rachg82

I scored
88¾%
on the classic 400 Point Purity Test!

Take the test here!

Heh. That's me, all right. Pure like the falling snow! (*snort*) I'm pretty sure I've taken that quiz before, too, but I couldn't remember the results I got last time.

Date you joined? 9-11-2002.

Number of journal entries? This would be my 443rd. Heh. Holy crap.

Number of comments posted? 1,542. Da-amn.

Number of comments you have received? 995.

Number of people on your friends list? 36, when you take out deleted journals, and the community stuff.

Person that introduced you to LJ?

dosidella. Hee, I always joked with dosi too, about how LJ was this confusing thing, like "damn LJ!" When she finally got me to sign up (although she did all the work, getting me an account), I was all "I can't believe I'm joining the dark side! I won't even have anything to say! My LJ will be soooo boring!" And then I totally wrote in it, like every day. Haha.

Still friends with this person? Very much so. She totally might stalk me, and move here, next year too! I haven't told you guys that yet, have I? I know she hasn't, because bitch still ain't updating her LJ yet! Hee. (I know you're reading this, too, dosi. Come oooooon, come back to us, you know you want to! Everyone, quick, nag her before she can escape! Hee)

How many people have you introduced to Live Journal? None, actually. The rest of you meta-ers take care of that, for me. *kicks back*

List everyone on your friends list you have met in person: None, yet.

Anyone on LJ you can't stand? Not on my friends list, no.

Name one person on your friends list you would most like to meet? Dosi. But I want to meet everyone on my friends list. What I really want, is to have a huge con, and get everyone from meta and LJ together, in one spot, for like a weekend, or whatever. Yes, I know, impossible, but wouldn't that be great?

Last person you added? The fabulous

mrmcgee!

Ever banned someone from commenting in your journal? Never needed to.

Biggest pet peeve about lj: Really poor spelling, and/or grammar. I don't mean picky grammar-nazi stuff, because I'm certainly not a perfect writer. I'm talking about the entries where it actually interferes with being able to read and understand what they're trying to say (no one on my friends list does this, by the way. I'm thinking of people I've seen, while randomly searching users). And, ooh, when there's excessive use of numbers and AOL-speak. God, just write out the full word!

Do you feel close to most of the people on your friends list? Definitely. A good chunk of them, anyway.

So, anyway. Today sucked. Just kind of a shitty day, overall. My first thought when I finished class tonight was "Thank God, this day is pretty much over now." It wasn't one thing, really. Like, no one dramatic event happenned. Just wasn't a good day.

I don't know why, but I was moody, and weepy, throughout much of the day. I'd blame it on hormones, but my period ended last week. So it was just random.

On top of that, Mom was just. . .sigh. I don't know. She's just been, like, wacky, the last couple days. I'm assuming it's her thyroid. She got the new prescription yesterday, but I don't know how bad she was, or is, or how long it'll take to get better. But half of her eyelashes on one eye fell out, as well as part of an eyebrow. That freaked her out. And her eyes are all droopy. She says she can barely keep them open, so driving--as you can imagine--was a ball! And, like, I know the thyroid business would cause that, but considering she's acting crazy on top of it, kind of, I just get all on edge over it. I've been around her too many times when she was like this due to other reasons, to not react that way. You know? I guess I can't help it. I see her acting off-balance, and automatically get upset feeling. Doesn't matter if it might be thyroid problems causing it, this time, and not pain pills, or the manic depression. But, then again, who knows if the manic depression isn't interfering at least a little. Because she only started all the other new medications this last month or so. There's been so much going on at once, with her health, so it's impossible to know what's causing what.

I can tell she's at least trying to act better, lately, but the last few days, she's just been spazzy. She had been kind of getting a little better, too, for a while, but within the last 48 hours, suddenly she just started looking really sick, and acting off. And, again, even if I KNOW it could be the thyroid, I can't trust her. She's hidden drugs from me too many times to not doubt her, every time she acts weird. I mean, even when you don't count pain pills and tranquilizers and stuff like that, she constantly starts new drugs, or changes medications, and then conveniently doesn't tell me until she's acting crazy.

That's a small doubt, right now, though. But I'm just saying, I can't help that I get anxious and wary, like a knee-jerk thing, in circumstances like these. Plus, like I said, she started the Depakote, and some other drug. And, anyway, having your thyroid off, when it can mess with moods, and you're bipolar? Whatever, big surprise that the person might get a little nutty. So, needless to say, I start worrying. Because you never know, with her. Like, what could happen, or what she could do, I mean.

I try to keep my distance, but I'm sensitive to other people's emotions. I can't help my own mood souring, when others around me are acting consistently negative. Plus, she just kind of stresses me out, when she's like this. Because she talks in this whiny, weepy voice. Like, tonight, before class. All in a panic, because she wasn't going to have dinner ready before she left to bring me. Like her marriage was going to be ruined--RUINED!--due to it. Then, the next second, she's all screaming at me, for no reason. Then she was back to the weepiness, like "I'm sorry I took it all out on you, Rachael. You didn't do anything wrong." But, then, right after that, was all freaking me out, like "I had a chance to change my life, and I ruined it." I kept trying to tell her that you can always change the way you act, and deal with people, but then she just got mad at me for it, like "You don't understand, Rachael! We just don't see eye to eye on this, okay? I respect your opinion, now could you respect mine? My life will never change. That's that." Um, all right, then. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that?

So, then I was all upset during class. Because of course I worry whenever people make comments like that. Like that's their cryptic way of saying they're through with life. Or, like, because she was acting so bizarre and out of it, maybe she'd crash her car on the way home. I mean, dude, it's not like she hasn't before. MULTIPLE times. And she made me cry, before class, by yelling at me for no reason (and because I was being a spaz, myself, to be honest), so I felt self-conscious about having red eyes, as well. Even though I knew my makeup covered it, really. My emotions were just too close to the surface, for me to be comfortable.

She wasn't making the cryptic comments as much anymore, when she picked me up, but she was still being weird. Obviously not doing well, physically, for one thing. And just acting, like, ugh. I don't know how to explain it.

I just want normalcy for once, damn't. NORMALCY. Is that too much to ask? For just one second? God. I'm like, so far beyond being sick of the drama, I don't even know how to say it. Let's just hope she gets better, in the next couple days. I need to learn how to distance myself from others, better. And not let other people affect my own moods, so much.

As for the rest of my day, I made an appointment with my doctor, for Thursday. So I can talk with him about the Inderal, and the blood sugar stuff.

I had another bad migraine, today. I don't often really complain about my migraines--at least, I don't think I do, considering that I have them as often as I do, and all--but after like four days in a row of really bad ones? Yeah, I'll complain. TIRED of this shit. Tired, tired, TIRED. I mean, whatever, it could be worse. But, God, I just wish it was better.

I was ticked off at myself earlier, too, because I didn't finish my reading for the political science class. It wasn't that big a deal, though, because a good majority of it was on basic stuff concerning Islam. Which, one, we covered in class. And, two, I already am familiar with. But still. It's the principle of the thing. I'll cut myself some slack, because it's the beginning of the term, but I need to get into good homework habits again.

Speaking of old habits, my instinct was to not go to class, because I was behind on the reading (especially since I had the headache), but I went anyway. Good thing, too, since the lecture was pretty heavy on stuff. That class is like rapid-fire history, yo.

The teacher's kind of, um, different. Heh. He stutters a lot, almost talking too fast for the words to keep up. Like his brain is ten miles ahead of his voice. And he'll laugh kind of inappropriately, and go on and on and ON about a point. I mean, he'll make something clear, but then keep reiterating it, way longer than necessary. I almost want to just like put my hand up, and be like "We get it," just to free him from himself, and allow him to move on. Heh. Like he'll be all "Oh, okay. Thanks. I couldn't stop myself." Like, just slow down there, buddy. Next point, there you go. Hee.

But seriously, to give you guys an idea of how the class is, it's normally taught as a five credit course (at another college), but is being condensed into a three credit one. Heh. Right. And, tonight, we went from talking about the four caliphs who followed Muhammed's death, to the Ottoman Empire. The. Ottoman. Empire. Heh, God.

He races through the information, too, and barely allows questions or comments. He reminds me of a little kid, all twitchy at the starting line before a race, just itching for that whistle to blow. So, someone is trying to get out a question, and he's all "Uh--uh--uh" as they're talking, practically interrupting them. With this anxious look in his eyes, like "Must. Get. Back. To. Lecture." Like, glancing at the clock, as they're trying to talk. Heh, freak.

He's a nice guy, though, and a decent teacher. Not the most charismatic teacher I've ever had, but certainly not the worst either. He's okay. Just kind of odd, and a little overeager. He's teaching an awfully hard subject, too. I mean, I'm sure I'd have to race like him too, attempting such a huge subject, and trying to teach as much as I'd want to, with all the constrictions on time and stuff. Especially since I'm the same way, when approaching a topic like that. When I'd give exhibitions in High School, I'd never take the easy way out. Oh, no. Like, God forbid I talk about immigration in America, without explaining the causes of the potato famine in Ireland, in extrutiating detail first (please, you guys know how I am). Hee. So, yeah, I totally emphathize.

The Talker was somewhat annoying, again. He means well, but it's like, dude. Shut up. He's seriously like something out of a sitcom. Like the whole class is aware that he's talking too much, while he's humorously (at least to the audience, anyway) oblivious. I'm thinking I'll rename him Question Quigley, in honor of my favorite book (Angela's Ashes, by Frank McCourt), because he reminds me of that character. Well, he can be both nicknames. Because I say so. Hee. But, yeah, the class will totally heave these sighs when his hand goes up, but he like doesn't even notice.

He asks pointless questions, too. I mean, stuff like "Will you be covering such and such?" Well, gee, since it says everything he'll be covering in the syllabus, and it lists that, I'd say yes! Genius. And the teacher specifically requested we not try and drag him off-topic, or to certain issues before he wants to get to them, because he has those things planned out. But this kid will be all "Like the Bahai, will you be talking about them?" Forcing the teacher to get into them, earlier than planned. And I wanted to be like, "God, just chill! He'll get to it if he gets to it! Sit and listen, and shut it!"

He has to make comments on everything, too. Often without even raising his hand. Just talking. Like he's the teacher, or something. Ugh. Plus, he has a mullet, y'all. Hee. A Nerd!Mullet, but a mullet, nonetheless. It's short in the front, and like greased or whatever, all perfect to the side. Then the back is longer, and pulled into this ponytail, at the neck. Not that I'm judging. . .or anything. Hee.

At least he's good for some amusement, because so many of his questions are just funny. Like, the teacher was talking about the Seljuk Turks, and since Question Quigley was too busy boucing in his seat to wait for him to simply write the word on the board (thus answering his unspoken question), he had to ask "These are the Celtics, you're talking about?" Hahahaha. This other guy was like "Yeah, they're [the Seljuks] from Boston." Hahaha.

The class is okay, though. And once we got through with more of the basic stuff about Islam, it was more interesting for me. He goes fast even for me, though, and at least I know some of the general stuff he was talking about, when it came to the different sects, and empires and such. So, I had contexts in place in my mind, to put this information in (like, when he brings up the Sufis, I already know what he's talking about. Makes it much easier.). I imagine the students in the class who didn't know as much about the topics might've been a little lost. That became pretty clear, too, during the break, when most people around me turned to each other, like "Uhhh." Heh.

There were a couple more of those "I can't believe the ignorance" moments. Female circumcision came up, and one guy actually--no joke--asked "Am I the only person here who has seriously never heard of this, before?" Then this other guy went "That's just getting fixed, I mean, right?" Dude. No. Okay? NO.

And, like, again, they're there to learn. So, props to them for that. I just can't believe the things some people don't know, sometimes. I mean, to not be an expert on the topic? That's one thing. But to have not even heard of it? And to be SO totally clueless? Wow. It just blows my mind, is all. I'm sure there's things they know, that I don't know. And I totally give them the right to go "What in the? You don't know that? Dude." when that happens. But, in the meantime, it's still my turn. Heh.

It's funny to me, too, because the people in my Women's Studies class seemed to be so much more informed, and intelligent, on the whole. So it's weird going from one to the other. I could bring up sperm wars in my Women's Studies class, and biological myths regarding women and sexuality, and have people know what I'm talking about. Meanwhile people think genital mutilation is the same as getting your tubes tied, in my other class. Heh. Quite the contrast.

At least we're past the stage where I feel like I could walk up to the front of the class and take over. Heh. That sounds cocky, but I'm being for real. Kind of boring, when you feel like that. When your teacher is all "Hmm, when did India gain its independence, again?" and you want to be like "Duhhh, 1947. Oh, just sit down, let me do this." But, yeah, he's into stuff I don't know as well, now. So, that's good. Even though he races through the lecture like he's had one cup of coffee, too many. Heh. I'm looking forward to what we should be getting into soon. Because, while I know quite a bit about certain areas of middle eastern history, religion, and all that, there's some gaps that I've wanted to fill for a while now.

At least I finally understand the whole business with the successors of Muhammed, as far as the Sunnis and the Shia are concerned, from the lecture tonight. Well, mostly. Heh.

You know, it's funny, because it always works out like this: the class I think will be my favorite often turns out to be just okay. Meanwhile the class I think will be just okay, ends up being my favorite. Always ends up like that. I mean, I like my poly sci class, but I think the women's studies one will be my favorite, which is the opposite of what I expected.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Except, I'll add that the weather made me laugh, tonight. It was warm enough outside tonight, after class, that I was able to walk around without my jacket. And I was just wearing my new pink set thing, which is a tank-top, with this thin scrap of lacey nothing over it. And I was thinking to myself "Wow, how nice." The second I thought that--the very second, folks--it started raining. Heh. Figures.

Oh, but hey, before I go any further, I'd like to wish

nancydrew01 a fabulously Happy Birthday! MUAH!

Now, in honor of

sonneta's wonderfully clever Poem of the Day (and the fact that we discussed Sufis, and Rumi's love poetry, in class), I'll share one with y'all, tonight. In fact, sorry, but I'll have to post more than one. Hee. Because God knows I'm indecisive. And I love Rumi, and love the Sufis. So, there you go.

Um, you know what? How about A LOT more than one? Heeee.

See, this is the same reason why I can never list favorite songs and such, in surveys. I have ten thousand favorite everythings. Like, for every poet I even remotely like, I'll have a billion favorite poems. I mean, dude, Rumi isn't even one of the poets I'm more familiar with. Byron, Frost, and Dickenson, are my top favorite three. Just imagine if I devoted entries to them. Hee. Not that I'm considering doing that now. . .or anything. (unless of course people wanted me to! Hee)

Right, anyway, moving on. Before I post these, I thought I should add a little note. You know, for people who don't know Rumi. When he talks about love, and his Beloved, he means God, and his love for Him. When he talks about drinking, and wine? He means the divine intoxication of faith, and love for God.

In a way, some of the sufi love poetry (and that's love in the sense of spiritual love) kind of reminds me of stuff I've read, when looking into Hinduism. Like everything about Bhakti yoga, the path to God through love and devotion. And everything sufis say about the world being an illusion. Yeah, yeah, it's a stretch, but it just reminds me of the whole concept of maya. But, enough of that, and on to the poetry.

(I'll seperate each poem with ellipses)

"Come, come, whoever you are.

Wonderer, worshipper, lover of leaving.

It doesn't matter.

Ours is not a caravan of despair.

Come, even if you have broken your vow

a thousand times

Come, yet again, come, come"

. . .

"A Star Without a Name:

When a baby is taken from the wet nurse,

it easily forgets her

and starts eating solid food.

Seeds feed awhile on ground,

then lift up into the sun.

So you should taste the filtered light

and work your way toward wisdom

with no personal covering.

That's how you came here, like a star

without a name. Move across the night sky

with those anonymous lights."

. . .

"How did you get away?
You were the pet falcon of an old woman.
Did you hear the falcon-drum?
You were a drunken songbird put in with owls.
Did you smell the odor of a garden?
You got tired of sour fermenting
and left the tavern.

You went like an arrow to the target
from the bow of time and place.
The man who stays at the cemetery pointed the way,
but you didn't go.
You became light and gave up wanting to be famous.
You don't worry about what you're going to eat,
so why buy an engraved belt?

I've heard of living at the center, but what about
leaving the center of the center?
Flying toward thankfulness, you become
the rare bird with one wing made of fear,
and one of hope. In autumn,
a rose crawling along the ground in the cold wind.
Rain on the roof runs down and out by the spout
as fast as it can.

Talking is pain. Lie down and rest,
now that you've found a friend to be with."

. . .

"God has given us a dark wine so potent that,
drinking it, we leave the two worlds.

God has put into the form of hashish a power
to deliver the taster from self-consciousness.

God has made sleep so
that it erases every thought.

God made Majnun love Layla so much that
just her dog would cause confusion in him.

There are thousands of wines
that can take over our minds.

Don't think all ecstacies
are the same!

Jesus was lost in his love for God.
His donkey was drunk with barley.

Drink from the presence of saints,
not from those other jars.

Every object, every being,
is a jar full of delight.

Be a conoisseur,
and taste with caution.

Any wine will get you high.
Judge like a king, and choose the purest,

the ones unadulterated with fear,
or some urgency about "what's needed."

Drink the wine that moves you
as a camel moves when it's been untied,

and is just ambling about."

. . .

"The Lovers
will drink wine night and day.
They will drink until they can
tear away the veils of intellect and
melt away the layers of shame and modesty.
When in Love,
body, mind, heart and soul don't even exist.
Become this,
fall in Love,
and you will not be separated again."

. . .

"Love came,
and became like blood in my body.
It rushed through my veins and
encircled my heart.
Everywhere I looked,
I saw one thing.
The Beloved's name written
on my limbs,
on my left palm,
on my forehead,
on the back of my neck,
on my right big toe…
Oh, my friend,
all that you see of me
is just a shell,
and the rest belongs to the Beloved."

. . .

"You Worry Too Much:

Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You say,
I make you feel dizzy.
Of a little headache then,
why do you worry?
You say, I am your antelope.
Of seeing a lion here and there,
why do you worry?
Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You say, I am your moon-faced beauty.
Of the cycles of the moon and
passing of the years,
why do you worry?
You say, I am your source of passion,
I excite you.
Of playing into the Devil's hand,
why do you worry?
Oh soul,
you worry too much.
Look at yourself,
what you have become.
You are now a field of sugar canes,
why show that sour face to me?
You have tamed the
winged horse of Love.
Of a death of a donkey,
why do you worry?
You say that I keep you warm inside.
Then why this cold sigh?
You have gone to the roof of heavens.
Of this world of dust, why do you worry?
Oh soul,
you worry too much.
Since you met me,
you have become a master singer,
and are now a skilled wrangler,
you can untangle any knot.
Of life's little leash
why do you worry?
Your arms are heavy
with treasures of all kinds.
About poverty,
why do you worry?
You are Joseph,
beautiful, strong,
steadfast in your belief,
all of Egypt has become drunk
because of you.
Of those who are blind to your beauty,
and deaf to your songs,
why do you worry?
Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You say that your housemate is the
Heart of Love,
she is your best friend.
You say that you are the heat of
the oven of every Lover.
You say that you are the servant of
Ali's magical sword, Zolfaghar.
Of any little dagger,
why do you still worry?
Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul.
You are the security,
the shelter of the spirit of Lovers.
Oh the sultan of sultans,
of any other king,
why do you worry?
Be silent, like a fish,
and go into that pleasant sea.
You are in deep waters now,
of life's blazing fire.
Why do you worry?

. . .

"How Sweet Is Selflessness:

No matter where you are.
No matter what the circumstance of your life,
be it like sugar or
be it like poison,
how sweet is selflessness.
If you are looking to get ahead,
and you don't seem to succeed,
how sweet is selflessness.
If you fall in his trap,
and drink his soul wine.
When you try to come out and
don't find the secret hatch,
how sweet is selflessness.
Don't be afraid,
you still have time
you haven't died yet.
Hurry up,
you almost have no time,
you haven't died yet.
Give up that gold and receive a tender body,
how sweet is selflessness.
Why are you so cold?
Is it snowing in you,
dissolve that to become great.
The life's little sorrows
you take too seriously.
How sweet is selflessness.
Don't think that you are in a trap.
My cup is full of wonders.
At this old age,
think of a new life,
how sweet is selflessness.
Why are you still sober,
can't you see this ocean of wine?
Don't tell me
now you want to become religious.
How sweet is selflessness
Oh Beloved, meet us in the garden,
sit in the middle of the gathering of the drunkards.
There is a cup in everyone's hand,
how sweet is selflessness.
Behold this King,
who watches all the souls.
Enter his land and,
emerge from the other side
victorious.
How sweet is selflessness."

. . .

"Go Back to Sleep:

Go back to sleep.
Yes, you are allowed.
You have no Love in your heart,
go back to sleep.
His Love and his sorrow
are exclusive to us,
you go back to sleep.
I have been burnt
by the sun of the sorrow of Love.
You have no such yearning in your heart,
go back to sleep.
The path of Love,
has seventy-two folds and countless facets.
Your love and religion
is all about deceit and hypocrisy,
go back to sleep.
We put ourselves in Love's hands,
and will wait for her bidding,
since you are in your own hands,
you can go back to sleep.
I consume nothing but pain and blood,
and you, the finest delicacies;
and of course after each feast,
you may want to take a nap.
So just go back to sleep.
I have torn to pieces my robe of speech,
and have let go of the desire to converse.
You who are not naked yet,
go back to sleep."

. . .

"Didn't I Tell You:

Didn't I tell you
not to go to that place?
It is me, who is your intimate friend.
In this imaginary plain of non-existence,
I am your spring of eternal life.
Even if you lose yourself in wrath
for a hundred thousand years,
at the end you will discover,
it is me, who is the culmination of your dreams.
Didn't I tell you
not to be satisfied with the veil of this world?
I am the master illusionist,
it is me, who is the welcoming banner at the gate of your contentment.
Didn't I tell you?
I am an ocean, you are a fish;
do not go to the dry land,
it is me, who is your comforting body of water.
Didn't I tell you
not to fall in this trap like a blind bird?
I am your wings, I am the strength in your wings,
I am the wind keeping you in flight.
Didn't I tell you
that they will kidnap you from the path?
They will steal your warmth,
and take your devotion away.
I am your fire, I am your heartbeat,
I am the life in your breath.
Didn't I tell you?
They will accuse you of all the wrongdoings,
they will call you ugly names,
they will make you forget
it is me, who is the source of your happiness.
Didn't I tell you?
Wonder not, how your life will turn out,
how you will ever get your world in order,
it is me, who is your omnipresent creator.
If your are a guiding torch of the heart,
know the path to that house.
If you are a person of God, know this,
It is me, who is the chief of the village of your life."

Good times, good times. Hee. Aw, poetry cheered me up. I'm such a nerd. Heh. Damn, now I really want to post my favorite poems from other people. Should I?

For now, anyway, I'll end it there. And post my Pic O' The Day: voila!. Hee, the Koin Tower is our landmark? How lame.