That God!

[rachg82]

So, chat today amused me muchly.

You have just entered room "Meta Chat."
Raquelitah35: Hey girls
ZRunker has entered the room.
AuraSmack has entered the room.
rachmarieg: hey ladies
Patricia250: hey yall
rachmarieg: and fellas
AuraSmack: hey
Alexia Eve: hey
ZRunker: sean
Ren18Au has entered the room.
Ren18Au: my little boys just got beat 47-7
Boothemod has entered the room.
Boothemod: how is your uncle patricia?
Patricia250: he is good
Patricia250: they said it probably wasnt a heart attack, that God
Patricia250: thank*
Boothemod: phew
AuraSmack: yeah that god and hsi wiley tricks
Patricia250: hehe
rachmarieg: that's wonderful. do they have any idea what it is?
Raquelitah35: God is wild.
ZRunker: God is such a tease
Ren18Au: thats good pat
Patricia250: they said it could be gallstones
Boothemod: ouch
ZRunker: he's all "I'll heal you!" and then doesn;t
rachmarieg: wow. slightly different
Patricia250: yeah
rachmarieg: i imagine god laughing at me, a lot of the time
rachmarieg: saying "that rachael!"
ZRunker: I think god has hobbies
Patricia250: He probably says that for alot of us
ZRunker: like hunting, or stamp collecting
rachmarieg: he plays bingo?
ZRunker: can't control the universe 247
rachmarieg: i can see god bowling
ZRunker: a man needs hobbies
Patricia250: He would win every game though
Patricia250: so how is that fair to anyone?
Boothemod: Do you think God likes movies?
ZRunker: that's why he collects stamps
Raquelitah35: Hee. Stamp collecting.
Raquelitah35: God's such a loser.
rachmarieg: nah, angels could fly in and move the ball over, just to tease him
ZRunker: I think it frustrates him though
rachmarieg: heee
Patricia250: then He would expel them from heaven though
Raquelitah35: No! Let ME play for once!
rachmarieg: i love the idea of god, frustrated over stamps
ZRunker: like, he coukd create the stamo he wants out of dust, but he knows that'sa not fair
AuraSmack: heh
Raquelitah35: He's always torn.
Raquelitah35: Poor, poor God.
Ren18Au: what nationality do you think god is?
Boothemod: i think even God could see the appeal of MmmmOrli. He would just sit there thinking: "Damn I did a good job there"
rachmarieg: hee, this god is cute
ZRunker: and then Ms. God puts him on a diet cuz his blood pressure is to high
rachmarieg: haha
Raquelitah35: Aw
ZRunker: makes God angry
rachmarieg: and he's all "c'moooon, can't i have some pizza?"
Patricia250: boo, He would say the same about Giles
rachmarieg: she's all "no!"
AuraSmack: I bet he created humans jsut so we would eventually make stamps for him to collect
ZRunker: and he could smite her, but it'd be soo much work
Boothemod: yes he would
ZRunker: God just wants to drink beer and watch monday night football
rachmarieg: god is whipped
rachmarieg: i love it
Ren18Au: he probably has the penny black perfect
ZRunker: heh sean
AuraSmack: thank you
ZRunker: the thing that irks god the most? he gets no salary
rachmarieg: he comes down to earth, everyone gets all excited, but he's all "no, i just came to tlel you to make more stamps. duh"
rachmarieg: then he leaves
Patricia250: thsat would stink
Ren18Au: and no appreaction!
Boothemod: Does the bible have an explanation for black people? Or was Adam or Eve black?
ZRunker: all he gets is those bitches in heaven pestering him all the time
Boothemod: just wondering
ZRunker: poop children
Ren18Au: they would have been arabic
Patricia250: adamn and eve were probably
Patricia250: a mix of all the main races
ZRunker: every time you shit you created another black person
Ren18Au: thats why racism makes me luagh
ZRunker: just like when you ring a bell an angel gets their wings
Boothemod: I love that movie
rachmarieg: everyone started in africa
rachmarieg: and moved from there
Raquelitah35: hahaha
AuraSmack: I think he's pissed that he signed a long term contract thousands of years ago, so now he's paid in a form of currency no longer recognized as legal tender
Ren18Au: like a lot of christians i know are all "dirty arabs" and i try to start explaning to them that jesus was an arab
ZRunker: heh
rachmarieg: i know, ren!
ZRunker: god hates perople who call him in the middle of the night
Boothemod: And how Jesus was Jewish
Ren18Au: its like you're dumb!
ZRunker: he';s trying to sleep dammit!
Patricia250: yay! dinner
rachmarieg: oh man, coggs, god hates me then!
Ren18Au: but the jews killed jesus!
rachmarieg: i always pray late at night
Patricia250: sorry to leave the God chat, but...food calls
ZRunker: god is very angry he ever created telemarketers
Patricia250: I pray just before I go to bed
ZRunker: it's not prays
Ren18Au: i used to
Boothemod: Not all jews killed Jesus. Just a select few
rachmarieg: haha, telemarketers pray in the middle of his dinner
Patricia250: hehe
Boothemod: heeee
ZRunker: it's the people in heaven who call him with questions
Patricia250 has left the room.
ZRunker: "gooood we're bored"
ZRunker: that makes him angry
ZRunker: he gave them a water slide, what more do they want!
Ren18Au: im horny!
Ren18Au: let us have sex!
rachmarieg: he starts throwing lightning bolts
ZRunker: no, he doesn;t
ZRunker: too much work
rachmarieg: and no one is threatened, they just think it's cute
ZRunker: god is just tired a lot
rachmarieg: yes, he does
ZRunker: HE DOESN'T!
Ren18Au: he is millions of years olf
Boothemod: He should replicate all the cute people, make them stupid, and give one to each of us
rachmarieg: hee
Boothemod: of the sex of our choice
ZRunker: god just wants to watch Must See TV and nap
Boothemod: God created Must See TV?
ZRunker: it's humanity that gives him high blood pressure and ulcers
Ren18Au: i think god is a dawson creeks fan
rachmarieg: hee, and sit in his ez chair, watching will and grace
Boothemod: heeeeeee
Ren18Au: and a p/jer at that!
Boothemod: that explains why it is still on TV
ZRunker: which pisses him off because he created high blood pressure
AuraSmack: that fool
ZRunker: he wasn';t thinking!
Boothemod: I hate Danii Minogue
ZRunker: it was in college, he was experimenting
rachmarieg: hee, god in college
Ren18Au: damn stupid college
Boothemod: She's such a fuckwit. Get off my TV Buttplug!
Ren18Au: god college?
rachmarieg: who would teach him?
Ren18Au: was he in the same class as zeus?
ZRunker: well he called it college
rachmarieg: it was just him, in a room?
ZRunker: really he hid in the basement for 4 years
Boothemod: Buddha has the coolest name. i wonder if God gets jealous
Ren18Au: maybe that's where all the god/satan fics came rfom!
ZRunker: nah, they're hunting buddies
rachmarieg: the one who woke up
rachmarieg: that's what it means, basically
ZRunker: they have matching orange hats
Ren18Au: what about vishnu?
ZRunker: they don't hunt with him
rachmarieg: all the hindu gods are totally there
Boothemod: Buddha still better
ZRunker: all those arms make him a cocky bitch
Ren18Au: but buddha gets annoyed when god kills cows
Boothemod: although Vishnu has the trunk working for her
Ren18Au: and gods all "what?"
ZRunker: gods all, whatever vishnu, shpoot the duck already
rachmarieg: vishnu doesn't have the trunk
Boothemod: elephant head
rachmarieg: no
Boothemod: or am i confused?
rachmarieg: different god
ZRunker: look, it doesn't matter
rachmarieg: vishnu is one of the trinity
Ren18Au: isn't vishnu in the simpsons?
Ren18Au: or is that ganesha
Ren18Au: ?
ZRunker: what matters is that they throw god off his game
rachmarieg: ganesha has the elephent head
ZRunker: him and allah are buddies though
Boothemod: yeah you're right. i was think of ganesha
Boothemod: my bad
rachmarieg: vishnu is the sustainer
rachmarieg: i like ho i know this shit
rachmarieg: hee
ZRunker: they play poker together against buddha and confuscious
Ren18Au: i know it from the simpsons
rachmarieg: shiva's there, dancing and shit
Ren18Au: allah is the umpire
rachmarieg: um, allah is god
rachmarieg: it's just arabic for god
ZRunker: technically confuscious isn;t a god but they let it slide cuz he makes a bean dip that is to die for
Ren18Au: but would they be the same god?
rachmarieg: hee, coggs
rachmarieg: he comes from the old testament
AuraSmack: they are totally different gods
rachmarieg: it's just their interpretation of him
ZRunker: dude, they're differnet people
Ren18Au: for that matter would yaveah be a differnt god too?
AuraSmack: God has a beard, Allah has a nice rack. totally different
rachmarieg: that would mean the jewish god is different from the christian god too t;hen
ZRunker: how else could they be on a poker team
Ren18Au: that is how you spell the jewish gods name?
rachmarieg: yahweah?
rachmarieg: or something like that?
Ren18Au: yeah
ZRunker: gods imnipotent and all, but he can't be in two places at once
Ren18Au: and jehovah too
AuraSmack: and elohim
Ren18Au: maybe god is a quintuptle and thats why everyone has different gods?
rachmarieg: lao tsu is there
rachmarieg: he just meditates in the corner
rachmarieg: everyone thinks he's a little offf
ZRunker: people what's god called doesn't matter
ZRunker: it's the bean dip that's important
rachmarieg: heh, i'm all "let's be accurate, people!"
ZRunker: you think all those suicide cults kill each other for fun? no, they want confuscious's rockin dip
Ren18Au: cause god and buddha hunting is SOOOO accurate]
ZRunker: they know what's up
rachmarieg: shhh
ZRunker: they would hunt
rachmarieg: i flove the idea of buddha and god hunting
ZRunker: god giveth and he taketh and sometimes he taketh wearing a camfluage vest
AuraSmack: heh
ZRunker: and buddha is fat, he needs food
Ren18Au: jesus always packs the bongs
Boothemod: How is Basil, ren?
ZRunker: why would jesus smoke weed around his dad?
ZRunker: jesus isn't an idiot
Ren18Au: adorable
Boothemod: awwww
Ren18Au: crying cause mums vacumning and hes in his cage
Boothemod: awww
Boothemod: cage?!
Ren18Au: he dosent smoke around his dad!
ZRunker: jesus tokes up in the basement with his friends
ZRunker: "dude, I think you're dads coming"
rachmarieg: the hindu and greek gods
Ren18Au: well kennel thingy
ZRunker: "quick, hide the bong!"
ZRunker: "like that'll work, he's all god and stuff"
rachmarieg: right, he sees all and knows all
ZRunker: "you got any cheese man?"
rachmarieg: silly jesus
Ren18Au: "whaats uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup"
Boothemod: God has a good sense of smell. Like a ringwraith, except less evil
ZRunker: I think jesus would do some hard drugs too
Ren18Au: like the scream dude in scarfy movie
ZRunker: who cares? he's dead
ZRunker: he even got a tatoo and spacer, cuz what's his dad gonna do? kill him aagin?
rachmarieg: all the native american gods got him into hallucinogens
Ren18Au: if hes bad enough then the second coming is gone
ZRunker: he always throws that whole 'dying for humanity' thing in Giods face when they're fighting
ZRunker: makes God angry, why can't Jesus just let go?
AuraSmack: because god made him die for us
rachmarieg: jesus is like old highschool football stars, with his dying for our sins thing
ZRunker: yea, of course jesus is pissed
rachmarieg: god is like "it's in the past! let go!"
Ren18Au: that would have hurt!
ZRunker: that's why he listens to indie music, cuts his hair, and does a lot of coke
Ren18Au: "i went through pain for you and you won't let me smoke weed! that is Haaarsh"
rachmarieg: he's like a rebellious teenager
rachmarieg: you don't understand me, dad!
ZRunker: it's his way of reaching out
ZRunker: jesus is all "dude, dad, you just don't get me!" and slams his fist
ZRunker: then he leaves the house in his 87 civic
Ren18Au: hes crying out for attention
rachmarieg: aw, poor jesus
Ren18Au: and i think he has post tramatic stress disorder
ZRunker: whatever, jesus is a pussy
Patricia250 has entered the room.
ZRunker: he gets picked on at school and God just wants him to show some backbone for fucks sake
AuraSmack: I think its funny that jesus rebels by getting a haircut
ZRunker: be a man jesus!
Raquelitah35: What a sad motherfucker.
rachmarieg: which greek god was tied to the rock?
ZRunker: jesus?
Raquelitah35: Yeah
Raquelitah35: Poor bastard
rachmarieg: with the bird eating his organs and stuff?
ZRunker: no man, jesus is hot
AuraSmack: prometheus
rachmarieg: he'd be all "you're pathetic" to him
ZRunker: he's totally smokin
rachmarieg: like "i know pain, man!"
Raquelitah35: Dude, but he's obviously a lil bitch.
rachmarieg: prometheus?
AuraSmack: and he was a titan, so only sort of a god
rachmarieg: he just wanted to give us fire!
ZRunker: he's not a bitch, he's edgey
AuraSmack: yeah
ZRunker: ok, a bit of a bitch, but he died for everyones sins
ZRunker: can't he just snort this line in peace?
rachmarieg: jesus was a nice guy, he showed everyone love
AuraSmack: only if he can make enough for everyone!
rachmarieg: even the hos
Ren18Au: he died for me let him do coke!
ZRunker: seriously
ZRunker: get off jesus back, alright
rachmarieg: hee
AuraSmack: liek if he can divide eightballs liek they were fish and bread, go jesus
ZRunker: heh
ZRunker: he doesn;t even need to buy it
Raquelitah35: Seriously.
Raquelitah35: Jesus shouldn't be so selfish.
ZRunker: he shares
rachmarieg: yeah
ZRunker: but no one knows his pain!
Raquelitah35: Oh? Where's my coke, then?
rachmarieg: he doesn't share with dirty PRs
ZRunker: when your ead raq you can chill with jesus
Raquelitah35: Ohhhh.
Raquelitah35: I get it now.
ZRunker: why do you think people kill themselves? for sweet jesus coke
Raquelitah35: Done and done!
ZRunker: a non-dead person cou;ldn;t handle that blow
rachmarieg: and the confucious beandip
Raquelitah35: And sweet Jesus ass?
Raquelitah35: You SAID he was hot.
rachmarieg: oh, man
Raquelitah35: I'm just sayin.
rachmarieg: so wrong
rachmarieg: heh
ZRunker: he is hot dude
ZRunker: and he's a nice guy
Patricia250 has left the room.
rachmarieg: that is true
ZRunker: lets face it, jesus is as close to perfect as one can be
rachmarieg: i think him and mary magdelene had a little sumthin sumthin goin' on, on the side
ZRunker: he has his faults, but the weed and looks will take your doubts away
rachmarieg: think they're together now?
ZRunker: no, marys a bitch ass
ZRunker: she's all, with satan and shit
Raquelitah35: Man, I'd love to get a piece of Jesus.
ZRunker: that don't sit well with the messiah
rachmarieg: i thought saddam was with satan
rachmarieg: heh
rachmarieg: <--watches south park
Raquelitah35: So, is the chat with Jesus now?
rachmarieg: hee
rachmarieg: i know
ZRunker: jesus is rocking
rachmarieg: saddam killed it, damn't
ZRunker: he always has the cool clothes
ZRunker: and he's like, the cool kid at high school
rachmarieg: i think jesus wears hawaiian shirts
rachmarieg: he's chill
ZRunker: but people still pick on him!
ZRunker: hawaiian shirts? jesus is bi, not a pfucking pansy
rachmarieg: he's hippy!
rachmarieg: he plays the drums
AuraSmack: but he is not magnum PI
ZRunker: he's not a hippy
rachmarieg: yes he is
rachmarieg: hee
ZRunker: he doesn;t play drums
AuraSmack: so no hawaiian shirts
rachmarieg: damn't!
rachmarieg: okay
Raquelitah35: Dude, you're getting Jesus confused with my dad, rach.
rachmarieg: haha
ZRunker: he's the son of god, why would he play an easy instrument?
rachmarieg: he just seems the type
ZRunker: he plays guitar like it was part of his arm
Ren18Au has left the room.
rachmarieg: he's all "love your enemy"
ZRunker: sometimes he jams with the dead beatles
rachmarieg: oooh, jesus is cool
ZRunker: no, jesus is a commie, not a hippy
rachmarieg: so, he's too extreme, even for the hippies?
ZRunker: no, he can hang with the hippies
ZRunker: but he's totally not one
rachmarieg: okay
ZRunker: jesus can't wait until college when he'll get some independence
rachmarieg: yeah, you can't box jesus in. makes sense
ZRunker: it feels like he's been in high school for enternity
rachmarieg: heh
rachmarieg: god is listening to this right now, saying "and i created these people. sigh"
ZRunker: no dude it's friday
ZRunker: gods at bowling league
rachmarieg: can god wear hawaiian shirts? sometimes?
ZRunker: yea
rachmarieg: hee, cool
Alexia Eve: you guys scare the shit out of me
Alexia Eve: just for the record
rachmarieg: heeeee

I like how I kept trying to make it all accurate, like "No, Ganesha's the one with the elephant head, people! Sheesh!" Like, no one cares, Rachael. Hee.

I hope I can bowl with God, after I die! That would fucking rock, yo.

I went upstairs a bit ago, and looked in the kitchen, and suddenly we have twix cookie bars (cookies, with twix toppings), Nature Valley Granola bars (which I love, btw), and chocolate donuts. Damn! I asked my Mom, "What are you trying to do? Make me happy, or something?" and she was like "I'm trying to get you to gain weight." The hell? Why does everyone in my family think I'm so skinny? Dude. I'm thin, but I definitely shouldn't gain weight. My Mom used to be my weight! She's smokin' crack. She just wants to fatten me up, maybe they're all planning on eating me. Scary. But, hey, if I get donuts out of it, what the Hell. Hee. She can buy me this shit as long as she wants. I'm not gaining weight, though. Haha, I foiled your plans, woman!