Jumping on the bandwagon. . .
Jan. 1st, 2003 02:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82New Years Past:
One Year Ago: I stayed home, not having anyone to go out with, and did my best to think positively about the future.
Two Years Ago: I was supposed to get together with my then iffy best friend Megan, but that afternoon--when she still hadn't even called me to discuss our plans--I called her, and she bailed on me. At that point, I couldn't really try to come up with new plans, so I stayed home, and felt very angry and depressed.
Three Years Ago: I spent the night at Megan's, with her friend Jen. We made cataloni, but neither of us really knew how to make it, so it was kind of an experiment. Heh. Jen insisted hot sauce would be a good addition; it wasn't. We had nothing to drink (alchohol-wise), but we stayed up till four in the morning, goofing around, watching old Brady Bunch cartoons and taking cheesy Teen Magazine quizzes.
Four Years Ago: Spent the night at my friend Maxine's. Watched movies, drank mimosa, and took a walk to the park nearby and played like little kids on the swings.
Five Years Ago: Also spent the night at Maxine's, doing much the same as the following year. Good times were had, overall.
Top 5 Friend Moments of the Year
1) When I first started feeling like a regular at TWoP; it was the first time in a long while that I had people to talk to on a daily basis, and be friendly with.
2) Every moment associated with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dosidella, from when she first emailed me, to now.
3) Making friends with all of you from meta, the fun conversations I've had with y'all there and here and on AIM, the support that was shown to me there in the MI thread and here in LJ, all of it.
4) Specifically, the various times I've gotten the nerve to express my emotions, and been shocked by the support and love that was expressed in return. Especially when it came to times I felt insecure, and people came forward to reassure me.
5) This one's twofold--when I first signed up for AIM, and then LJ. With the first, I was able to talk to people one-on-one, opening the doors for all sorts of entertaining rebel-rousing withraquelitah, all-nighter searches for badfic with dosidella, and eeeeeevil cute!wars with willothewisps. And the second allowed me to turn my longwinded posts into even more epic entries, being as random as I pleased, and hear about all of your personal lives in greater detail, thus getting closer to all of you.
Top 5 Individual Moments of the Year
1) Seeing my first psychologist.
2) Being in treatment with my second doctor/being successful in my exposures.
3) Going from TWoP to meta, getting AIM and LJ, meeting all of you.
4) Going to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
5) Being able to get back to work.
Top 5 Most Stressful/Agonizing/Bad Moments of the Year
1) Mom getting arrested and put in the psych ward, the week of my birthday, in January.
2) Dropping/flunking classes, and having to take time off work.
3) Dad getting laid off, losing chance of child support, losing health insurance.
4) The end of my friendship with Amy, my last "real life" friend.
5) Getting banned at TWoP.
Top 5 Hopes for 2003
1) That I will maintain friendships with all of you.
2) That I will make some friends in rl.
3) That I will go back to school, and do all right.
4) That I will get my license.
5) That I will finish the rest of my recovery with my social anxiety and continue learning better ways of dealing with it, and my depression.
Song Lyrics that sum up 2002 (Sum it up for me personally, I assume? Just five, too? Screw that. Hee. Let's make it ten, shall we?):
1) Ani DiFranco ("tamburitza lingua"):
". . .and everything seems to have gone terribly wrong that can
but one breath at a time is an acceptable plan
she tells herself
and the air is still there
and this morning it's even breathable
and for a second the relief is unbelievable
and she's a heavy sack of flour sifted
her burden lifted
and she's full of clean wind for one lean moment
and then she's trapped again
reverted
caged and contorted
with no way to get free
and she's getting plenty of little kisses
but nobody's slippin' her the key"
2) Ani DiFranco ("rock paper scissors"):
"this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation
i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations
i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way
like a bird into the sky of my brain?
i think i could accept all these dark colors
as just part of some bigger color scheme
if it wasn't for that drippy string quartet of sadness
underscoring each smiling scene
desire drags me right out of myself
like a gas-soaked rope tied to a piece of coal
and i'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side
while the flames rip along the sand and swallow me whole"
3) Nine Inch Nails ("the becoming"):
"the me that you know he had some second thoughts
he's covered with scabs he is broken and sore
the me that you know he doesn't come around much
that part of me isn't here anymore. . .
the me that you know he used to have feelings
but the blood has stopped pumping and he is left to decay
the me that you know is now made up of wires
and even when i'm right with you i'm so far away"
4) Nine Inch Nails ("hurt"):
"what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way"
5) Ani DiFranco ("glass house"):
"life just keeps getting harder
keeps getting harder to hide
the darker it is around me
the easier it is to see inside
and outside the glass
the whole world is magnified
and it's half an inch
from here to the other side
well i guess that push has come to this
so i guess this must be shove
but before you throw those stones at me
tell me what is your house made of
and if you think you know what i'm doing wrong
you're going to have to get in line
but for the purposes of this song
let's just say i'm doing fine
i think i'm doing fine"
6) Ani DiFranco ("angry anymore"):
"growing up, it was just me and my mom against the world
and all my sympathies were with her when i was a little girl
and now i've seen both my parents play out the hands that they were dealt
and as each year goes by, i know more about how my father must have felt.
i just want you to understand that i know what all the fighting
was for, and i just want you to understand that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore.
she taught me how to wage a cold war with quiet charm
but i just want to walk through my life unarmed.
to accept, and just get by like my father learned to do,
but without all the acceptance and getting by that got my father through"
7) Mary J. Blige ("testimony"):
"I've had some good days
And I've had some bad days
I know about heartbreak
Didn't think that I can make it
I know how it feels to have money
I know how it feels to be broke
And I can tell ya 'bout lonely
Cause I've been there before. . .
This is my story
This is my song
This is the day I celebrate
My troubles are gone. . .
It's all right
It's okay
(Said it don't last)
He wiped all my tears away
It's all right
It's okay
Trouble don't last always. . .
He cared for me
When nobody else did
He wiped my tears away"
8) Sarah McLachlan ("angel"):
"spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight"
9) Gloria Estefan ("Always Tomorrow"):
"i've been alone inside myself for far too long
never really wanted it that way
but i let it happen
if i could do it all again
my life would be
infinitely better than before
i wouldn't waste a moment
i'd make time for laughing with my friends
make love, make music, make amends
try to make a difference
try to love
try to understand
instead of just giving up
i'd use the power at my command
but there's always tomorrow
to start over again
things will never stay the same
the only one sure thing is change
that's why there's always tomorrow
i guess it took a little time for me to see
the reason i was born into this world
and what i'd have to go through
for i've finally realized that i could be
infinitely better than before
definitely stronger
i'll face whatever comes my way
savor each moment of the day
love as many people as i can along the way
help someone who's given up
if it's just to raise my eyes and pray
'cause there's always tomorrow
to start over again
things will never stay the same
the only one sure thing is change
that's why there's always tomorrow
before your last setting sun
and everything your heart has longed for has yet to be won
yes, there's always tomorrow
though people come and they go
but if you've brought some love to their lives
then you've got something to show"
10) Poe ("Fly Away"):
"It makes sense that it should happen this way
That the sky should break, and the Earth should shake
As if to say: Sure it all matters, but in such an
unimportant way
As if to say:
Fly away, sweet bird of prey
Fly, fly away
Nothing can stand in your way
Sweet bird, if you knew the words
I know you'd say: fly, fly away
It makes sense that it should hurt in this way
That my heart should break, and my hands should shake
As if to say: Sure it don't matter except in the most
important way
As if to say:
Fly away, sweet bird of prey
Fly, fly away
I won't stand in your way
Sweet bird, if you knew the words
I know that you'd say: fly, fly away
It makes sense that it should feel this way
That you slowly fade and yet still remain
As if to say: Everything matters in such an invisible way
As if to say: It's okay
Fly...away"
I looooove me some lyrics! Heh. I think my reasons for why I picked the ones I did are pretty self explanatory, but I thought I'd comment a bit more anyway, on a couple. All the rest of them really don't need it. I mean, you can just read them, and get it. And since those ones have to do with depression and my path out of it and all that stuff, I've already talked about what those songs would reflect on, in my life. But the "angry anymore" and "fly away" are a little different. Both represent to me more than just this year. With the first song, it makes me think of how I've come to be less angry over the years about my past, and toward my parents. And not just with them, but also toward old friends. Specifically this year, I went through quite the evolution; from being very bitter and angry (there's still a lot of anger and pain in me, but I've come a long way), to a sort of sadness and hurt, but understanding and acceptance.
The second song, "Fly Away", manages to touch on a lot for me, the way that--when something happens, or when someone passes on--the little things are both insignificant, and the most important. All at the same time. When Poppy died, last year, the song gained a higher meaning for me too. It's hard to let go, but eventually you have to. Thus the "it's okay, fly away." Who knows if she meant it the same way, but what does that really matter? Heh.
One Year Ago: I stayed home, not having anyone to go out with, and did my best to think positively about the future.
Two Years Ago: I was supposed to get together with my then iffy best friend Megan, but that afternoon--when she still hadn't even called me to discuss our plans--I called her, and she bailed on me. At that point, I couldn't really try to come up with new plans, so I stayed home, and felt very angry and depressed.
Three Years Ago: I spent the night at Megan's, with her friend Jen. We made cataloni, but neither of us really knew how to make it, so it was kind of an experiment. Heh. Jen insisted hot sauce would be a good addition; it wasn't. We had nothing to drink (alchohol-wise), but we stayed up till four in the morning, goofing around, watching old Brady Bunch cartoons and taking cheesy Teen Magazine quizzes.
Four Years Ago: Spent the night at my friend Maxine's. Watched movies, drank mimosa, and took a walk to the park nearby and played like little kids on the swings.
Five Years Ago: Also spent the night at Maxine's, doing much the same as the following year. Good times were had, overall.
Top 5 Friend Moments of the Year
1) When I first started feeling like a regular at TWoP; it was the first time in a long while that I had people to talk to on a daily basis, and be friendly with.
2) Every moment associated with
dosidella, from when she first emailed me, to now.3) Making friends with all of you from meta, the fun conversations I've had with y'all there and here and on AIM, the support that was shown to me there in the MI thread and here in LJ, all of it.
4) Specifically, the various times I've gotten the nerve to express my emotions, and been shocked by the support and love that was expressed in return. Especially when it came to times I felt insecure, and people came forward to reassure me.
5) This one's twofold--when I first signed up for AIM, and then LJ. With the first, I was able to talk to people one-on-one, opening the doors for all sorts of entertaining rebel-rousing with
raquelitah, all-nighter searches for badfic with dosidella, and eeeeeevil cute!wars with willothewisps. And the second allowed me to turn my longwinded posts into even more epic entries, being as random as I pleased, and hear about all of your personal lives in greater detail, thus getting closer to all of you. Top 5 Individual Moments of the Year
1) Seeing my first psychologist.
2) Being in treatment with my second doctor/being successful in my exposures.
3) Going from TWoP to meta, getting AIM and LJ, meeting all of you.
4) Going to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
5) Being able to get back to work.
Top 5 Most Stressful/Agonizing/Bad Moments of the Year
1) Mom getting arrested and put in the psych ward, the week of my birthday, in January.
2) Dropping/flunking classes, and having to take time off work.
3) Dad getting laid off, losing chance of child support, losing health insurance.
4) The end of my friendship with Amy, my last "real life" friend.
5) Getting banned at TWoP.
Top 5 Hopes for 2003
1) That I will maintain friendships with all of you.
2) That I will make some friends in rl.
3) That I will go back to school, and do all right.
4) That I will get my license.
5) That I will finish the rest of my recovery with my social anxiety and continue learning better ways of dealing with it, and my depression.
Song Lyrics that sum up 2002 (Sum it up for me personally, I assume? Just five, too? Screw that. Hee. Let's make it ten, shall we?):
1) Ani DiFranco ("tamburitza lingua"):
". . .and everything seems to have gone terribly wrong that can
but one breath at a time is an acceptable plan
she tells herself
and the air is still there
and this morning it's even breathable
and for a second the relief is unbelievable
and she's a heavy sack of flour sifted
her burden lifted
and she's full of clean wind for one lean moment
and then she's trapped again
reverted
caged and contorted
with no way to get free
and she's getting plenty of little kisses
but nobody's slippin' her the key"
2) Ani DiFranco ("rock paper scissors"):
"this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation
i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations
i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way
like a bird into the sky of my brain?
i think i could accept all these dark colors
as just part of some bigger color scheme
if it wasn't for that drippy string quartet of sadness
underscoring each smiling scene
desire drags me right out of myself
like a gas-soaked rope tied to a piece of coal
and i'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side
while the flames rip along the sand and swallow me whole"
3) Nine Inch Nails ("the becoming"):
"the me that you know he had some second thoughts
he's covered with scabs he is broken and sore
the me that you know he doesn't come around much
that part of me isn't here anymore. . .
the me that you know he used to have feelings
but the blood has stopped pumping and he is left to decay
the me that you know is now made up of wires
and even when i'm right with you i'm so far away"
4) Nine Inch Nails ("hurt"):
"what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way"
5) Ani DiFranco ("glass house"):
"life just keeps getting harder
keeps getting harder to hide
the darker it is around me
the easier it is to see inside
and outside the glass
the whole world is magnified
and it's half an inch
from here to the other side
well i guess that push has come to this
so i guess this must be shove
but before you throw those stones at me
tell me what is your house made of
and if you think you know what i'm doing wrong
you're going to have to get in line
but for the purposes of this song
let's just say i'm doing fine
i think i'm doing fine"
6) Ani DiFranco ("angry anymore"):
"growing up, it was just me and my mom against the world
and all my sympathies were with her when i was a little girl
and now i've seen both my parents play out the hands that they were dealt
and as each year goes by, i know more about how my father must have felt.
i just want you to understand that i know what all the fighting
was for, and i just want you to understand that i'm not angry anymore.
no, i'm not angry anymore.
she taught me how to wage a cold war with quiet charm
but i just want to walk through my life unarmed.
to accept, and just get by like my father learned to do,
but without all the acceptance and getting by that got my father through"
7) Mary J. Blige ("testimony"):
"I've had some good days
And I've had some bad days
I know about heartbreak
Didn't think that I can make it
I know how it feels to have money
I know how it feels to be broke
And I can tell ya 'bout lonely
Cause I've been there before. . .
This is my story
This is my song
This is the day I celebrate
My troubles are gone. . .
It's all right
It's okay
(Said it don't last)
He wiped all my tears away
It's all right
It's okay
Trouble don't last always. . .
He cared for me
When nobody else did
He wiped my tears away"
8) Sarah McLachlan ("angel"):
"spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight"
9) Gloria Estefan ("Always Tomorrow"):
"i've been alone inside myself for far too long
never really wanted it that way
but i let it happen
if i could do it all again
my life would be
infinitely better than before
i wouldn't waste a moment
i'd make time for laughing with my friends
make love, make music, make amends
try to make a difference
try to love
try to understand
instead of just giving up
i'd use the power at my command
but there's always tomorrow
to start over again
things will never stay the same
the only one sure thing is change
that's why there's always tomorrow
i guess it took a little time for me to see
the reason i was born into this world
and what i'd have to go through
for i've finally realized that i could be
infinitely better than before
definitely stronger
i'll face whatever comes my way
savor each moment of the day
love as many people as i can along the way
help someone who's given up
if it's just to raise my eyes and pray
'cause there's always tomorrow
to start over again
things will never stay the same
the only one sure thing is change
that's why there's always tomorrow
before your last setting sun
and everything your heart has longed for has yet to be won
yes, there's always tomorrow
though people come and they go
but if you've brought some love to their lives
then you've got something to show"
10) Poe ("Fly Away"):
"It makes sense that it should happen this way
That the sky should break, and the Earth should shake
As if to say: Sure it all matters, but in such an
unimportant way
As if to say:
Fly away, sweet bird of prey
Fly, fly away
Nothing can stand in your way
Sweet bird, if you knew the words
I know you'd say: fly, fly away
It makes sense that it should hurt in this way
That my heart should break, and my hands should shake
As if to say: Sure it don't matter except in the most
important way
As if to say:
Fly away, sweet bird of prey
Fly, fly away
I won't stand in your way
Sweet bird, if you knew the words
I know that you'd say: fly, fly away
It makes sense that it should feel this way
That you slowly fade and yet still remain
As if to say: Everything matters in such an invisible way
As if to say: It's okay
Fly...away"
I looooove me some lyrics! Heh. I think my reasons for why I picked the ones I did are pretty self explanatory, but I thought I'd comment a bit more anyway, on a couple. All the rest of them really don't need it. I mean, you can just read them, and get it. And since those ones have to do with depression and my path out of it and all that stuff, I've already talked about what those songs would reflect on, in my life. But the "angry anymore" and "fly away" are a little different. Both represent to me more than just this year. With the first song, it makes me think of how I've come to be less angry over the years about my past, and toward my parents. And not just with them, but also toward old friends. Specifically this year, I went through quite the evolution; from being very bitter and angry (there's still a lot of anger and pain in me, but I've come a long way), to a sort of sadness and hurt, but understanding and acceptance.
The second song, "Fly Away", manages to touch on a lot for me, the way that--when something happens, or when someone passes on--the little things are both insignificant, and the most important. All at the same time. When Poppy died, last year, the song gained a higher meaning for me too. It's hard to let go, but eventually you have to. Thus the "it's okay, fly away." Who knows if she meant it the same way, but what does that really matter? Heh.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-01 07:50 pm (UTC)NYE, every year since I was a kid, has been spent at a place three hours south of Perth on the coast (my family has a caravan with a permanent annexe attached, in a very pretty caravan park right on the beach) with family and friends.
NYE 2001 was kind of a bust because our friends didn't get there in time and my sister was back home working, and my other sister was in the US. My brother had mates staying nearby so he nicked off with them, leaving me with mum and dad sitting around the barbecue outside the caravan feeling like a social loser.
Dad got pissed off for some reason so mum and I drank really bad wine for most of the night, pigged out on the food we'd ordered for a whole lot of people who never came, and then watched repeats of Buffy and Rikki Lake.
2002 was the first NYE I've spent away from my family. Funny, that.