(no subject)
May. 9th, 2011 08:49 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82You know those "this is a friends cut post!" entries? I usually dislike them, because it seems to always send people into a scramble--worrying they've done something wrong--and I rarely defriend anyone normally to begin with because I just hate doing it (I almost always feel sad when it happens to me. I have a hard time not taking it personally), but I did narrow down my flist a bit this morning and, since it's for a general reason that has to do with me more than anything, I feel like it warrants some explanation to make sure no one's feelings get unintentionally hurt.
Basically, I was defriended myself today, and in this case it's fine--we weren't close & haven't known each other long--but it got me thinking. Until very recently, my flist was comprised pretty much exclusively of people who were here to talk (or at least listen, if they were lurkers) about RL stuff. TV was certainly a part of it, because the majority of us shared that as a big interest, but it wasn't just about that--not as a primary purpose anyway. Generally, if someone friended me, I would just automatically friend them back, unless I REALLY had no handle on who they were or why they added me. Later, I gathered some BSG friends, but even that was mostly through either friending memes or a bond gained through repeated interactions at comms, etc. Most of them became more than fandom friends over time, in other words. Same goes for most of the people I met through FMM.
I mention this because I've been uncertain how to feel about my flist's growth this year. I love making new friends, but I'm not sure where I stand with some of my newest ones. What they're here for, how they see me, and so on. I was friended by a lot of new people all at once, sort of, after posting my fics & jumping into the Bones fandom more heavily. It's kind of left me not knowing who's here because they really want to know me personally (and possibly vice versa, depending on how easy it is for them to talk about their lives), and who added me simply to follow/sometimes comment on the occasional episode review or fic without being concerned about reciprocity on my part. I don't even know what some of my new friends' interests are, because a lot of newbies to LJ put almost nothing on their profile these days.
And I've tended to prefer leaving entries open as much as possible in the past, mostly because it's been so helpful to me when I've come across public blogs that expressed things I could relate to (it made me feel less alone & even sometimes educated me on certain things, and if they hadn't been public I wouldn't have been able to experience that), but to be fair LJ was a lot more insular & private when I first got here; it was invite-only for a long time. The overall feel of why people were even here in the first place was different too, like I said. So getting used to this recent shift has been an adjustment. It's sort of created a context collapse for me when I write, because I'm not sure how many people on my flist are going to be interested in what I'm saying, might relate or at least understand, etc. It's particularly an issue for me lately, because of my need for a safe space while dealing with so much heavy emotional crap. I'm just raw lately, really, and it's thrown me for a loop. As a result, I've begun feeling the need for more privacy, closeness, & a mutual assumption of trust with the people who have access to my flocked posts.
I know a lot of people in fandom use filters when they get into this sitch, but that just makes things so complicated, y'know? It still leaves me uncomfortable.
If you've been deleted, it's because I either believe you're only here for public fandom-type entries & won't mind whether you're friended or not--in which case, absolutely feel free to continue reading those entries/commenting if you want to--and/or I still don't feel like I really know you or know whether we're likely to share many interests. There's still a few folks I don't know much about yet who were left added, but I'm leaving wiggle room for those who are really new or conversely who have been here for like a year or something. I figure if you've already been here that long, there's at least a chance you're interested in the personal stuff too. Otherwise I can't imagine you wouldn't have bailed by now with all my long-ass posts. Heh.
In summation, don't worry--there's no butthurt drama goin' on here, and I'm still cool with all of you. I don't want to make anyone feel like they need to comment to this to "save" our friendship or defend anything. If you *do* think we share more interests than I realize & want to be closer, then of course you can comment if you want to (I may have defriended you thinking you wouldn't care when you would, who knows. I'm not always good at correctly perceiving how people feel about me), but this isn't one of those "I want people to comment to say they love me!"-deals. If that makes sense.
Meanwhile I'm sure most people wouldn't ramble so much about this type of thing (I don't think most LJers nowadays put nearly as much thought into the friending/defriending thing as I do), but y'all know how I roll.
Basically, I was defriended myself today, and in this case it's fine--we weren't close & haven't known each other long--but it got me thinking. Until very recently, my flist was comprised pretty much exclusively of people who were here to talk (or at least listen, if they were lurkers) about RL stuff. TV was certainly a part of it, because the majority of us shared that as a big interest, but it wasn't just about that--not as a primary purpose anyway. Generally, if someone friended me, I would just automatically friend them back, unless I REALLY had no handle on who they were or why they added me. Later, I gathered some BSG friends, but even that was mostly through either friending memes or a bond gained through repeated interactions at comms, etc. Most of them became more than fandom friends over time, in other words. Same goes for most of the people I met through FMM.
I mention this because I've been uncertain how to feel about my flist's growth this year. I love making new friends, but I'm not sure where I stand with some of my newest ones. What they're here for, how they see me, and so on. I was friended by a lot of new people all at once, sort of, after posting my fics & jumping into the Bones fandom more heavily. It's kind of left me not knowing who's here because they really want to know me personally (and possibly vice versa, depending on how easy it is for them to talk about their lives), and who added me simply to follow/sometimes comment on the occasional episode review or fic without being concerned about reciprocity on my part. I don't even know what some of my new friends' interests are, because a lot of newbies to LJ put almost nothing on their profile these days.
And I've tended to prefer leaving entries open as much as possible in the past, mostly because it's been so helpful to me when I've come across public blogs that expressed things I could relate to (it made me feel less alone & even sometimes educated me on certain things, and if they hadn't been public I wouldn't have been able to experience that), but to be fair LJ was a lot more insular & private when I first got here; it was invite-only for a long time. The overall feel of why people were even here in the first place was different too, like I said. So getting used to this recent shift has been an adjustment. It's sort of created a context collapse for me when I write, because I'm not sure how many people on my flist are going to be interested in what I'm saying, might relate or at least understand, etc. It's particularly an issue for me lately, because of my need for a safe space while dealing with so much heavy emotional crap. I'm just raw lately, really, and it's thrown me for a loop. As a result, I've begun feeling the need for more privacy, closeness, & a mutual assumption of trust with the people who have access to my flocked posts.
I know a lot of people in fandom use filters when they get into this sitch, but that just makes things so complicated, y'know? It still leaves me uncomfortable.
If you've been deleted, it's because I either believe you're only here for public fandom-type entries & won't mind whether you're friended or not--in which case, absolutely feel free to continue reading those entries/commenting if you want to--and/or I still don't feel like I really know you or know whether we're likely to share many interests. There's still a few folks I don't know much about yet who were left added, but I'm leaving wiggle room for those who are really new or conversely who have been here for like a year or something. I figure if you've already been here that long, there's at least a chance you're interested in the personal stuff too. Otherwise I can't imagine you wouldn't have bailed by now with all my long-ass posts. Heh.
In summation, don't worry--there's no butthurt drama goin' on here, and I'm still cool with all of you. I don't want to make anyone feel like they need to comment to this to "save" our friendship or defend anything. If you *do* think we share more interests than I realize & want to be closer, then of course you can comment if you want to (I may have defriended you thinking you wouldn't care when you would, who knows. I'm not always good at correctly perceiving how people feel about me), but this isn't one of those "I want people to comment to say they love me!"-deals. If that makes sense.
Meanwhile I'm sure most people wouldn't ramble so much about this type of thing (I don't think most LJers nowadays put nearly as much thought into the friending/defriending thing as I do), but y'all know how I roll.
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(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-09 04:23 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-09 04:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-09 04:27 pm (UTC)Hugs to you.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-09 05:00 pm (UTC)I agree, and I remember you even mentioned that when you added me, so I knew you felt that way. :)
It's your space and we are all guests.
Hugs to you
Thanks, bb. Hugs to you as well.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-09 06:59 pm (UTC)Since I apparently made the cut, I feel speshull.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-09 10:06 pm (UTC)Heh, tell me about it. Hence why I have this icon. I call it my "meltdown" icon. Hee. I'm not having one right now though, luckily. But yes, it does come in handy.
Since I apparently made the cut, I feel speshull
Aw, group hug. Ha.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-09 08:56 pm (UTC)I think Im starting to move away from the Bones fandom a little though - this season has been a little hard. But this has nothing to do with it - I want to hear from you anyways. Plus, your music is always great, lol. AND we have BSG in common too.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-09 10:39 pm (UTC)Absolutely. :)
I think Im starting to move away from the Bones fandom a little though - this season has been a little hard
I hear ya, and I know you know why. I'm still invested in the show, & I like talking about it with likeminded people--plus writing fic has been a great experience, and I don't want or plan to give that up--but taking a step back has been on my mind lately as well. That's partially what this was about for me--trying to find a better balance.
Plus, your music is always great, lol.
Aw, I'm glad someone actually enjoys the constant music recs! Hee.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-10 12:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-10 12:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-10 03:23 pm (UTC)I don't post fic or anything like that here, so unless someone wants to fangirl with me, there's no reason to add someone if they're just going to lurk, y'know? Speaking of lurking, I'm trying to get better at commenting on you LJ. Don't worry, I suck at doing it for everyone. ;)
After I commented on your post about fandom a few weeks back, I realized it may have seemed disrespectful and that is totally not what I was going for. I promise. I went to correct that entry the next day but it was gone.
But I'm really glad we're friends here. Admittedly, it seems the only common intrest we have is Bones, though, so be sure I'll be here to comment when your posts include anything Bones-related! But I've never watched BSG - maybe I'll add it to my list of shows to eventually watch.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-05-11 06:21 pm (UTC)I appreciate you saying that.
Admittedly, it seems the only common intrest we have is Bones, though
You like XF & Buffy as well, right? I don't talk about those shows much anymore, but I still love them.
You should definitely add BSG to your list.