My words will be your light
Feb. 20th, 2011 05:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82Ahhh, why must my tummy hurt so very badly? Ever since last night. NOT COOL, stomach. I try to put food in you--a novel concept--and this is the thanks I get?
It BURNS. Like holy water in a demon's ass.
All right, I'm done complaining now.
I actually have a couple positive things to post about. Oh, my life is still full of suck, don't worry (I've got my bases covered; I'm thorough like that), but at least this weekend has given me some brightness to share.
Number one: Kevin (one-half of Jevin, a.k.a. Jen & Kevin) went into rehab for his drinking. He did it of his own volition, jumped through hoops to find a county-funded place that would take him in when he couldn't pay, and I couldn't possibly be prouder of him as a friend for doing it. As I told Jen last night, I'd like to send him an envelope of confetti.
Recovery is not easy & rehab isn't like some contract that guarantees a relapse-free future (far from it), but the first step is where it begins. Taking a step like going into a treatment program--not doing some half assed "I'll quit on my own!"-type shit--THAT means something. Action; not words, not plans. Puttin' your money where your mouth is. Rock on, dude. After everything with my mom over the last year (not even touching on anything else--her previous issues with addiction, my dad's alcoholism, my old best friend Kim's heroin addiction, my brother in law's alcoholism, and so on), it's just nice to be given good news in regards to something like this for once.
Plus it means I can actually talk to him again if I call over there (I'd pretty much stopped, due to the drinking). If it sticks, I'll have a friend back, and I'll feel better about the home that my best friend (Jen) is living in too. That would make me happy.
Speaking of Jen (also known as![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dosidella), that brings me to #2: we FINALLY got to chat online last night for the first time in, like, years. Moreover, the last time we talked on the phone was probably late in the Fall (depression issues + time zone issues + social anxiety issues = phone fail). We've emailed since then, don't get me wrong, but it's just not the same. It's too sporadic & not remotely as conducive to crack.
The result? We talked for eight and a half hours.
No, seriously.
We enjoy the use of WORDS.
Haha.
And because our chat ended up being fucking hilarious (what cross-country eight and a half hour long IM conversation in the middle of the night ISN'T?), I'll share my favorite excerpts here now for posterity/shared amusement. That's how we Montell Jordan 'round these parts.
This is long, but worth it for the Flying Vagina Rugs alone. Trust me.
---
permockable: OH
chrome is google's browser heh
i keep typing "bowser," btw
me: now, if bowser is your browser, that might be your problem right there. he'd keep trying to kidnap you & throw fireballs & it'd be a whole big thing
permockable: it would make the internet way more exciting
me: i'd prefer that over viruses. "damn! i just slipped on a banana peel!"
permockable: also i really want to play mario right now
me: for serious. the rainbow road or ghost house levels, especially
permockable: OMG GHOST HOUSE
me: my fave was always the ones with the giant ghost who'd try to creep on you all ~obvious~
permockable: he thought he was being sneaky but he was, like, taking up half the screen. and he was just all, "what? i covered my eyes, you can't see me!"
me: and then you'd turn around & he'd be like "ahaha, THE DAY IS MINE!"
permockable: he was so CUTE though
me: right? i sort of wanted to be his bestie
permockable: i know, really. if i had a huge ghost guy, we could hang out and eat ice cream, and i'd push him on the swings, and then we'd go haunt people
me: except he's giant, so on his way back down on the swings, he'd totally send you flying back. and it'd be like one of those funny sitcom moments. "Oh, ghostie!"
permockable: meanwhile, in my mind, this is all a musical montage to "happy together"
me: hahahaha.
and then going haunting together, he'd be the most CONSPICUOUS ghost ever
he'd try to move objects around the room & scare people, and they'd just sit there all bored, like, "dude, we see you. we know it's you. just come over & watch TV with us."
and he'd like knock lamps over accidentally & shit, because he's so big. "my bad!"
permockable: it would be awesome
oh, giant ghost
me: with your converse shoes! (he's wearing chucks)
permockable: that...makes a lot of sense
me: he sort of turned into the modern playstation version of pac-man somewhere along the way for me
permockable: i don't know what that means
me: win
please tell me you made a scrunchy face when you typed that
permockable: pretty much
me: then my work here is complete
. . .
me: what "pain" thing?
permockable: playing chords on the guitar? the whole fingers-bleeding issue?
me: your skin gets tough! it happens with violin too
i used to get blisters
permockable: i never got blisters! wtf. we had to learn guitar in 7th grade music, and i left the class in tears every day, even after 6 months.
i feel robbed
me: i had blisters one night on every finger of my left hand after a performance
i felt like a fucking soldier
haha
permockable: who can i write to to complain about my lack of blisters?
me: the international music department of friction
permockable: that sounds dirty
me: mmm-hmmm
ain't nothin' wrong with a little bump & grind
permockable: true
my cats are evil, have i mentioned?
me: do they work for the dept of friction?
permockable: they say no, but does the dept of friction employe spies?
i don't know where that extra e came from
my typing is off tonight
me: the extra 'e' was a spy. and yes. they also employ balloons. y'know, for the friction.
permockable: that's pretty scandalous
me: or static. whatever
permockable: let's all rub balloons on our heads then
me: ready? aaaaand go
since it's the music dept, we should play that balloon song
permockable: what is the balloon song?
me: 99 something-something balloons?
permockable: ohhh, red
i thought you meant a song that was like, "balloons, balloons, fa la la la la, dee da, balloons, balloons"
me: you should know me better than that. i have a song for everything.
it was that or the winnie the pooh song, where he floats up to the honey tree with the balloon. that's more of a stretch though
permockable: heh but that's much cuter
me: and that way we could cover ourselves in mud
tut tut
permockable: aww
. . .
permockable: yeah, i know what you mean. luckily i've not had much problem with that
me: that's because you're using a bowser browser
permockable: that's probably true
must be all the fire and suchlike. the video daren't dawdle
me: ooh, "daren't"
permockable: yes. it's classy-talk
me: someone's been eating her wheaties
permockable: haha
i have been eating off-brand cheerio's, thank you very much
me: only the most top of the line breakfast food for you
permockable: well i have soy milk, OK? like...so there
me: you hippie
permockable: if by "hippie" you mean "person who can't stand the taste of dairy milk," then yes, i am a hippie
me: it's because you lived in portlandia so long
permockable: yep. that must be why. i was so indoctrinated that i actually went back in time and made my past self drink soy milk for years before i even moved there. it's some kinda evil plan or somethin'
me: exactly. a rip in the time-space continuum.
that's how we roll
permockable: it's an evil plot...
...TO MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD DRINK SOY MILK
THE UNIVERSE WILL PAY
me: WE HATE COWS
permockable: DOWN WITH COWS
. . .
me: "does it taste like coffee?" "yep, hence the name." "then i say GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR."
permockable: exactly
buuuuuuuuut i had a chai tea milkshake at lunch, and it was AWESOME. way better than this coffee nonsense.
me: haven't you ever had chai tea before?
permockable: sure but not in a milkshake
me: i imagine it would be awesome
did it bring all the boys to the yard?
permockable: not all of them. very sad
me: some were lactose intolerant? or working for the soy compaign?
permockable: i think that was the problem, yes.
me: DAMN YOU, PORTLANDIA
permockable: KEEPIN THE BOYS FROM THE YARD
me: that yard needs to be mowed!
permockable: I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO CAPSLOCK ABOUT
me: wait, is "yard" slang for her cha cha?
permockable: i hope not.
me: maybe she needs to mow it
permockable: this conversation got weird
me: doesn't it always?
permockable: I WAS INNOCENTLY TALKING ABOUT MY CHAI TEA MILKSHAKE AND ITS AWESOME, OKAY?
me: you do know the song i'm talking about, right?
permockable: yes
me: just makin' sure, hee
permockable: but then you're all like, "(SPOILER ALERT) ............... THE YARD IS HER VAGINA!!!"
me: BUT IT TOTALLY IS
permockable: OR MAYBE IT IS JUST A NICE COURTYARD WITH A BENCH AND SOME LOVELY TREES. HOW ABOUT THAT.
me: SURE, AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT COURTYARD IS. . .
HER VAGINA
permockable: IS HER VAGINA SITTING ON THE BENCH, JUST WONDERING
me: no, it's climbing the tree
it wants to fly. a whole new wooooorld
permockable: that's not fair because i don't remember any of the lyrics to that song.
me: SHINING, SHIMMERING SPLENDOR
permockable: SOMETHING SOMETHING SURRENDER
me: a flying CARPET, jen. her RUG.
permockable: OMG
me: what is my brain?
permockable: answer: awesome
i started typing a sentence and halfway through i noticed it made no sense
me: like anything we've been talking about does? haha
permockable: you know, whenever i talk to you, i end up getting hyper
me: i have that effect on people. y'know, this might come close to tying Masturbation Man for me. flying vagina rugs.
permockable: does the flying vagina rug have teeth, though?
me: retractable teeth
permockable: that is spectacular
me: it's off to see the seven wonders of the world. it damn well ought to be
permockable: oh, the wacky adventures of flying vagina rug
me: it passes out milkshakes to the children
teaches them about crabs
the real ones
permockable: hmmm
me: the ones in the ocean
permockable: well, sure
as flying vagina rugs do
me: it's age-appropriate like that
it also speaks in a british accent
but a fake one, like Mrs. Doubtfire
or the giant clit in the South Park movie
permockable: wow, i forgot all about mrs. doubtfire.
i used to have that on vhs
me: The Traveling Vagina Rug didn't
permockable: does the vagina rug have a theme song?
me: "my neck, my beck" by khia
*back
not beck
permockable: oh good, cause i was worried there for a minute
me: beck petitioned to be involved, but failed
permockable: i actually thought glenn beck at first and that was pretty much the grossest thing ever
me: ahhhhh
noooo
he's like a ken doll. anatomically incorrect. automatically disqualified
permockable: yeah, i don't think glenn beck would ever fight crime with a flying vagina rug. even if he wanted to, i'm pretty sure there's an organization that exists solely for the purpose of stopping him
me: the retractable teeth would decapitate him like a praying mantis. problem solved. we could then name a national holiday in honor of the flying vagina
permockable: most excellent
me: "No school today, Ma! I LOVE VAGINA!"
permockable: TODAY IS VAGINA DAY. LET US SING.
me: "WE SHALL BUY THE WORLD A COKE IN HONOR OF VAGINA!"
. . .
permockable: so weird
but the funniest part of my dream last night was, we were all leaving for a camping trip, and while we were heading to the car, i stopped and was like, "WAIT, GUYS! MAKE SURE YOU HAVE TAMPONS!" and starting throwing some to everyone
me: hee. was it like that scene in "carrie"?
permockable: haha, not quite. I was just like, "YOU MIGHT GET YOUR PERIOD WHILE WE"RE IN THE WOODS! WHAT THEN?!"
me: you come prepared
permockable: yeah. and it was a good thing my dream-self kept a box of tampons in the mailbox
me: maybe the flying vagina sent you a care package
permockable: that is probably it. the flying vagina is generous like that
me: it totally is. when you get your first period, it leaves a tampon under your pillow
permockable: that is so sweet
me: and disturbing. who gave it a key?
permockable: well who gave the tooth fairy a key? at least we KNOW how santa breaks in
me: i always thought that was effed up
permockable: haha me too actually
me: especially since i lived in an apt with no chimney
permockable: ohhhh
yeah that would sort of off
*be
me: i was like, "Number one, your Santa Clause is a house-breaker-inner. Number two, your story has obvious plotholes."
permockable: hee
i always just enjoyed leaving food for the reindeers. i was like, "screw this santa claus chap."
me: were you smoking a pipe at the time?
permockable: a corncob pipe
me: fantastic
. . .
permockable: i spent my day hanging out with jo's daughter, grocery shopping, clipping the dog's nails, and chatting online. THIS IS HOW WE ROCK AND ROLL BABY.
me: you should totally start singing that "this is how we do it" song now
permockable: well thank you so much for getting that stuck in my head
me: that's what i'm here for
permockable: and i barely know the words, so it's all "mumble mumble mumble"
me: the party's here on the west side
permockable: that was not an invitation to remind me of the lyrics
i must play some music now
me: hee
it's all good in my hood tonight!
. . .
me: i wish people were busier on lj this week though, since i'm used to wasting more time on failbook
permockable: aww
yeah i haven't updated my lj in a long time again. oops
me: get on that. chop chop
permockable: i don't even know what to post about
me: TV & your novel & what-not. flying vaginas
permockable: well, when you put it like that...
hmm, i've never really talked about tv in my LJ. interesting
me: welcome to fandom.
permockable: i am scared of fandom
me: we have cookies
permockable: cookies of evil, maybe
me: they're made of soy
permockable: I KNEW IT
. . .
permockable: they've been going bankrupt for a couple years now, mainly cause no one uses public transit unless they have to, because the service is crappy. so apparently the solution is to...cut service and raise prices! a truly brilliant plan
me: sounds like they need to raise money from a different source
SOY MILK
permockable: or the fucking city needs to cough up some funding
and then they need to use that to put in a fucking lightrail
or soy milk works, too
me: it's sad how much that made me laugh
permockable: ha
me: the lightrail can run on soy
permockable: THAT"S HOW WE DO
that wasn't supposed to be a quotation mark
me: just ask montell jordan
permockable: stopitstopitstopitstopit
me: he also enjoys the occasional glass of cool rice milk
permockable: hey, i like rice milk too
but not really for drinking
me: unless it's for pourin' one for the homies
permockable: hee
mayhaps
me: and building lightrails
shining, shimmering splendooooor
. . .
me: are you trying to say you require sleep?
permockable: not exactly
just didn't realize how long we've been talking
me: that's how we montell jordan
permockable: but i am scared about the stupid bus thing now
haha, that phrase should become a thing
me: i think it just did
. . .
me: do you have any star wars costumes you can dress up in?
permockable: hee
sadly, no
plius THEN THEY WOULD PUT ME IN JAIL BECAUSE MY LIFE IS NOT A SITCOM
me: but just think what an exciting story that would make for your upcoming lj entry!
permockable: "dear LJ, spent the night in a cell. should not have taken rachael's advice."
me: i think that should be how every entry starts, from here on in
minus the jail part
permockable: sounds good
me: if you get put in jail, will you draw a unicorn on your arm like veronica mars?
permockable: i cannot draw, alas
me: you can just write "UNICORN"
permockable: I will draw a circle, and inside it I will write, "This is a picture of a unicorn." and i will use the force
me: how exactly will you use the force?
permockable: that's not really any of your business
it's a private matter between me and the unicorn
. . .
me: he's clearly suffering from an identity crisis
permockable: now he and pandora are playing with a plastic fork. where the hell did they get a plastic fork? wtfuuuuuuuuck
me: they're not sharpening it & giving you shifty-eyed looks, are they?
permockable: i don't think so
i will watch out just in case
me: i think that's wise
bring them with you when you go to jail though
they could come in handy, with the shiv
permockable: my cats, they make shivs for fun
because they, like all felines, are evil
me: i can't decide whether to cast you in shawshank redemption or westside story
permockable: i don't like either of those ideas
hmph
me: it depends on whether your cats are joined by a gang of companion cats
permockable: well, there are a couple cats that come up on the porch and fight with them through the window. does that count?
me: oh my god, it totally counts. are any of them named maria?
permockable: i don't know their names because i do not speak meow
me: hahaha
are they wearing leather?
permockable: only on sundays
which is TODAY! omg
me: you'd better break out the fine china
permockable: right=o
where did the equal come from?
sheesh
me: which side are you on? the jets? i don't even remember what the other gang was called. the sharks?
permockable: apparently i cannot eat and type at the same time. except i have been typo-ing it up well before that so
yeah, i think?
i don't know my side
I AM LOST AWASH A SEA OF STAR-CROSSED KITTY LOVE
me: this is where your cats learned their confusion
permockable: good observation
me: if you would just teach them
permockable: BE YOURSELF MIZZLE. JUST YOU IS WHO YOU ARE
boom!
me: did he stop singing & dancing?
permockable: yes
but now he is trying to eat my hair
me: DAMN
permockable: not sure if that's an improvement
me: he's got a dark passenger, that one
. . .
me: it's an amish camera
permockable: hee
me: it hates video. and buttons
permockable: but it HAS buttons. it's hypocritical on top of everything else?
me: what a passive-aggressive amish camera you have
permockable: sigh. oh, camera and picture-taking ways
me: that was a fun little moment with puns
BUTTONS
permockable: SOCKS
me: THEY GO ON YOUR FEET, BUT YOU CAN ALSO SOCK SOMEONE IN THE FACE!
permockable: OHHHHHHH SNAP
me: WORDS MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS SOMETIMES
permockable: (YOU CAN USE SNAPS INSTEAD OF BUTTONS)
me: ZIP IT, YOU
permockable: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
ETC
me: wow
hee
the snaps really did crack me up though
permockable: that was the old plan.
the new plan is
BONOBOS
me: wtfwtf
i was gonna go with snap, crackle, pop, but sure
permockable: just think about it
Step 1: BONOBOS
Step 2: ?????????
Step 3: BUTTONS
me: i think it's more like this
Step 1: BONOBOS
Step 2: ?????????
Step 3: UNIVERSE SPINS INTO CHAOS
permockable: WHY DO WE WANT UNIVERSAL CHAOS?
me: don't you wish you knew what happened within step 2?!
permockable: no. because if i did, you would hire someone to make sure i never told
me: hey now
who ever said there's not a step 4
permockable: WHAT IS STEP 4?
I THINK IT IS PRETTY OBVIOUS HOW ONE CHAOSES THE WORLD VIA BONOBOS
but i was never here
me: WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW, CLAW
permockable: IS THAT AN INSPECTOR GADGET REFERENCE?
me: oh yes it is
permockable: just checking
. . .
In summation: WE ARE CRAZY PEOPLE.
And for anyone who's never heard the Flying Vagina Rug's theme song before, don't worry. I got ya':
Hahahaha. Oh, sweet Jesus.
For my Vid of the Day, I can't resist (you'll understand if you read the convo above, haha. Note the, *ahem*, pussy…cat at the beginning of the song. Sure, sure, some might call it a tiger, but LET'S NOT SPLIT HAIRS HERE.[/going to Hell in a handbasket])
It BURNS. Like holy water in a demon's ass.
All right, I'm done complaining now.
I actually have a couple positive things to post about. Oh, my life is still full of suck, don't worry (I've got my bases covered; I'm thorough like that), but at least this weekend has given me some brightness to share.
Number one: Kevin (one-half of Jevin, a.k.a. Jen & Kevin) went into rehab for his drinking. He did it of his own volition, jumped through hoops to find a county-funded place that would take him in when he couldn't pay, and I couldn't possibly be prouder of him as a friend for doing it. As I told Jen last night, I'd like to send him an envelope of confetti.
Recovery is not easy & rehab isn't like some contract that guarantees a relapse-free future (far from it), but the first step is where it begins. Taking a step like going into a treatment program--not doing some half assed "I'll quit on my own!"-type shit--THAT means something. Action; not words, not plans. Puttin' your money where your mouth is. Rock on, dude. After everything with my mom over the last year (not even touching on anything else--her previous issues with addiction, my dad's alcoholism, my old best friend Kim's heroin addiction, my brother in law's alcoholism, and so on), it's just nice to be given good news in regards to something like this for once.
Plus it means I can actually talk to him again if I call over there (I'd pretty much stopped, due to the drinking). If it sticks, I'll have a friend back, and I'll feel better about the home that my best friend (Jen) is living in too. That would make me happy.
Speaking of Jen (also known as
dosidella), that brings me to #2: we FINALLY got to chat online last night for the first time in, like, years. Moreover, the last time we talked on the phone was probably late in the Fall (depression issues + time zone issues + social anxiety issues = phone fail). We've emailed since then, don't get me wrong, but it's just not the same. It's too sporadic & not remotely as conducive to crack. The result? We talked for eight and a half hours.
No, seriously.
We enjoy the use of WORDS.
Haha.
And because our chat ended up being fucking hilarious (what cross-country eight and a half hour long IM conversation in the middle of the night ISN'T?), I'll share my favorite excerpts here now for posterity/shared amusement. That's how we Montell Jordan 'round these parts.
This is long, but worth it for the Flying Vagina Rugs alone. Trust me.
---
permockable: OH
chrome is google's browser heh
i keep typing "bowser," btw
me: now, if bowser is your browser, that might be your problem right there. he'd keep trying to kidnap you & throw fireballs & it'd be a whole big thing
permockable: it would make the internet way more exciting
me: i'd prefer that over viruses. "damn! i just slipped on a banana peel!"
permockable: also i really want to play mario right now
me: for serious. the rainbow road or ghost house levels, especially
permockable: OMG GHOST HOUSE
me: my fave was always the ones with the giant ghost who'd try to creep on you all ~obvious~
permockable: he thought he was being sneaky but he was, like, taking up half the screen. and he was just all, "what? i covered my eyes, you can't see me!"
me: and then you'd turn around & he'd be like "ahaha, THE DAY IS MINE!"
permockable: he was so CUTE though
me: right? i sort of wanted to be his bestie
permockable: i know, really. if i had a huge ghost guy, we could hang out and eat ice cream, and i'd push him on the swings, and then we'd go haunt people
me: except he's giant, so on his way back down on the swings, he'd totally send you flying back. and it'd be like one of those funny sitcom moments. "Oh, ghostie!"
permockable: meanwhile, in my mind, this is all a musical montage to "happy together"
me: hahahaha.
and then going haunting together, he'd be the most CONSPICUOUS ghost ever
he'd try to move objects around the room & scare people, and they'd just sit there all bored, like, "dude, we see you. we know it's you. just come over & watch TV with us."
and he'd like knock lamps over accidentally & shit, because he's so big. "my bad!"
permockable: it would be awesome
oh, giant ghost
me: with your converse shoes! (he's wearing chucks)
permockable: that...makes a lot of sense
me: he sort of turned into the modern playstation version of pac-man somewhere along the way for me
permockable: i don't know what that means
me: win
please tell me you made a scrunchy face when you typed that
permockable: pretty much
me: then my work here is complete
. . .
me: what "pain" thing?
permockable: playing chords on the guitar? the whole fingers-bleeding issue?
me: your skin gets tough! it happens with violin too
i used to get blisters
permockable: i never got blisters! wtf. we had to learn guitar in 7th grade music, and i left the class in tears every day, even after 6 months.
i feel robbed
me: i had blisters one night on every finger of my left hand after a performance
i felt like a fucking soldier
haha
permockable: who can i write to to complain about my lack of blisters?
me: the international music department of friction
permockable: that sounds dirty
me: mmm-hmmm
ain't nothin' wrong with a little bump & grind
permockable: true
my cats are evil, have i mentioned?
me: do they work for the dept of friction?
permockable: they say no, but does the dept of friction employe spies?
i don't know where that extra e came from
my typing is off tonight
me: the extra 'e' was a spy. and yes. they also employ balloons. y'know, for the friction.
permockable: that's pretty scandalous
me: or static. whatever
permockable: let's all rub balloons on our heads then
me: ready? aaaaand go
since it's the music dept, we should play that balloon song
permockable: what is the balloon song?
me: 99 something-something balloons?
permockable: ohhh, red
i thought you meant a song that was like, "balloons, balloons, fa la la la la, dee da, balloons, balloons"
me: you should know me better than that. i have a song for everything.
it was that or the winnie the pooh song, where he floats up to the honey tree with the balloon. that's more of a stretch though
permockable: heh but that's much cuter
me: and that way we could cover ourselves in mud
tut tut
permockable: aww
. . .
permockable: yeah, i know what you mean. luckily i've not had much problem with that
me: that's because you're using a bowser browser
permockable: that's probably true
must be all the fire and suchlike. the video daren't dawdle
me: ooh, "daren't"
permockable: yes. it's classy-talk
me: someone's been eating her wheaties
permockable: haha
i have been eating off-brand cheerio's, thank you very much
me: only the most top of the line breakfast food for you
permockable: well i have soy milk, OK? like...so there
me: you hippie
permockable: if by "hippie" you mean "person who can't stand the taste of dairy milk," then yes, i am a hippie
me: it's because you lived in portlandia so long
permockable: yep. that must be why. i was so indoctrinated that i actually went back in time and made my past self drink soy milk for years before i even moved there. it's some kinda evil plan or somethin'
me: exactly. a rip in the time-space continuum.
that's how we roll
permockable: it's an evil plot...
...TO MAKE THE WHOLE WORLD DRINK SOY MILK
THE UNIVERSE WILL PAY
me: WE HATE COWS
permockable: DOWN WITH COWS
. . .
me: "does it taste like coffee?" "yep, hence the name." "then i say GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR."
permockable: exactly
buuuuuuuuut i had a chai tea milkshake at lunch, and it was AWESOME. way better than this coffee nonsense.
me: haven't you ever had chai tea before?
permockable: sure but not in a milkshake
me: i imagine it would be awesome
did it bring all the boys to the yard?
permockable: not all of them. very sad
me: some were lactose intolerant? or working for the soy compaign?
permockable: i think that was the problem, yes.
me: DAMN YOU, PORTLANDIA
permockable: KEEPIN THE BOYS FROM THE YARD
me: that yard needs to be mowed!
permockable: I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO CAPSLOCK ABOUT
me: wait, is "yard" slang for her cha cha?
permockable: i hope not.
me: maybe she needs to mow it
permockable: this conversation got weird
me: doesn't it always?
permockable: I WAS INNOCENTLY TALKING ABOUT MY CHAI TEA MILKSHAKE AND ITS AWESOME, OKAY?
me: you do know the song i'm talking about, right?
permockable: yes
me: just makin' sure, hee
permockable: but then you're all like, "(SPOILER ALERT) ............... THE YARD IS HER VAGINA!!!"
me: BUT IT TOTALLY IS
permockable: OR MAYBE IT IS JUST A NICE COURTYARD WITH A BENCH AND SOME LOVELY TREES. HOW ABOUT THAT.
me: SURE, AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THAT COURTYARD IS. . .
HER VAGINA
permockable: IS HER VAGINA SITTING ON THE BENCH, JUST WONDERING
me: no, it's climbing the tree
it wants to fly. a whole new wooooorld
permockable: that's not fair because i don't remember any of the lyrics to that song.
me: SHINING, SHIMMERING SPLENDOR
permockable: SOMETHING SOMETHING SURRENDER
me: a flying CARPET, jen. her RUG.
permockable: OMG
me: what is my brain?
permockable: answer: awesome
i started typing a sentence and halfway through i noticed it made no sense
me: like anything we've been talking about does? haha
permockable: you know, whenever i talk to you, i end up getting hyper
me: i have that effect on people. y'know, this might come close to tying Masturbation Man for me. flying vagina rugs.
permockable: does the flying vagina rug have teeth, though?
me: retractable teeth
permockable: that is spectacular
me: it's off to see the seven wonders of the world. it damn well ought to be
permockable: oh, the wacky adventures of flying vagina rug
me: it passes out milkshakes to the children
teaches them about crabs
the real ones
permockable: hmmm
me: the ones in the ocean
permockable: well, sure
as flying vagina rugs do
me: it's age-appropriate like that
it also speaks in a british accent
but a fake one, like Mrs. Doubtfire
or the giant clit in the South Park movie
permockable: wow, i forgot all about mrs. doubtfire.
i used to have that on vhs
me: The Traveling Vagina Rug didn't
permockable: does the vagina rug have a theme song?
me: "my neck, my beck" by khia
*back
not beck
permockable: oh good, cause i was worried there for a minute
me: beck petitioned to be involved, but failed
permockable: i actually thought glenn beck at first and that was pretty much the grossest thing ever
me: ahhhhh
noooo
he's like a ken doll. anatomically incorrect. automatically disqualified
permockable: yeah, i don't think glenn beck would ever fight crime with a flying vagina rug. even if he wanted to, i'm pretty sure there's an organization that exists solely for the purpose of stopping him
me: the retractable teeth would decapitate him like a praying mantis. problem solved. we could then name a national holiday in honor of the flying vagina
permockable: most excellent
me: "No school today, Ma! I LOVE VAGINA!"
permockable: TODAY IS VAGINA DAY. LET US SING.
me: "WE SHALL BUY THE WORLD A COKE IN HONOR OF VAGINA!"
. . .
permockable: so weird
but the funniest part of my dream last night was, we were all leaving for a camping trip, and while we were heading to the car, i stopped and was like, "WAIT, GUYS! MAKE SURE YOU HAVE TAMPONS!" and starting throwing some to everyone
me: hee. was it like that scene in "carrie"?
permockable: haha, not quite. I was just like, "YOU MIGHT GET YOUR PERIOD WHILE WE"RE IN THE WOODS! WHAT THEN?!"
me: you come prepared
permockable: yeah. and it was a good thing my dream-self kept a box of tampons in the mailbox
me: maybe the flying vagina sent you a care package
permockable: that is probably it. the flying vagina is generous like that
me: it totally is. when you get your first period, it leaves a tampon under your pillow
permockable: that is so sweet
me: and disturbing. who gave it a key?
permockable: well who gave the tooth fairy a key? at least we KNOW how santa breaks in
me: i always thought that was effed up
permockable: haha me too actually
me: especially since i lived in an apt with no chimney
permockable: ohhhh
yeah that would sort of off
*be
me: i was like, "Number one, your Santa Clause is a house-breaker-inner. Number two, your story has obvious plotholes."
permockable: hee
i always just enjoyed leaving food for the reindeers. i was like, "screw this santa claus chap."
me: were you smoking a pipe at the time?
permockable: a corncob pipe
me: fantastic
. . .
permockable: i spent my day hanging out with jo's daughter, grocery shopping, clipping the dog's nails, and chatting online. THIS IS HOW WE ROCK AND ROLL BABY.
me: you should totally start singing that "this is how we do it" song now
permockable: well thank you so much for getting that stuck in my head
me: that's what i'm here for
permockable: and i barely know the words, so it's all "mumble mumble mumble"
me: the party's here on the west side
permockable: that was not an invitation to remind me of the lyrics
i must play some music now
me: hee
it's all good in my hood tonight!
. . .
me: i wish people were busier on lj this week though, since i'm used to wasting more time on failbook
permockable: aww
yeah i haven't updated my lj in a long time again. oops
me: get on that. chop chop
permockable: i don't even know what to post about
me: TV & your novel & what-not. flying vaginas
permockable: well, when you put it like that...
hmm, i've never really talked about tv in my LJ. interesting
me: welcome to fandom.
permockable: i am scared of fandom
me: we have cookies
permockable: cookies of evil, maybe
me: they're made of soy
permockable: I KNEW IT
. . .
permockable: they've been going bankrupt for a couple years now, mainly cause no one uses public transit unless they have to, because the service is crappy. so apparently the solution is to...cut service and raise prices! a truly brilliant plan
me: sounds like they need to raise money from a different source
SOY MILK
permockable: or the fucking city needs to cough up some funding
and then they need to use that to put in a fucking lightrail
or soy milk works, too
me: it's sad how much that made me laugh
permockable: ha
me: the lightrail can run on soy
permockable: THAT"S HOW WE DO
that wasn't supposed to be a quotation mark
me: just ask montell jordan
permockable: stopitstopitstopitstopit
me: he also enjoys the occasional glass of cool rice milk
permockable: hey, i like rice milk too
but not really for drinking
me: unless it's for pourin' one for the homies
permockable: hee
mayhaps
me: and building lightrails
shining, shimmering splendooooor
. . .
me: are you trying to say you require sleep?
permockable: not exactly
just didn't realize how long we've been talking
me: that's how we montell jordan
permockable: but i am scared about the stupid bus thing now
haha, that phrase should become a thing
me: i think it just did
. . .
me: do you have any star wars costumes you can dress up in?
permockable: hee
sadly, no
plius THEN THEY WOULD PUT ME IN JAIL BECAUSE MY LIFE IS NOT A SITCOM
me: but just think what an exciting story that would make for your upcoming lj entry!
permockable: "dear LJ, spent the night in a cell. should not have taken rachael's advice."
me: i think that should be how every entry starts, from here on in
minus the jail part
permockable: sounds good
me: if you get put in jail, will you draw a unicorn on your arm like veronica mars?
permockable: i cannot draw, alas
me: you can just write "UNICORN"
permockable: I will draw a circle, and inside it I will write, "This is a picture of a unicorn." and i will use the force
me: how exactly will you use the force?
permockable: that's not really any of your business
it's a private matter between me and the unicorn
. . .
me: he's clearly suffering from an identity crisis
permockable: now he and pandora are playing with a plastic fork. where the hell did they get a plastic fork? wtfuuuuuuuuck
me: they're not sharpening it & giving you shifty-eyed looks, are they?
permockable: i don't think so
i will watch out just in case
me: i think that's wise
bring them with you when you go to jail though
they could come in handy, with the shiv
permockable: my cats, they make shivs for fun
because they, like all felines, are evil
me: i can't decide whether to cast you in shawshank redemption or westside story
permockable: i don't like either of those ideas
hmph
me: it depends on whether your cats are joined by a gang of companion cats
permockable: well, there are a couple cats that come up on the porch and fight with them through the window. does that count?
me: oh my god, it totally counts. are any of them named maria?
permockable: i don't know their names because i do not speak meow
me: hahaha
are they wearing leather?
permockable: only on sundays
which is TODAY! omg
me: you'd better break out the fine china
permockable: right=o
where did the equal come from?
sheesh
me: which side are you on? the jets? i don't even remember what the other gang was called. the sharks?
permockable: apparently i cannot eat and type at the same time. except i have been typo-ing it up well before that so
yeah, i think?
i don't know my side
I AM LOST AWASH A SEA OF STAR-CROSSED KITTY LOVE
me: this is where your cats learned their confusion
permockable: good observation
me: if you would just teach them
permockable: BE YOURSELF MIZZLE. JUST YOU IS WHO YOU ARE
boom!
me: did he stop singing & dancing?
permockable: yes
but now he is trying to eat my hair
me: DAMN
permockable: not sure if that's an improvement
me: he's got a dark passenger, that one
. . .
me: it's an amish camera
permockable: hee
me: it hates video. and buttons
permockable: but it HAS buttons. it's hypocritical on top of everything else?
me: what a passive-aggressive amish camera you have
permockable: sigh. oh, camera and picture-taking ways
me: that was a fun little moment with puns
BUTTONS
permockable: SOCKS
me: THEY GO ON YOUR FEET, BUT YOU CAN ALSO SOCK SOMEONE IN THE FACE!
permockable: OHHHHHHH SNAP
me: WORDS MEAN DIFFERENT THINGS SOMETIMES
permockable: (YOU CAN USE SNAPS INSTEAD OF BUTTONS)
me: ZIP IT, YOU
permockable: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
ETC
me: wow
hee
the snaps really did crack me up though
permockable: that was the old plan.
the new plan is
BONOBOS
me: wtfwtf
i was gonna go with snap, crackle, pop, but sure
permockable: just think about it
Step 1: BONOBOS
Step 2: ?????????
Step 3: BUTTONS
me: i think it's more like this
Step 1: BONOBOS
Step 2: ?????????
Step 3: UNIVERSE SPINS INTO CHAOS
permockable: WHY DO WE WANT UNIVERSAL CHAOS?
me: don't you wish you knew what happened within step 2?!
permockable: no. because if i did, you would hire someone to make sure i never told
me: hey now
who ever said there's not a step 4
permockable: WHAT IS STEP 4?
I THINK IT IS PRETTY OBVIOUS HOW ONE CHAOSES THE WORLD VIA BONOBOS
but i was never here
me: WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW, CLAW
permockable: IS THAT AN INSPECTOR GADGET REFERENCE?
me: oh yes it is
permockable: just checking
. . .
In summation: WE ARE CRAZY PEOPLE.
And for anyone who's never heard the Flying Vagina Rug's theme song before, don't worry. I got ya':
Hahahaha. Oh, sweet Jesus.
For my Vid of the Day, I can't resist (you'll understand if you read the convo above, haha. Note the, *ahem*, pussy…cat at the beginning of the song. Sure, sure, some might call it a tiger, but LET'S NOT SPLIT HAIRS HERE.[/going to Hell in a handbasket])
