'Cause I'm the revolution
Jul. 10th, 2011 10:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg821. TNT's advertising + some pimping from ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
teachlikeroslin got me to check out Rizzoli & Isles a couple days ago. The show itself isn't especially amazing, at least not what I've seen so far anyway, but the two leads? Whoa, nellie. THE SLASHYNESS, CAP'N. I DON'T HAVE THE POWERRR.
I mean, honestly, look at the promo:
Best part? The two top comments:
Hahaha. For real though! I watched two episodes, and by the end I was like "UM, THEY ARE CUTE, AND THEY NEED TO HAVE THE SEX. LIKE NOW, PREFERABLY." I'm just saying.
2. I watched "Islanded in a Stream of Stars" today. I kinda forgot how damned sweet Adama & Roslin are toward the end. I still flail a bit when he talks about "his women." Aww.
3. Got a fic rec for you guys: When the Time Comes bykungfuwaynewho. I like the idea of Laura having the Opera House visions as a kid, but not being able to fully remember them -- just being left sort of ~haunted~ afterward. It works for me, especially because of how the writer describes it.
4.
I found myself actually really not wanting to go before-hand. I had said I'd make my peanut butter cup cookies, and I even bought the necessary stuff, but couldn't muster up the motivation for that either. Kinda makes me think of this bit by Bill Burr:
Heh. And I know I'm making light of it, but really. Sometimes the little things get to you so bad.
It was also the whole "I'm about to be surrounded by heavy emotions for the next several hours" deal. Despite it being a "celebration of life," it's not like it was gonna be a freaking Birthday party, y'know? Someone is dead. Dress it up however you like, it's still a bunch of people standing around together, awkwardly trying to talk (or not talk) about someone who's not coming back. And considering it took place in his house, I was even more aware of that fact.
I did go though, and I paid over $40 to do so, since I took a cab. I didn't cry or anything, but I did feel close to it a few times. First because of the quote on the invitation (which apparently came from him. "We survive through others' memories of us. As long as you remember me I will always be with you.") and again from seeing a recent picture of him, bald, smiling, & holding his grandson. It was right by the living room, which is where I'd normally expect to find him, were he still alive. I think that's one of the worst things about mourning--seeing their belongings, how it's like you irrationally expect them to still be there, and they're not, and that somehow makes it even worse. Like, they SHOULD be there, but they're not. It shouldn't be real that this person you've always known would just suddenly be gone, like poof!, & never, ever coming back. But it is. That's how it goes.
It might've been better if I had cried, but I'm not sure if it would've made a difference. I just know I got REALLY sick. I came home & threw up like you wouldn't believe. I think being in the heat, around so many people, so much noise, so much smoke (not just cigarette smoke, but weed too -- it is my family we're talking about here. I didn't have any though, and I didn't drink either. Most everyone else was drunk or at least buzzed by the time I left), and so much emotion, so much EVERYTHING really, was too much for me. I took the bus home, and I swear, just the noise from the other passengers talking (and the inevitable screaming toddler) + my stomach roiling was enough to make me come *thisclose* to a panic attack, like getmeoutofheregetmeoutofhereaghh. Thankfully I've had a lot of practice at keeping myself calm in those types of situations though. But it was really hard, especially because my stomach REALLY fucking hurt, and I was legit afraid of upchucking on someone's lap.
I'll admit that it bothered me to be around so much smoking too (the cigarettes, that is). Kind of pissed me off, frankly. I mean, okay, I get it, they're addicted, but my uncle JUST died from lung cancer. COULD YOU TAKE A DAY OFF? I just really didn't want to be around it (especially because it makes me feel sick. Always has). When the day started, they were going to the side of the house to do it, but by the end they were smoking in the backyard and there was no way to avoid it without sitting by yourself inside the house & being all anti-social. And the drinking too, ugh. I just, yeah. The thing is, I hate interacting with drunk people when I'm sober. HATE it. I love drunk people in fictional worlds; it's fun then. But IRL? NO. No, thank you.
Case in point as to why: I found myself in a heated debate shortly before I left with a guy I didn't even know, who was going off about how "addictive personalities" don't really exist & how "junkies" who drink too much/do drugs/etc are just the less-cautious types who "go after life!" & that to say anything else is somehow "a posteriori logic" (which btw he kept mispronouncing. BONUS) & bla bla BULLSHIT bla bla. He was clearly super inebriated (slurring his words, red-eyed, the whole shebang), which should've been reason enough for me to ignore everything he said, but I pretty much got triggered. I did hold myself back more than I would've in years past--when I was young, I was feisty as shit. It didn't matter who you were or where we were. If I thought you were wrong about something, I'd say so--but I still let myself get dragged in enough to be annoyed afterward for quite a while. I could've just quickly changed the subject & avoided hearing most of his stupid-ass opinions (or should I say "research" as he was one of those "I've studied this topic for many years!"-types. Like, ohhh, okay. Were you studying it in a bar while getting shitfaced? SHUT YOUR HOLE). The debate got sidetracked before it could get too intense though, fortunately, but I did almost lose it at one point, ngl. "Lose it" in the sense of coming close to drawing attention, I mean. As it was, I think the worst point I reached was calling him naive. Heh. I mean, not directly, but indirectly. I called one of his opinions naive. Luckily he, and everyone else, was too out of it though to even catch the slip.
Aside from that, however, the company was good. I felt extremely awkward when I first arrived, because I didn't know almost anyone, and it's sometimes hard for me to know how to mingle in situations like that. You end up just standing at the periphery of the crowd, like, "anywayyyyy, can I go now?" It's something that's been on my mind lately, too, because it comes up for me at every ACA meeting. Afterward, people hang around & talk, and it's like they somehow instantly form these little groups of two or more, chatting, and I'm like, "HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT HAPPEN?!" I'll just be standing there, again, not knowing what I'm supposed to do. I tend to do better at parties when I'm either with someone who knows others (and can introduce me/won't mind me stalking them like a shadow until I relax) or at an event with a structured set of activities, where everyone's involved in the same thing (e.g. a babyshower where you play games together. Things like that). I have gotten better though since going to so many meetup groups, but it's still something I sometimes struggle with. At least the observational-fear aspect of my social anxiety isn't as bad though. I still get self-conscious & nervous walking in front of others or lifting my hand to drink/eat if someone's watching, but it's way better than it used to be.
There was one lady I enjoyed talking to quite a bit. Not only because I thought she was pretty (what? Just being honest here. Heh), but because as she was leaving, after she'd already told me goodbye, she turned back around again & added, "You're beautiful." I should've been like, "Flattery will get you everywhere, my dear." Not really the place for pick-ups though. Heh. Plus I'm pretty sure she was married, not to mention at least a decade older than me. Razzlefrat.
Otherwise, I saw a friend of the family (and his kids) whom I hadn't seen in probably at least ten years. That was interesting. I also saw another friend of the family who popped up sometimes while I was growing up, and who went to high school with not only my uncle, but also my father & mother. Crazy.
On a funny note, the following exchange occurred at least three times while I was there:
Random person: …Wait, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
Me: Um, 29?
Random person: YOU DO NOT LOOK 29. I thought you were like 17 or 18!
Me: I know. That's what everyone says.
Random person: You're gonna get carded when you're like 35! OMG.
Seriously. At least three times.
As expected, my sister wasn't there. My cousin Abram said he sent a message out to family members on facebook, so I'm assuming she was invited (that's how I assumed she found out about the death in the first place, so, yeah), but we didn't talk about it any further than that.
I got asked several times if I'd talked to my dad since it happened, which as you all know I haven't. Turns out my cousin called & left him three messages, along with calls from my aunt, and he didn't contact them back either. One of my cousin's messages was simply inviting him to the ceremony & asking him to at least call him back to confirm if he couldn't make it. He still didn't call. And again, there's been no fight here or anything. It's just how he gets. As I've said before, he doesn't handle emotional things very well at all.[/understatement]
When I talked to my cousin about it, he was like, "I think my dad was still waiting for him to show up at the hospital" and told me my dad had just basically stopped talking to him for a while now. I had thought he had cut that out after the email my uncle sent him (and told me about last year), but according to my cousin that lasted only roughly a week or so. Then he went back to hermit-mode. I asked my aunt about it though, and she said they did still hear from him sometimes, but there was a significant pause before she answered, and the use of the word "sometimes" kinda made me feel like she was trying to avoid making him look bad in my eyes. Especially since she did nod slightly (probably unintentionally) when I repeated her son's words back at her.
It was a good experience though, despite the overwhelmingness of some of it, if for no other reason than it allowed me to see my younger cousin (Adam) again for the first time in a long, long while. He & his brother don't get along, and he's been in a lot of legal trouble over the last few years + he tends to hide in his room or leave the house when family events happen. We've never been particularly close, but he gave me a big hug as I was leaving, thanked me for coming, and made me promise to get his number from his friend (who drove me to the local max station), saying I could come over sometime & he'd make dinner. He was drunk at the time, so I'm not sure how much of it was really him, but it was nice. It's the only time I think I've ever seen him cry either.
Oddly, I got a weird vibe from my other cousin though. I'm chalking it up to grieving-brings-out-unpredictable-stuff, but he just seemed way more distant to me than usual. Enough to where I wondered if he was unhappy with me over something, but that wouldn't make any sense.
Anyway, that's all about that for now. I'm sure there's probably more I could say, but I think this is a good place to stop.
5. I've been having a lot of family dreams again. In one I got so angry with my mother for insulting me that I grabbed onto her hair & pulled as hard as I could--that was kind of disturbing, the level of anger I felt, even if it was in a dream. In another, I was trying to tell her & my sister again about Joe, about the criminal records I found, and their reaction was just to laugh & belittle the credibility of the whole thing. Then I carried on, like "what about [insert thing here]", one effed-up example after another, and THAT got a reaction. My sister got in my face, upset, but I just kept going. It still didn't matter though. Like, I knew it wouldn't matter. Nothing would change.
Most of the other dreams have been about me finding myself living with them again, stuck in a bedroom COVERED in junk, thinking to myself how I have to get out of there & move back into my apartment but not being able to. Ugh. CUT IT OUT, SUBCONSCIOUS.
At least my dreams are carrying on the weird-ass recurring animal theme though. That's always fun. I fled a Grizzly Bear down a mountainside the other night. I should've tossed it a pic-a-nic basket.
For my Vid of the Day, I'm gonna share one bychaila43 from a series I've recced here before (the rest of which you can find here). All three are based around the women & mysticism of BSG. This one focuses on Athena & Hera, specifically. I love the song, and the part around the 1:30 mark actually gave me a little chill the first time I saw it. Good stuff.
teachlikeroslin got me to check out Rizzoli & Isles a couple days ago. The show itself isn't especially amazing, at least not what I've seen so far anyway, but the two leads? Whoa, nellie. THE SLASHYNESS, CAP'N. I DON'T HAVE THE POWERRR.I mean, honestly, look at the promo:
Best part? The two top comments:
Hahaha. For real though! I watched two episodes, and by the end I was like "UM, THEY ARE CUTE, AND THEY NEED TO HAVE THE SEX. LIKE NOW, PREFERABLY." I'm just saying.
2. I watched "Islanded in a Stream of Stars" today. I kinda forgot how damned sweet Adama & Roslin are toward the end. I still flail a bit when he talks about "his women." Aww.
3. Got a fic rec for you guys: When the Time Comes by
kungfuwaynewho. I like the idea of Laura having the Opera House visions as a kid, but not being able to fully remember them -- just being left sort of ~haunted~ afterward. It works for me, especially because of how the writer describes it.4.
I found myself actually really not wanting to go before-hand. I had said I'd make my peanut butter cup cookies, and I even bought the necessary stuff, but couldn't muster up the motivation for that either. Kinda makes me think of this bit by Bill Burr:
Heh. And I know I'm making light of it, but really. Sometimes the little things get to you so bad.
It was also the whole "I'm about to be surrounded by heavy emotions for the next several hours" deal. Despite it being a "celebration of life," it's not like it was gonna be a freaking Birthday party, y'know? Someone is dead. Dress it up however you like, it's still a bunch of people standing around together, awkwardly trying to talk (or not talk) about someone who's not coming back. And considering it took place in his house, I was even more aware of that fact.
I did go though, and I paid over $40 to do so, since I took a cab. I didn't cry or anything, but I did feel close to it a few times. First because of the quote on the invitation (which apparently came from him. "We survive through others' memories of us. As long as you remember me I will always be with you.") and again from seeing a recent picture of him, bald, smiling, & holding his grandson. It was right by the living room, which is where I'd normally expect to find him, were he still alive. I think that's one of the worst things about mourning--seeing their belongings, how it's like you irrationally expect them to still be there, and they're not, and that somehow makes it even worse. Like, they SHOULD be there, but they're not. It shouldn't be real that this person you've always known would just suddenly be gone, like poof!, & never, ever coming back. But it is. That's how it goes.
It might've been better if I had cried, but I'm not sure if it would've made a difference. I just know I got REALLY sick. I came home & threw up like you wouldn't believe. I think being in the heat, around so many people, so much noise, so much smoke (not just cigarette smoke, but weed too -- it is my family we're talking about here. I didn't have any though, and I didn't drink either. Most everyone else was drunk or at least buzzed by the time I left), and so much emotion, so much EVERYTHING really, was too much for me. I took the bus home, and I swear, just the noise from the other passengers talking (and the inevitable screaming toddler) + my stomach roiling was enough to make me come *thisclose* to a panic attack, like getmeoutofheregetmeoutofhereaghh. Thankfully I've had a lot of practice at keeping myself calm in those types of situations though. But it was really hard, especially because my stomach REALLY fucking hurt, and I was legit afraid of upchucking on someone's lap.
I'll admit that it bothered me to be around so much smoking too (the cigarettes, that is). Kind of pissed me off, frankly. I mean, okay, I get it, they're addicted, but my uncle JUST died from lung cancer. COULD YOU TAKE A DAY OFF? I just really didn't want to be around it (especially because it makes me feel sick. Always has). When the day started, they were going to the side of the house to do it, but by the end they were smoking in the backyard and there was no way to avoid it without sitting by yourself inside the house & being all anti-social. And the drinking too, ugh. I just, yeah. The thing is, I hate interacting with drunk people when I'm sober. HATE it. I love drunk people in fictional worlds; it's fun then. But IRL? NO. No, thank you.
Case in point as to why: I found myself in a heated debate shortly before I left with a guy I didn't even know, who was going off about how "addictive personalities" don't really exist & how "junkies" who drink too much/do drugs/etc are just the less-cautious types who "go after life!" & that to say anything else is somehow "a posteriori logic" (which btw he kept mispronouncing. BONUS) & bla bla BULLSHIT bla bla. He was clearly super inebriated (slurring his words, red-eyed, the whole shebang), which should've been reason enough for me to ignore everything he said, but I pretty much got triggered. I did hold myself back more than I would've in years past--when I was young, I was feisty as shit. It didn't matter who you were or where we were. If I thought you were wrong about something, I'd say so--but I still let myself get dragged in enough to be annoyed afterward for quite a while. I could've just quickly changed the subject & avoided hearing most of his stupid-ass opinions (or should I say "research" as he was one of those "I've studied this topic for many years!"-types. Like, ohhh, okay. Were you studying it in a bar while getting shitfaced? SHUT YOUR HOLE). The debate got sidetracked before it could get too intense though, fortunately, but I did almost lose it at one point, ngl. "Lose it" in the sense of coming close to drawing attention, I mean. As it was, I think the worst point I reached was calling him naive. Heh. I mean, not directly, but indirectly. I called one of his opinions naive. Luckily he, and everyone else, was too out of it though to even catch the slip.
Aside from that, however, the company was good. I felt extremely awkward when I first arrived, because I didn't know almost anyone, and it's sometimes hard for me to know how to mingle in situations like that. You end up just standing at the periphery of the crowd, like, "anywayyyyy, can I go now?" It's something that's been on my mind lately, too, because it comes up for me at every ACA meeting. Afterward, people hang around & talk, and it's like they somehow instantly form these little groups of two or more, chatting, and I'm like, "HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT HAPPEN?!" I'll just be standing there, again, not knowing what I'm supposed to do. I tend to do better at parties when I'm either with someone who knows others (and can introduce me/won't mind me stalking them like a shadow until I relax) or at an event with a structured set of activities, where everyone's involved in the same thing (e.g. a babyshower where you play games together. Things like that). I have gotten better though since going to so many meetup groups, but it's still something I sometimes struggle with. At least the observational-fear aspect of my social anxiety isn't as bad though. I still get self-conscious & nervous walking in front of others or lifting my hand to drink/eat if someone's watching, but it's way better than it used to be.
There was one lady I enjoyed talking to quite a bit. Not only because I thought she was pretty (what? Just being honest here. Heh), but because as she was leaving, after she'd already told me goodbye, she turned back around again & added, "You're beautiful." I should've been like, "Flattery will get you everywhere, my dear." Not really the place for pick-ups though. Heh. Plus I'm pretty sure she was married, not to mention at least a decade older than me. Razzlefrat.
Otherwise, I saw a friend of the family (and his kids) whom I hadn't seen in probably at least ten years. That was interesting. I also saw another friend of the family who popped up sometimes while I was growing up, and who went to high school with not only my uncle, but also my father & mother. Crazy.
On a funny note, the following exchange occurred at least three times while I was there:
Random person: …Wait, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
Me: Um, 29?
Random person: YOU DO NOT LOOK 29. I thought you were like 17 or 18!
Me: I know. That's what everyone says.
Random person: You're gonna get carded when you're like 35! OMG.
Seriously. At least three times.
As expected, my sister wasn't there. My cousin Abram said he sent a message out to family members on facebook, so I'm assuming she was invited (that's how I assumed she found out about the death in the first place, so, yeah), but we didn't talk about it any further than that.
I got asked several times if I'd talked to my dad since it happened, which as you all know I haven't. Turns out my cousin called & left him three messages, along with calls from my aunt, and he didn't contact them back either. One of my cousin's messages was simply inviting him to the ceremony & asking him to at least call him back to confirm if he couldn't make it. He still didn't call. And again, there's been no fight here or anything. It's just how he gets. As I've said before, he doesn't handle emotional things very well at all.[/understatement]
When I talked to my cousin about it, he was like, "I think my dad was still waiting for him to show up at the hospital" and told me my dad had just basically stopped talking to him for a while now. I had thought he had cut that out after the email my uncle sent him (and told me about last year), but according to my cousin that lasted only roughly a week or so. Then he went back to hermit-mode. I asked my aunt about it though, and she said they did still hear from him sometimes, but there was a significant pause before she answered, and the use of the word "sometimes" kinda made me feel like she was trying to avoid making him look bad in my eyes. Especially since she did nod slightly (probably unintentionally) when I repeated her son's words back at her.
It was a good experience though, despite the overwhelmingness of some of it, if for no other reason than it allowed me to see my younger cousin (Adam) again for the first time in a long, long while. He & his brother don't get along, and he's been in a lot of legal trouble over the last few years + he tends to hide in his room or leave the house when family events happen. We've never been particularly close, but he gave me a big hug as I was leaving, thanked me for coming, and made me promise to get his number from his friend (who drove me to the local max station), saying I could come over sometime & he'd make dinner. He was drunk at the time, so I'm not sure how much of it was really him, but it was nice. It's the only time I think I've ever seen him cry either.
Oddly, I got a weird vibe from my other cousin though. I'm chalking it up to grieving-brings-out-unpredictable-stuff, but he just seemed way more distant to me than usual. Enough to where I wondered if he was unhappy with me over something, but that wouldn't make any sense.
Anyway, that's all about that for now. I'm sure there's probably more I could say, but I think this is a good place to stop.
5. I've been having a lot of family dreams again. In one I got so angry with my mother for insulting me that I grabbed onto her hair & pulled as hard as I could--that was kind of disturbing, the level of anger I felt, even if it was in a dream. In another, I was trying to tell her & my sister again about Joe, about the criminal records I found, and their reaction was just to laugh & belittle the credibility of the whole thing. Then I carried on, like "what about [insert thing here]", one effed-up example after another, and THAT got a reaction. My sister got in my face, upset, but I just kept going. It still didn't matter though. Like, I knew it wouldn't matter. Nothing would change.
Most of the other dreams have been about me finding myself living with them again, stuck in a bedroom COVERED in junk, thinking to myself how I have to get out of there & move back into my apartment but not being able to. Ugh. CUT IT OUT, SUBCONSCIOUS.
At least my dreams are carrying on the weird-ass recurring animal theme though. That's always fun. I fled a Grizzly Bear down a mountainside the other night. I should've tossed it a pic-a-nic basket.
For my Vid of the Day, I'm gonna share one by
chaila43 from a series I've recced here before (the rest of which you can find here). All three are based around the women & mysticism of BSG. This one focuses on Athena & Hera, specifically. I love the song, and the part around the 1:30 mark actually gave me a little chill the first time I saw it. Good stuff.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-11 02:10 pm (UTC)On another note, I've only been to a few wakes in my day. One for my great aunt and the other for my grandma. And, for my grandma, my mom was the point person for everything because she was the only daughter so I was always around for everything and . . . I hated it. It was incredibly awkward and depressing because there was, like, no escaping the fact that she had died. It didn't help that I regretted my relationship with her. (I'm weirdly shy with my family. I'm great talking to people I've just met but I can't, for some reason, be that way around these people I've known my whole life, so I never had the relationship with her that my cousins did.) There was a lot of crying.
It didn't sound as stressful as what you described, though. Probably has to do with family culture. We're good Irish Catholics but there were no overt displays of drunk or high. However, my mom's best friend's brother died last year and she went to the wake/funeral and my mom's friends kids (I think the son is now 21 and the daughter is 23) got high with the deceased's son at his request. They are a family with a history of smoking a joint a time or two so it was their "ode" to him.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-11 09:23 pm (UTC)Probably has to do with family culture. We're good Irish Catholics but there were no overt displays of drunk or high
This is true. My dad's side of the family is less WASPy than my mom's side, which is funny because I think my dad would fit right in with the WASPy crowd when it comes to repressed emotions. Honestly though, it's not like it was what I'd call a Stressful Event, in the sense of anything super horrible happening or whatever. It was just a combination of things for me.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-11 06:50 pm (UTC)Didn't get around to Rizzoli and Isles yet, I've seen it around my flist, so I'm guessing I should give it a try.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-11 09:28 pm (UTC)It seems like one of those easy-entertainment type shows. Nothing Emmy-worthy, but still fun. I've only seen two eps so far though, so I might like it more or less as time goes by. We'll see.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-13 06:34 pm (UTC)(ETA - By which I mean 'girlfriends' in the relationship sense, not the 'close female friend' meaning that some people use. Just realised that could be confusing!)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-14 10:54 pm (UTC)Ugh, I hate when people say "girlfriends" in reference to female friends. I ALWAYS get confused.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-19 06:48 am (UTC)Turn your rainbow on and enjoy. :-)
ETA: As a lovely visual help, I'd like to rec this post: Top Ten ‘How Is This Not A Gay Show?’ Scenes [Rizzoli & Isles] => http://www.rophydoes.com/the-fandom/rophy-trophies/top-ten-how-is-this-not-a-gay-show-scenes-rizzoli-isles/
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-21 09:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-23 08:33 pm (UTC)I love Rophy recaps.
TORTOISES ARE THE NEW RAINBOWS. ;-)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-07-23 08:50 pm (UTC)