Lay down your burden, soldier

[rachg82]

All right, here's the deal: it's slappin' time.

No, not literally. Figuratively.



It's January 13th, it's a new year, and I got up at 5 pm today. Yes, I was up sick last night, unable to sleep. I went to bed at 10:30 pm, woke up at 1 am, barfytimes ensued, and I sat up until 5 am cursing the heavens. Even so, it's not like I've been getting up at the crack of dawn before this. It's not like I've been treating my body very well. Maybe if I had, it wouldn't fall apart like this so easily. I could hardly make it to the store & back last night; I felt like I was going to have a panic attack or pass out. My heart was racing, everything was too loud, I felt like I couldn't breathe any clean air (there's always someone nearby smoking or a car blowing out its exhaust fumes at the intersection), and nothing felt steady.

This is not the way to take care of oneself. I have acid reflux--yet I went days without prilosec. I let my stomach sit so empty that, when it finally got full, it freaked. I know I'm anemic, yet I let myself go two days on nothing but a bowl of ramen noodles while on my period. I know that when I sit inside for too long, when I don't keep myself desensitized to being out--stay used to it, in other words--it's going to hit me harder as a result, especially if I go out at rush-hour. Yet I set myself up to fall into that exact trap. I know taking walks, attending ACA meetings, eating right, etc, will help me manage my stress, and I know managing stress = helping my immune system, which tends to lean towards fail when left to its own devices. Yet I haven't been doing any of those things. How is that rational? It's not. It's like I think I can just treat myself like utter crap & then force myself through the consequences with no problem by sheer will.

Now, seeing as how 5brokenfingers had a talk with me recently about not being so hard on myself, and seeing as how I then had a talk with her about the exact same thing (heh. Seems everyone needs that talk sometimes), let's address this without insulting myself or using overly harsh words. Like, I won't say "Get your stupid ass in the shower, Rachael, and stop being lazy." That's not helpful. Or at least it's not very nice, anyway, and certainly not as productive in the long run.

So, how to gently turn this around? Knowing I can't afford therapy right now? Here are a few ideas:

1. You know the resolution to attend at least one ACA meeting a month? Scratch that. If I don't have plans already, I will attend one per week (on Saturdays). I need help getting myself out of my apartment on a regular basis (for a longer period of time than simply walking to get food), at least while I'm unemployed. When I get a job again, I can decide if I want it to be once/month again.

2. On Tuesdays & Thursdays, I will take a walk.

3. On Sundays, I will clean.

4. Every other day, I will shower.

5. On Mondays, I will go to the grocery store.

6. On Wednesdays, I will look for work. (obviously I can look for work other times too, but this is my scheduled day)

7. I will eat at least twice per day, no exceptions. Even if one meal is only a bowl of cereal, that's still something. K-Mart is only next door; there's no reason I can't have milk & cereal on hand. And if I'm going to the actual grocery store once a week, there's no reason I can't have either that or a peanut butter sandwich for lunch.

I'm going to write this all down, like a calendar, & hang it up on my fridge. Once I get the hang of it, I'll go back to focusing on my first list of resolutions, which were more general. Right now I really need something specific and organized. It's time to stop giving up & letting go, which is what I've been doing. Not officially, because I'd agreed to keep living (at least through the end of the month, and I hadn't admitted how difficult that was becoming), but unofficially--yes. Sometimes depression becomes all about the slow death. And it ain't pretty.

When I was younger, I used to listen to "Sweet Justice" by Jill Scott, and the words "Fight, fight, fight, fight, never surrender" kept me going. I've got to drill those lyrics into my head again, because I desperately need the help to pull me out of this mud. It's like the horse in the swamp in The Neverending Story, all over again. And I really don't want to be that freaking horse anymore. Giddy up, giddy up, LET'S GO, yo. I'm tired of feeling this way, and I damned well don't want to be playing a role in helping it along if I can help it. (though, okay, I know I'm blurring the line there again towards being harsh on myself. But sometimes, one does need a slap, if only a gentle one)

Again, no promises--when it comes to my mood that is. But as I wrote before, behavior frequently precedes mood. I have a schedule written out here & we're gonna see how well I can perform with it. If it needs to be modified, fine. If it doesn't affect anything, okay. But it's at least a start. Depressed or not, I have to take care of myself. I can't just let myself drown. I wrote to ladysophiekitty today that you can't promise someone "things will get better", but you can say they *might* get better, and that change for sure always comes, one way or another, bad or good. But it can't come if you're just sitting in your apartment 24/7, wasting away. You've got to at least eat, go places, and sometimes see people. You've got to live.

For my Vid of the Day, I'd like to share one of my favorite spoken word poems, by Jill Scott. It's paired up here with an excellent video (by mrsmcmillen), and though it's obviously geared towards African American women (beautifully so, if I may say), I think it's something every woman should watch, regardless of ethnic/cultural background. We are, as she says, "saturated with self-hatred" by our society, and we so often don't even realize it.

"Randomness with Rachael" (Watch on YouTube)

Comments

[sonneta.livejournal.com]

YOU CAN DOOO IIIIT!

I think the specific goals are good, because they're very concrete. It's doable. You're a survivor! You're not gonna give up! (what) You're a survivor! Keep on survivin'! (/Destiny's Child Pep-talk)

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

I think specific goals are good too, so long as they aren't too confining. They comfort me somehow. I think once I'm back to having a semblance of stability & confidence in myself, not to mention a consistent blood sugar level, it'll be easier to start opening myself up to other things too, like maybe yoga, etc. At the very least, I'll have a clearer head and less stress. Always a plus when one is depressed & trying to recover from painful trauma, which I still am, obviously.

[torigates.livejournal.com]

You can do it! Specific resolutions like that often work for me. The most important thing (for me at least) is not getting into a rut if you have a bad day. Like if you miss taking a walk one day, still do it on your next scheduled day, and don't feel to badly about it! I believe in you!