Has anyone seen my mojo?
Apr. 4th, 2011 12:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82This icon & subject heading are dedicated to my current efforts at fic writing. I'm so freaking irritated by my brain right now. My inner five year old wants to just delete everything & yell, "THAT'S FINE. I WON'T WRITE ANYTHING AT ALL. I DON'T EVEN CARE. APPARENTLY I SUCK NOW. THAT'S COOL." Then I can storm off in a huff, kicking inanimate objects along the way.
Sigh. I just have to remind myself: I went through this last time too. Once I get over being ridiculously harsh on myself & remember I'm doing this ~for fun~, I'll be fine.
Anyway. I don't think it helps that I'm hormonal. Really not a fan of PMS, have I mentioned that? Oy. I've been in such a crappola mood all day, especially because I began feeling super stressed out about the new job earlier. The fact that it's so much less money than I'm used to (when I made this much before, my rent was cheaper + I could hardly afford to pay bills if I missed work, etc. I mean, seriously, this job will pay me less than I currently make on unemployment. THAT'S ANNOYING) as well as worries about whether my unemployment would be even less after it ends (assuming I don't get hired on) because they'd base it on *that* income maybe (yes? No? Is that right?) & GAH I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I'm just stressing. The back-up receptionist thing worries me too, and so does meeting new people (will I be sitting somewhere quiet/by myself? Will there be places to go for lunch? Will I walk fast enough from the bus stop to get there on time each morning?<--bla bla bla GOES ON & ON), and whether I should've held out for something better/looked for other work harder, and ugh. UGH UGH UGH.
I know all this should make me happy, but honestly? All I felt earlier--besides stress--was REALLY depressed (I suppose it's not that out of the ordinary for me, response-wise. My hotline call last year came literally the same day I got my Wells Fargo job/did well at the interview). Like I wanted to email him & be like, "nevermind!" or disappear/die. Put bluntly, I just feel scared. I don't know what to expect from this job, don't know if it'll be bad, don't know if I'll screw it up & get fired again, don't know if I'll get anxious there, don't know anything. I feel very nervous & wish I knew if this was the right thing for me right now. Then again, it has to be, you know? You're supposed to accept job offers when you're unemployed. And maybe it will help lead to something that pays better. Maybe it will help me feel more comfortable around people again after being isolated from not working for so long.
If not--if I do screw it up, if it is the wrong move--I can deal with that then, right? I'm jumping way too far ahead here.
Deep breaths. God, I hate my brain.
At least I went to the grocery store today though (and used the ATM to deposit cash for rent. I hate using the ATM. There's always other people waiting behind you & I despise that feeling of being rushed/watched. I get anxious. Not like I used to back in the day, but it still bothers me). That's something. Also, on a random note, my friend/former coworker Cindy called & left me a message tonight. I tried to call her back, but got her voicemail. Still, it surprised me. I kind of thought I might never hear from her again. Not because anything happened--nothing did--but because I'm used to people fading away like that (that seemed to be what was happening with everyone toward the end of last year, after all). I would really like to see the new Scream movie when it comes out, so hopefully she'll be up for something like that.
Anyway, that's all for now. Before I go though, I figured I'd share the link![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
auroura76 gave me for the full footage of the BSG peeps at the U.N.. It's a Google vid, so the quality is way better than YouTube's. I hadn't ever actually seen it in its entirety before tonight, and I really enjoyed it (it's definitely worth watching even if you don't care about the show. There's a lot of interesting subjects brought up--child soldiers/trafficking, terrorism, reconciliation/peace, war crimes, women's rights, religion, what it means to be human & the idea of the "other", etc--and I loved hearing what the different U.N. speakers had to say). I've never felt more proud to be a BSG fan though, for real. That was just awesome.
Also? To quote Whoopi Goldberg at the end, "Thank God for the word 'frak'." Ha. PREACH.
Lastly, my Vid of the Day comes from katamaran78. This one puts a smile on my face. I don't think I've mentioned it here before, but truthfully, Adama/Roslin give me hope sometimes. When I get sad over my eternal failitude in love, I think of them & remember there's no age limit on that sort of thing. You know? Yes, they're fictional, but the point remains. Rather than looking at them & thinking how sad it is that they didn't meet when they were younger/have more time, I think how lucky they were to find each other at all. It makes their love even more precious, imo.
Sigh. I just have to remind myself: I went through this last time too. Once I get over being ridiculously harsh on myself & remember I'm doing this ~for fun~, I'll be fine.
Anyway. I don't think it helps that I'm hormonal. Really not a fan of PMS, have I mentioned that? Oy. I've been in such a crappola mood all day, especially because I began feeling super stressed out about the new job earlier. The fact that it's so much less money than I'm used to (when I made this much before, my rent was cheaper + I could hardly afford to pay bills if I missed work, etc. I mean, seriously, this job will pay me less than I currently make on unemployment. THAT'S ANNOYING) as well as worries about whether my unemployment would be even less after it ends (assuming I don't get hired on) because they'd base it on *that* income maybe (yes? No? Is that right?) & GAH I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I'm just stressing. The back-up receptionist thing worries me too, and so does meeting new people (will I be sitting somewhere quiet/by myself? Will there be places to go for lunch? Will I walk fast enough from the bus stop to get there on time each morning?<--bla bla bla GOES ON & ON), and whether I should've held out for something better/looked for other work harder, and ugh. UGH UGH UGH.
I know all this should make me happy, but honestly? All I felt earlier--besides stress--was REALLY depressed (I suppose it's not that out of the ordinary for me, response-wise. My hotline call last year came literally the same day I got my Wells Fargo job/did well at the interview). Like I wanted to email him & be like, "nevermind!" or disappear/die. Put bluntly, I just feel scared. I don't know what to expect from this job, don't know if it'll be bad, don't know if I'll screw it up & get fired again, don't know if I'll get anxious there, don't know anything. I feel very nervous & wish I knew if this was the right thing for me right now. Then again, it has to be, you know? You're supposed to accept job offers when you're unemployed. And maybe it will help lead to something that pays better. Maybe it will help me feel more comfortable around people again after being isolated from not working for so long.
If not--if I do screw it up, if it is the wrong move--I can deal with that then, right? I'm jumping way too far ahead here.
Deep breaths. God, I hate my brain.
At least I went to the grocery store today though (and used the ATM to deposit cash for rent. I hate using the ATM. There's always other people waiting behind you & I despise that feeling of being rushed/watched. I get anxious. Not like I used to back in the day, but it still bothers me). That's something. Also, on a random note, my friend/former coworker Cindy called & left me a message tonight. I tried to call her back, but got her voicemail. Still, it surprised me. I kind of thought I might never hear from her again. Not because anything happened--nothing did--but because I'm used to people fading away like that (that seemed to be what was happening with everyone toward the end of last year, after all). I would really like to see the new Scream movie when it comes out, so hopefully she'll be up for something like that.
Anyway, that's all for now. Before I go though, I figured I'd share the link
auroura76 gave me for the full footage of the BSG peeps at the U.N.. It's a Google vid, so the quality is way better than YouTube's. I hadn't ever actually seen it in its entirety before tonight, and I really enjoyed it (it's definitely worth watching even if you don't care about the show. There's a lot of interesting subjects brought up--child soldiers/trafficking, terrorism, reconciliation/peace, war crimes, women's rights, religion, what it means to be human & the idea of the "other", etc--and I loved hearing what the different U.N. speakers had to say). I've never felt more proud to be a BSG fan though, for real. That was just awesome. Also? To quote Whoopi Goldberg at the end, "Thank God for the word 'frak'." Ha. PREACH.
Lastly, my Vid of the Day comes from katamaran78. This one puts a smile on my face. I don't think I've mentioned it here before, but truthfully, Adama/Roslin give me hope sometimes. When I get sad over my eternal failitude in love, I think of them & remember there's no age limit on that sort of thing. You know? Yes, they're fictional, but the point remains. Rather than looking at them & thinking how sad it is that they didn't meet when they were younger/have more time, I think how lucky they were to find each other at all. It makes their love even more precious, imo.
