(no subject)
Jan. 12th, 2003 09:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82That "don't mess with my man" song, and Christina's "you are beautiful" song are both duking it out for possession of my brain, right now. Here's a peek into what it's like inside my head, at this moment:
"Don't mess with my man
I'm-a be the one to bring it to ya
here's a little advice for you, find your own man
Words can't bring me doooown, no, no
So you really bettah check yo'self, messin' with my girl is bad for your health
You are beautiful, in every single way
[insert nonsensical Mystikal growling here]"
Yeah. My brain's an interesting place, right now. Heh.
I took three excedrin about an hour ago, and yet? Head still hurts. Why? WHY? Oh, right, period. Stupid uterus. I'm sleepy, too. What's that about? I mean, it's not like I slept in till one in the afternoon. Or that I have tons of caffeine in my system. Except that I did, and I do. My body is weird.
My day was fine. Felt a bit lightheaded during the first part of my shift, but it got better after I had a break and ate. Peppy told me she was going to send me upstairs probably, but then she never ended up doing it. I certainly didn't insist. Heh. Like, "Yes, please, send me up there now!" Speaking of Peppy, she came up to me while I was folding, and was all "I want to congratulate you. Do you know what you've accomplished?" and I was like "Huh?" Apparently, I had perfect attendance during the fourth quarter. Go, me! I didn't really have a choice, but hey. Heh. Well, I did have a choice, but if I'd missed more or been late I would've been risking getting the can. So I showed up, rain or shine, sickness or health, and all that jazz.
On Saturday, I guess I'm invited to some luncheon in the mall. I'm always up for a free lunch, but in the middle of the mall? Weird. I don't really like being at the center of attention, you all know. But, hmmm, free food. . .hee. I'm sure I'll go. If anything, it's a way to leave work, while still getting paid. Unless they ask me to clock out, which would be way cheap. Heh. Seriously, I'm only scheduled for four hours on Saturday, so it would be retarded to take a lunch and clock out. But whatever. I thought it was kind of funny that I was getting the whole pat on the back for perfect attendance, when I was late today. Hee. Felt kind of sheepish, while saying thank you. And yeah, I know. This is my second time being late. In a month! And I called in sick one night. *rolling eyes* Typical Rachael in action, folks. I always do this to myself. Like, if I'm in a class, and they say you can miss three classes before it counts against you? I'll be all "Okay, so I won't miss any classes unless I really need to." Then a day rolls along, when I feel bad, but possibly could force myself to go, but I think "Well, I can miss today, and I have two more still. . ." and find a way to justify it. Then another day swings by, when I feel really sick, and have to miss. There's two days. This will be by, like, the third week. Hee. You get the idea. I always end up putting myself in a position where I'm like "Oh, now I can only miss once more for the next six months! Shit!" Way to go with that New Years Resolution too, Rachael. Idiot.
I have another resolution too, though. It's something I've been trying to do for a while, anyway, but I'm making it a part of my resolutions just to sort of really make it a point of being important or what have you. It's to continue being honest with people, when I'm feeling down and insecure. Obviously, you can't pour out your heart to anybody and everybody in life, but I mean with those who are close to me. Or not exactly always coming right out and telling them how I'm feeling, but at least behaving honestly. Like, if I have a friend, and I want to see them, but am feeling my usual "I like them more than they like me. I should not call them too much, so I don't seem needy"? Call them anyway. You know, rather than do what I used to do, which was always pull back when I felt like that, and not tell the person. Or act all nonchalant, not calling them, or really acting like it mattered to me if I talked to them, etc. All that ever ended in was lost friendships. Whenever I've done the opposite, and put myself out there, it's been a positive thing. With the exception of Amy, of course. But, you know, I don't think that friendship was going to last anyway. And it hurt, to open myself up and show my vulnerabilities, just to be rejected like that, but in the end it was probably for the best. And I can't tell myself that won't ever happen again with people, but at least then I'd know the friendship ended with me being honest, rather than it just fading away, and having all sorts of what-ifs hanging around afterwards.
I don't know. That seriously is really hard for me. Really. I swear, people can tell me they love me, flat-out repeatedly, and I still won't really believe them. The smallest things will get me feeling like "They don't really like me all that much!" and I freak out. But nothing important is easy. Not very often, anyway. And, at heart, my honesty is something that's very important to me. I don't like to ever lie about things, because I want people knowing they can trust me, and to feel like I have integrity. And I can see that honesty and openness in relationships is the right way, but that doesn't make it easy. I've done the other route though, might as well try my hand at something new. I'm beyond tired of the old way. Of course that doesn't mean I'll be successful 100% of the time, but the intention is there. That has to count for something.
In other news, I guess now I'm going to be the bridesmaid for my sister's wedding? At first I was, technically, but wasn't going to be up front during the wedding itself, because Lance didn't have a best man going, and it would've looked unbalanced. Now though he is going to have one, so tada. I'm going dress shopping tomorrow. I'd look forward to it more, because hey, I don't mind an excuse to dress up and look pretty. Heh. But ugh. I'm not sure what kind of dress I'm really looking for. Especially since there's not going to be other bridesmaids up there with me, so it's not like I have something already picked out for me to match what they're wearing. Know what I mean? Now Corinne's best friend Tracy is going too, though, and I'm surprised she's not asking her to be a bridesmaid too. I won't be shocked if she does. She'd better decide that before I go out and buy some other dress, though. Especially because any dress I buy would likely need to be altered, and once you mess with a dress, you can't really take it back.
It's kind of funny; the whole point of us going up to BC and everything was so this would be some small wedding, I thought. It's getting to the point though, now, where it's like "Dude, we might as well just have it here and invite everyone." It certainly isn't saving money now, in fact it's getting more expensive, because of the hotel rooms for everyone there. And now more people want to come. And we're still paying for a nice reception, here. And you know how they didn't end up getting the first dress, because it was too expensive? They went and bought a different one, same basic amount (if not a little more), but Corinne likes it more. I get a huge kick out of that. Joe went along, all "We can't afford a dress that expensive!" and then went and got her one that was just as much. Hee. Wimp. I had the feeling he'd give in though, once he saw her wearing a dress like that. Like "No, no, that dress is way too much! Are you crazy? We couldn't possibly. . .well, it does look pretty nice. Sigh. Grab me my damn checkbook." Hee. So, yeah, she's going to be there, with her expensive ass wedding gown, and more and more people want to go, and it's just kind of funny to me. We might as well just go all out, and do the big wedding thing, because that's obviously what this wedding wants to turn into. Just give it up, yo. Surrender Dorothy, and all that. Hee. We'll see what happens, I guess.
"Don't mess with my man
I'm-a be the one to bring it to ya
here's a little advice for you, find your own man
Words can't bring me doooown, no, no
So you really bettah check yo'self, messin' with my girl is bad for your health
You are beautiful, in every single way
[insert nonsensical Mystikal growling here]"
Yeah. My brain's an interesting place, right now. Heh.
I took three excedrin about an hour ago, and yet? Head still hurts. Why? WHY? Oh, right, period. Stupid uterus. I'm sleepy, too. What's that about? I mean, it's not like I slept in till one in the afternoon. Or that I have tons of caffeine in my system. Except that I did, and I do. My body is weird.
My day was fine. Felt a bit lightheaded during the first part of my shift, but it got better after I had a break and ate. Peppy told me she was going to send me upstairs probably, but then she never ended up doing it. I certainly didn't insist. Heh. Like, "Yes, please, send me up there now!" Speaking of Peppy, she came up to me while I was folding, and was all "I want to congratulate you. Do you know what you've accomplished?" and I was like "Huh?" Apparently, I had perfect attendance during the fourth quarter. Go, me! I didn't really have a choice, but hey. Heh. Well, I did have a choice, but if I'd missed more or been late I would've been risking getting the can. So I showed up, rain or shine, sickness or health, and all that jazz.
On Saturday, I guess I'm invited to some luncheon in the mall. I'm always up for a free lunch, but in the middle of the mall? Weird. I don't really like being at the center of attention, you all know. But, hmmm, free food. . .hee. I'm sure I'll go. If anything, it's a way to leave work, while still getting paid. Unless they ask me to clock out, which would be way cheap. Heh. Seriously, I'm only scheduled for four hours on Saturday, so it would be retarded to take a lunch and clock out. But whatever. I thought it was kind of funny that I was getting the whole pat on the back for perfect attendance, when I was late today. Hee. Felt kind of sheepish, while saying thank you. And yeah, I know. This is my second time being late. In a month! And I called in sick one night. *rolling eyes* Typical Rachael in action, folks. I always do this to myself. Like, if I'm in a class, and they say you can miss three classes before it counts against you? I'll be all "Okay, so I won't miss any classes unless I really need to." Then a day rolls along, when I feel bad, but possibly could force myself to go, but I think "Well, I can miss today, and I have two more still. . ." and find a way to justify it. Then another day swings by, when I feel really sick, and have to miss. There's two days. This will be by, like, the third week. Hee. You get the idea. I always end up putting myself in a position where I'm like "Oh, now I can only miss once more for the next six months! Shit!" Way to go with that New Years Resolution too, Rachael. Idiot.
I have another resolution too, though. It's something I've been trying to do for a while, anyway, but I'm making it a part of my resolutions just to sort of really make it a point of being important or what have you. It's to continue being honest with people, when I'm feeling down and insecure. Obviously, you can't pour out your heart to anybody and everybody in life, but I mean with those who are close to me. Or not exactly always coming right out and telling them how I'm feeling, but at least behaving honestly. Like, if I have a friend, and I want to see them, but am feeling my usual "I like them more than they like me. I should not call them too much, so I don't seem needy"? Call them anyway. You know, rather than do what I used to do, which was always pull back when I felt like that, and not tell the person. Or act all nonchalant, not calling them, or really acting like it mattered to me if I talked to them, etc. All that ever ended in was lost friendships. Whenever I've done the opposite, and put myself out there, it's been a positive thing. With the exception of Amy, of course. But, you know, I don't think that friendship was going to last anyway. And it hurt, to open myself up and show my vulnerabilities, just to be rejected like that, but in the end it was probably for the best. And I can't tell myself that won't ever happen again with people, but at least then I'd know the friendship ended with me being honest, rather than it just fading away, and having all sorts of what-ifs hanging around afterwards.
I don't know. That seriously is really hard for me. Really. I swear, people can tell me they love me, flat-out repeatedly, and I still won't really believe them. The smallest things will get me feeling like "They don't really like me all that much!" and I freak out. But nothing important is easy. Not very often, anyway. And, at heart, my honesty is something that's very important to me. I don't like to ever lie about things, because I want people knowing they can trust me, and to feel like I have integrity. And I can see that honesty and openness in relationships is the right way, but that doesn't make it easy. I've done the other route though, might as well try my hand at something new. I'm beyond tired of the old way. Of course that doesn't mean I'll be successful 100% of the time, but the intention is there. That has to count for something.
In other news, I guess now I'm going to be the bridesmaid for my sister's wedding? At first I was, technically, but wasn't going to be up front during the wedding itself, because Lance didn't have a best man going, and it would've looked unbalanced. Now though he is going to have one, so tada. I'm going dress shopping tomorrow. I'd look forward to it more, because hey, I don't mind an excuse to dress up and look pretty. Heh. But ugh. I'm not sure what kind of dress I'm really looking for. Especially since there's not going to be other bridesmaids up there with me, so it's not like I have something already picked out for me to match what they're wearing. Know what I mean? Now Corinne's best friend Tracy is going too, though, and I'm surprised she's not asking her to be a bridesmaid too. I won't be shocked if she does. She'd better decide that before I go out and buy some other dress, though. Especially because any dress I buy would likely need to be altered, and once you mess with a dress, you can't really take it back.
It's kind of funny; the whole point of us going up to BC and everything was so this would be some small wedding, I thought. It's getting to the point though, now, where it's like "Dude, we might as well just have it here and invite everyone." It certainly isn't saving money now, in fact it's getting more expensive, because of the hotel rooms for everyone there. And now more people want to come. And we're still paying for a nice reception, here. And you know how they didn't end up getting the first dress, because it was too expensive? They went and bought a different one, same basic amount (if not a little more), but Corinne likes it more. I get a huge kick out of that. Joe went along, all "We can't afford a dress that expensive!" and then went and got her one that was just as much. Hee. Wimp. I had the feeling he'd give in though, once he saw her wearing a dress like that. Like "No, no, that dress is way too much! Are you crazy? We couldn't possibly. . .well, it does look pretty nice. Sigh. Grab me my damn checkbook." Hee. So, yeah, she's going to be there, with her expensive ass wedding gown, and more and more people want to go, and it's just kind of funny to me. We might as well just go all out, and do the big wedding thing, because that's obviously what this wedding wants to turn into. Just give it up, yo. Surrender Dorothy, and all that. Hee. We'll see what happens, I guess.
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-13 01:33 am (UTC)Ugh, it is so fucking debilitating and so embarrassing, too.
I am excited for your sister's wedding! Wheeeeee! When is it, again?
Re:
Date: 2003-01-13 01:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-13 02:55 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-01-13 01:41 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-13 08:34 am (UTC)That sounds so familiar... maybe because I am the same way. Sigh.
Re:
Date: 2003-01-13 01:44 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-13 09:17 am (UTC)My mom and I had a talk about that. I hate calling people, and not because I'm needy, but because I'm sick of always being the one to call. Is it too much to ask that people check up on me every once in a while? Anyway, my mom was all, "Just call. If you're thinking about them, just call. You'll still wonder how they're doing."
Eh, so I call now without the hesitation. But me being me, I always make it a point to say something like, "I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing so I decided to just call. Why wonder when I have your number?" or something cheesy like that. Not that it gets them calling, but it gets them thinking.
It still bugs me, though.
Re:
Date: 2003-01-13 01:36 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-01-13 12:12 pm (UTC)And what keenai said about the calling thing. Just call. I have found for myself that not calling because I don't want to be needy or I think that they should call me first or whatever usually leads to a whole lot of passive aggressiveness on both parts, and it also makes me all pissed off that they haven't called when it's so much easier to just call and not deal with the drama.