If you can take it, you can make it
Jan. 1st, 2015 10:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82Hey, guys. As has become my tradition over the last decade, it's time for my Year in Review post, which--for any newbies to my journal--is made up of excerpts of quotes from entries I wrote or videotaped (both private & public) throughout the year. I tried cutting out as much repetition as I could while still leaving enough to represent what the year was like for me. As a heads-up, it looks longer than it is, because I included a bunch of big pictures & a couple short vids of the kids. But, like I say every year, while I created this post with my friends potentially reading it in mind, it's also mostly for me, so I can look back at 2014 years from now, and hopefully see progress that's been made and remember the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I usually like to look back & talk about what the year meant to me in these posts, but as you guys know, I'm kind of in a dark space there still. All I can come up with is that hopefully these experiences will help me help others in the future. And of course there are some good memories here as well. I'll never forget my Disneyland trip with my sister & the kids, for instance. As much money as that cost, I'll never regret splurging on it. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Overall, here's hoping 2015 is better than 2014, yeah? Not just for me, but for all of us, and the world.
Jan. 18th: "My sister's house continues to deliver on the creepy front…she was in the living room tonight talking with Izzie when they both heard a loud bang coming from Jayden's room…it was something FLYING off his bookshelf & hitting a wall…
…I had another endoscopy last week…I'm going to have yet another dilation next week…
…my psychiatrist raised my dose of Seroquel from 150 mg to 300, and I'll be stopping the Risperdal in its place tonight…
…I officially got accepted to Portland State University to start in the fall, woo woo."
Feb. 6th: "So this is what I woke up to this morning:
At this point my campus was already closing, and there was a twenty car pile-up on the freeway…
…the psych results [Jayden] got showed traits of Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Social Anxiety Disorder…my sister asked him…how often he feels anxious, and he told her "all the time" before amending it to "more often than not."
…[Jay & Izzie] had a couple good sibling moments lately…One night they had a "sleepover" in Jayden's room with sleeping bags & a movie…
…I talked to Nanny…and…she complimented me…talked about how she thinks I'm good at knowing how to take care of myself, and…how I was always smart, but when I was a child I felt the need to SHOW everyone how smart I was (haha, true), and now she thinks I've learned to listen to other people more. I don't know what prompted the compliment, but I appreciated it.
…I turned 32 in January, and my sister threw a cute little party for me with her kids. I even had a princess hat, hee…
I got my first ever cell phone…now I feel less like an Amish person…
My pyschiatrist rose my dose of wellbutrin to 300 mgs…I hate playing the medication balance game so much."
Feb. 9th: "…back in August of 2010 I told myself I'd at least keep living either until the end of the year or the first snowfall (if there was one), because I wanted to see what the trails would look like in the snow, and this marked me finally coming full circle on that."
Feb. 24th: "I've been thinking of working the ACA steps, but I anticipate that I'll have to work on them slowly…
…my sister was helping Jayden make his Valentine's Day cards for his classmates, and she just happened to glance at the back of one where it said "don't like". Hahahaha. He was like, "But I don't!" And she had to explain to him why he had to scratch it out. Hee!
…I found out late this afternoon…that my medicaid (state-provided insurance for you non-'muricans) FINALLY got processed…
I had to ask my grandma for $700 to get by until my student loans are given to me again in April, and I feel terrible for it."
Mar. 23rd: "I'm newly obsessed with Orange is the New Black, like full-on-def-con-one-flailing obsessed…
I'm almost done at PCC, and I'm pretty sure I aced my classes again this term. I only have two terms left…
I had an assignment for my health class…which involved talking about experiences with addiction…my health teacher told me afterward that I had a "gift" for expressing myself…
Jayden has a huge crush on a girl in his class, and it's ADORABLE…He told my sister recently that he wanted to look "swagalicious" for school the next morning…
…Jayden's school said that he's not disabled enough to get help from a personal aid or tutor paid for by the district, and also that they won't hold him back even though he has a documented learning disability in math…& has the reading comprehension of a third grader.
I don't have much to report on for Isabella besides the fact that she wants me to teach her Spanish & that she told my sister she thinks she's "allergic to bedtime." Haha. Nice try, kid!
-Last time I was at my sister's, both the kids kept asking her to leave because it was (according to Jayden) "Ti-Ti Time". Hee. Even the math counted as Ti-Ti Time! And he is NOT a fan of homework.
…We're five days away from the two-year anniversary of my mom's death, and it still feels surreal. I actually forgot for a second that she was dead the other day -- had an impulse to pick up the phone & call her. I wonder if it'll ever stop feeling wrong…
Spring used to be a trigger of happiness for me--the sunshine, mild temperatures, & flowers--and it still is to some degree, but it also brings up automatic associations of her death & funeral now…
…[my surgeon] removed my feeding tube…When I first got it last fall, I really didn't think I could handle it, but I made it six months…[note: it's STILL healing, but better than a few months ago]
I was able to go to the dentist for the first time in five years last week…
…I finished reading Intuitive Eating, and I really liked it, though I'm struggling to put some of its advice into practice…
I've had a couple brushes with almost getting a job over the past month, and each time has been pretty anxiety-inducing…
…Mi mejor amiga sent me her old mac laptop, and I've got it set up on wifi now & love it."
Mar. 31st: "I saw the other day that Television Without Pity is closing. On one hand it doesn't make a difference to me…but on the other…it does make me a bit sad & nostalgic…
…The penultimate episode [of Psych] was definitely one of my faves from the whole series…As for the finale, it was damned near perfect…
SHOW, I WILL MISS YOU."
Apr. 22nd: "My sister and I fought a little the week of my mom's death-versary (classy way to put it, I know), which seems to be a trend…I think it's just because both of us are so emotional while trying not to be…
After the anniversary ended, I was aware of some stress & depression lingering, but not fully. Some was hanging around all stealth-like. I didn't realize this until weeks later…
…my GI doctor told me that the endoscopies weren't working after all…and that I'd need surgery again…When I saw my surgeon to discuss it, I had a pulse of 148, and I burst into tears. My first instinct after leaving was to call my mom, and I still haven't shaken the feeling…I'm scared.
…The…fight with my sister came when I was trying to decide whether to drop my classes…I got extremely frustrated, everything around me felt like chaos, and I had auto-pilot tunnel-vision leading straight to me with a razor in my hand. Which is the other thing: instead of only using one of my shaving razors like I normally do, I followed it up by going to the store & buying actual straight razors…despite knowing how easily having those in my possession could trigger me to off myself.
…in my last few counseling appointments, we've also been working on DBT coping skills & radical acceptance. I've been talking more with her about how often I feel like a "bad person,"…
…We also talked about the guilt I still have over my mom & how I can't seem to freaking move past it (sometimes I feel like I ushered her death along, that maybe she died from a broken heart)…
…Jay is getting accommodations at school now, including more step-by-step instructions & shorter homework assignments, but both my sister and I agree that's not going to be enough…
I babysat the kids a few weeks ago overnight, because Corinne's kidney stones were acting up & she had to go to the emergency room (oddly, just as I was in the hospital the night of the first anniversary of my mom's death, Corinne was at the ER the night of the second anniversary). It was actually fun for me though; I had lots of cute little talks with both of them. First I found out that Jay is into Dr. Who…Then, later…Jay asked if I'd stay in the room with them…and talk for a while, since that's what my sister does. Out of nowhere, Jay asked me, "Do you ever wonder what existed before the universe was created; like whatever was there TO create it? Like, before the Big Bang? Or before God?" Meanwhile I used to OBSESS over that at his age…Then he added, "And what about what's BEYOND the universe? Where does it end? How could it go on FOREVER?" (note: he also knew about the universe expanding & was like, "but what is it expanding INTO?") I just laughed for like a minute straight & was like, "ARE YOU ME?! JAY, I STILL WONDER ABOUT THAT." Later I told my sister, and she cracked up even harder, asking "HOW DID HE NOT COME OUT OF YOUR UTERUS?" and I was like, "I DON'T KNOW!" Hahaha…
…It does seem like all of a sudden Jay is getting older. I off-handedly said something about me being detail-oriented to my sister recently, and he blurted out from the backseat, "OF COURSE YOU ARE." And now when I correct something, he calls me out on it. But then one day he was like, "…I can't help correcting people either." Ha.
…after they got home that day, my niece told my sister that she'd seen our mom sitting next to her, and that she'd told her to let Jayden know it was "okay" he "didn't get to say goodbye.""
May 3rd: "I continued cutting last week until Sunday evening…
…I decided to drop my classes at the advisement of my teachers (and yes, I cried while meeting with my Spanish teacher about it. I REALLY didn't want to have to drop my classes)…
…Isabella was playing soccer with my sister in my mom's old backyard the other day, and one time Corinne turned around she saw Izzie giving a thumbs-up to one of the windows."
May 17th: "The hospital stay itself wasn't bad at all…I basically slept almost non-stop for days on end, including Mothers Day (didn't mind skipping that one at all).
…It is a somewhat anxiety-inducing struggle to transition to my new diet, but I'm trying to take it day by day…
On a huge plus, I got approved for disability (ssd for those familiar with the process)."
June 6th: "I stayed with my sister for almost a month…
While I was in the hospital, my grandma sent me a card that said, "I am so sorry that you have so much to go through, but I feel sure that you will recover from all of this, and achieve your goals to get your degree. You are far too smart to not contribute something to this world, and I know you will.
I think about you all the time, and I love you a lot,
Nanny."
Made me feel so good, especially since sometimes I doubt her love for me after everything with Mom.
…It was great to spend all that time with the kids…I got to talk with them a lot and just watch them & their pillow-fighting hijinks…The same night I left, Izzie got on the phone & ordered me to come back, hee. Of course we did go for some walks together, and [Jay] went in the little stream there, we cuddled while watching things, and I tried getting him to watch X-Files, and he acted like the 1990s were the 1950s, and I felt super old. Also, he's basically as tall as me now. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN.
Oh, and P.S. Izzie calls me "Auntie Slow Poke" now. She thinks it's hilarious. She also…has a black & white striped fedora that she wears all the time. She looks like a miniature hipster.
…One day I panicked so bad I thought I had to go into the hospital again, but it lessened enough to let me stay…
…In…good news, SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IS A-HAPPENIN' IN OREGON. THE STATES ARE FALLING LIKE DOMINOES. And June is apparently now *officially* queer month! Yay!"
June 29th: "…I'm also angry that I tried so hard for 32 years to have a relationship with my dad, and for two decades with my half-brother, and it all just turned to shit. That makes me want to rip my room apart and scream at God."
July 8th: "I'm home from my vacation to the happiest place on Earth, much poorer, and sunburnt all over…
…We had a really good time, although not without some bumps in the road…
…Lance talked to Jayden on his birthday but forgot to actually wish him a Happy Birthday. Probably because he forgot what date it was, the moron."
July 21st: "I ended up skipping Jayden's birthday party at the last minute -- partially because I didn't feel good, but mostly because I realized I wasn't ready to see Joe…
And speaking of Jay's birthday? Not only did Lance forget it, but even afterward he didn't give him a present & told him it was because he was "spoiled.""
July 28th: "…my self-harm is still bad, I hung out with Amy & her girlfriend on Friday, went to the cemetery with my sister on Saturday, visited a ~psychic~ with her on Sunday, am reading a book on self-harm that's not helping me to stop cutting but is comforting nonetheless, and am still working the steps while my sponsor is out of town.
…Also, unrelated, but my sister asked me to write 10 reasons I have value as a human being on Saturday (in response to me telling her I struggle with the ACA "I'm a valuable person" affirmation), and here's what I wrote:
1. People must care about me. At least some must like/love me.
2. I am smart in some ways.
3. I am generous sometimes.
4. I make people laugh.
5. I'm a good listener except when I accidentally interrupt.
6. I am open-minded.
7. I'm sometimes a good writer and artist.
8. I'm good with kids (better when I'm well).
9. People can learn from what I've been through.
10. I care about other people and animals.
What's sad though? I could think of A LOT more negative things. Oh, well. Progress, not perfection."
July 31st: "I feel like I've lost almost all my online friends here. LJ dying is not something I'm ready to accept yet, and it's coming at a time when I really need support."
Aug. 25th: "I've been in the local psych ward for roughly the past two weeks -- separated into two stays a few days apart. So now I've technically been in a mental ward three times in my life. Go, team!
…I made friends with a couple other people, one in particular…
Another thing that took place…was a conversation and class I had with the main chaplain there…he sat with me for probably 20-30 minutes, explaining to me how illogical & unfair my guilt over not speaking with my mom before her death was…I asked him about the "honor thy mother & father" line…and he came back with "parents, don't discourage your children." He told me how important it was that I was at least there at her deathbed, and that she'd heard me…Weirdly, when I talked with him about being suicidal, he said the same thing to me…as the lady on the suicide hotline did…that there's only ever been (or ever going to be) one Rachael on this planet, and that means I'm too special to give up on…
…During our drive home, [Corinne] went fucking NUTS…said, "I hope you do commit suicide, and I hope it works."
…I've cut all over my thighs again…and I simply could not stop debating whether to kill myself last night, for hours on end…Finally, I called a suicide hotline, and it helped, at least temporarily…She had a degree both in psychology & neuroscience…and tried to reassure me that new medications come out all the time [for migraines]…"
Sept. 2nd: "I lost my shit while talking to the suicide hotline & attempted suicide last week, then got put in another psych ward for 5 days (for two days before that I was waiting for a psych bed to open up and was staying in the ER at the same hospital that traumatized me last year. FUN!). I'm going through a month-long intensive outpatient treatment program now, and I'm at least somewhat hopeful that it'll help as it's based on CBT therapy."
Sept. 23rd: "…He still wakes up in a cold sweat every night. His heart never stops pounding. He feels as if there's a grenade in his chest & he's just trying to hold himself together around it. Triggers long since buried are climbing up & out of their graves, their skeleton claws grasping onto his feet. He remembers the months of limping, of leaning on brothers in arms. He was strong then too. He had no choice."
Sept. 23rd: "I'm still waiting for my meds to change…in order to start the Abilify at a low dose, I have to start weaning off the Wellbutrin and Seroquel…
I went to lunch with two of my hospital friends (Annie & Alexandra) on Sunday, and we had a good time…
My last day of CBT therapy is on Thursday, and it'll be weird for me to be giving the goodbye speech everyone does when I'm not doing that well yet. I guess I'll be there to represent the people who don't get "all better" after one month of therapy."
Oct. 11th: "I'm still working the Al-Anon steps, and I'm on the second half of Step 4, and it's pretty much going to take me forever. I can only do a few at a time, because it triggers so many difficult emotions, and I wish I could just skip it. But I'm pushing through, bit by bit."
Oct. 15th: "My new insurance [I had to change from the excellent, state-provided Medicaid to the federally funded & crappy Medicare] has had me enormously stressed for the past few days, and it really has me feeling down…
…the three of us just went costume hunting for Izzie…She got a cute, innocent clown costume, then paired it with a giant, creepy clown mask. All because my sister has a clown phobia. My niece has a wicked side, for real. And I love it."
Oct. 20th: "I've been feeling icky with a migraine that just won't quit, so I missed coffee/tea with Kim this morning, and I missed getting together with Amy & Annie over the weekend. Alexandra asked me out for dinner tonight though, and I decided I could drag myself out for that. I freaking hate period migraines. And I hate my emotions on my period too. It just makes me so miserable overall.
I did have a good time on the Beyond Bizarre Shanghai Tunnel Ghost tour in downtown Portland with my sister on Friday night, though…"
Oct. 22nd: "My neighbors' plumbling is backing up into my bathroom. I have lettuce in my toilet right now, people. Lettuce."
Oct. 23rd: "…my doctors said it was probably the klonopin causing the amnesia…
…my sister…just found out she's borderline diabetic…
As for my mental health, it's better, and I haven't been cutting nearly as often, but I still have stress, anxiety, & depression constantly simmering beneath the surface, and I feel like I'm just trying to keep it at bay all day long. I know I need the extra help the DBT program will offer, but I'm scared the hospital won't accept me for financial assistance…
…I just talked on the phone with Isabella, and she told me all about her crush on this girl in her class. She sounds BESOTTED. Meanwhile, my sister's having a very unenthused reaction & keeps clinging to the fact that she likes boys too…"
Oct. 28th: "I talked with Jen on the phone last night, and she helped me figure out what's been making me anxious -- turns out it was everything…I've been going through a "can't cry properly" phase, which has been robbing me of catharsis…At least until I talked with Jen, that is, and then suddenly tears were streaming down my cheeks…
…I had dinner with Annie on Friday…went out for a drink with Amy & her gf on Saturday…texted with Alexandra…and went to a pumpkin patch with my sister and the kids on Sunday.
…I was taking the bus to my sister's, and I saw a little girl a few rows in front of me snuggling up to her dad, and he put his arm around her, and I had this ~moment~ where I realized that was never me, and it never will be…Do I really have to ~feel my feelings~ I'm sick of feelings!"
…Recently in the bath I had one of those moments where I saw my scars as if I hadn't seen them before…and I felt horrified by them…the ones on my upper thighs have formed puffy, red keloids, and I know those don't go away typically. Just like the huge ones I have on my stomach. And it makes me feel like a monster. It makes me sad too, that a few bad years will leave me scarred for life.
Nov. 4th: "I feel all bunched up and ready to burst. And I know some of it is me flipping out over flipping out, but that's a hard cycle to break…My stress levels are slip-sliding down to chronic, daily life-ruining levels…I'm still able to do small things, but so much feels like it's getting to be too much. Simple things I should be able to tackle make me want to just go in my room and get in the fetal position, especially anything having to do with applying for financial assistance + insurance. I'm forcing myself to be around people regularly too, which can still be enjoyable…but that's also difficult. Even being on the bus feels draining. I have such little interest in anything, too, and I feel restless & bored enough to where it's like I'm legit suffering from it, which sounds ridiculous, but my anxiety just FEEDS on it…
I tried to combat the crazy today by doing the whole "act opposite to your feelings" thing and taking everything in small bits…but I still feel like I have electricity shooting through my body, trying to find a way out. I don't know if raising my abilify will help or hurt, and I know I should just wait & deal with it when it comes, but I can't stop obsessing over it in the meantime. I kept trying to remind myself today that there's no rule out there about how active you need to be every day for things to be "okay", but I feel like there is, and I'm failing it…you'd think finding a burst of energy would be easy when you feel like your insides are Tesla-approved, but the depression comes along and throws a big, black cape over it, squandering it…
Moving on, my Halloween was okay, but mostly sucked…
…Joe told Corinne that I could come over with her or stay in the car, either way would be fine, and I decided to come in. I know, Crazy Town…I've been trying to forgive…not forget…if he does anything too triggering or lechy again, he is OUT. As my counselor put it, I don't have to try to see him as a father figure again -- he can just be a weird relative whom it's more difficult than it's worth to avoid, e.g. Jayden & Izzie's birthday parties…and it just felt right in terms of helping me heal & let go of the hurt & resentment I have all pent up inside about him. I'm still deeply angry with him, don't get me wrong, but I know that anger hurts me more than it does him at this point, as legitimate as it is.
This is Izzie in my costume (she went as an evil clown, you'll remember)…
…my doctor again gave me a prescription of 20 oxycodone, only two of which I was able to take. Why?…I went home & lost them. AGAIN…
…I went out to dinner with Alexandra a couple of nights ago, and it was okay, though we're both under the weather mentally…She made me feel a little flattered though, because she told me I made her stay last summer easier; as she put it, it wasn't as hard for her to attend groups when she knew I'd be there, because we'd bonded."
Nov. 6th: "Watching my country's electoral map turn overwhelmingly red on Tuesday night at first had me nearly as disheartened as I was the night of the 2004 elections…
In better news, Measure 91 passed here in Oregon, legalizing the sale & possession (specific amounts) of marijuana…I'm just so proud of my state for doing such a common-sense, progressive thing in an election of so much belligerent ignorance, especially when the War on Drugs has been drilled into all our heads for decades."
Nov. 9th: "I don't know how to explain what's going on with me right now…I think I feel depressed. Hopeless, that's what it is…I've been having so much anxiety lately and so many migraines…
Last night I had a really interesting dream…I was in Heaven…I saw my great-grandma…I was like, "how are you?", and she's like, "I'm doing great, honey," and I'm like, "Well, I'm not doing so great," and I started crying, and she's like, "I know."
…The other day at counseling, Katherine referred to my OCD as just like a matter-of-fact thing, so I guess she agrees with the diagnosis…"
Nov. 10th (from a private entry) "I'm feeling depressed and angry about how people have abandoned LJ. And me using the term "abandoned" isn't lost on me…I know it relates back to my feelings of abandonment from my family and other friends in the past…I feel like I've revealed myself to these people so nakedly, and I've come to rely on their support so much, that losing them, and losing this medium for support, feels paradigm-shifting.
…I wish I had more interests still. I wish empty hours sitting in front of me didn't lead me into a panic. I wish I wasn't having thoughts of self-harm and suicide. I wish I could be in school, that I was healthier, and--like I said in my early twenties--that I was the one leaving, instead of the one left.
…I hate that I'm fat, I hate that I'm hungry and yet nauseated at the same time all day, I hate that I'm not taking walks or enjoying them the way I used to, I hate that I can't quit the excedrin and I hate what it's probably doing to my GI tract, I hate that my own father turned his back on me for no good reason after decades of me cutting him slack, I hate that my brother is heartless like our father, I hate that Corinne's busy all the time now, I hate that I don't feel up to playing with the kids as much as I once did, I hate my migraines, I hate my scars but want to cover my body with them -- cover ME, scratch me out like a drawing gone wrong."
Nov. 20th: "Joe invited me to my sister's birthday party a few days ago, I went, it was awkward but fine, but now I feel conflicted and anxious about it."
Nov. 22nd: "I've been invited to Thanksgiving at Joe's house next week, and I'm no less conflicted feeling. I'm going to accept the invitation, but I wish I could feel less nervous about it."
Nov. 29th: "…I stopped taking the Seroquel & the Wellbutrin, and then I started taking the Abilify in their place, and the Abilify made it so that I stopped being able to have a good night's sleep…and not getting enough sleep makes you crazy by itself…then, on top of that, the Abilify…made my anxiety worse…I, for some reason, had all my hopes set on Abilify…we decided that we were going to switch me over to Paxil…
…I had never been to the E.R. for a migraine in my life before, and over the last month I went four times, in addition to going to urgent care once. And some of that was because I felt like I was losing my mind, and I kept…telling them, "I feel suicidal. I think I need to be in the psych ward." They kept pushing me away…
…I started having panic attacks that were lasting days on end…the only thing I could think to do was call people & talk to them, because it would keep me from going into the bathroom & killing myself.
…I went to my sister's, and I stayed for three days…
…Nanny said, "it makes me so sad to see you following in your mother's footsteps…"
Nov. 30th (from a private entry) "…i still don't have interest in most things and can only focus on a specific thing for a very short time. i just feel like giving up. i'm so tired of feeling this way. i feel like my life is over."
Dec. 1st: "I saw my psychiatrist today, and he took me off the Cymbalta while doubling my dose of Paxil (to 40 mgs)."
Dec. 3rd: "…after I talked with Jen on the phone last night, I finally threw out my razors…I feel like that was important."
Dec. 6th: "…they say "take what you like & leave the rest" in these meetings, but right now I don't feel capable of doing that…I'm feeling like I need to take a break from ACA."
Dec. 9th: "I kinda felt like I was losing it again…so I went over & slept over at my sister's…it helped.
…Jayden's old enough now to where he's…more aware and…he said to me, "I'm like your twin", and I'm like, "basically, yeah"…my sister today admitted to me that she thinks that Jayden is on the mild end of the Autistic spectrum like she thinks I am…it's taken a while.
…the blood test they did…showed I was anemic…
…the kids…they're probably the primary reason I feel at least marginally better right now. I got to see my niece show me her "swag dance"…had a tickle fight…lots of Tia Traps at their request…and played looooots o' baby doll games…Oh, and P.S.? Jayden's taller than me now. Not humiliating AT ALL, why do you ask?
…Poor Isabella says she hates school…kept telling me…"it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me!!!" Hahaha. So dramatic."
Dec. 11th: "[I] decided it'd be worth it to buy new knives once I'm more stable than deal with thoughts & the possibility of hurting myself in the meantime, & thus threw out all my butcher knives…
Overall, I kept myself occupied for an entire day, including time spent watching X-Files scenes & reading old fics, and that's the first time in a while that I've been able to do that without spending at least some time panicking over all the hours in front of me + how I feel, or lying in bed depressed, rocking back & forth. I know it's just one day…but I'm taking it as a good sign that maybe things are getting better. I don't expect that to happen all at once, of course, but it's still something, especially as I didn't have anyone else's company to distract me.
…I also decided that, for now, it's okay if I spend some time daydreaming about a future reconciliation with my father, because denial is a stage of grief, and I'm going through a lot already. I'll try to balance it with acceptance of (the most likely) reality, but if I feel like taking refuge in denial every so often, so be it. That lifted some anxiety as well."
Dec. 16th: (from a private entry) "…during the day, I just suffer. And obsess over my future. Not just in the grand scheme of things, but even just the next few days, or hours. How will I fill them? What will I do? Especially when I don't feel up to doing things physically. I feel like a little kid who's throwing a tantrum over being hungry, but who won't eat anything that's offered to them. But I can't help it. Almost nothing makes me feel better right now. Talking to others & being around others does, in the right circumstances, but I unfortunately can't see Corinne all the time, or my friends.
…I keep asking God to help me, and I feel like He's not listening. I pray to my mom and don't get any signs she's listening either. I know God's supposed to work in mysterious ways, but I need something clear right now to let me know things are going to get better, and some sign to tell me what to do in the meantime…"
Dec. 17th (from a private entry) "I feel like I'm just going through the motions, just trying to get through each day until I can sleep again. I went to the life management coping skills group today, and it was just full of stuff I basically already knew…
I tried some of my coping skills when I got home…But…I just want to disappear, like I never existed. I know I might feel differently in a couple weeks, if this medication helps, but that's a long way away, and I don't even know it WILL help…It bugs me that Katherine seems to think DBT skills will help if I just have a different attitude. I think some of them are just stupid, point blank."
Dec. 24th: "I've had about four periods in the last five or six weeks…my migraines are a lot worse, and my mood is a lot worse…I made an appointment with a neurologist…I ended up in the ER again the other night because of a migraine…
In good news…I lost nine pounds…
…my grandma invited my sister and her kids out to lunch, and she didn't invite me…it really does hurt my feelings.
…In other Christmas news, I got a card from my dad and my stepmom & brother, and that surprised the shit out of me…I'd like to work with my counselor on ways that I can have some kind of relationship with him that has emotional boundaries…to where I can just accept him for what he is & not be such easy prey for him.
…I used to always spend Christmas Eve with family…it's a little sad…
I hope sometime soon I feel more comfortable returning to ACA meetings -- I realized that I've been losing my faith in God…I think that's why I was so easily triggered that day…I will admit…hearing from my dad…maybe that's a sign that God's with me…
…I cried when they all sang during Colbert's last episode. AND I WOULD DO IT AGAIN.
…my counselor and I were recently talking about…me struggling to find meaning in my own suffering. She suggested that Jayden or Isabella could someday struggle with some of the same things, and if I go through learning how to cope with them now, & if I try to not be embarrassed about them knowing I have problems, then maybe I could set a good example for them to have an easier time of it themselves in the future. That provided me with some comfort & motivation to keep going."
Dec. 26th: "…my day started out with calling my dad…after that…I ended up at my sister's…Jayden had asked if I would spend the night, and so I did…I was able to play with Isabella for quite a while…then we went inside & played darts, and Jayden and I played…after…we went over to Joe's…he didn't give me a gift…
…holidays are just draining…I'm just glad that I made it through…without any big drama or stress…
Dec. 31st: "I'm feeling rather blah about the holiday…Well, depressed, really. I just feel flat, like someone stomped the life out of me…while I have some hope for the future, it's kind of a half-assed hope, like I'm afraid to hope too much, or like part of me still expects things to suck at least enough to where making resolutions & celebrating another year feels pointless or foolish…I feel like both my dad & stepdad tried to manipulate me in various ways…which is weighing on me & pissing me off more now in retrospect, and it feels all pent-up inside…
…I have two resolutions this year: 1. To stay alive and, if I feel like I can't, take whatever measures are necessary to make myself safe; and 2. To do at least one thing per day…so long as my health allows.
…I managed to miss several appointments this week…But I did make it to meet with my new psychiatrist today, and she seemed nice & knowledgeable…She agreed to raise my dose of Paxil from 40 mg to 50. I have started noticing some effects--fewer days where I felt like I was going to lose it, mainly, and less time tossing & turning in my bed or pacing--but I'm still having a lot of other symptoms…She also…agreed with the provisional diagnosis I was given in the hospital of PTSD…She said that benzos can keep you from "processing" your traumas, which I'm not sure I agree with, but she's the professional. I feel like all I've BEEN doing the last few years is processing my traumas, but…I do have the tendency to talk about things that have happened to me from a place in my head more than my heart…I remember watching a documentary about traumatized children once, and the therapy they received was called "scream therapy", where all the kids just screamed their heads off together in a big room, and sometimes I wish I had a place where I could do that…my sister didn't really get it when I told her, like she couldn't really understand what would've traumatized me, and it just shows how much she's still in denial. Frankly, I think she has it too, though I know better than to push her much to deal with it.
…I do hope you guys have a good & safe night. Thank you for being in my life in 2014 and hopefully in 2015 as well."
I usually like to look back & talk about what the year meant to me in these posts, but as you guys know, I'm kind of in a dark space there still. All I can come up with is that hopefully these experiences will help me help others in the future. And of course there are some good memories here as well. I'll never forget my Disneyland trip with my sister & the kids, for instance. As much money as that cost, I'll never regret splurging on it. It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Overall, here's hoping 2015 is better than 2014, yeah? Not just for me, but for all of us, and the world.
Jan. 18th: "My sister's house continues to deliver on the creepy front…she was in the living room tonight talking with Izzie when they both heard a loud bang coming from Jayden's room…it was something FLYING off his bookshelf & hitting a wall…
…I had another endoscopy last week…I'm going to have yet another dilation next week…
…my psychiatrist raised my dose of Seroquel from 150 mg to 300, and I'll be stopping the Risperdal in its place tonight…
…I officially got accepted to Portland State University to start in the fall, woo woo."
Feb. 6th: "So this is what I woke up to this morning:
At this point my campus was already closing, and there was a twenty car pile-up on the freeway…
…the psych results [Jayden] got showed traits of Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Social Anxiety Disorder…my sister asked him…how often he feels anxious, and he told her "all the time" before amending it to "more often than not."
…[Jay & Izzie] had a couple good sibling moments lately…One night they had a "sleepover" in Jayden's room with sleeping bags & a movie…
…I talked to Nanny…and…she complimented me…talked about how she thinks I'm good at knowing how to take care of myself, and…how I was always smart, but when I was a child I felt the need to SHOW everyone how smart I was (haha, true), and now she thinks I've learned to listen to other people more. I don't know what prompted the compliment, but I appreciated it.
…I turned 32 in January, and my sister threw a cute little party for me with her kids. I even had a princess hat, hee…
I got my first ever cell phone…now I feel less like an Amish person…
My pyschiatrist rose my dose of wellbutrin to 300 mgs…I hate playing the medication balance game so much."
Feb. 9th: "…back in August of 2010 I told myself I'd at least keep living either until the end of the year or the first snowfall (if there was one), because I wanted to see what the trails would look like in the snow, and this marked me finally coming full circle on that."
Feb. 24th: "I've been thinking of working the ACA steps, but I anticipate that I'll have to work on them slowly…
…my sister was helping Jayden make his Valentine's Day cards for his classmates, and she just happened to glance at the back of one where it said "don't like". Hahahaha. He was like, "But I don't!" And she had to explain to him why he had to scratch it out. Hee!
…I found out late this afternoon…that my medicaid (state-provided insurance for you non-'muricans) FINALLY got processed…
I had to ask my grandma for $700 to get by until my student loans are given to me again in April, and I feel terrible for it."
Mar. 23rd: "I'm newly obsessed with Orange is the New Black, like full-on-def-con-one-flailing obsessed…
I'm almost done at PCC, and I'm pretty sure I aced my classes again this term. I only have two terms left…
I had an assignment for my health class…which involved talking about experiences with addiction…my health teacher told me afterward that I had a "gift" for expressing myself…
Jayden has a huge crush on a girl in his class, and it's ADORABLE…He told my sister recently that he wanted to look "swagalicious" for school the next morning…
…Jayden's school said that he's not disabled enough to get help from a personal aid or tutor paid for by the district, and also that they won't hold him back even though he has a documented learning disability in math…& has the reading comprehension of a third grader.
I don't have much to report on for Isabella besides the fact that she wants me to teach her Spanish & that she told my sister she thinks she's "allergic to bedtime." Haha. Nice try, kid!
-Last time I was at my sister's, both the kids kept asking her to leave because it was (according to Jayden) "Ti-Ti Time". Hee. Even the math counted as Ti-Ti Time! And he is NOT a fan of homework.
…We're five days away from the two-year anniversary of my mom's death, and it still feels surreal. I actually forgot for a second that she was dead the other day -- had an impulse to pick up the phone & call her. I wonder if it'll ever stop feeling wrong…
Spring used to be a trigger of happiness for me--the sunshine, mild temperatures, & flowers--and it still is to some degree, but it also brings up automatic associations of her death & funeral now…
…[my surgeon] removed my feeding tube…When I first got it last fall, I really didn't think I could handle it, but I made it six months…[note: it's STILL healing, but better than a few months ago]
I was able to go to the dentist for the first time in five years last week…
…I finished reading Intuitive Eating, and I really liked it, though I'm struggling to put some of its advice into practice…
I've had a couple brushes with almost getting a job over the past month, and each time has been pretty anxiety-inducing…
…Mi mejor amiga sent me her old mac laptop, and I've got it set up on wifi now & love it."
Mar. 31st: "I saw the other day that Television Without Pity is closing. On one hand it doesn't make a difference to me…but on the other…it does make me a bit sad & nostalgic…
…The penultimate episode [of Psych] was definitely one of my faves from the whole series…As for the finale, it was damned near perfect…
SHOW, I WILL MISS YOU."
Apr. 22nd: "My sister and I fought a little the week of my mom's death-versary (classy way to put it, I know), which seems to be a trend…I think it's just because both of us are so emotional while trying not to be…
After the anniversary ended, I was aware of some stress & depression lingering, but not fully. Some was hanging around all stealth-like. I didn't realize this until weeks later…
…my GI doctor told me that the endoscopies weren't working after all…and that I'd need surgery again…When I saw my surgeon to discuss it, I had a pulse of 148, and I burst into tears. My first instinct after leaving was to call my mom, and I still haven't shaken the feeling…I'm scared.
…The…fight with my sister came when I was trying to decide whether to drop my classes…I got extremely frustrated, everything around me felt like chaos, and I had auto-pilot tunnel-vision leading straight to me with a razor in my hand. Which is the other thing: instead of only using one of my shaving razors like I normally do, I followed it up by going to the store & buying actual straight razors…despite knowing how easily having those in my possession could trigger me to off myself.
…in my last few counseling appointments, we've also been working on DBT coping skills & radical acceptance. I've been talking more with her about how often I feel like a "bad person,"…
…We also talked about the guilt I still have over my mom & how I can't seem to freaking move past it (sometimes I feel like I ushered her death along, that maybe she died from a broken heart)…
…Jay is getting accommodations at school now, including more step-by-step instructions & shorter homework assignments, but both my sister and I agree that's not going to be enough…
I babysat the kids a few weeks ago overnight, because Corinne's kidney stones were acting up & she had to go to the emergency room (oddly, just as I was in the hospital the night of the first anniversary of my mom's death, Corinne was at the ER the night of the second anniversary). It was actually fun for me though; I had lots of cute little talks with both of them. First I found out that Jay is into Dr. Who…Then, later…Jay asked if I'd stay in the room with them…and talk for a while, since that's what my sister does. Out of nowhere, Jay asked me, "Do you ever wonder what existed before the universe was created; like whatever was there TO create it? Like, before the Big Bang? Or before God?" Meanwhile I used to OBSESS over that at his age…Then he added, "And what about what's BEYOND the universe? Where does it end? How could it go on FOREVER?" (note: he also knew about the universe expanding & was like, "but what is it expanding INTO?") I just laughed for like a minute straight & was like, "ARE YOU ME?! JAY, I STILL WONDER ABOUT THAT." Later I told my sister, and she cracked up even harder, asking "HOW DID HE NOT COME OUT OF YOUR UTERUS?" and I was like, "I DON'T KNOW!" Hahaha…
…It does seem like all of a sudden Jay is getting older. I off-handedly said something about me being detail-oriented to my sister recently, and he blurted out from the backseat, "OF COURSE YOU ARE." And now when I correct something, he calls me out on it. But then one day he was like, "…I can't help correcting people either." Ha.
…after they got home that day, my niece told my sister that she'd seen our mom sitting next to her, and that she'd told her to let Jayden know it was "okay" he "didn't get to say goodbye.""
May 3rd: "I continued cutting last week until Sunday evening…
…I decided to drop my classes at the advisement of my teachers (and yes, I cried while meeting with my Spanish teacher about it. I REALLY didn't want to have to drop my classes)…
…Isabella was playing soccer with my sister in my mom's old backyard the other day, and one time Corinne turned around she saw Izzie giving a thumbs-up to one of the windows."
May 17th: "The hospital stay itself wasn't bad at all…I basically slept almost non-stop for days on end, including Mothers Day (didn't mind skipping that one at all).
…It is a somewhat anxiety-inducing struggle to transition to my new diet, but I'm trying to take it day by day…
On a huge plus, I got approved for disability (ssd for those familiar with the process)."
June 6th: "I stayed with my sister for almost a month…
While I was in the hospital, my grandma sent me a card that said, "I am so sorry that you have so much to go through, but I feel sure that you will recover from all of this, and achieve your goals to get your degree. You are far too smart to not contribute something to this world, and I know you will.
I think about you all the time, and I love you a lot,
Nanny."
Made me feel so good, especially since sometimes I doubt her love for me after everything with Mom.
…It was great to spend all that time with the kids…I got to talk with them a lot and just watch them & their pillow-fighting hijinks…The same night I left, Izzie got on the phone & ordered me to come back, hee. Of course we did go for some walks together, and [Jay] went in the little stream there, we cuddled while watching things, and I tried getting him to watch X-Files, and he acted like the 1990s were the 1950s, and I felt super old. Also, he's basically as tall as me now. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN.
Oh, and P.S. Izzie calls me "Auntie Slow Poke" now. She thinks it's hilarious. She also…has a black & white striped fedora that she wears all the time. She looks like a miniature hipster.
…One day I panicked so bad I thought I had to go into the hospital again, but it lessened enough to let me stay…
…In…good news, SAME-SEX MARRIAGE IS A-HAPPENIN' IN OREGON. THE STATES ARE FALLING LIKE DOMINOES. And June is apparently now *officially* queer month! Yay!"
June 29th: "…I'm also angry that I tried so hard for 32 years to have a relationship with my dad, and for two decades with my half-brother, and it all just turned to shit. That makes me want to rip my room apart and scream at God."
July 8th: "I'm home from my vacation to the happiest place on Earth, much poorer, and sunburnt all over…
…We had a really good time, although not without some bumps in the road…
…Lance talked to Jayden on his birthday but forgot to actually wish him a Happy Birthday. Probably because he forgot what date it was, the moron."
July 21st: "I ended up skipping Jayden's birthday party at the last minute -- partially because I didn't feel good, but mostly because I realized I wasn't ready to see Joe…
And speaking of Jay's birthday? Not only did Lance forget it, but even afterward he didn't give him a present & told him it was because he was "spoiled.""
July 28th: "…my self-harm is still bad, I hung out with Amy & her girlfriend on Friday, went to the cemetery with my sister on Saturday, visited a ~psychic~ with her on Sunday, am reading a book on self-harm that's not helping me to stop cutting but is comforting nonetheless, and am still working the steps while my sponsor is out of town.
…Also, unrelated, but my sister asked me to write 10 reasons I have value as a human being on Saturday (in response to me telling her I struggle with the ACA "I'm a valuable person" affirmation), and here's what I wrote:
1. People must care about me. At least some must like/love me.
2. I am smart in some ways.
3. I am generous sometimes.
4. I make people laugh.
5. I'm a good listener except when I accidentally interrupt.
6. I am open-minded.
7. I'm sometimes a good writer and artist.
8. I'm good with kids (better when I'm well).
9. People can learn from what I've been through.
10. I care about other people and animals.
What's sad though? I could think of A LOT more negative things. Oh, well. Progress, not perfection."
July 31st: "I feel like I've lost almost all my online friends here. LJ dying is not something I'm ready to accept yet, and it's coming at a time when I really need support."
Aug. 25th: "I've been in the local psych ward for roughly the past two weeks -- separated into two stays a few days apart. So now I've technically been in a mental ward three times in my life. Go, team!
…I made friends with a couple other people, one in particular…
Another thing that took place…was a conversation and class I had with the main chaplain there…he sat with me for probably 20-30 minutes, explaining to me how illogical & unfair my guilt over not speaking with my mom before her death was…I asked him about the "honor thy mother & father" line…and he came back with "parents, don't discourage your children." He told me how important it was that I was at least there at her deathbed, and that she'd heard me…Weirdly, when I talked with him about being suicidal, he said the same thing to me…as the lady on the suicide hotline did…that there's only ever been (or ever going to be) one Rachael on this planet, and that means I'm too special to give up on…
…During our drive home, [Corinne] went fucking NUTS…said, "I hope you do commit suicide, and I hope it works."
…I've cut all over my thighs again…and I simply could not stop debating whether to kill myself last night, for hours on end…Finally, I called a suicide hotline, and it helped, at least temporarily…She had a degree both in psychology & neuroscience…and tried to reassure me that new medications come out all the time [for migraines]…"
Sept. 2nd: "I lost my shit while talking to the suicide hotline & attempted suicide last week, then got put in another psych ward for 5 days (for two days before that I was waiting for a psych bed to open up and was staying in the ER at the same hospital that traumatized me last year. FUN!). I'm going through a month-long intensive outpatient treatment program now, and I'm at least somewhat hopeful that it'll help as it's based on CBT therapy."
Sept. 23rd: "…He still wakes up in a cold sweat every night. His heart never stops pounding. He feels as if there's a grenade in his chest & he's just trying to hold himself together around it. Triggers long since buried are climbing up & out of their graves, their skeleton claws grasping onto his feet. He remembers the months of limping, of leaning on brothers in arms. He was strong then too. He had no choice."
Sept. 23rd: "I'm still waiting for my meds to change…in order to start the Abilify at a low dose, I have to start weaning off the Wellbutrin and Seroquel…
I went to lunch with two of my hospital friends (Annie & Alexandra) on Sunday, and we had a good time…
My last day of CBT therapy is on Thursday, and it'll be weird for me to be giving the goodbye speech everyone does when I'm not doing that well yet. I guess I'll be there to represent the people who don't get "all better" after one month of therapy."
Oct. 11th: "I'm still working the Al-Anon steps, and I'm on the second half of Step 4, and it's pretty much going to take me forever. I can only do a few at a time, because it triggers so many difficult emotions, and I wish I could just skip it. But I'm pushing through, bit by bit."
Oct. 15th: "My new insurance [I had to change from the excellent, state-provided Medicaid to the federally funded & crappy Medicare] has had me enormously stressed for the past few days, and it really has me feeling down…
…the three of us just went costume hunting for Izzie…She got a cute, innocent clown costume, then paired it with a giant, creepy clown mask. All because my sister has a clown phobia. My niece has a wicked side, for real. And I love it."
Oct. 20th: "I've been feeling icky with a migraine that just won't quit, so I missed coffee/tea with Kim this morning, and I missed getting together with Amy & Annie over the weekend. Alexandra asked me out for dinner tonight though, and I decided I could drag myself out for that. I freaking hate period migraines. And I hate my emotions on my period too. It just makes me so miserable overall.
I did have a good time on the Beyond Bizarre Shanghai Tunnel Ghost tour in downtown Portland with my sister on Friday night, though…"
Oct. 22nd: "My neighbors' plumbling is backing up into my bathroom. I have lettuce in my toilet right now, people. Lettuce."
Oct. 23rd: "…my doctors said it was probably the klonopin causing the amnesia…
…my sister…just found out she's borderline diabetic…
As for my mental health, it's better, and I haven't been cutting nearly as often, but I still have stress, anxiety, & depression constantly simmering beneath the surface, and I feel like I'm just trying to keep it at bay all day long. I know I need the extra help the DBT program will offer, but I'm scared the hospital won't accept me for financial assistance…
…I just talked on the phone with Isabella, and she told me all about her crush on this girl in her class. She sounds BESOTTED. Meanwhile, my sister's having a very unenthused reaction & keeps clinging to the fact that she likes boys too…"
Oct. 28th: "I talked with Jen on the phone last night, and she helped me figure out what's been making me anxious -- turns out it was everything…I've been going through a "can't cry properly" phase, which has been robbing me of catharsis…At least until I talked with Jen, that is, and then suddenly tears were streaming down my cheeks…
…I had dinner with Annie on Friday…went out for a drink with Amy & her gf on Saturday…texted with Alexandra…and went to a pumpkin patch with my sister and the kids on Sunday.
…I was taking the bus to my sister's, and I saw a little girl a few rows in front of me snuggling up to her dad, and he put his arm around her, and I had this ~moment~ where I realized that was never me, and it never will be…Do I really have to ~feel my feelings~ I'm sick of feelings!"
…Recently in the bath I had one of those moments where I saw my scars as if I hadn't seen them before…and I felt horrified by them…the ones on my upper thighs have formed puffy, red keloids, and I know those don't go away typically. Just like the huge ones I have on my stomach. And it makes me feel like a monster. It makes me sad too, that a few bad years will leave me scarred for life.
Nov. 4th: "I feel all bunched up and ready to burst. And I know some of it is me flipping out over flipping out, but that's a hard cycle to break…My stress levels are slip-sliding down to chronic, daily life-ruining levels…I'm still able to do small things, but so much feels like it's getting to be too much. Simple things I should be able to tackle make me want to just go in my room and get in the fetal position, especially anything having to do with applying for financial assistance + insurance. I'm forcing myself to be around people regularly too, which can still be enjoyable…but that's also difficult. Even being on the bus feels draining. I have such little interest in anything, too, and I feel restless & bored enough to where it's like I'm legit suffering from it, which sounds ridiculous, but my anxiety just FEEDS on it…
I tried to combat the crazy today by doing the whole "act opposite to your feelings" thing and taking everything in small bits…but I still feel like I have electricity shooting through my body, trying to find a way out. I don't know if raising my abilify will help or hurt, and I know I should just wait & deal with it when it comes, but I can't stop obsessing over it in the meantime. I kept trying to remind myself today that there's no rule out there about how active you need to be every day for things to be "okay", but I feel like there is, and I'm failing it…you'd think finding a burst of energy would be easy when you feel like your insides are Tesla-approved, but the depression comes along and throws a big, black cape over it, squandering it…
Moving on, my Halloween was okay, but mostly sucked…
…Joe told Corinne that I could come over with her or stay in the car, either way would be fine, and I decided to come in. I know, Crazy Town…I've been trying to forgive…not forget…if he does anything too triggering or lechy again, he is OUT. As my counselor put it, I don't have to try to see him as a father figure again -- he can just be a weird relative whom it's more difficult than it's worth to avoid, e.g. Jayden & Izzie's birthday parties…and it just felt right in terms of helping me heal & let go of the hurt & resentment I have all pent up inside about him. I'm still deeply angry with him, don't get me wrong, but I know that anger hurts me more than it does him at this point, as legitimate as it is.
This is Izzie in my costume (she went as an evil clown, you'll remember)…
…my doctor again gave me a prescription of 20 oxycodone, only two of which I was able to take. Why?…I went home & lost them. AGAIN…
…I went out to dinner with Alexandra a couple of nights ago, and it was okay, though we're both under the weather mentally…She made me feel a little flattered though, because she told me I made her stay last summer easier; as she put it, it wasn't as hard for her to attend groups when she knew I'd be there, because we'd bonded."
Nov. 6th: "Watching my country's electoral map turn overwhelmingly red on Tuesday night at first had me nearly as disheartened as I was the night of the 2004 elections…
In better news, Measure 91 passed here in Oregon, legalizing the sale & possession (specific amounts) of marijuana…I'm just so proud of my state for doing such a common-sense, progressive thing in an election of so much belligerent ignorance, especially when the War on Drugs has been drilled into all our heads for decades."
Nov. 9th: "I don't know how to explain what's going on with me right now…I think I feel depressed. Hopeless, that's what it is…I've been having so much anxiety lately and so many migraines…
Last night I had a really interesting dream…I was in Heaven…I saw my great-grandma…I was like, "how are you?", and she's like, "I'm doing great, honey," and I'm like, "Well, I'm not doing so great," and I started crying, and she's like, "I know."
…The other day at counseling, Katherine referred to my OCD as just like a matter-of-fact thing, so I guess she agrees with the diagnosis…"
Nov. 10th (from a private entry) "I'm feeling depressed and angry about how people have abandoned LJ. And me using the term "abandoned" isn't lost on me…I know it relates back to my feelings of abandonment from my family and other friends in the past…I feel like I've revealed myself to these people so nakedly, and I've come to rely on their support so much, that losing them, and losing this medium for support, feels paradigm-shifting.
…I wish I had more interests still. I wish empty hours sitting in front of me didn't lead me into a panic. I wish I wasn't having thoughts of self-harm and suicide. I wish I could be in school, that I was healthier, and--like I said in my early twenties--that I was the one leaving, instead of the one left.
…I hate that I'm fat, I hate that I'm hungry and yet nauseated at the same time all day, I hate that I'm not taking walks or enjoying them the way I used to, I hate that I can't quit the excedrin and I hate what it's probably doing to my GI tract, I hate that my own father turned his back on me for no good reason after decades of me cutting him slack, I hate that my brother is heartless like our father, I hate that Corinne's busy all the time now, I hate that I don't feel up to playing with the kids as much as I once did, I hate my migraines, I hate my scars but want to cover my body with them -- cover ME, scratch me out like a drawing gone wrong."
Nov. 20th: "Joe invited me to my sister's birthday party a few days ago, I went, it was awkward but fine, but now I feel conflicted and anxious about it."
Nov. 22nd: "I've been invited to Thanksgiving at Joe's house next week, and I'm no less conflicted feeling. I'm going to accept the invitation, but I wish I could feel less nervous about it."
Nov. 29th: "…I stopped taking the Seroquel & the Wellbutrin, and then I started taking the Abilify in their place, and the Abilify made it so that I stopped being able to have a good night's sleep…and not getting enough sleep makes you crazy by itself…then, on top of that, the Abilify…made my anxiety worse…I, for some reason, had all my hopes set on Abilify…we decided that we were going to switch me over to Paxil…
…I had never been to the E.R. for a migraine in my life before, and over the last month I went four times, in addition to going to urgent care once. And some of that was because I felt like I was losing my mind, and I kept…telling them, "I feel suicidal. I think I need to be in the psych ward." They kept pushing me away…
…I started having panic attacks that were lasting days on end…the only thing I could think to do was call people & talk to them, because it would keep me from going into the bathroom & killing myself.
…I went to my sister's, and I stayed for three days…
…Nanny said, "it makes me so sad to see you following in your mother's footsteps…"
Nov. 30th (from a private entry) "…i still don't have interest in most things and can only focus on a specific thing for a very short time. i just feel like giving up. i'm so tired of feeling this way. i feel like my life is over."
Dec. 1st: "I saw my psychiatrist today, and he took me off the Cymbalta while doubling my dose of Paxil (to 40 mgs)."
Dec. 3rd: "…after I talked with Jen on the phone last night, I finally threw out my razors…I feel like that was important."
Dec. 6th: "…they say "take what you like & leave the rest" in these meetings, but right now I don't feel capable of doing that…I'm feeling like I need to take a break from ACA."
Dec. 9th: "I kinda felt like I was losing it again…so I went over & slept over at my sister's…it helped.
…Jayden's old enough now to where he's…more aware and…he said to me, "I'm like your twin", and I'm like, "basically, yeah"…my sister today admitted to me that she thinks that Jayden is on the mild end of the Autistic spectrum like she thinks I am…it's taken a while.
…the blood test they did…showed I was anemic…
…the kids…they're probably the primary reason I feel at least marginally better right now. I got to see my niece show me her "swag dance"…had a tickle fight…lots of Tia Traps at their request…and played looooots o' baby doll games…Oh, and P.S.? Jayden's taller than me now. Not humiliating AT ALL, why do you ask?
…Poor Isabella says she hates school…kept telling me…"it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me!!!" Hahaha. So dramatic."
Dec. 11th: "[I] decided it'd be worth it to buy new knives once I'm more stable than deal with thoughts & the possibility of hurting myself in the meantime, & thus threw out all my butcher knives…
Overall, I kept myself occupied for an entire day, including time spent watching X-Files scenes & reading old fics, and that's the first time in a while that I've been able to do that without spending at least some time panicking over all the hours in front of me + how I feel, or lying in bed depressed, rocking back & forth. I know it's just one day…but I'm taking it as a good sign that maybe things are getting better. I don't expect that to happen all at once, of course, but it's still something, especially as I didn't have anyone else's company to distract me.
…I also decided that, for now, it's okay if I spend some time daydreaming about a future reconciliation with my father, because denial is a stage of grief, and I'm going through a lot already. I'll try to balance it with acceptance of (the most likely) reality, but if I feel like taking refuge in denial every so often, so be it. That lifted some anxiety as well."
Dec. 16th: (from a private entry) "…during the day, I just suffer. And obsess over my future. Not just in the grand scheme of things, but even just the next few days, or hours. How will I fill them? What will I do? Especially when I don't feel up to doing things physically. I feel like a little kid who's throwing a tantrum over being hungry, but who won't eat anything that's offered to them. But I can't help it. Almost nothing makes me feel better right now. Talking to others & being around others does, in the right circumstances, but I unfortunately can't see Corinne all the time, or my friends.
…I keep asking God to help me, and I feel like He's not listening. I pray to my mom and don't get any signs she's listening either. I know God's supposed to work in mysterious ways, but I need something clear right now to let me know things are going to get better, and some sign to tell me what to do in the meantime…"
Dec. 17th (from a private entry) "I feel like I'm just going through the motions, just trying to get through each day until I can sleep again. I went to the life management coping skills group today, and it was just full of stuff I basically already knew…
I tried some of my coping skills when I got home…But…I just want to disappear, like I never existed. I know I might feel differently in a couple weeks, if this medication helps, but that's a long way away, and I don't even know it WILL help…It bugs me that Katherine seems to think DBT skills will help if I just have a different attitude. I think some of them are just stupid, point blank."
Dec. 24th: "I've had about four periods in the last five or six weeks…my migraines are a lot worse, and my mood is a lot worse…I made an appointment with a neurologist…I ended up in the ER again the other night because of a migraine…
In good news…I lost nine pounds…
…my grandma invited my sister and her kids out to lunch, and she didn't invite me…it really does hurt my feelings.
…In other Christmas news, I got a card from my dad and my stepmom & brother, and that surprised the shit out of me…I'd like to work with my counselor on ways that I can have some kind of relationship with him that has emotional boundaries…to where I can just accept him for what he is & not be such easy prey for him.
…I used to always spend Christmas Eve with family…it's a little sad…
I hope sometime soon I feel more comfortable returning to ACA meetings -- I realized that I've been losing my faith in God…I think that's why I was so easily triggered that day…I will admit…hearing from my dad…maybe that's a sign that God's with me…
…I cried when they all sang during Colbert's last episode. AND I WOULD DO IT AGAIN.
…my counselor and I were recently talking about…me struggling to find meaning in my own suffering. She suggested that Jayden or Isabella could someday struggle with some of the same things, and if I go through learning how to cope with them now, & if I try to not be embarrassed about them knowing I have problems, then maybe I could set a good example for them to have an easier time of it themselves in the future. That provided me with some comfort & motivation to keep going."
Dec. 26th: "…my day started out with calling my dad…after that…I ended up at my sister's…Jayden had asked if I would spend the night, and so I did…I was able to play with Isabella for quite a while…then we went inside & played darts, and Jayden and I played…after…we went over to Joe's…he didn't give me a gift…
…holidays are just draining…I'm just glad that I made it through…without any big drama or stress…
Dec. 31st: "I'm feeling rather blah about the holiday…Well, depressed, really. I just feel flat, like someone stomped the life out of me…while I have some hope for the future, it's kind of a half-assed hope, like I'm afraid to hope too much, or like part of me still expects things to suck at least enough to where making resolutions & celebrating another year feels pointless or foolish…I feel like both my dad & stepdad tried to manipulate me in various ways…which is weighing on me & pissing me off more now in retrospect, and it feels all pent-up inside…
…I have two resolutions this year: 1. To stay alive and, if I feel like I can't, take whatever measures are necessary to make myself safe; and 2. To do at least one thing per day…so long as my health allows.
…I managed to miss several appointments this week…But I did make it to meet with my new psychiatrist today, and she seemed nice & knowledgeable…She agreed to raise my dose of Paxil from 40 mg to 50. I have started noticing some effects--fewer days where I felt like I was going to lose it, mainly, and less time tossing & turning in my bed or pacing--but I'm still having a lot of other symptoms…She also…agreed with the provisional diagnosis I was given in the hospital of PTSD…She said that benzos can keep you from "processing" your traumas, which I'm not sure I agree with, but she's the professional. I feel like all I've BEEN doing the last few years is processing my traumas, but…I do have the tendency to talk about things that have happened to me from a place in my head more than my heart…I remember watching a documentary about traumatized children once, and the therapy they received was called "scream therapy", where all the kids just screamed their heads off together in a big room, and sometimes I wish I had a place where I could do that…my sister didn't really get it when I told her, like she couldn't really understand what would've traumatized me, and it just shows how much she's still in denial. Frankly, I think she has it too, though I know better than to push her much to deal with it.
…I do hope you guys have a good & safe night. Thank you for being in my life in 2014 and hopefully in 2015 as well."
