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Nov. 25th, 2002 04:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82I think this entry is more personal journal-RachaelRambling than most of the ones I've written before. Very much like the types of entries I used to write in my private one (with an actual paper and pen! Heh). So if you're all "Dude, stream of consciousness much?" then, yeah.
I do this every night. I sit here, thinking about going to bed, but not doing it. Thinking about what else I could occupy myself with, but not even doing any of those things. Instead, I sit here, and it's sort of just like Thinking Time. Every now and then, I'll refresh a page or two, checking to see if anyone is having a Rachael Night and isn't in bed either, or perhaps a furriner has updated their LJ or posted at meta. And, like, my brain? Half-asleep. If I gave my body a chance, it would probably be able to fall asleep too. But I don't. I wait until I am absolutely falling asleep, sitting up. Then I go to bed. I do this even when I've only had like five hours sleep the night before (like last night, for instance. And I sleep like a bear in hibernation, yo. I'm no light sleeper, who gets five hours a night and feels rested. I don't go to bed, I GO TO BED. Heh. The caps seem to express it more clearly, you see). I've always been this way, overall, but every once in a while it strikes me as a curious thing. I mean, what's up with me, anyway? Why the resistance to going to bed? God, I'm weird. I wonder if a little of it, is that when you're lying in bed, it really is just you and your thoughts. There's nothing to distract you. At least when I'm sitting in front of the computer, or the TV or what have you, they're kept at bay. But once I get in bed, there they are. So I stay up until I'm two seconds away from drooling on the keyboard. Huh. Mystery solved then, I guess.
I've always been a night person, though. Always. So, it's not just that I'm looking to distract myself until I physically can't keep my eyes open any longer. I like the night-time. My body clock has always seemed to want to have me be up late. Lately, though, I've been staying up later than I ever used to. It probably means nothing, but I wonder.
My moods are kind of all over the place, these days. And, while I know I'm doing better than how I was--say, a year ago--I wonder sometimes if some of it is just cover. Like, good moods, sure, but focusing only on them, and distracting myself from anything under the surface that still exists. Does that make sense? Perhaps I shouldn't try to make sense at five in the morning. Unfortunately, this is the time when I tend to reflect on such matters.
See, the thing with me is I tend to push things down and away. I complain a lot, and bitch a lot, but none of it is really very significant. It's to blow off steam, and I'm sure most of you know I enjoy a good rage-filled rant every now and then. But it's like I'm a train, chugging along, and the whining and bitching is the steam that shoots out occasionally. There's still all that other energy harnessed below the surface, and the steam only keeps the whole thing from like exploding or whatever. With LJ friends, though, obviously a lot more comes out, than in RL. Like way, WAY more. But, like, in general, I typically tuck emotions down deep, so that they don't peek out inappropriately and show themselves to others. And I distract myself with people, and things, and sort of act like I'm not aware of the deeper issues that are all piling up around me. I personify the "I'll worry about it tomorrow" thing. Except it's not wholly true. I obsess and worry myself to the point of insanity, but the rest of the time, everything gets pushed to the side as much as possible. I don't face stressful things--or my own real emotional well-being--until they're surrounding me and I'm overwhelmed or something. I mean, it's amazing the degree to which I've done that in the past. I could go into detail, but that would so be a whole other entry, like, major Story-Time. Anyway, my point is that I've learned I have to try and keep a real eye on myself. Not just accept the "Sure, I'm okay" thing, and be like "Wait, am I really okay?" And I don't know how to answer that. Because it's like, I think I am, but there's all these things weighing down on me that I just don't know how to resolve.
And, if I start thinking about all of it--the state of my life and my future--I feel like walls are closing in on me. The fact is, I don't know what I want to major in, I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't know how I'll pay for college or how long it will take to finish, I haven't even really decided for absolute certain that I will transfer to PSU. I don't know when I'll get my license, or how much longer it will take to get this stupid car trouble bullshit worked out (long story). I don't know if I will be still at the same job a year from now. I know I need to eventually do the full-time thing, but when? Do I wait till I have my license, so my options for where I work will be easier to have open? Where would I work full-time, anyway? And when? I don't know when I will move out. I don't know when I will have RL friends again, or if I ever will. I don't know if I will ever find love, or when that will happen, or how. So, in the meantime, what can I do? I try not to think about it all. I do what I can do, with small steps. But, knowing the way I am, knowing how I'm apt to let lots of little issues become massively big ones while I'm not looking. . .ugh.
Also? Honestly, I get lonely. Like, chest aching, throat closing in, lonely. Missing old friends so, so much. Feeling so alone and removed from the world. Feeling like any sense of importance or connection I think I have with others is imagined, and I'm going to be officially alone sooner or later. It's really only a matter of time.
So, there's all that background shit. But I figure, hey, life sucks, what can you do? I just keep telling myself "Keep moving, keep going." Like a shark that will die if it stops swimming. Keep working, save money, and it will all work itself out in the end. At least I'm getting by, and I know I'm not depressed like I used to be. But who the Hell knows what I am, now. I mean, dude, my standards are probably kind of fucked up. When in my life have I ever been what "healthy, normal, shiny, happy people" are supposed to be like? As a kid, I had recurring, melodramatic little daydreams about running away to the hills and just disappearing. I had no vision of life after that, though, so I guess that was like my child's version of wanting to die. I don't know. And, growing up, I constantly heard "I should just jump off a bridge" from my Mom. All the time. I remember very clearly telling her why she shouldn't, as a child. Like, sitting in the Dairy Queen Drive-Thru, probably ten, all "You have reasons to live, Mom! You do!", all arguing with her. I'm really not the type to blame things on the past, or on others, but it makes sense to me that being raised in an atmosphere where your Mother constantly comments on how pointless and miserable life is would affect you in some way. Don't you think? Like, I knew it wasn't really great, or totally normal, but hearing it all the time, it also wasn't that abnormal. And, having those thoughts myself, well, just made it seem all the more average and "no big deal"-ish. All in all, suicidal thoughts became this "normal" thing to me. But, really, they're not supposed to be. I mean, right? So, you would think that--if I were really okay now--I wouldn't ever have them, right? Or no? I don't even know. And, it's not like I'm actually considering it now, or feeling like I could do anything to myself. Which is one huge example of how I'm better than I used to be. Really. But, the thoughts still jump up fairly often. Like, almost of their own volition. I'll be having a moment of non-distraction and loneliness, or thinking about my future and feeling overwhelmed and panicky, or depressed and moody about whatever, and there the thought will be. Not even a clearly defined thought, really, just the concept, I guess. The knowledge that it's on my mind. Not as something to do right now, but just. . .there. Looming. Sometimes as a thing that might have to happen eventually, because there will be no other option. Then I catch myself and quickly change the mental subject. And I'm honestly wondering, is that just something that's kind of normal for people who have lived with depression? That the thought is always there? Is it something that isn't even that big a deal? It seems like it should be considered a big deal, but even at my "happiest" times of life that I can think of, the thoughts were still always there. So, again, I don't know if my standards are twisted.
I don't know. I am better now than I was a year ago. For sure. But sometimes, I'm not so confident about my "okay-ness." I suppose that's okay. I mean, who wouldn't probably get sad or overwhelmed and all, being me, in my life? Which is not a boo-hoo statement. I mean it like it makes sense, in other words. So, you just accept that life sucks, get sad, and then move on. I guess I just don't want to repeat the mistakes I've made in the past. "It makes sense to feel this way, considering the shit in my life right now. It's okay. I'll just keep going to school, keep working, whatever. As soon as life gets better, so will all the rest of this" is exactly what I said to myself as I slipped into deep depression the last few years, and had a lovely nervous breakdown. I don't want that to happen again, while I'm not looking. But, I take medication now, I can--and have no reservations anymore about doing so (whereas I used to)--see a doctor should the need arise, so if signs started popping up more, I could do things about it, right? Right.
I feel like there's so much up in my crazy, little head right now, but I'm going to end this entry now and leave the rest for another time, if the desire to ramble at (oh, look at the clock, time flies when you're having fun) six in the morning visits again.
Thanks for reading the insane stream of consciousness that is my writing, though, if you made it. Heh.
I do this every night. I sit here, thinking about going to bed, but not doing it. Thinking about what else I could occupy myself with, but not even doing any of those things. Instead, I sit here, and it's sort of just like Thinking Time. Every now and then, I'll refresh a page or two, checking to see if anyone is having a Rachael Night and isn't in bed either, or perhaps a furriner has updated their LJ or posted at meta. And, like, my brain? Half-asleep. If I gave my body a chance, it would probably be able to fall asleep too. But I don't. I wait until I am absolutely falling asleep, sitting up. Then I go to bed. I do this even when I've only had like five hours sleep the night before (like last night, for instance. And I sleep like a bear in hibernation, yo. I'm no light sleeper, who gets five hours a night and feels rested. I don't go to bed, I GO TO BED. Heh. The caps seem to express it more clearly, you see). I've always been this way, overall, but every once in a while it strikes me as a curious thing. I mean, what's up with me, anyway? Why the resistance to going to bed? God, I'm weird. I wonder if a little of it, is that when you're lying in bed, it really is just you and your thoughts. There's nothing to distract you. At least when I'm sitting in front of the computer, or the TV or what have you, they're kept at bay. But once I get in bed, there they are. So I stay up until I'm two seconds away from drooling on the keyboard. Huh. Mystery solved then, I guess.
I've always been a night person, though. Always. So, it's not just that I'm looking to distract myself until I physically can't keep my eyes open any longer. I like the night-time. My body clock has always seemed to want to have me be up late. Lately, though, I've been staying up later than I ever used to. It probably means nothing, but I wonder.
My moods are kind of all over the place, these days. And, while I know I'm doing better than how I was--say, a year ago--I wonder sometimes if some of it is just cover. Like, good moods, sure, but focusing only on them, and distracting myself from anything under the surface that still exists. Does that make sense? Perhaps I shouldn't try to make sense at five in the morning. Unfortunately, this is the time when I tend to reflect on such matters.
See, the thing with me is I tend to push things down and away. I complain a lot, and bitch a lot, but none of it is really very significant. It's to blow off steam, and I'm sure most of you know I enjoy a good rage-filled rant every now and then. But it's like I'm a train, chugging along, and the whining and bitching is the steam that shoots out occasionally. There's still all that other energy harnessed below the surface, and the steam only keeps the whole thing from like exploding or whatever. With LJ friends, though, obviously a lot more comes out, than in RL. Like way, WAY more. But, like, in general, I typically tuck emotions down deep, so that they don't peek out inappropriately and show themselves to others. And I distract myself with people, and things, and sort of act like I'm not aware of the deeper issues that are all piling up around me. I personify the "I'll worry about it tomorrow" thing. Except it's not wholly true. I obsess and worry myself to the point of insanity, but the rest of the time, everything gets pushed to the side as much as possible. I don't face stressful things--or my own real emotional well-being--until they're surrounding me and I'm overwhelmed or something. I mean, it's amazing the degree to which I've done that in the past. I could go into detail, but that would so be a whole other entry, like, major Story-Time. Anyway, my point is that I've learned I have to try and keep a real eye on myself. Not just accept the "Sure, I'm okay" thing, and be like "Wait, am I really okay?" And I don't know how to answer that. Because it's like, I think I am, but there's all these things weighing down on me that I just don't know how to resolve.
And, if I start thinking about all of it--the state of my life and my future--I feel like walls are closing in on me. The fact is, I don't know what I want to major in, I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't know how I'll pay for college or how long it will take to finish, I haven't even really decided for absolute certain that I will transfer to PSU. I don't know when I'll get my license, or how much longer it will take to get this stupid car trouble bullshit worked out (long story). I don't know if I will be still at the same job a year from now. I know I need to eventually do the full-time thing, but when? Do I wait till I have my license, so my options for where I work will be easier to have open? Where would I work full-time, anyway? And when? I don't know when I will move out. I don't know when I will have RL friends again, or if I ever will. I don't know if I will ever find love, or when that will happen, or how. So, in the meantime, what can I do? I try not to think about it all. I do what I can do, with small steps. But, knowing the way I am, knowing how I'm apt to let lots of little issues become massively big ones while I'm not looking. . .ugh.
Also? Honestly, I get lonely. Like, chest aching, throat closing in, lonely. Missing old friends so, so much. Feeling so alone and removed from the world. Feeling like any sense of importance or connection I think I have with others is imagined, and I'm going to be officially alone sooner or later. It's really only a matter of time.
So, there's all that background shit. But I figure, hey, life sucks, what can you do? I just keep telling myself "Keep moving, keep going." Like a shark that will die if it stops swimming. Keep working, save money, and it will all work itself out in the end. At least I'm getting by, and I know I'm not depressed like I used to be. But who the Hell knows what I am, now. I mean, dude, my standards are probably kind of fucked up. When in my life have I ever been what "healthy, normal, shiny, happy people" are supposed to be like? As a kid, I had recurring, melodramatic little daydreams about running away to the hills and just disappearing. I had no vision of life after that, though, so I guess that was like my child's version of wanting to die. I don't know. And, growing up, I constantly heard "I should just jump off a bridge" from my Mom. All the time. I remember very clearly telling her why she shouldn't, as a child. Like, sitting in the Dairy Queen Drive-Thru, probably ten, all "You have reasons to live, Mom! You do!", all arguing with her. I'm really not the type to blame things on the past, or on others, but it makes sense to me that being raised in an atmosphere where your Mother constantly comments on how pointless and miserable life is would affect you in some way. Don't you think? Like, I knew it wasn't really great, or totally normal, but hearing it all the time, it also wasn't that abnormal. And, having those thoughts myself, well, just made it seem all the more average and "no big deal"-ish. All in all, suicidal thoughts became this "normal" thing to me. But, really, they're not supposed to be. I mean, right? So, you would think that--if I were really okay now--I wouldn't ever have them, right? Or no? I don't even know. And, it's not like I'm actually considering it now, or feeling like I could do anything to myself. Which is one huge example of how I'm better than I used to be. Really. But, the thoughts still jump up fairly often. Like, almost of their own volition. I'll be having a moment of non-distraction and loneliness, or thinking about my future and feeling overwhelmed and panicky, or depressed and moody about whatever, and there the thought will be. Not even a clearly defined thought, really, just the concept, I guess. The knowledge that it's on my mind. Not as something to do right now, but just. . .there. Looming. Sometimes as a thing that might have to happen eventually, because there will be no other option. Then I catch myself and quickly change the mental subject. And I'm honestly wondering, is that just something that's kind of normal for people who have lived with depression? That the thought is always there? Is it something that isn't even that big a deal? It seems like it should be considered a big deal, but even at my "happiest" times of life that I can think of, the thoughts were still always there. So, again, I don't know if my standards are twisted.
I don't know. I am better now than I was a year ago. For sure. But sometimes, I'm not so confident about my "okay-ness." I suppose that's okay. I mean, who wouldn't probably get sad or overwhelmed and all, being me, in my life? Which is not a boo-hoo statement. I mean it like it makes sense, in other words. So, you just accept that life sucks, get sad, and then move on. I guess I just don't want to repeat the mistakes I've made in the past. "It makes sense to feel this way, considering the shit in my life right now. It's okay. I'll just keep going to school, keep working, whatever. As soon as life gets better, so will all the rest of this" is exactly what I said to myself as I slipped into deep depression the last few years, and had a lovely nervous breakdown. I don't want that to happen again, while I'm not looking. But, I take medication now, I can--and have no reservations anymore about doing so (whereas I used to)--see a doctor should the need arise, so if signs started popping up more, I could do things about it, right? Right.
I feel like there's so much up in my crazy, little head right now, but I'm going to end this entry now and leave the rest for another time, if the desire to ramble at (oh, look at the clock, time flies when you're having fun) six in the morning visits again.
Thanks for reading the insane stream of consciousness that is my writing, though, if you made it. Heh.
