![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82I'm so bored I feel like I need a survey to fill out or something. Why isn't there more fanfic for Bones being written? I suppose I could write some, but meh. I'm tired. (DAMN ENNUI.)
I just feel like sleeping. And then sleeping some more. And after that? Perhaps a nap.
In my defense, my sinuses & right ear hurt. I'm not sure if it's allergies (I have hay fever & my body basically hates me year-round) or an actual cold, or what, but still. Can that be my excuse?
Of course my jaw also hurts. I REALLY need to remember to wear my bite guard at night. TMJ, stupid! You grind your teeth! Stop acting like you don't know this!
Okay, I'm done complaining now. Promise.
To (temporarily) cure my boredom, let's be narcissistic and talk about ourselves, shall we? I love personality tests, and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
softly_me talked about this first, so she started it. We can blame her.
Now, before we begin, join in on the fun & see which type you are.
Since I apparently like to be complicated, I remember getting INFJ a couple times when I was younger (like, teenager/early twenties-younger); however, since I've gotten older I always get INTJ every time I take it, no matter when & no matter where. At least the I-N-J are all consistent. Heh. To be real though, it's not actually surprising to me. For one, INTJ describes me *really* well, in a lot of ways (I laughed while reading most of it. Heh. SO accurate). And where it lacks, INFJ pops in--describing the parts of my heart that ARE there (that my trusted friends see), the things I do care about, the way I choose specific people to confide in, and the fact that I naturally am drawn towards writing, etc. I think, in the end, I'm a funky-ass hybrid mix of the two.
In other words: God help me & those I associate with. Haha.
Except I totally agree with & am proud of the fact that it said my relationships are characterized by consistency, communication, directness, and my ability to "work at" them. That is absolutely true. I may not have a million people in my life, but those I do keep? I take very seriously.
Anyhoo, moving on: I have another song-that-needs-to-be-a-fanvid for you guys. Of course none of these will probably ever be made into vids, but PISH POSH. No matter. Consider it like a really slow-going WIP fanmix. Ha. Aaand to make things even more interesting this time, I'm not even gonna tell you which pairing it's for/whose pov it's meant to be from. I wanna see who can guess correctly. Get to it!.
Lastly, it looks like my subconscious isn't done torturing me yet. I hope you all don't mind me talking about it here. If you do, just skip it.
The beginning of the dream was actually quite entertaining. I was on my way to visitsumpta, after she sent me some kind of touristy jingle online about Belgium (for some reason it ended with "in-in-in-nnn-nnnnlaaaaaand". WTF? Hahaha). I arrived at some kind of lighthouse, which was covered in ice, and it had staircases leading down to the ocean--waves crashing against the bottom--and I had to turn around so I wouldn't slide into the sea. Of course I still ended up sliding down the opposite staircase into a puddle, causing all the tourists to stare at me, like "Sigh. Americans."
(I love how, in my head, Belgium is like the freakin' arctic. Ha.)
Then I looked outside the window and noticed all these '30s and '40s style cars driving around, none of which were staying in their own lanes. Suddenly, they were in the room with us as well, driving all around me, and I just kept laughing at them, finally turning to some of the locals around me to ask if traffic there was always like this. They of course were vaguely insulted, so I tried to make friends, but they ended up leaving me behind when I told them I had to go meet sumpta.
That's when the dream changed tone. I was sitting by a lake in a park, getting my bearings and thinking about where to find a bus & so on, when I heard my mother's voice behind me. I could tell it was a tape recording, but I turned around and saw her sitting behind me holding a recorder. She pressed stop & I began to yell at her, losing my voice. All that came out were whispers. I asked, "What are you doing here?!" She said, "I think I'm finally ready to quit." I kept trying to speak, barely able. I told her that didn't mean anything, she'd said that a million times before & then continued taking things. She needed to actually go to rehab, stay for 90 days--at least--while committing to attend meetings afterward, and THEN contact me. She wouldn't even let me finish, began making up excuses. "I'm a single mother with kids! I have a mother with four children!" None of it even made sense, except that my mom was a single mother at times during my childhood, briefly. But otherwise, no. I tried yelling harder. She began walking away. I threw her tape in the water, said I wanted to throw myself in too. She turned & walked back to me, said she felt the same way. Then she jumped in. I jumped in after her, dove down & grabbed her. I finally could speak, screamed in her face, "You are not a single mother with kids. We are all grown up. You are an old woman. Your mom is in her eighties. Everyone is grown up. You are dying. YOU'RE DYING. You have kidney disease. You've had a heart attack. YOU NEED TO STOP."
Everyone in the park just stared. That was the end of the dream. I'm crying right now, writing about it.
Except not the end of all my dreams. I also dreamt I was with my dad, stepmom, sister, & Jayden. Both my sister & Jayden's eyes were completely red, no whites at all. I asked why & she said it happens when you cry too much. I tried getting Jayden to play with me by offering him video games that used to belong to my brother, but he wasn't interested in any of them. He just sat there, unhappy. Then walked into the kitchen, swearing & slamming things.
And for some reason there was McDonalds food everywhere, but I don't think that meant anything. Except my sister always ate there. But seriously, WTF.
Anyway, that's it. STOP IT, BRAIN. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
Maybe not, though. I mean, maybe I need to just let it be. There's obviously something there I'm not letting myself feel and I need to feel it. The truth is, as much as I'm ready to move on & have peace in my life, it's the truth that this song still makes me cry because it reminds me of my mother. When I listened to "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails last night, the lyrics "my sweetest friend" and "I will let you down; I will make you hurt" made me think of my childhood best friend Kim (the heroin addict) and I broke down sobbing. All I could think of was that last phone call between us--me hanging up, the end of our friendship. Was I right to step away? Yes. Do I still feel like I let her down? Like I hurt her? Yes. Do I feel like I let my mom down? Like I hurt her? Yes.
I didn't even really let myself mourn Kim. I just moved right on. I had to. But I thought I could help her, I thought we'd always be friends. I was wrong. I thought I could help my mom, I thought someday, maybe, things could get better. I was wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I really am cold-hearted. Sometimes I feel guilty.
But then I remember, I stood by Kim all those years. I supported her, I was there for her. She could've called me back. I called her again that summer. I tried. Her addiction ruined the friendship, not me. She chose numbness over me.
And I remember, I gave my mom a choice. She had a way to be in my life. She *chose* not to take it. She's still choosing not to take it. She left me, not the other way around.
As for my sister? What kind of healthy choice did I have? Really? Why do I do this to myself?
It's just so hard though. It's like I had to say goodbye to my mom all over again, when she showed up at my door. I had to say goodbye to my sister all over again, in November. And then my sister emailed me, of course, after I sent Jayden the gift. I didn't want her to email me. I wanted him to call me. That's what the note said. Why can't these people respect me? At the very least, if he didn't want to call me, she could've just emailed me a message from him and left it at that. I can't deal with her anymore when she's still all manipulative & associating herself with the crazy that is our effed-up family. It doesn't work.
I think I'm discovering that there's a part of me that hasn't let go yet. A part that still wishes my mom would go to rehab, go to meetings, get herself totally straightened out, leave Joe, stay on her bipolar medication consistently, maybe even go to counseling, and undergo some magical transformation of ~wonder~. Become the mom she could've always been, you know? Be happy, nice, and stable. Which the codependent part of me of course thinks would make everything else okay too. My sister and the kids would be away from Joe, drama would simmer down, she'd be encouraged to seek out counseling too, and we could actually be a FAMILY. Maybe someday she'd even talk to my dad again. And then the credits would roll--the screen fading out on my sister & brother hugging as the audience wipes the tears from their eyes & la de freaking da.
Too bad that never happened. And maybe/probably never will. Too bad I don't even get the version where my mom still goes down the highway to hell, but my sister at least pulls away & WE get to make up our own family unit as siblings, the two of us recovering & going to counseling and becoming normal adults. Nope. Don't get that either.
I don't really get anything. And maybe half my family would say "good, you don't deserve to. That's your choice." if they heard that. It's like a lose/lose situation. I'm determined to get out & they're determined to stay put. All of us will suffer for it.
That's just kind of how I feel right now.
I know in time that my route is the one that promises the least amount of pain. It's the rational, healthy road. It's just that in the meantime, there's a lot of daily nightmares when I hit the sack. Makes things hard to navigate.
Oh, and did I mention my mom is on YouTube, singing songs? And has one of her singing a song behind a picture of me? Yeah. There's also one of her singing to a teddy bear (verrrry WTF. Her voice is all childlike as she talks to it, but she's singing all seductive-like. What the helllll). It's too embarassing to link to (and I don't want to look them up for fear that there'll be new vids that are worse--the ones I already saw were weird, but not horrible. I'm staying away before that potentially changes), but I just had to mention it. I've known about it for months, but only finally watched them after she included a link in her emails the night of the police brouhaha. My favorite parts though were one where she just sits & stares into the camera, doing nothing (ha), and then another where she walks off, calling the camera "stupid." Finally, the real her!
They're a bit depressing as well though, because she actually has a good voice--though it's obvious she would've been better if she hadn't smoked all these years, and if she'd ever had voice training--so it's like, "you know. . .if you hadn't wasted your life, you could've had potential. Please stop reminding me of that."
I mean, really, when I was little, she acted in plays, she was signed with a modeling agency, she did a commercial. She used to do russian dancing for my friends all over the apartment. She won a gold medal in the junior olympics as a teenager (before she, y'know, slit her wrists on the side of the road at 16, my dad standing nearby, watching in horror. Before acid, before drinking, before uppers, before downers, before DUIs, before psych wards, before everything. Things change). She could've become something other than what she is now. It's just sad.
I think I'm gonna spend a few hours now watching TV, but what to watch? I'm feeling a strange & utter random urge to watch Sex & the City. I think it's *just* light & fluffy enough to fit the bill. I need something cracky right now.
For my Vid of the Day though, I'm gonna go with something totally different. Remember when I used to talk about Dollhouse on here all the time? Let's bring it back for a moment. THEY MADE THEIR OWN FANVID FOR IT, Y'ALL. How have I never seen this before?!
I just feel like sleeping. And then sleeping some more. And after that? Perhaps a nap.
In my defense, my sinuses & right ear hurt. I'm not sure if it's allergies (I have hay fever & my body basically hates me year-round) or an actual cold, or what, but still. Can that be my excuse?
Of course my jaw also hurts. I REALLY need to remember to wear my bite guard at night. TMJ, stupid! You grind your teeth! Stop acting like you don't know this!
Okay, I'm done complaining now. Promise.
To (temporarily) cure my boredom, let's be narcissistic and talk about ourselves, shall we? I love personality tests, and
softly_me talked about this first, so she started it. We can blame her.Now, before we begin, join in on the fun & see which type you are.
Since I apparently like to be complicated, I remember getting INFJ a couple times when I was younger (like, teenager/early twenties-younger); however, since I've gotten older I always get INTJ every time I take it, no matter when & no matter where. At least the I-N-J are all consistent. Heh. To be real though, it's not actually surprising to me. For one, INTJ describes me *really* well, in a lot of ways (I laughed while reading most of it. Heh. SO accurate). And where it lacks, INFJ pops in--describing the parts of my heart that ARE there (that my trusted friends see), the things I do care about, the way I choose specific people to confide in, and the fact that I naturally am drawn towards writing, etc. I think, in the end, I'm a funky-ass hybrid mix of the two.
In other words: God help me & those I associate with. Haha.
Except I totally agree with & am proud of the fact that it said my relationships are characterized by consistency, communication, directness, and my ability to "work at" them. That is absolutely true. I may not have a million people in my life, but those I do keep? I take very seriously.
Anyhoo, moving on: I have another song-that-needs-to-be-a-fanvid for you guys. Of course none of these will probably ever be made into vids, but PISH POSH. No matter. Consider it like a really slow-going WIP fanmix. Ha. Aaand to make things even more interesting this time, I'm not even gonna tell you which pairing it's for/whose pov it's meant to be from. I wanna see who can guess correctly. Get to it!.
Lastly, it looks like my subconscious isn't done torturing me yet. I hope you all don't mind me talking about it here. If you do, just skip it.
The beginning of the dream was actually quite entertaining. I was on my way to visit
sumpta, after she sent me some kind of touristy jingle online about Belgium (for some reason it ended with "in-in-in-nnn-nnnnlaaaaaand". WTF? Hahaha). I arrived at some kind of lighthouse, which was covered in ice, and it had staircases leading down to the ocean--waves crashing against the bottom--and I had to turn around so I wouldn't slide into the sea. Of course I still ended up sliding down the opposite staircase into a puddle, causing all the tourists to stare at me, like "Sigh. Americans."(I love how, in my head, Belgium is like the freakin' arctic. Ha.)
Then I looked outside the window and noticed all these '30s and '40s style cars driving around, none of which were staying in their own lanes. Suddenly, they were in the room with us as well, driving all around me, and I just kept laughing at them, finally turning to some of the locals around me to ask if traffic there was always like this. They of course were vaguely insulted, so I tried to make friends, but they ended up leaving me behind when I told them I had to go meet sumpta.
That's when the dream changed tone. I was sitting by a lake in a park, getting my bearings and thinking about where to find a bus & so on, when I heard my mother's voice behind me. I could tell it was a tape recording, but I turned around and saw her sitting behind me holding a recorder. She pressed stop & I began to yell at her, losing my voice. All that came out were whispers. I asked, "What are you doing here?!" She said, "I think I'm finally ready to quit." I kept trying to speak, barely able. I told her that didn't mean anything, she'd said that a million times before & then continued taking things. She needed to actually go to rehab, stay for 90 days--at least--while committing to attend meetings afterward, and THEN contact me. She wouldn't even let me finish, began making up excuses. "I'm a single mother with kids! I have a mother with four children!" None of it even made sense, except that my mom was a single mother at times during my childhood, briefly. But otherwise, no. I tried yelling harder. She began walking away. I threw her tape in the water, said I wanted to throw myself in too. She turned & walked back to me, said she felt the same way. Then she jumped in. I jumped in after her, dove down & grabbed her. I finally could speak, screamed in her face, "You are not a single mother with kids. We are all grown up. You are an old woman. Your mom is in her eighties. Everyone is grown up. You are dying. YOU'RE DYING. You have kidney disease. You've had a heart attack. YOU NEED TO STOP."
Everyone in the park just stared. That was the end of the dream. I'm crying right now, writing about it.
Except not the end of all my dreams. I also dreamt I was with my dad, stepmom, sister, & Jayden. Both my sister & Jayden's eyes were completely red, no whites at all. I asked why & she said it happens when you cry too much. I tried getting Jayden to play with me by offering him video games that used to belong to my brother, but he wasn't interested in any of them. He just sat there, unhappy. Then walked into the kitchen, swearing & slamming things.
And for some reason there was McDonalds food everywhere, but I don't think that meant anything. Except my sister always ate there. But seriously, WTF.
Anyway, that's it. STOP IT, BRAIN. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
Maybe not, though. I mean, maybe I need to just let it be. There's obviously something there I'm not letting myself feel and I need to feel it. The truth is, as much as I'm ready to move on & have peace in my life, it's the truth that this song still makes me cry because it reminds me of my mother. When I listened to "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails last night, the lyrics "my sweetest friend" and "I will let you down; I will make you hurt" made me think of my childhood best friend Kim (the heroin addict) and I broke down sobbing. All I could think of was that last phone call between us--me hanging up, the end of our friendship. Was I right to step away? Yes. Do I still feel like I let her down? Like I hurt her? Yes. Do I feel like I let my mom down? Like I hurt her? Yes.
I didn't even really let myself mourn Kim. I just moved right on. I had to. But I thought I could help her, I thought we'd always be friends. I was wrong. I thought I could help my mom, I thought someday, maybe, things could get better. I was wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I really am cold-hearted. Sometimes I feel guilty.
But then I remember, I stood by Kim all those years. I supported her, I was there for her. She could've called me back. I called her again that summer. I tried. Her addiction ruined the friendship, not me. She chose numbness over me.
And I remember, I gave my mom a choice. She had a way to be in my life. She *chose* not to take it. She's still choosing not to take it. She left me, not the other way around.
As for my sister? What kind of healthy choice did I have? Really? Why do I do this to myself?
It's just so hard though. It's like I had to say goodbye to my mom all over again, when she showed up at my door. I had to say goodbye to my sister all over again, in November. And then my sister emailed me, of course, after I sent Jayden the gift. I didn't want her to email me. I wanted him to call me. That's what the note said. Why can't these people respect me? At the very least, if he didn't want to call me, she could've just emailed me a message from him and left it at that. I can't deal with her anymore when she's still all manipulative & associating herself with the crazy that is our effed-up family. It doesn't work.
I think I'm discovering that there's a part of me that hasn't let go yet. A part that still wishes my mom would go to rehab, go to meetings, get herself totally straightened out, leave Joe, stay on her bipolar medication consistently, maybe even go to counseling, and undergo some magical transformation of ~wonder~. Become the mom she could've always been, you know? Be happy, nice, and stable. Which the codependent part of me of course thinks would make everything else okay too. My sister and the kids would be away from Joe, drama would simmer down, she'd be encouraged to seek out counseling too, and we could actually be a FAMILY. Maybe someday she'd even talk to my dad again. And then the credits would roll--the screen fading out on my sister & brother hugging as the audience wipes the tears from their eyes & la de freaking da.
Too bad that never happened. And maybe/probably never will. Too bad I don't even get the version where my mom still goes down the highway to hell, but my sister at least pulls away & WE get to make up our own family unit as siblings, the two of us recovering & going to counseling and becoming normal adults. Nope. Don't get that either.
I don't really get anything. And maybe half my family would say "good, you don't deserve to. That's your choice." if they heard that. It's like a lose/lose situation. I'm determined to get out & they're determined to stay put. All of us will suffer for it.
That's just kind of how I feel right now.
I know in time that my route is the one that promises the least amount of pain. It's the rational, healthy road. It's just that in the meantime, there's a lot of daily nightmares when I hit the sack. Makes things hard to navigate.
Oh, and did I mention my mom is on YouTube, singing songs? And has one of her singing a song behind a picture of me? Yeah. There's also one of her singing to a teddy bear (verrrry WTF. Her voice is all childlike as she talks to it, but she's singing all seductive-like. What the helllll). It's too embarassing to link to (and I don't want to look them up for fear that there'll be new vids that are worse--the ones I already saw were weird, but not horrible. I'm staying away before that potentially changes), but I just had to mention it. I've known about it for months, but only finally watched them after she included a link in her emails the night of the police brouhaha. My favorite parts though were one where she just sits & stares into the camera, doing nothing (ha), and then another where she walks off, calling the camera "stupid." Finally, the real her!
They're a bit depressing as well though, because she actually has a good voice--though it's obvious she would've been better if she hadn't smoked all these years, and if she'd ever had voice training--so it's like, "you know. . .if you hadn't wasted your life, you could've had potential. Please stop reminding me of that."
I mean, really, when I was little, she acted in plays, she was signed with a modeling agency, she did a commercial. She used to do russian dancing for my friends all over the apartment. She won a gold medal in the junior olympics as a teenager (before she, y'know, slit her wrists on the side of the road at 16, my dad standing nearby, watching in horror. Before acid, before drinking, before uppers, before downers, before DUIs, before psych wards, before everything. Things change). She could've become something other than what she is now. It's just sad.
I think I'm gonna spend a few hours now watching TV, but what to watch? I'm feeling a strange & utter random urge to watch Sex & the City. I think it's *just* light & fluffy enough to fit the bill. I need something cracky right now.
For my Vid of the Day though, I'm gonna go with something totally different. Remember when I used to talk about Dollhouse on here all the time? Let's bring it back for a moment. THEY MADE THEIR OWN FANVID FOR IT, Y'ALL. How have I never seen this before?!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 01:10 pm (UTC)Re: the dream. I'm sorry a potentially hilarious vacation dream went so off. Maybe a small comfort, dreams are hugely important in dealing with issues. They are some sort of mental recuperation and while they can be terrible and seem to suck energy, they're actually your subconscious dealing with everything that's going on. So, they're good, even if they're bad.
And by the by, yes, traffic here will surely seem like a nightmare in comparison to the traffic in Portland. We don't match the Italians by far, but still... In Vancouver, a big city after all, I was amazed by the relaxed traffic. Oh, the West Coast attitude, so foreign to me.
Also, because we are a country that has been in a political crisis for over 3 years now, the government actually does crank out promo vids on a regular basis, like this one, and this rather funny one aimed at the always self-deprecating and heavily put-upon Belgians themselves. I may now have ensured further dreaming about Belgium, for which I am sorry.
Also, weirdly enough, I had already seen that Dollhouse vid - I thought I had to have seen it on your LJ. Youtube vids = Rachael in my mind, apparently.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 12:32 am (UTC)they're actually your subconscious dealing with everything that's going on
I suppose at least it means I'm letting myself think about/feel things to some degree, even if I don't notice it right away.
Ha, those vids! If you need some Americans to come over & teach you overly-enthusiastic patriotism, I know a few.
P.S. OMG THOSE WAFFLES. WHEN CAN I COME OVER?
Youtube vids = Rachael in my mind, apparently.
Hmmm, I have no idea why! Hee.