![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82Random, but: credit goes to Stephen Colbert for my subject heading today. It amused me too much not to share, particularly as I'm queer, liberal, and on a gluten-free diet. Heh. Mother's Day has been causing me a pretty heavy amount of sadness & stress, despite my age-old efforts to just be F.I.N.E.! (i.e. frantic, insecure, neurotic, & emotional -- tm keenai), so I'll take amusement wherever I can find it.
At least I'm more in touch with the sadness now though, which sounds like a weird thing to be grateful for, but it's better than Option B: spending my day feeling like a frayed live wire and only vaguely side-eyeing the real reason why. It's hard though because my urge is to run *away* from the sadness, getting even more irritated when it doesn't work; yet, as my counselor put it, I'm not going to feel good tomorrow. Point blank. So I might as well let it be. Even when I try to avoid those feelings, they come out in anger or in my subconscious anyway.
Case in point, I had a dream last night that my mom had come back to life, and I knew she was still going to die soon enough, but I was SO RELIEVED that we'd have the chance to do it "right" this time. We could find proper closure, spend time together, get questions answered, and so forth. Then (while still in the dream, mind you) I "woke up" and realized it hadn't been real, and I just bawled helplessly, losing my balance & falling everywhere & calling out for my sister who wasn't even there. The night before that, I dreamed I was at my dad's old house, and I was being forced in some way to leave, and I was trying to pack up all my stuff except there were too many things--piles of clothes, old stuffed animals, etc--and I couldn't get myself to leave them behind. I've had that dream multiple times now. I'm pretty sure I know what it means (rejection & loss), kinda like how I know what my recurring dreams about doors that won't stay locked means; I just don't know how to stop dreaming about it besides continuing to work on acceptance (yay, my favorite thing![/sarcasm]). And, really, the second dream isn't related to the first, except maybe in a way it is. Because mourning my mother would be at least a little easier, I think, if I weren't mourning my still-living father simultaneously.
The worst part about this holiday is that there are so few ways to escape it. I go to my campus & there are signs for vendors selling Mother's Day jewelry at 25% off -- her style of jewelry even. I turn on my TV and every other ad I see is for flowers. I take the bus downtown & pass by a church with a big sign that reads, "Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while but hold their hearts forever," and I have to hold back tears. Meanwhile my anger just builds & builds to where I want to crazily walk into the church & be like, "DON'T YOU KNOW SOME OF US DON'T HAVE OUR MOTHERS ANYMORE? WHERE'S OUR SUPPORT? THANKS A LOT & FUCK YOU!"
One thing that did make me feel slightly better was that I donated twenty bucks to NAMI in her name. So that was my version of a gift this year, and my way of participating. I'd like to continue the tradition going forward, I think, donating to a different charity each year.
I was going to talk about other stuff in this entry too, but I'm hitting a mental block. So I'm going to go play some video games instead. Speaking of, here's an amusing parody of the song "Video Games" by Lana Del Rey. Don't get me wrong, I love the majority of her music & this song, but I could totally make fun of her all day. Heh. She's an easy target.
keenai), so I'll take amusement wherever I can find it.At least I'm more in touch with the sadness now though, which sounds like a weird thing to be grateful for, but it's better than Option B: spending my day feeling like a frayed live wire and only vaguely side-eyeing the real reason why. It's hard though because my urge is to run *away* from the sadness, getting even more irritated when it doesn't work; yet, as my counselor put it, I'm not going to feel good tomorrow. Point blank. So I might as well let it be. Even when I try to avoid those feelings, they come out in anger or in my subconscious anyway.
Case in point, I had a dream last night that my mom had come back to life, and I knew she was still going to die soon enough, but I was SO RELIEVED that we'd have the chance to do it "right" this time. We could find proper closure, spend time together, get questions answered, and so forth. Then (while still in the dream, mind you) I "woke up" and realized it hadn't been real, and I just bawled helplessly, losing my balance & falling everywhere & calling out for my sister who wasn't even there. The night before that, I dreamed I was at my dad's old house, and I was being forced in some way to leave, and I was trying to pack up all my stuff except there were too many things--piles of clothes, old stuffed animals, etc--and I couldn't get myself to leave them behind. I've had that dream multiple times now. I'm pretty sure I know what it means (rejection & loss), kinda like how I know what my recurring dreams about doors that won't stay locked means; I just don't know how to stop dreaming about it besides continuing to work on acceptance (yay, my favorite thing![/sarcasm]). And, really, the second dream isn't related to the first, except maybe in a way it is. Because mourning my mother would be at least a little easier, I think, if I weren't mourning my still-living father simultaneously.
The worst part about this holiday is that there are so few ways to escape it. I go to my campus & there are signs for vendors selling Mother's Day jewelry at 25% off -- her style of jewelry even. I turn on my TV and every other ad I see is for flowers. I take the bus downtown & pass by a church with a big sign that reads, "Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while but hold their hearts forever," and I have to hold back tears. Meanwhile my anger just builds & builds to where I want to crazily walk into the church & be like, "DON'T YOU KNOW SOME OF US DON'T HAVE OUR MOTHERS ANYMORE? WHERE'S OUR SUPPORT? THANKS A LOT & FUCK YOU!"
One thing that did make me feel slightly better was that I donated twenty bucks to NAMI in her name. So that was my version of a gift this year, and my way of participating. I'd like to continue the tradition going forward, I think, donating to a different charity each year.
I was going to talk about other stuff in this entry too, but I'm hitting a mental block. So I'm going to go play some video games instead. Speaking of, here's an amusing parody of the song "Video Games" by Lana Del Rey. Don't get me wrong, I love the majority of her music & this song, but I could totally make fun of her all day. Heh. She's an easy target.
