Coffee black & egg white
Feb. 7th, 2011 11:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82Writing is supposed to help when one is overwhelmed, right? So, I'm here. I feel bad for it though, so please feel free to just ignore this post if it's…I don't know. Whatever.
I want to think I'm fine, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I kind of think I'm not. I feel like August again. Like September. Like I'm sliding, falling. I look at the time & it's hard to breathe. There's too much time left. I've already wasted too much.
I want to snap out of this, because I was improving--hence the "but I'm really fine; I'll be okay. This is just a temporary setback. I'm probably about to start my period"--but I'm not sure how. I'm hoping I will, but I don't know. I'm scared I won't. My thoughts aren't providing much motivation.
Little things shouldn't knock me down. But I was already depressed. How much loss can one person handle within a twelve month period? How many times can people who say they care pull off a mask & reveal cruelty? I feel browbeaten & shellshocked.
I wrote (on paper--like ye olde days) earlier tonight to try to deal.
(They pushed it down without seeming to;
an open invitation to pain)
A hanging ache in my chest,
claws up my skin.
Stillness. Piano keys moving.
No light to be seen.
I want to go back to sleep.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
It hurts,
but it doesn't.
It can't reach my head.
My brain is on fire.
I'm hanging out the window,
waving to the rescuers,
preparing to jump.
Figures flying,
papers in the wind;
no one deserved that.
Last-minute phone calls: goodbye.
What am I saying?
Where am I going?
I dreamt of the water--did I drown?
It's cold here.
My eyes are open. They see too much.
They see Nothing at all.
Fuzzy and halting,
the room sits too close.
There is there;
here is here.
What is left to see?
My eyes will always
be
mine.
There is no escape
from the
truth.
But these are lies.
Pretty, ugly lies.
Like my life.
Like me.
I don't know anymore.
I hope. I try. I fall.
I stand up.
Head to the sky, nails pinching.
It doesn't hurt; it stops the hurt.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
You're okay.
We're all okay.
(I'm not okay)
(I don't know if I ever will be)
(I want so badly to believe I can be)
I keep going.
Maybe the fall will defy the laws of physics.
Maybe I'll stop fucking it all up someday.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.
I want to stop.
I want to stop wanting to stop.
Want my brain to leave me alone.
Want things to be right.
Want me to be right.
Want to stop thinking.
Want to be dead…just for a while.
Sweet dreams. Good morning. Let's start again.
No more thoughts. No more feeling. Wash it away.
Make it stop.
I still want to be me.
I don't want this.
Where is the exit?
Fuck this.
Fuck me.
Fuck everything.
I need to be better.
Now. Not tomorrow.
Not next week.
Now.
This is embarassing.
Crazy.
Pathetic.
Worthless.
A drain on others, on the world.
I don't like myself.
Don't like this.
Nothing is simple.
Why can't it be simple?
---
That's that. I'm trying. I know rationally that this was a big blow, after months of many big blows. I guess it's "okay" to be extra depressed right now, especially considering I…you know…already was. My resolutions have totally crumbled. But hey, no significant SI. I'm alive. Points for effort. I think going a while not hearing from my family would help, assuming that can be managed. I still can't even hear a car door shut outside without tensing up. I need some peace. If I can try, little by little, to get my place cleaned up, and get my resolutions back in gear--not all at once, but just day by day, gradually--I should get there. I'll be okay. It's all right that I'm struggling for now though, right? It doesn't make me even worse of a person?
That last sentence made me tear up, even if nothing came out. Well, I guess I'm starting to feel it? Writing did help after all. Yay for that.
I would like to try to keep this thing balanced though. I don't like being all doom & gloom 24/7. It's not my way. So, in the interest of making room for light amongst the darkness, let's talk about Bones this week (and by "this" week, I mean last week. You know what I mean).
I didn't take notes (I really need to get back in the habit of that), and I haven't watched it since Thursday, so you'll have to bear with me. Even so, I'll try to remember what I thought:
-Booth seems much friendlier to everyone again now. When it started raining at the crime scene, he actually cracked snarky (but not bitchfacey!) jokes without really seeming irritated. (i.e. He didn't actually walk away. He just stood there, knowing he'd get soaked with the rest of them.)
Also, when Cam asked for his advice, there was zero "Oh, no! I am not getting involved!"-type shit. He smiled & let her talk.
Good on ya, Booth.
-He really needs to get out more though. Dude. I will at least give credit to Sweets for qualifying his statement on open relationships by saying they don't "necessarily" work, but it would've been nice for him to add "though of course some can, and do, for sustained periods of time." Whatever.
-Bones' statements on polygamy/polyamory throughout had me roaring, particularly in the car. SHE IS MY FUCKING HOMEGIRL. FO' LIFE. I love how she acknowledges that our own social mores make poly relationships more complicated, and thus possibly less advantageous than in other places where it's the expected norm; however, that doesn't mean polyamory in general is somehow a flawed system for all people. It just means this guy was a bit of a "nitwit" for applying it in the manner/time/place he did, especially since he broke the rules & cheated (he's just lucky he didn't live in a polygynous culture like the Yanomamo. He might've gotten his ass busted wide open by an ax handle for an offense like that. Actually, probably much worse, really, considering that fight started over plantains. Can't say I blame them though--plantains are fuckin' good). P.S. I loved her laughing at "nitwit." Heh. Seeing them laugh *together* was even better though. They're becoming friends again, guys. I think a round of applause is in order for that.
-Also: HART HANSON, GET OUT OF MY BRAIN. I wanted to allude to open relationships & wrote Hannah/Booth the way I did because I do believe you can love more than one person in your life while still leaving the possibility open for loving one person the most. Then he went & had Booth say what he did. I think he's planted an X-Filey chip in my brain.
(I also wrote it because it created--in my opinion--another simple reason for why Hannah didn't react more jealously/possessively. Which didn't *need* explaining really, in my opinion, but so many others seemed to be confused by it. So.)
-Cam: delightful. Completely & utterly. Did I call it with the Alice in Wonderland reference or what? Total White Rabbit. Scurrying around--literally late for a very important date. I'm so glad they're finally giving her more screentime. I'd like to get to know more about her.
-I like how Wendell seems to still not have forgotten that time he thought Brennan was hitting on him. She's like the teacher that calls him to the chalkboard & is all, "Mr. Wendell, why are you bringing your book with you? Leave it at your desk." "Um, I'm sorry, ma'am. I just need it. *class snickers*" "…Oh."
Except if Brennan were really his teacher, the "Oh" would be followed by, "Erections are extremely common amongst adolescent males. I understand your predicament. You may sit back down." Then she'd call someone else, totally oblivious to his BRIGHT RED FACE.
Oh, Brennan.
-I can't believe they made the sister-wives sisters. All you can do is laugh.
-Hodgins is still adorable.
-Paul/Cam. I ship it. I enjoy that he told her what he bought for her before she'd even opened it. Hee. The second time he said it (he told her twice!), I would've been like, "So what you're saying is…it's a scarf." Just to screw with him. Then I would've shaken the box around in the air & listened to it all dramatically before crying, eyes wide, "A PONY?"
Then, upon seeing it was indeed a scarf, I'd glare, stand up, and say, "I was to understand there would be pie & punch involved in this little affair. Good day to you, sir. GOOD DAY."
And, if after all that? He understood/figured out WTF I was talking about, and still wanted me? I would know we were a match.
-Of course Bones ended up taking over the ballistics at the end. The "Soooo I can shoot them" opener is still pretty much my favorite scene of the series. It is bantering at its best. I miss the non-stop jokes about Brennan wanting a gun back in season 1 and 2. She so wants to be Bonnie to Booth's Clyde.
-Speaking of Booth, we'll leave off with the final scene: welcome back, eye-sex. Please stay forever. Also? Holla at ya', Brennan's smile. I've missed you too.
Thank God for Bones, y'all. It is really a huge part of what's keeping me going right now. It's giving me a reason to make jokes & be happy. Thursday is only a few days away. Hannah is soon to be gone (I expect. I don't actually know. I'm unspoiled after a certain point). B/B are coming back. These are good things.
For my Vid of the Day, I'll cheer myself up with one of my favorite, favorite movies. This is by Alias4557:
I want to think I'm fine, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I kind of think I'm not. I feel like August again. Like September. Like I'm sliding, falling. I look at the time & it's hard to breathe. There's too much time left. I've already wasted too much.
I want to snap out of this, because I was improving--hence the "but I'm really fine; I'll be okay. This is just a temporary setback. I'm probably about to start my period"--but I'm not sure how. I'm hoping I will, but I don't know. I'm scared I won't. My thoughts aren't providing much motivation.
Little things shouldn't knock me down. But I was already depressed. How much loss can one person handle within a twelve month period? How many times can people who say they care pull off a mask & reveal cruelty? I feel browbeaten & shellshocked.
I wrote (on paper--like ye olde days) earlier tonight to try to deal.
(They pushed it down without seeming to;
an open invitation to pain)
A hanging ache in my chest,
claws up my skin.
Stillness. Piano keys moving.
No light to be seen.
I want to go back to sleep.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
It hurts,
but it doesn't.
It can't reach my head.
My brain is on fire.
I'm hanging out the window,
waving to the rescuers,
preparing to jump.
Figures flying,
papers in the wind;
no one deserved that.
Last-minute phone calls: goodbye.
What am I saying?
Where am I going?
I dreamt of the water--did I drown?
It's cold here.
My eyes are open. They see too much.
They see Nothing at all.
Fuzzy and halting,
the room sits too close.
There is there;
here is here.
What is left to see?
My eyes will always
be
mine.
There is no escape
from the
truth.
But these are lies.
Pretty, ugly lies.
Like my life.
Like me.
I don't know anymore.
I hope. I try. I fall.
I stand up.
Head to the sky, nails pinching.
It doesn't hurt; it stops the hurt.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
You're okay.
We're all okay.
(I'm not okay)
(I don't know if I ever will be)
(I want so badly to believe I can be)
I keep going.
Maybe the fall will defy the laws of physics.
Maybe I'll stop fucking it all up someday.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.
I want to stop.
I want to stop wanting to stop.
Want my brain to leave me alone.
Want things to be right.
Want me to be right.
Want to stop thinking.
Want to be dead…just for a while.
Sweet dreams. Good morning. Let's start again.
No more thoughts. No more feeling. Wash it away.
Make it stop.
I still want to be me.
I don't want this.
Where is the exit?
Fuck this.
Fuck me.
Fuck everything.
I need to be better.
Now. Not tomorrow.
Not next week.
Now.
This is embarassing.
Crazy.
Pathetic.
Worthless.
A drain on others, on the world.
I don't like myself.
Don't like this.
Nothing is simple.
Why can't it be simple?
---
That's that. I'm trying. I know rationally that this was a big blow, after months of many big blows. I guess it's "okay" to be extra depressed right now, especially considering I…you know…already was. My resolutions have totally crumbled. But hey, no significant SI. I'm alive. Points for effort. I think going a while not hearing from my family would help, assuming that can be managed. I still can't even hear a car door shut outside without tensing up. I need some peace. If I can try, little by little, to get my place cleaned up, and get my resolutions back in gear--not all at once, but just day by day, gradually--I should get there. I'll be okay. It's all right that I'm struggling for now though, right? It doesn't make me even worse of a person?
That last sentence made me tear up, even if nothing came out. Well, I guess I'm starting to feel it? Writing did help after all. Yay for that.
I would like to try to keep this thing balanced though. I don't like being all doom & gloom 24/7. It's not my way. So, in the interest of making room for light amongst the darkness, let's talk about Bones this week (and by "this" week, I mean last week. You know what I mean).
I didn't take notes (I really need to get back in the habit of that), and I haven't watched it since Thursday, so you'll have to bear with me. Even so, I'll try to remember what I thought:
-Booth seems much friendlier to everyone again now. When it started raining at the crime scene, he actually cracked snarky (but not bitchfacey!) jokes without really seeming irritated. (i.e. He didn't actually walk away. He just stood there, knowing he'd get soaked with the rest of them.)
Also, when Cam asked for his advice, there was zero "Oh, no! I am not getting involved!"-type shit. He smiled & let her talk.
Good on ya, Booth.
-He really needs to get out more though. Dude. I will at least give credit to Sweets for qualifying his statement on open relationships by saying they don't "necessarily" work, but it would've been nice for him to add "though of course some can, and do, for sustained periods of time." Whatever.
-Bones' statements on polygamy/polyamory throughout had me roaring, particularly in the car. SHE IS MY FUCKING HOMEGIRL. FO' LIFE. I love how she acknowledges that our own social mores make poly relationships more complicated, and thus possibly less advantageous than in other places where it's the expected norm; however, that doesn't mean polyamory in general is somehow a flawed system for all people. It just means this guy was a bit of a "nitwit" for applying it in the manner/time/place he did, especially since he broke the rules & cheated (he's just lucky he didn't live in a polygynous culture like the Yanomamo. He might've gotten his ass busted wide open by an ax handle for an offense like that. Actually, probably much worse, really, considering that fight started over plantains. Can't say I blame them though--plantains are fuckin' good). P.S. I loved her laughing at "nitwit." Heh. Seeing them laugh *together* was even better though. They're becoming friends again, guys. I think a round of applause is in order for that.
-Also: HART HANSON, GET OUT OF MY BRAIN. I wanted to allude to open relationships & wrote Hannah/Booth the way I did because I do believe you can love more than one person in your life while still leaving the possibility open for loving one person the most. Then he went & had Booth say what he did. I think he's planted an X-Filey chip in my brain.
(I also wrote it because it created--in my opinion--another simple reason for why Hannah didn't react more jealously/possessively. Which didn't *need* explaining really, in my opinion, but so many others seemed to be confused by it. So.)
-Cam: delightful. Completely & utterly. Did I call it with the Alice in Wonderland reference or what? Total White Rabbit. Scurrying around--literally late for a very important date. I'm so glad they're finally giving her more screentime. I'd like to get to know more about her.
-I like how Wendell seems to still not have forgotten that time he thought Brennan was hitting on him. She's like the teacher that calls him to the chalkboard & is all, "Mr. Wendell, why are you bringing your book with you? Leave it at your desk." "Um, I'm sorry, ma'am. I just need it. *class snickers*" "…Oh."
Except if Brennan were really his teacher, the "Oh" would be followed by, "Erections are extremely common amongst adolescent males. I understand your predicament. You may sit back down." Then she'd call someone else, totally oblivious to his BRIGHT RED FACE.
Oh, Brennan.
-I can't believe they made the sister-wives sisters. All you can do is laugh.
-Hodgins is still adorable.
-Paul/Cam. I ship it. I enjoy that he told her what he bought for her before she'd even opened it. Hee. The second time he said it (he told her twice!), I would've been like, "So what you're saying is…it's a scarf." Just to screw with him. Then I would've shaken the box around in the air & listened to it all dramatically before crying, eyes wide, "A PONY?"
Then, upon seeing it was indeed a scarf, I'd glare, stand up, and say, "I was to understand there would be pie & punch involved in this little affair. Good day to you, sir. GOOD DAY."
And, if after all that? He understood/figured out WTF I was talking about, and still wanted me? I would know we were a match.
-Of course Bones ended up taking over the ballistics at the end. The "Soooo I can shoot them" opener is still pretty much my favorite scene of the series. It is bantering at its best. I miss the non-stop jokes about Brennan wanting a gun back in season 1 and 2. She so wants to be Bonnie to Booth's Clyde.
-Speaking of Booth, we'll leave off with the final scene: welcome back, eye-sex. Please stay forever. Also? Holla at ya', Brennan's smile. I've missed you too.
Thank God for Bones, y'all. It is really a huge part of what's keeping me going right now. It's giving me a reason to make jokes & be happy. Thursday is only a few days away. Hannah is soon to be gone (I expect. I don't actually know. I'm unspoiled after a certain point). B/B are coming back. These are good things.
For my Vid of the Day, I'll cheer myself up with one of my favorite, favorite movies. This is by Alias4557:
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-13 03:13 am (UTC)Do you know what I mean? It reminds me too much of how my grandma used to say, "Hopefully someday you'll be mature enough to not let your mother affect you." The wording & implication hurts me, even though I *know* that's not your intention. I know that.
I'm REALLY sensitive at the moment though. So, don't worry about it, seriously. I think it'd probably be easier for me right now to not try to make sense of the whole thing any more for a little bit. I need a break from rationalizing. The feelings are too raw.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-13 03:19 am (UTC)Also I'm on chat if you want to talk about random non-sensitive things. Like Harry Potter audiobooks.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-02-13 04:21 am (UTC)I know. It's so hard, coming from an ACA home. Even when you're trying to recover, it's STILL IN YOU. Infecting your most well-intentioned thoughts, messing with you. I understand.
Like Harry Potter audiobooks
Hee. ♥ I'll sign on in a sec.