work!
Me: DAMN YOU, NICOLE."
Apr. 4th: "Did you hear that? That faint do-do-do-do-do-dooooo music in the background? Could that be the X-Files theme song I detect? No, no, it can't be. . .that show's been over for eight years! Unless. . .but no. It's not possible! A rewatch? No way. Too epic. Minds will explode. Fangirls will faint. Shippers & noromos will come to blows. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
BUT I MUST."
Apr. 8th: "Me: Nicole, I'm so glad you're here. I have very exciting news for you.
Coworker: What?
Me: I have a new show for you.
Coworker: 'Kaaaaaay, I can't promise I'll watch it though.
Me: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just listen.
Coworker: All right. What is it? When's it on?
Me: Tuesday nights. Ten o'clock. TNT. Southland. BE THERE.
Coworker: Aw, I can't!
Me: Conflicting show?
Coworker: Yep.
Me: DAMN YOU, NICOLE. WHY MUST YOU FAIL ME AT EVERY TURN. Don't you have "On Demand?"
Coworker: I have Dish Network. I don't know if they have that.
Me: SIGH. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Does your show go on hiatus during the summer?
Coworker: Yes.
Me: 'Kay, we're gonna find out if Southland will reair in the summer. And then you're gonna watch it. DON'T WORRY, I'M HERE FOR YOU.
Coworker: Okay. . .
Me: WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.
Coworker: Oh man."
Apr. 10th: "Me: Nicole, I hope you know what you missed out on last night.
Nicole: *rolls eyes & ignores me, smiling*
Me: BIG-HAPPENINGS, NICOLE. EPIC SHIT WAS HAD.
My work-crush: What? What big-happenings?
Me: Oh, on my show. Heh.
Work-crush: What's your show?
Me: Er, Bones. I've been kinda stalking Nicole about it for a year now. She loves it.
Nicole: *fake-sighs*
Work-crush: Oh! I like that show!
Me: *stares*[/crush growing]
Work-crush: Except I can't watch it right now because Fox won't come in on my tv.
Me: You poor thing!
Work-crush: That's actually a good show, Nicole!
Nicole: I'm sure it is!
Work-crush: You should watch it!
Nicole: OMG! I DON'T HAVE TIME!
Other coworker: Meow!
Me: *cracking up*"
Apr. 11th: "We caught up & laughed a lot, and it was nice to see her again. . .all in all it was fun gaytimes (and Amy kept making me laugh by saying shit like "this is pretty gay." Hahahaha). Let's hear it for gay bars!
. . .My sister finally called me. . .was like, "you're not my friend. Fuck you". . .I almost wonder if there's something wrong with me for how little I care. . .And I'm going to eventually snap. . .I feel like the first lyric of "Defying Gravity": "Something has changed within me. . .something is not the same."
Apr. 15th: (mom) "once again emailed me. . .I put her email address into my "spam folder", and deleted both her & my stepdad's emails from my contacts list. . .I'm giving it up to God. Take it away, big guy. She's all yours."
Apr. 18th: "I'd forgotten what it was like to be hungry. . .I'd been like that before the Topamax (since around late November, I think)."
Apr. 25th: "Me: WTF is up with HOW SLOW IT IS?
Meredith: I hate April.
Me: Stupid Easter month!
Meredith: Thanks a lot, Jesus!
Me: God, really. So selfish!
Meredith: Couldn't have just taken a day. Had to take the whole month!
Me: Damn't, I NEED SOME SALES!
Meredith: C'mon, Jesus, TAKE THE WHEEL!
Me: HA!
. . .
Me: These non-purchasers personally offend me.
Meredith: You should tell them that.
Me: I just might.
Meredith: Tell them you think they smell.
Me: And then I should make them apologize, and think about what they've done.
Meredith: Right, like, "stop being so poor!"
Me: Exactly! God!. . .Hey, you remember Monday when I had my great sales day? How I was so gung-ho about making my goal for the month & getting a big bonus?
Meredith: And then Jesus took the wheel?
Me: *dies*
Meredith: Jesus needs some driver's ed!
SERIOUSLY. TEARS. DOWN MY FACE. Hahaha."
Apr. 27th: "I had my third appointment with my counselor tonight. . .the minute I started talking about my nephew, I started crying. . .I'm wondering if maybe that's part of the numbness too, that it just hurts too much, so I just shut down when it comes to him. I don't know."
Apr. 29th: "Meredith: Hey, did you guys hear about China getting stripped of its bronze medal?
Me: WHAT?!
Meredith & Justin: Whoa, G's excited!
Me: In ladies gymnastics, right?
Meredith:. . .uh, yeah?
Me: Ha HA! SEND ME THE LINK!
Meredith: Ooookay, here you go. . .
Me: Haaaaa, suck it China!
Justin: What is she excited about, gymnastics?!
Meredith: Yeah.
Me: You guys don't understand, I am CRAZY about gymnastics. Ohhh, but wait, this is from 2000! I thought it was gonna be about the 2008 team! Aw man.
Meredith: If you were a true fan, you'd still care.
Me: I do still care! But WTF, IOC, way to be 10 years behind.
Meredith: It's okay, just plan to be excited in 10 years.
Janet: *walks up, complaining about not being motivated to work*
Me: Hey, I can give you a reason to be hyper.
Janet: What?
Me: You like gymnastics?
Janet: You do gymnastics?
Me: No.
Meredith: But she's getting a medal in the mail.
Me: No I'm not.
Meredith: It's being stripped from the Chinese. . .
Janet: What?
Meredith:. . .and sent to her in the mail.
Me: *laughing*
Janet: You guys have way too much fun over here. I'm going back to work."
May 5th: "Mother's Day is coming up. . .It's like floodgates have been opened. . .one minute I'm remembering her insulting me & I want to rip up my kitchen in a fit of rage, and the next I'm crying over her fake dream death."
May 8th: "I've had the kind of depression hanging in the background all week long that makes me look at the veins in my wrist when I come home at night and think to myself, "all it would take is a few small cuts to these tiny veins and it would all be over. All of it. No more pain, no more crying, no more struggle. I'd just go over there, sit in the kitchen, bleed for a while, and then go to sleep & be done. That's all." And I think about it, and I look at these few blue skinny veins that control everything--my consciousness, my life, all of it--and I think, "why not?"
. . .but I won't go down without a fight. As my friend from last night is so fond of saying, "this ain't my first rodeo."
May 20th: "Amy: You know, I think more men in the '80s were gay than straight.
Me: *beat*. . .what?!
Amy: Look at them!
Me: Because of their tiny shorts?
Amy: Yes!
Me: That's just their clothing!
Amy: Dude, LOOK AT THEM.
Me: *looks at screen, where teenage boys are running around the football field in short shorts*. . .eehhh, but I think there'd be a lot less people born in the eighties then.
Amy: Maybe.
Me: *keeps looking* Unless they were all in the closet.
Amy: RIGHT?
Me: BUT WAIT. What if it was because all the clothes designers were gay?
Amy: Oh my God, that's a good point.
Me: And it was the '80s, so none of the straight guys probably had a clue, so all the designers would be like, "here, put on this midriff-baring sweatshirt with these tiny crotch-hugging shorts. It'll drive the girls WILD." And the clueless straight guys were like, "really?" and the designers would be all, "shh, don't think so much baby, just go get dressed." And then they'd laugh & go back to designing giant sweater dresses for the women.
Amy: YES. OH MY GOD. But, y'know, maybe it was also just the style back then too. . .
Me: Yeah, well, that too. But I do think for the rest of the movie we should just pretend that every guy is gay. I think it'll make it a much better movie.
Amy: I think it will too. BECAUSE THEY ARE."
June 4th: "I attended an Al-Anon meeting. . .I thought it was lovely."
June 5th: "I just need to keep repeating the following thing to myself like a mantra: YOU'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS. YOU'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS. YOU'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS."
June 8th: "I've just been in full-on bitch-mode all day wanting to snap necks & kick puppies. . .once I realized I was about to pull an Agent Booth on the ice cream truck, I decided to take a lesson from the Buddhist book I'm reading. . .and ended up taking an hour-long walk through the forest."
June 18th: "there's this part of me that's always feared I was somehow so emotionally flawed & closed-off & fucked up when it came to intimacy that I could never be in a relationship. . .I feel like if I make a move, it's like I'm inviting her to a party or something & have to be the ~perfect hostess~ and make sure everything is just right. Like, you can't just invite someone to your house & then be all, "so, uh, I know I invited you, but there's no refreshments. And no snacks. Sorry about that." Like, hey, come on in to this relationship! It's gonna suck! Because I suck! Not cool.
So I talked with my counselor about these things, and she was like, "I'd like you to try having more. . .spontaneous parties." Ha."
June 20th: (re: my high school reunion) "My throat hurts from talking loud all night. Also, I'm drunk. . .I pulled a Brennan & stuck my foot in my mouth when I ran into an old friend. . .was like, "Oh my God, are you pregnant?". . .TOO BAD SHE WASN'T. Awwwwkward! Hahahaha. Aimee (one of the friends I came with) was DYING."
June 26th: "Is this what it's like to have a social life? I'd almost forgotten."
July 6th: "my nephew's birthday coming up tomorrow is definitely affecting me. . .The hurt is so deep, I can't even explain it. . .A huge chunk of my life just fell apart. No matter how you try to dress it up, that's still the truth of it."
July 14th: "I have to admit, it makes me very nervous to allow myself to feel happy about having friends. . .I don't like letting my emotions be influenced by other people. After high school, when I was so depressed & had no friends anymore, I told myself I'd never let myself become attached to others again. They could come & go as they pleased, but I wouldn't need them. Still, I feel very happy at the moment about having plans several weeks out. It makes me feel like I'm part of the world and have things to look forward to. I think I just need to strike a balance between the two. Let myself enjoy others' company & friendship, but not to the point where my happiness depends on them."
July 25th: "I have an important announcement to make:
CUBAN FOOD IS DELICIOUS.
. . .Aaaand I have awesome friends. Totally double rainbow, as Aimee would say. All the way! Haha."
July 26th: "Amy: I'm telling you that's a full moon.
Me: That is NOT symmetrical.
Amy: It is too!
Me: Dude, artist's eye! Don't doubt me!
Amy: You can't tell, because you're blind.
Me: I HAVE GLASSES.
Amy: *laughing*
Me: We need a guy in a lab coat to come out & tell you so you'll believe me. That is NOT a full moon.
Amy: If a guy in a lab coat came out right now, I would start doing this: *does ninja moves*
Me: HA. True! And then he'd probably start doing this: *flashes open coat, mimics masturbating*
Both of us: *dying*"
July 31st: "Well, this week has been. . .eventful. Amy & I are done. Like, done-done. Deleted off facebook-done."
Aug. 2nd: "I'm now unemployed. Or FUNemployed as I've decided to call it. This year has now reached epic proportions of win and I'm currently just waiting for the plague of locusts.
. . .I have nothing left to lose; nothing left to give.
This would be a perfect suicide note, but it's not. I think if people knew how often I had perfect suicide notes in my head, they'd be really frightened. . .
Nothing gold can stay.
Everything is lost eventually."
Aug. 4th: "I feel all alone; I'm drowning. Things are falling apart. Things are already broken. A birthday bag all gone to rust, and metaphors that don't even make sense.
Nothing has ever made sense.
. . .To my sister,
You have abandoned me.
Remember lying in matching pink canopy beds, you making up stories to comfort me against the darkness? There is only darkness now.
Cock-a-doodle-doo-I'm a turkey-duck?
Slip-and-sliding in the bathtub?
A secret language of memories only sisters would share. But we don't speak the same language anymore.
You used to get angry at me for not trusting you when you wanted me to ride on your handlebars. "I'm your big sister," you'd say. "I'd never let anything happen to you."
But you did.
Visions of blood streaming from my wrists, all alone.
And you did.
I don't know who you are anymore. You used to be my friend.
(lightning strikes the forearm)
Remember the bunny? Planting carrots?
(do it again)"
Aug. 6th: "I am scared.
I feel like I am falling apart. I don't know if I'll come back this time.
I don't want to eat. I just want to sleep. I don't understand anything. I don't care.
I see pictures on the shelf and I want to rip them to shreds.
I see veins on my wrist and I trace them with my nail, pushing down just so.
I pretend I'm okay--to myself, to others. I'm not okay. I don't know when I will be again.
I feel numb. Like everything is quiet and far away, moving slowly. I know I should care, that things could be different tomorrow, next week, but it feels so far away. It doesn't touch me. Nothing touches me.
I feel so alone. Back to the beginning again, outside looking in. Never a part of things--always apart.
If everything ends in death anyway--nothingness, oblivion, peace--why not hit fast-forward? What is the point? When you're tired at a party, isn't it okay to call it a day and go home?
What if it's time to call it a day?"
Aug. 9th: "To say that I've been suicidal doesn't really do it justice. . .There have been some plans thought up. . .Everything is just in a fog. . .I am alone. Unloved. Wrong. Defective. Less than. The world would get along fine without me. None of this means anything anyway. We will all be gone eventually anyhow. I was once not here and will be not here again, that is all.
. . .If anything, for that brief, glorious moment, at least the blood trailing from my wrist would be a moment of pure feeling. At least then I'd have gone out with a bang, on my own terms. . .
Please God,
help me. . .
. . .I made the decision that I can't guarantee I won't want to kill myself again, but that if I do & I think I'm actually in serious danger to myself I'll call a hotline. . .And then I can renew that commitment to myself every season like marriage vows. . .For right now, the agreement is until 12/31/2010 or the first snowfall, whichever comes first."
Aug. 13th: "she asked me to send my sister an email telling her I miss her & that I'm hurting. . .I don't know what part got through to her, but something did."
Sept. 18th: "Things are really not okay with me. . .I broke down. . .started cutting myself with a steak knife & razor blade. . .I feel nothing. . .all there is, is just this massive ache in my chest, blooming outward like some fucked-up flower.
I got myself to go to an interview today. . .got the job. . .Despite that, I found myself so close to planning my own suicide tonight that I actually gave in & called a hotline.
. . .It's like my whole life is being shaken around, things are falling from the floor to the ceiling, and I just want to rip my face off to make it stop. But all I can do is lie on my bed in the midday dark, and think about who would find the body."
Oct. 12th: "Jayden: Grammy was over here last night looking for medicine. She was in my room!
Me: *sigh* I know, Jay.
Jayden: Why did she cry when I told her she was yelling? She WAS yelling!
My sister: She was yelling--you're right, Jayden.
Jayden: Why is she LIKE THAT?
Me: There's just something wrong with her, Jay. I'm sorry."
Oct. 26: "Re Asperger's, here's the deal: I've wondered about this for a long time. . .Going back to 2003. . .Over the last year, however, I've been looking into it a lot more. . .they all tested average while my ass tested "very high", in the same range as people did who've been diagnosed with the condition.
. . .I'm not sure if it's even important whether I have it. . .learning about it has helped."
Oct. 28th: "BOYS. There are boys & they are suddenly talking to me. It's very confusing."
Oct. 31st: "when Brennan said to Angela, "it's as I expected"? I related. . .I remember sitting in a hottub with my friends senior year of highschool, and having this sudden epiphany, this ~moment of clarity~, that I would always be alone. That I would never have a real relationship. I even voiced it aloud. . .Fast-forward to now, and what do you have? A 28 year old who's kissed exactly three guys in her life (only two of which she really counts) and one girl, never dated anyone longer than 1-2 months (nothing exclusive/committed), and is still 100% a virgin."
Nov. 1st: "I HAVE A DATE. Or a date-like thing. I really have no idea how to tell with these things."
Nov. 4th: "Well played, sirs. Well played.
*plants a bomb & watches it explode*
Yeah. . .he's an alcoholic. . .I seriously just want to punch the world right now. I LIKED HIM. I didn't want to admit it, but I did. . .CAN'T I JUST ONCE GO ON A DATE & GET LAID LIKE A NORMAL FEMALE?"
Nov. 5th: "Soooo. . .it's possible this job is so simple & mindless that my brain has been doing nothing but daydreaming about Booth & Brennan for days on end. . .I'm actually pondering the frightening idea of taking my live-action fanfic daydreams & turning them into a fanfic reality.
In other words: writing a story."
Nov. 6th: "A police officer from child protective services talked to Jayden at his school today about what happened, and he filed a protective order against Lance so he can't see the kids for the next 60 days."
Nov. 8th: "Jayden: (as he closes the front door) "Oh no! It's THAT BOY!"
Me: What boy?
Jayden: That boy in the neighborhood! My friend!
Me: What's bad about that?
Jayden: *ranting* He always has his brother with him! And his brother bugs me, and he doesn't even help or stop him! And he comes knocking on my door when I'm playing PS-2!
Me: The brother?
Jayden: What?
Me: Who comes knocking on the door? Your friend's brother? Or your friend?
Jayden? *looks at me like I'm crazy* I can't tell; they're behind the door! *heaves a huge sigh at my adult idiocy*
Me: *laughing* So, you just know it's one of them?
Jayden: YES. And I get REALLY FRUSTRATED when someone knocks on the door when I'm playing PS-2. *clenches fists in the air* I get all fired up!
Me: That's it; I need to hug you now.[/cracking up]
. . .
Jayden: *talking non-stop*
My sister: Jayden, I love you, but sometimes you make me want to go mental.
Jayden: I guess you want to be like Grammy then!
Me: HA!
. . .
My sister: Jayden, you're going to drive when you get older, right?
Jayden: I was actually thinking if I will have a car. . .
Me: HA!
My sister: You WILL have a car!
Jayden: Nope. I don't think so.
My sister: I am not driving you around! Jayden, you're gonna want to drive. You'll want the freedom!
Jayden: No way, Jose.
My sister: Oh my God. Okay--Jayden, I love you. You don't have to drive. But I am not driving you around like Tia. Don't you know you're going to have to drive me around someday? You have to take care of me!
Jayden: You have to take care of me!
My sister: All right, Jayden. All right. Isabella, are you going to drive?
Isabella: Yes!
Me: *still laughing*
My sister: Jayden, what about when you go on dates? You can't take girls on the bus!
Jayden: Isabella can drive me! She'll be one hot, stylin' girl! 'Cause she'll have me, you. . .and Tia! She'd better get a van!
My sister: No vans! I hate minivans! They're evil!
Me: She could get a hippie van.
My sister: NO VANS!
Jayden: Ohhh, she's gonna get a van! You can cry all you want!"
Nov. 8th: "I have started writing my fanfic and, omg, ~fanfic writing is all fun-like & what-not~! I kind of get now why people do it. Hee.
*does cartwheels o' creativity*
Now, watch as this story ends up like 100,561,374 words long. God help me & my meticulous, verbose ways."
Nov. 10th: "my sister had to face Lance in court this week. . .he's possibly facing up to a year in jail for felony assault. . ."CAN I GET AN AMEN? ENJOY THE JUMPSUIT, FUCKER."
Nov. 12th: "of course my sister had to disrespect my wishes (what's new?) and throw a fit at me tonight. . .Apparently, I'm "weird", "not normal". . .it makes no sense for me to want to spend my evening here in "my hole". . .my cousin Courtney is lucky she has "normal sisters". . .she then went on to say shit like, "oh, did your counselor tell you to say that?" and "I think you see counselors too much."
. . .I'm so beyond over my family."
Nov. 14th: "As planned, I went to the ACA meeting yesterday. They started by talking about the tendency of adult children from dysfunctional homes to believe they cannot love & cannot be loved, which really hit me."
Nov. 15th: "I am now officially unemployed again. It is my fault and that doesn't make it easier."
Nov. 18th: "I did hear back from my sister. And no, things are not good. . .I will love my sister until I die, but she does not have a right to be near me if she's treating me abusively.
No one does. I don't care how badly they say they "need" me or how big a self-centered bitch they tell me I am.
Keep the insults comin', sis. I'm like teflon at this point. It really doesn't even phase me; in fact it actually makes it easier. As Tina Fey says, "bitches get stuff done."
Nov. 27th: "I went to my uncle's and we had our Firefly marathon, which was great. . .although it's not like the cancer isn't an issue. . .I'm walking a really fine line in terms of dealing with it. . .it's going to hurt. A lot. And I don't want to feel it."
Nov. 29th: "I cut tonight. A lot. I felt calmer afterward, even though I couldn't stop shaking. Then I burst into tears, and now I just feel numb.
. . .It's better than the other impulse I had, which was to swallow my bottles of prozac & topamax, but I'm determined right now to stay alive.
. . .I want things to be simple. I want to fly away to Nepal, live with monks for a year, and shut my brain off. I need a break.
. . .Everything is spinning & I have no idea what to do next."
Dec. 2nd: "I went out for coffee/chai tea with
5brokenfingers yesterday, which I so needed.. . .Knowing everything I do now? I'd like to go back in time & write myself an additional resolution, just so I can look back & say "yes, I accomplished this":
Survive. Choose to leave a horrible past behind, begin to re-parent yourself, set up safe boundaries within which you can live & eventually (hopefully) thrive, find good people to call your own, and keep picking yourself up every time you fall.
Done, and done. Compared to that, nothing else really matters."
Dec. 4th: "I got told by a friend on facebook today that I'm "always so literal." I was like (in my head), "uhhhh, basically, yes." Ha. Then the conversation somehow turned into us discussing duels & bad 1970s pornos. Also: my nickname is now Stabby McKnifey. Just, y'know, in case y'all were wondering. Which I'm sure you were."
Dec. 6th: "There are moments when you realize yourself, when you feel like your head comes above water--like you've been drowning--and you suddenly feel alive again & are *glad* to be alive. . .All you can do in reaction is just sit there & cry. There but for the grace of God, you know?"
Dec. 10th: "Zee fanfic o' insecurity & everlasting procrastination, mi amigas: IT IS DONE. . .I am proud, for serious. . .Most importantly though, this endeavor allowed me to discover that I really, really like creative writing. Who knew?"
Dec. 12th: "I've been trying so hard to fake-it-'til-I-make-it lately. . .Things don't feel real. . .when I look in the mirror, I don't feel connected to my own reflection. . .It's just a body staring back at me. . .I'm not sure if after detaching as a child, I can ever see the world as totally real again.
. . .I kept having urges to jump in front of cars. . .I had to just focus on each individual step to keep calm, because I felt like sobbing. . .When I got home, I did sob. . .I hit my head with my hand, I rocked, I paced, I couldn't make the emotions go away. I wanted to die. I didn't even know why; I just did.
Another day, you know? Inconceivable. Another day. And another after that. Feeling this way. Walls closing in, brain buzzing, nothing in control, nothing making sense, everything fucked.
. . .I did end up cutting. . .I stood there, staring at my razor, staring at my wrist. . .debating just going for it this time. I thought about what the note would say--"I'm sorry. I love you all."--and just stared. I threw the razor back in the medicine cabinet & walked out of the room."
Dec. 14th: "I don't want to be a cliche. . .This just pisses me off.
I am the type of person who keeps things under control. . .not a stupid girl who starves herself to lose weight, not someone who can't stop doing something bad when I need to. So if that's all true, what the fuck am I doing? And why haven't I stopped yet?"
Dec. 16th: "My house guest (
dradiscontact) arrives tomorrow, which should be fun. . .it's nice to have company. Gives me motivation to clean, go to the store, get out of my head. . .I think it'll do me good to spend some time with a friend & play the role of hostess."Dec. 22nd: "I'm really glad to not be alone this week."
Dec. 24th:
dradiscontact had to go home today. . .I feel surprisingly lonely, which is sort of ridiculous. But I will be okay. One more week, folks. That's all. And then it's time to kiss 2010 the Hell goodbye. LET'S DO THIS."Dec. 25th: "So. Christmas. Ho ho ho & what-not.
. . .Even though I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Such is life. As Micah said to Bones, it's better to feel sad than dead, right? At least it means you care."
Dec. 30th: "My mom showed up tonight.
. . .God didn't listen.
. . .All I want is to move on with my life."
Dec. 31st: "12/31/10: I made it. . .
So, maybe, in the end, God did listen."
---
We're gonna finish this thing off with the song I listened to on the night of my suicide hotline call. I probably wouldn't have been alive to hear it if I hadn't picked up the phone. I don't even remember the man's name who talked to me. I don't know where he is now. But this song & that memory will forever be linked in my mind. It's a beautiful piece of music & the lyrics in particular struck me. I'm afraid. . .I did love you. . .stay forever.
I can't stay forever. But let's see how long I can stay, shall we? Last night I prayed & at least committed to stay until the end of January. I'll keep extending that commitment from there (I'd like to commit to the end of the year again, but the pressure scares me). One foot in front of the other; one breath at a time. It's how I've made it this far, and it's how I'll keep going.
For what it's worth, as I sat listening to this song last night, I felt--for the first time in a long while--that things were gonna be okay. I think they just actually might.
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Date: 2011-01-02 09:29 am (UTC)*knocks on wood*
You're review is very impressing!
Aw, thanks. I originally got the idea from a friend, back in 2002. She used to do reviews just like these. I wish more would jump on the bandwagon. They're so much fun.