Memories, like the corners of my mind

[rachg82]

So, remember when I did that long-ass Year In Review entry, last year? I'm doing it again. But, try as I might, I can't avoid it being way longer now, because I only started writing in my own lj in September last year, and even with the private diary I kept before it, I still didn't have nearly as much to take quotes from then as I do this time. I know I'll probably be the only person to read these (I may post them in multiple parts), although I'm certainly not just putting this together for me or whatever (I just know this really will be long, and people have lives. Heh), but I can't resist wasting time on it, because I like having my last Year In Review to look back on, so I think I'd like to have it for this year too. I enjoy being able to go to a single entry or two, and be taken down memory lane in such an organized, thorough way.

As before, this will basically just consist of quotes from various entries written over the last year, and where I feel it's worth it, I'll add my thoughts on what was said, and its relevance and all that.

I think it will end up being posted in about three different segments, since each one is long by itself, and posting them as one would just be insane. I'm posting this first one now, but the next two probably won't get done until tomorrow or so, since I'm going over to my sister's tonight. I kind of wish I'd had all my New Years talk out of the way before the new year itself, but oh well. I hope everyone has a nice New Years Eve, drinks a little sumthin-sumthin (I certainly plan to, if only a little). And as I said last year, here's hoping the next year involves a lot more laughter, and a lot less tears, for everyone. I love you all, dearly.



January 1st: "On a funnier note, my sister's paranoia never fails to amuse me. I got home, and Mom was on the phone with her, making this "for the love of God" face. Hee. She was all "Corinne, you can drink Ensure while pregnant. No, it's not too much protein, or vitamins. Sigh." Heh! Yeah, Corinne, and if you drink three glasses of juice in a day? Your baby will explode. The best part is that I think if I actually said that to her, she'd be like "Shut up. . .wait, is it okay to drink juice? You're kidding, right? You sure?"

It was just over a year ago (mid-month, I believe) that we found out my sister was pregnant. A few months before that, Lance and Corinne were in a strange limbo state in the relationship, "sort of" broken up and "sort of" together, and not knowing where they were headed. A few months after the discovery, they were married. The pregnancy itself was exciting for everyone, and certainly entertaining, if only because my sister's normal nuttiness was allowed even crazier pastures in which to roam. Heh.

January 8th: "I had an epic entry in progress last night, but got kicked off the computer by Joe before I'd finished it. The three plus hours of crazy bitchitude earlier that afternoon hadn't been enough, I guess, because Mom was still going off at me (at 12:30, for those who are curious) and finally I gave in and told her to fuck off (I hadn't been saying anything to her, really, before that. So it hadn't been a back-and-forth argument, keep in mind. Just her, ranting to herself about me and Dad, and everything else that had anything to do with me. It was one of what I like to call a "Let's rip Rachael apart day"), and Joe came in the office and booted me off the computer. Nice.

I don't know. I could try and rewrite it, but I feel pretty drained of emotional energy. Cliff's notes version is that work sucked, life sucked, everything sucked. That, and I was feeling like smashing everything in my room. And then slashing my wrists. Great day, in other words.

But, obviously, although I felt that way, my room is intact and so am I. I just felt very angry and depressed. I didn't leave my room today really, or eat anything until, well, now. And I guess now I'm okay. Or something resembling that. I will be soon enough, anyway. Whatever.

I want to call the doctor I was seeing before, and start seeing him again. He isn't covered by my new insurance, though, so I'll have to agree on a price I could afford with him, out of pocket. I need to finish the program though, particularly with the social anxiety. Not to mention the rest. I want the option of working somewhere else. And getting the fuck out of this house. It's not always bad, living here. It would be nice to be able to live at home, while finishing school. But then there's days like yesterday, and it's times like those that I wish I just felt like I had options. Rather than feeling utterly trapped. Which is how I feel, now."

As a lot of quotes will show here, it was a pretty hard year, between my Mom and I. She and I have been getting along better over the last month, although you never know if or when things will change, with her. But regardless, even if I still have problems with depression and anxiety, I do feel less trapped now, when it comes to being in this house. I have to give thanks to keenai, because it was some of her comments about office jobs that helped me, since I hadn't known before that there were part-time positions in it really, didn't know much about temping, and stuff like that. I also thought you would have to be older, with more experience, to get anything. So, when I found out otherwise, I remembered it, and it helped give me the motivation to look for a new job, and know that retail wasn't it for me. Like, if I needed more money, or got fired, or needed to work full-time, I had other options. It was good to know that, and still is. It's helped, when I've had worries about the anxiety interfering with what jobs I can do, or about needing to be out of the house, and all that. Options, man. It's all about feeling like you have them, in life. But of course, looking into those options has obviously meant I've had to face my anxiety more. A lot of this year has involved my efforts to make that happen. But even if I did find myself unable to work as a receptionist or something, it goes back to the options again, because I know there's jobs out there that I could still do. If I had to, I could do data entry or some crap, while I worked on overcoming whatever relapse I was going through. So, you see what I mean. Options.

January 9th: "I swear, I came so close to molesting that boy. Hee. While we were talking, I just wanted to get up and kiss him. Seriously. Like not pondering it, mind you, just suddenly having that impulse. I had to tamp it down. Heh. What a shame. Ugh, he is so cute. CUTE! Heeeee. Like I'm overwhelmed by the cuteness, and have to get up and yell it to the Heavens, at the top of my lungs. CUUUUUUUTE! Then I just sit back down, all nonchalantly, like nothing just happenned. Haha."

Man, oh man. Biggest. Crush. Ever. No other crush in my life reached the depths of infatuation and lust that this one did. I just hope I didn't miss a great opportunity, by not bucking up and asking him out, before I quit that job. I don't really believe in fate, but I do hope I'll run into him or something, if the universe really did want us together.

January 11th: "Speaking of Tabitha, though, I really miss her. I feel like having a cry about it, but I'm tired of crying. Just in general. I don't like to cry."

The cat I had between the ages of three and twenty died last December, or disappeared I should say (and we thus assumed she passed away), and I missed her this year. It's helped to have a new kitten though. Not because Tabbers could ever be replaced, but because Boots is special in her own way, and a pet is just good for the soul. If you're an animal lover, anyway.

January 12th: "I have another resolution too, though. It's something I've been trying to do for a while, anyway, but I'm making it a part of my resolutions just to sort of really make it a point of being important or what have you. It's to continue being honest with people, when I'm feeling down and insecure. Obviously, you can't pour out your heart to anybody and everybody in life, but I mean with those who are close to me. Or not exactly always coming right out and telling them how I'm feeling, but at least behaving honestly. Like, if I have a friend, and I want to see them, but am feeling my usual "I like them more than they like me. I should not call them too much, so I don't seem needy"? Call them anyway. You know, rather than do what I used to do, which was always pull back when I felt like that, and not tell the person. Or act all nonchalant, not calling them, or really acting like it mattered to me if I talked to them, etc. All that ever ended in was lost friendships. Whenever I've done the opposite, and put myself out there, it's been a positive thing. With the exception of Amy, of course. But, you know, I don't think that friendship was going to last anyway. And it hurt, to open myself up and show my vulnerabilities, just to be rejected like that, but in the end it was probably for the best. And I can't tell myself that won't ever happen again with people, but at least then I'd know the friendship ended with me being honest, rather than it just fading away, and having all sorts of what-ifs hanging around afterwards."

I'd say it's definitely been my best year ever, when it comes to me keeping that promise, in comparison to the past. And Amy ended up wanting to bring the friendship back to life anyway, later. I bet if I hadn't been honest with her back then, it would've kept eating away at me, and I can't imagine our friendship would've thrived under conditions like that. Which is not to say it's thriving now, but I feel better about the "me" in it, than I would had I never been brave there. Honesty really did turn out to be the best policy, looking back. Even though it hurt, when she first rejected me, and went so long not ever talking to me.

For this next one, instead of quoting a specific excerpt, I'll just link to the whole entry, because I've never done the "memory" thing, but at the time I wrote this, fishy told me I should do it with that one since she liked it. So I'll at least give it a nod, here. Heh. It's a memorable entry anyway, because it talks about wedding-related stuff. And, obviously, the wedding played a large part in the year.

January 17th: "Moving on, today was chock full of emotional drama. There's been lots of convo between Mom and I about Dad lately (especially after she went nutso on me), particularly last night, and Mom decided to call him. Officially to just tell him directly the news about Corinne (because she thought it was the right thing to do, and I guess he said he appreciated that, because he'd only heard about it through Mary), but also to talk to him about the situation between him and Corinne. I sat on the stairs, and listened."

January 18th: "Remember how Mom and I were getting along for about a day or two, earlier this week? Yeah, that's over. Figures. This new medication she's on, um, no. She was a little off, yesterday, but okay. Today, though, she's all Crazy McBitcherson from Psychoville. She just told me to kiss her ass, actually. Isn't that lovely?

If I had less restraint, that bottle of diet pepsi in my hand would definitely have been thrown directly at her head. She inspires violent urges in me, sometimes. Seriously. Like, total, utter burning RAGE! You know what I need? A spare room, like the one in "How To Make An American Quilt," you know, where that lady smashed the shit out of all that stuff, and then glued it to the walls? Yeah. I need a RAGE! room. Just me, a bat, and things to smash. Sounds good.

Okay, you know, I just went upstairs (after posting this, I'm editing right now) and, I have one question. Anyone have a tranquilizer dart handy? She's gone from slightly off but okay to one step from a padded room in one day. Wow. Great medication! Way to go! I don't know if she's directing her screaming obscenities at me, Joe, or Corinne, and I really don't feel like going up there and finding out."

January 19th: "I don't know how long she'll be gone for, I guess we'll find out. She says probably like five days. But who knows. My birthday is next Monday. I don't think anyone's really going to give a shit, this year. Everyone's attention is focused on Corinne's upcoming wedding as it is, but now with this, it's just like, I don't know, whatever. I don't have friends to celebrate it with either (in person, I mean), and it just sucks, I guess. Then again, I'm used to holidays and special occasions blowing, for me."

Mom started the depakote then, and ended up in the hospital for the second time in a year, and the third time in three years. Unlike during my twentieth birthday though, she was back home by the time I turned twenty one. But I don't think it's a coincidence that she was nothing but drama, all year, after starting that medication, and that she's been better off it, even without anything else. So far, anyway.

January 23rd: "But I have to admit there's this little part of me lurking in the background, which is like "Yeah, screw all that healthy mentality shit. How about you eat as little as possible? Look at that scale. You got down to 95, just so you could go back up to 102? And you were feeling good the other day? Are you blind? You're going to gain it all back again, at this rate. Just like last time. You'll be 110, before you know it. Loser." Um, I have issues."

I am back up to 110, now. Le sigh.

January 28th: "I have to pee EVERY SECOND. Seriously. This is ridiculous. I'm in a great mood, though. Very cheery. And of course in the mood for conversation. I always get this way, when I drink. Heh. I become Ms. Conversationalist. Come, speak to me about all sorts of deep issues! For hours on end! Who cares if we really make sense! We'll talk too loud, and feel like we're brilliant! Fun for all!

I also feel like finding a man, and getting my seducing on. Heeee. I should drink more often. And now I can! Because I'm 21! I mean, I could drink before, but it's much easier now. You know, with the whole minor "legality" issue coming into play. Heh. Life of alchoholism, here I come!

Haha, just kidding."

January 29th: "Mini-Corinne is about 13/14 weeks along, now (roughly). Last night, I looked up information about the baby's growth at that stage, and it's so amazing. This one site had great info about the changes that occur every week. It's crazy how much changes in just a week.

thirteen weeks, and fourteen weeks. Specifically, this is the stuff that made me go squeeee!:

(for 13 wks) "And when you poke your stomach gently and she feels it, your baby will start rooting — that is, act as if she's searching for a nipple."

(for 14 wks) "About now, the fetus can grasp, squint, frown, and grimace. It may even be able to suck its thumb."

It's only like 3/4 inches long (head to booty), and it's all making faces and sucking its thumb! For goodness' sake! *squeals*. . .

. . .I guess when she sees the doctor in about a month, they'll probably be able to find out the gender. Whoo! Obviously, all of us will be equally happy with either a boy or a girl, but we're all just dying to know anyway. I'm kind of hoping it's a girl now, though. If anything, so she can have my middle name. Hee. Because it's all about me! Well, that and you can dress girls up and stuff! It'll be so much fun. That kid is going to have one devoted little auntie. Cheeks are getting pinched, people! Hee. Okay, no. But I will ooh and ahh over her to the point of being completely obnoxious."

Obviously, "Mini-Corinne" ended up being a boy. Or "Little Man" as I call him, often. I haven't pinched any cheeks yet, because I think it would just make him cry (hee), but I am still fairly obnoxious about him, as I predicted. Heh, everyone's all sarcastic, like "You? Obnoxious? Never!"

January 31st: "rachmarieg: ha! i bet those smurfs were horny little bastards. i mean, with just one woman?
o TinkerI3ell o: I know! It's like they were all ready to just turn gay then Smurfette shows up prancing around in her little dress all "Oh Papa!"
rachmarieg: "will you smurf me?"
o TinkerI3ell o: Smurf my smurf
rachmarieg: hee. smurf kind of sounds like a word for cooter
o TinkerI3ell o: Dude! I am so calling it my smurf now
rachmarieg: ha!
rachmarieg: you should
rachmarieg: so wrong
o TinkerI3ell o: "my smurf is bleeding!" hee
rachmarieg: i just picture a smurf's head between your legs, when you say that, i hope you know
rachmarieg: you'd want that, though, wouldn't you?
rachmarieg: sick bastard
o TinkerI3ell o: HA! That is so quoteable"

For some reason, I didn't talk as much with online friends this year, as last fall and winter, through AIM and all that. I'm not sure if it's because it was a little inevitable, since I used to talk to people so much that it was impossible to keep up such a thing, or if it was an early symptom (or maybe factor?) in the depression that fell this fall, with me withdrawing or something. Because I also updated my LJ a lot less often, for a while. I started trying to get back to updating more, the last month or so, because I noticed that. And I got my AIM back, although I still don't talk as much. I just don't have that much to always talk about, right now, that I haven't already gone on about here, or that isn't negative and thus something I'd rather leave alone. I think I'll probably get on AIM more when I go back to school; I just have the feeling. Nevertheless, I did still occasionally have some fun conversations with friends, like tink, this year, and it was the friendships I had with you guys here that helped me through this year. I don't know what I'd have done, without you all.

February 5th: "It's like, so maybe I have potential, but who will ever know, because I never show it. So maybe I don't have it, really. And what good is intelligence or talent anyway, if you never express it? I can't put on a grad school application, "People say I'm smart. Too bad I didn't show it in those grades, huh?" Furthermore, I didn't have any special extracurricular activities or fancy awards or community service to put down, back then. And I certainly don't, now. The fact of the matter is that I am--on paper--a mediocre student with some moments of greatness. A student who is inconsistent, and who has nothing special to seperate herself from the thousands of others applying for her spot. . .

. . .I feel like what's most likely for me in my future is that I will settle. Maybe I deserve to have some dream career, but not everyone gets one. And I seriously doubt myself being one of those people who succeeds at it. I don't know. It's depressing. I feel like real shit, sometimes. I saw some of this cartoon they had on MTV the other night, with the kids in college? And, God, it's pretty pathetic when you feel inferior compared to fucking cartoon characters. But there you go. Sometimes I feel like, when it comes down to it, I'm not talented enough to get some dream career to begin with. And, with the no-money, fucked-up grades, not knowing what I even want to do. . .I don't know. Whatever. Hopeless. That's the word I'm looking for."

I still have a hard time with the pessimism toward my future. But comments from keen and jasminelily for that entry helped my concerns about things like grad school, and other worries that would relate to that sort of deal, because they helped remind me that they don't only look at your GPA.

February 7th: "rachmarieg: god, i am so annoyingly paranoid. whenever i take aspirin or something, i do this "am I sure i didn't take it at such and such time? did i really take it four hours ago?" like i'm going to overdose or something. *rolls eyes*
o TinkerI3ell o: hee! Oh god I was just doing that. My migraine is back and I'm paranoid about taking another pill
rachmarieg: i need to start writing down when i take something. i'm turning into my sister. heh.
o TinkerI3ell o: hee. you need post it notes everywhere
rachmarieg: i do! then i'd probably doubt my notes. "what if i took something, and forgot to write it down?"
o TinkerI3ell o: hee!
rachmarieg: i swear, this is my life. hee. welcome to my psyche
o TinkerI3ell o: poor rach. I'm not much better though
rachmarieg: heh, aren't obsessive worries fun, kids?
rachmarieg: hee, that made me imagine a kids show for OCD. like a mr. rogers guy, with a bunch of kids in front of him. "now, children, it's time for our next game. i like to call it "are you sure you locked that door?"'
o TinkerI3ell o: HA! That is so my show
rachmarieg: "run, children! make sure to check it, before the axe murderer gets in! for the love of god!"
rachmarieg: "and the oven! turn it off! before the house explodes! quick!"
rachmarieg: haha
rachmarieg: the kids are all crying
rachmarieg: "i want my mommy"
o TinkerI3ell o: haha! That's great
rachmarieg: hee. i'm amused
o TinkerI3ell o: quick! bolt the door 5 times! It has to be 5 times not 4 or 6
rachmarieg: haha! exactly"

I totally write that stuff down now, a lot of the time. Heh. I didn't this morning, and then had to go through the OCD-ness before taking anything else, just now. Like I'm going to die, if I take a few Excedrin an hour early.

February 9th: "After the fight, Kyle went and spent the night at a friend's house. Hmph, well. Heh. Kid's growing up, man. I barely saw him, the whole weekend. He didn't even watch the fight with us. He spends all his time now talking to friends, via IM. Hmmm, now who does that remind me of? Hee. He's talking to real life friends, though. Mostly girls too, I guess. Heh. Little mack daddy. And today he went to a movie, too. I remember the days when he'd follow me around, and not want to talk to his friends or play with them, when I was over. Sniff. Kids grow up so fast!"

My brother turned 13, this October, which is crazy. I am going to really miss him being that kid that would follow me around, and worship me for everything I did. I hope we don't grow apart too much now, what with him being a teenager, and living out of state.

February 11th: "See, I talked with my lovah again. The conversation probably lasted about five or ten minutes, and another person was there for about half of it, but still. That's really all it takes, people. Heh. Well, that, and the minor fact that he's just a beautiful, beautiful man. *smiles dreamily* Hee. Two seconds of being in his presence is enough to like distract me for the rest of the night. My Mom was blabbing on and on to me in the car, on the way home, and I think I heard only the last couple minutes of what she said. Hee. I just nodded every now and then, like "Uh-huh. . .yeah. . .oh, really?"

I think it's safe to say this is a full-blown crush at this point. I wish I knew if he had a girlfriend, or if he was interested in me at all. I don't want to make an ass of myself, you know? Then again, I'm not exactly the most forward girl in the world. I wouldn't be all that surprised if he thought I was just friendly, and had no clue I was trying to flirt. Heh. So sad. I do act differently to him, though, compared to some random guy I'm not attracted to at all, if someone really paid attention. But, like I said, I don't exactly walk up to him and say "I'm gonna suck you so hard, you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass." Haha. . .

. . .I almost didn't go, actually. I'm glad I did, and not just because I need the money, or because they would've been screwed without me there. At first, I didn't want to go because I started feeling really nauseous, and sick to my stomach. Like, really. But then I started getting really anxious. Kind of panicky. Weak-kneed, trembling hands, all that fun stuff. So I had to argue with myself, to get myself to go. I ended up being like fifteen minutes late, because of the tummy sickness (you don't want to know), and how the mental debate over going delayed me. At least one point is taken away, rather than two, because I called ahead of time, to let them know I'd be late. I'm not happy that I lost another point, but what can you do? Can't change it now. At least I went at all. That was good. *gives self pat on the back*"

I picked that quote because it shows my sad attempts to flirt, and the progression of the crush, while also including a little example of how many times I had to work shifts that were wrought with anxiety. But I'm proud of myself for that, because going through it helped me in the end, and I do think it says a lot about my drive to get past this.

February 13th: "I thought I'd update on how the efforts of weighing myself less were going, since it's kind of a new thing for me. It's touch and go. I think trying to get myself to not look at the scale every day is a good thing, though, even if I have a hard time not doing it. Like, okay, so I did weigh myself a couple times today. But I'm not doing that nearly as often. More often lately it's been once a day, or once every other day. Improvement, at least. I didn't realize how fixated I was on it, until I tried to stop. I don't know. I still feel like if I don't weigh myself every day, I'll just balloon out like the Mom on "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" before I know it. Heh. Irrational, I know."

I used to weigh myself at least once a day, usually more than once. I haven't weighed myself now in quite a while. I decided there was no point in weighing myself, unless I was joining a gym or something, and just wanted to be able to know where I was when I started, so I could look back later on how far I had come. Because if I'm not working out, then weighing myself is pointless, and will only make me feel bad. It's not like I can't already look in the mirror, or know how my clothes fit. The numbers are just like putting salt in the wound, and are kind of dumb anyway, since--as Jas pointed out--it's not all about the pounds. Muscle weighs too, after all. It should be about how you feel, and what you see in the mirror, not just what the scale tells you. Plus, when I give in to the compulsion of weighing myself constantly, it just adds to my perfectionism and obsession. Since, obviously, the only reason to weigh yourself more than once a day is because you're being mental about each and every pound, which is just retarded. I had to break myself of the habit, for my own peace of mind.

February 14th: "I don't know that I've ever actually had a day like today. Because it was like one long panic attack at the salon, and then another one at work that seemed to go on forever. So, really, although it didn't last all day, it sure felt like it. You know, I think what it is that made today feel different the most was that the majority of the times I've panicked in the past, the thing making me panic would be short-lived in one way or another. When I had to use the register, I'd get anxious, and sometimes panic, but then I could step back out on the floor. I could escape. Then it got to the point where it didn't matter; I was still anxious, just being there. I couldn't calm myself down. So, when it got like that, I fled. The last few shifts I worked last year, before taking time off, were all cut short. I left early for each one, because I couldn't take it. . .

. . .So, um, yeah. It was an exhausting day. But I have to say I'm proud of myself. I mean, first off, the check was something I've been trying to do forever. And I did it, after a near spur of the moment decision, without the help of a doctor at the time. It's not like suddenly I can do it all the time now, and I did write it out with my back turned to Jane (but, whatever, OBVIOUSLY it was still anxiety-producing, so it's not like I copped out), but it's a step. Each exposure helps you with future ones, because you can look back on it, and say "I felt this way then, and did it." Second off, I had a pretty bad panic attack at work, and stuck it out. I bet my doctor would be all doing his "That is just amazing!" thing right now. Hee."

I wrote my first check in front of someone that day, and I wasn't even seeing my psychologist on a regular basis then. It marked the beginning of a big relapse for me, but it was a big step, and was a necessary one. Sometimes, you can't get better, without going through feeling worse first.

February 16th: "Like, seriously, it must've been Throw The Clothes On The Floor And Over Racks At Sears Day. I'll have to go check the calendar. Really, though, it was worse than usual, even. And wanna hear something really foul? Cindy found a USED MAXIPAD under one of the racks, in juniors. Dude! Heh. That is no. Just, no. No!

Heh, NO!"

Ah, the joys of retail. Heh. Aside from the anxiety though, and my endless fire-feet (ouch), the job bugged me less this year than last year. Sometimes, I even had fun with people. And of course there was always my Lovah, to help. But while I do miss having the people to talk to, I don't miss the job itself. I don't miss working weekends, holidays, the poor pay, the rude customers, and the tired feet and sore muscles.

February 19th: For this one, I'm linking to the entire entry again, just because. Rachael's Trip Across the Border. Bet you want to read it again, eh? Heh, "eh." Good ole Canada.

February 25th: "I fear I'll never have friends in real life, again. And that my online friends will leave the internet, one by one, and I'll be officially alone. In fact, the image of it happenning is frighteningly clear to me. As is the rest of my future, which is definitely not positive. To be honest, when I think of my future, a lot of the time the ending I find myself seeing is totally desperate. No way out. Death being the only option.

So, uh, yeah. This is what a little introspection gets me. The fucked up thing is that, even when I'm feeling fine otherwise (like today), if I think of these kinds of things, those thoughts will inevitably hit me. I think the last time I really felt optimistic about my future, in the sense of actually believing a positive one was feasible and realistic for me, was around maybe six years ago.

Sigh. But, beyond those background feelings, I'm okay."

I think it'll be hard for me to ever fully overcome my depression, without killing those sorts of beliefs. I still haven't managed it, but I have hope that I will someday. I'm not surprised that they're still around, anyway, because I do think they count as what my treatment would call "core beliefs," the deep shit that acts as a foundation for every other "thinking error" you have. I think they're like the last things you have to fight, after you've dealt with everything else, or at least unearthed them. They're like the last battle.

February 27th: "I know I've got to come to a decision about this on my own, because no one can decide it but me. I mean, I have to be ready, and make the call, and go through with whatever therapy remains. I know that talking to my family will not help. They will say "Of course you could be behind a register again." And I know they'd be saying it, because in their minds they believe in me, and think I'm so strong, and blah blah blah. But, frankly, right now I SO could not be behind a register on a regular basis, so hearing people say it just upsets me. Because it's so totally fucking wrong. To be honest? When I picture losing my job? I automatically think of suicide. Because I feel so trapped. Because I don't know what I'd do. Because I imagine everyone thinking I can just jump out there and get another job, and I wouldn't be able to, and everyone would be upset with me, and God. It just depresses me, when people think I can do these things, and I can't. They say it like they know me better than I do. All sure of themselves. It just makes me feel even more alone, and helpless. So I just keep it to myself."

Like I was saying, options. I think it's pretty important now, that even if I still have suicidal thoughts all the time, I can imagine getting fired from the job I have, and automatically think of other positions I could look into, or other options I could try. I didn't feel that way, at the beginning of the year. I felt very trapped.

Also February 27th: Linking again to an entry, this time for pictures! Fun, fun. Our Canadian Adventure.

March 1st: "I can't believe how rotton I feel, right now. I feel like I did on Christmas Eve. The stomach cramps, but not being able to really go, and feeling like upchucking. Meanwhile, a reason for all of it? Nowhere to be found. I hate my body"

My body and I really didn't get along, this year. Although some things did get somewhat better, actually. I've learned to see a big connection at least, between my physical and emotional health.

March 5th. Linking again, because that entry does a good job showing how stuff was between Mom and I, a lot, this year. This one too. Aaaand definitely this one, as I still have a couple faint (physical) scars from that.

March 8th: "I have to make sense of it, because once you panic in a situation again, the association is there, and next time you want to go to that place--even if the circumstances are different--you're going to have to fight the doubts. For a long time, recently, I was having almost no problems being at the mall, or other public places. But now that all the rest of this stuff has gone on? It's hard again.

Can I just say how much it sucks to have to fight your brain? The fear response is just insanely strong. Staying, when your body is telling you to flee, is so fucking hard. Especially when it isn't just that you don't want to have a panic attack itself, but that you don't want to have one in public. It wouldn't be as hard for me, if I didn't care if others looked at me, and noticed my shaking hands, or jelly-like legs. But, since I do, it's just that much harder to fight the urge to run like Hell and hide."

March 10th: "You know what's crazy, though? Apparently I made quite the impression on Lance's brother in law. Not like I'm a home-wrecker or anything (hee), but I guess he told Corinne he thought I was just "stunning," and the prettiest girl there, other than her and his wife, "of course." Hee. Hmm, well! I was like, "He saw Courtney (our cousin)? And he said this?", all skeptical, and she said yeah. So, huh. Whatever, I do NOT think I'm prettier than her or my cousin, but that's okay. Corinne's all "*eye-roll* You just have a poor self-image." Well, duh. Heh. But still. It sure was a nice compliment, anyway.

He was all "I have a friend I could set her up with!" Dude was like in his thirties, though. Heh! Corinne was like "Uhhh, no. That's a little too old for her." But get this, he called his friend, and told him to drive up here for dinner, so he could meet me! Ha! I am NOT fucking around, here. The guy lived in Salem. Which is like, depending on how fast you drive, an hour and a half to two hours away. I mean, I don't know, this all just came from Corinne, and the guy is a friend of the family, but damn. It was all right though, since he knew everyone there, like I said. And Lance's brother in law never even said anything to me personally about the whole thing, so it wasn't this awkward set-up. I think he just wanted his friend to drive up anyway, and was like "Oh, and there's this young lady here you should meet too. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*"".

That bit came from the entry I wrote after my sister's reception. It was one of the things that I look back on now, when I feel like people think I'm strange, because I had actually been thinking Lance's brother in law thought I was weird, since he kept sort of staring at me in an inquisitive way, and then discovered he was only looking because he thought I looked nice. That reception was also somewhat significant, because it took place when I was trying to handle the relapse I'd had, and I ate and drank with people quite a bit that day, not eating that much, and doing many anxiety-inducing things with strangers and family. It was a good exposure.

March 12th: More purty pictures.

March 12th: "nehallania inspired me to finally give beta blockers a shot. I got a prescription for Propranolol, which is basically the same thing as Inderal."

Which didn't help at all. I almost wish I hadn't taken it at all, because it made me doubt the progress I'd made, as it has the ability to help tremors and stuff, so it's been an anxious thing to go off it again. I still haven't completely done it. But I will, for sure.

March 17th: "You know, a lot of the time, I really don't care much about my lack of a sex life. It might be because I don't know what I'm missing. It might be because I'm just an independent gal like that, and don't feel like I NEED a man to survive on this Earth. At least at the moment, anyway. But, every now and then, I feel like going all Margaret Cho on some random guy (you know, like my lovah, for instance). Like, just walk up all nonchalantly to him, and then yell "STICK IT IN!" Hahaha. God, I love that. "I'm gonna have to cover with leaves, and hope somebody falls in!" I relate, man.

It's all my lovah's fault, anyway. Heh. At least as far as this weekend's hornyness is concerned. He was there when I closed, on Friday night. Wearing green again! Except this time a long-sleeved shirt. All fitted and. . .mmm. . .*trails off, dazed*

Ahem. Hee. And you know, I don't really get so attracted to guys that often. I mean, men in person, anyway. Oh, I've had my share of crushes before, but even if I thought they were cute, they weren't this cute. Like, he's just something else. With the other ones, I'd just think of maybe spending time with them. A date, perhaps. He, on the other hand? Well, let's just say the thoughts he inspires are not quite so innocent. Hee.

I guess you could say that not any ole guy gets my attention. Personality wise as well as when it comes to looks. I'm picky, and it's not by choice. It's kind of a bitch, really. . .

. . .We had a bit of a horror movie marathon, that day, too. Kyle and I have been on a scary flick kick, lately. I'm pretty much always in the mood for a horror movie, though. We started with The Shining, which Dad had recorded on tivo, and which I'd never seen before. Great movie. I've wanted to see it for a long time. I freaking love Jack Nicholson, yo. Here's Johnny! Hee. Kyle and I kept saying that to each other, all weekend. As well as "redrum" over and over again, talking with our fingers, and quoting the film. Heh. Good times.

Oh, and FYI, that movie was filmed up at Mt. Hood. So if I ever go up to stay at the lodge there, I'll be properly freaked out.

After that, we rented the first Halloween movie, and One Hour Photo. I don't think I'll ever get tired of the Halloween movies. You'd think by now the suspense wouldn't really be there, seeing as I've watched the movies before, but nope. Still there. Kyle and I kept like shrieking whenever Michael Myers popped up, and freaking Lola out. Hee. One time I shouted, and Lola jumped right off the couch in surprise. Ha! That was hilarious. Her ears were like all straight up in the air, and her eyes were all wide. Poor girl.

And of course we all had a good time making fun of that movie too. One of the people in the credits had the name "Moustaffa", and so of course Kyle and I just took that and ran it into the ground. Hee. You know, what with Will Farrell's little character in Austin Powers being named that and all. Everytime Michael Myers came on the screen, we were all "I am here to be killing you now. Dach-doddy-ay!" Heeeee. Then for the rest of the night, we kept jumping up behind the other, like "Moustaffa!" Trying to scare each other, you see. Yeah, we're insane when you get us together, I know. Heh."


Both the crush with my Lovah, and things like my relationship with my little bro, helped me get through the year. Just because they provided nice distractions, and reasons to smile.

March 18th: "IT'S A BOY!"

March 19th: "When she asked, Peppy was like "You are the best ready-all-day-er. I need you! Shelley won't be here, and district people are coming in. It would be a huge help." Hmm, well, the best ready-all-day-er, eh? *smiles smugly* Heh."

I got more positive attention at work again, which was nice, since I used to get it a lot at Blockbusters (my first job), but hadn't had it at first at Sears.

March 20th: "In his address, Bush said "The people of the United States and our friends and allies will not live at the mercy of an outlaw regime that threatens the peace with weapons of mass murder." Uh, Bush? First off, WE'RE the ones threatening peace with weapons of mass murder. And, according to a good chunk of the world right now? WE'RE the cowboy outlaws starting an illegal and unjust war. Furthermore, our "friends and allies" are mostly NOT in agreement with it. Sigh."

I was never unhappy about seeing Saddam taken from power, and obviously support the soldiers themselves, but I had a lot of reservations about the war itself and how it was handled. I still have those concerns now, about America's future in the middle east, and our relationship with the rest of the world. I'm worried Iraq will be abandoned again to another tyrannical or extremist regime, and our "help" will backfire. Kind of like our fuck-ups in Iran (with the coup with Mossaddiq), or Afghanistan, or Chile, and yeah, I could go on for a bit. Let's not fuck this one up, too. We can't take the past back, but now that we're there, we have a responsibility to make sure the people there are taken care of, and not left to ruin.

March 22nd: "The window displays at The Limited pained me. Too many damn cute outfits, tempting me. Seriously. So much silk, so little time. Hee. Or I should say so little money, rather. Which is the problem. I mean, do I have enough money right now to go shopping? Totally. But for some reason I'm all trying to be "responsible" or something. Pfft. Heh. I really am trying to save, though. And I don't need lots of new clothes, right now. When the weather starts warming up, I could use some more spring stuff, but it's not an immediate need right now. But it would make me happy![/whine] Perhaps I could just go on a little mini-shopping spree. The Diet Coke of a full on Rachael-Shopping-Spree Extravaganza. Hee. Whatever, I know I can't resist the urge completely. I'll have to at least allow myself to try on an outfit or two, or I'll cry. And it will indeed be like a little girl. Now, I know no one wants to see that. Or maybe you do. Heh. . .

. . .But back to my lovah, now. He was cute, as usual. Heh, you know, in case you guys needed an update. "Still cute: Check." And funny, too. He's always funny, have I mentioned that? Heh, you're all like "Yes, a hundred times." He's always got this vibe of silliness and good humor about him, like he's fun to be around. It's very attractive to me. I'm jealous of the girls who work with him in AP, because they get to hang out in that office with him all the time."

I got lots of cute clothes this year, wasting all sorts of money. I'm good at doing that. Heh.

March 23rd: "While I was there, I saw the ultrasound photos. He kept playing with his nose! Aww. And I saw his little feet! With all ten toes! And his face! He looks like he'll have Corinne's nose, but it's hard to tell. Lance's nose is kind of long and pointy, too. They had these other ones that just showed the skeletal stuff, which was cool, because you could see the spine, and the rib cage and all. And, like, I know quite a bit about pregnancy. But thinking that some little person is being built inside my sister's womb right now, by the hand of nature (or God, or whatever you believe, but you get the idea) alone? Oh my God. And so quickly, too! Every week, all sorts of new things pop up, and change. It's incredible. I mean, really, just think about how unbelievably complex the human body is. The nervous system, all the organs, the muscles, the joints, all of it. Not to mention that a personality that will belong to him and him alone, will come out of this. And it all started from a little cell.

The picture of the skull just creeped me out, though. Heh. I was like "These are all great! Aww, look, he's balling his hand in a little fist! And. . .uhhh, right, this one here will haunt my dreams, but hey! Good times!" Hee. Dude, don't look at me like that, it was spooky!

Guess what else? I felt the baby kick for the first time! That was CRAZY. He kicked a lot, too. And he kicked even more once Lance leaned down and started talking.

Okay, all together now:

AWWWW!

Hee. Have I mentioned that Lance bought a Dr. Seuss book to read to Corinne's belly? Because he did. And he is indeed reading it. I have to go kill myself now, because that's so fucking cute. Excuse me."

Hee. Like I said, the pregnancy was fun. He didn't end up having Corinne's nose at all, though. Not even close.

A compliment on the street leads to a little self-introspection about my appearance, on March 24th.

That was another example of me thinking "I look strange to them" and then being surprised. Things like that led to some introspection on my part, this year, trying to understand why I always feel so down on myself, and whether it's even fair.

Considering going back to school, on March 26th.

Friends here helped me, when I was trying to decide about going back to school last spring. And I'm glad I decided to do it.

Pictures of my sister's pregnancy in progress, and the reception, also on March 26th.

March 28th: "Lastly, we talked about Indonesia some. He's been there twice, one time for a couple months, and the other time for a couple weeks (his Mom is from there). I was like "I am so jealous. I wanna go there so bad." Which is true. He was like "Really?" and gave me this look. That "hmm" look. I wish I knew how to describe it better, but I love that look. It kind of says that you've surprised the guy, and maybe he's a little more curious about you. At least, that's what I've gathered, having been sent that look before. It doesn't always necessarily mean the guy is interested in you romantically or something, but hey, at least SOME interest is better than none. Right?. . .

. . .I asked him if being short bugged him, and he said it did. Aww. He was like "Why couldn't I have just gotten two more inches? Man, that's all I ask!" with the shaking fist and all. Hee. I was just like "I hear that." And I almost, almost kind of flirted. Rachael-Flirting, if you will. He'd said how he's bigger than some of the people in Indonesia (he's half-white, so there's that), but then was like "I'm not exactly tall, but. . ." And I said "Hey, you're tall to me." Heh. But, see, I said it in this "You're good looking to me" kind of way. Maybe it's a you had to be there deal. Anyway, not really flirting, overtly, but a Rachael-attempt. Heh. So sad. If I'd really wanted to flirt, I could've been truly honest, and said "You're the perfect height, to me." Because he is."

March 29th: "But anyway, way to bring Sears down even further, guys. I mean, first they changed everything so that there were main cashwraps, and MCAs, and the whole self-service vibe. Which I'm fine with, but it definitely was the beginning of the slide down for Sears into K-Mart land. Because after that came the shopping carts. Now we'll have uniforms. Dude, we're becoming Target. Every other retail place in the mall has people wearing normal, nice clothes. NONE of them have uniforms. What the fuck are they thinking?"

Yeah, the new dress code thing was lame-oh, man.

March 30th: "I saw my lovah, as I came in. He was walking out of human resources or something, and we made eye contact as I walked by. But he also totally gave me a double-look. I won't say that he checked me out, because you guys know how I doubt EVERYTHING, but yeah. Like, maybe he just looked, because. . .well, who the Hell knows. But it was definitely a below-the-neck look. Ha! SCORE!

Even if he was looking, because he was thinking "what a freakish looking body" (heh, whatever), at least he looked! Right? Unless he really isn't attracted at all, and was just looking to look, and, yeah, I overanalyze everything. Sighness. At least it gives me something to squeal and obsess over, though. Heh. Good times."

It's really because of looks like that, that I'd try to ask him out, if I ran into him now. They're some of the only things that helped me not totally believe he wasn't interested.

April 2nd: "Moving on to my class, now, it was good! I got a little nervous, at first, but I dealt with it okay. It was a challenge, because I haven't had to deal with being in that environment since winter term of last year. So, going back into it, of course my mind conjured up the anxiety associated with it. Lots of "what if"s popped up. But I handled it, and I know each time I handle it again, it'll get that much easier to do."

Going back also helped me in other ways too, because I could face similar fears there that I might deal with at work, and stuff.

April 4th: My first Women's Studies class, and facing social anxiety.

April 7th: "I just heard a little tidbit of info that I thought I'd share with you all. I'm watching the local news right now, and the weather guy says if it rains this week (which it will), we'll have had forty days and nights of rain. Haha! We're like the Bible, here. Pity us. . .

. . .Right, so let me remind myself now:

Rachael? If a fanfic has a major character death (specifically when involving Mulder or Scully), or is all about William, and how Mulder and Scully will never see him again, and blah blah blah, stay away! Because you know those fanfics love to KILL YOUR SOUL.

Love,
Your brain.

Okay, then. Hee."

Heh, I only included that because it made me laugh. And just because I don't think it's right to not include a little fannish stuff, here. At the end of 2003, I'm still a fan of the X Files and its fanfic, still a fan of SNL, stand-up, and my other big loves.

April 10th: "So, a few things. The doctor said my blood count was low. I'm not sure if he meant my white blood count was low also (I remember it being low, last year, and my doctor warning me about getting sick), but he told me my red blood count specifically was, which means anemia. I'm not completely anemic, but I'm like borderline, I guess. Like, there's a range of what's normal for a woman, from 37 to something, and I'm like 37.5."

April 14th: Coming out of my shell again. Mainly, learning that, hey, I could still talk to people like a normal human being. Something I'd started doubting, for a long time, the year prior. Going through this recent bout of depression, I've felt like that a little again, awkward and uncomfortable in my own skin around others, but at least I have those good experiences to look back on now, so I know that no matter how I feel now, I'm still the same person underneath it all. Even if I don't feel very likeable or fun for others now, I know that the last few years haven't totally taken it away from me.

April 16th: "Anyway, speaking of people smiling and staring, Question Quigley keeps trying to catch my eye, and smile at me. And, hey, I don't want to be mean. I'd like to smile back, because he's a fellow human being, and I don't want him to feel bad. But at the same time, if you smile back at a guy, sometimes that can be taken as a sign that you're open to him trying to get a piece. And I really don't want Mullet Boy trying to get anywhere near my piece. Heh. So I feel like such a bitch in that class, because he's tried to smile at me numerous times, and I totally look away, trying to ignore him. But it's like, dude, take a hint.

Sigh, why do I always attract the nerds and weirdos? And you know I don't mean nerds as in cool nerds, like you guys, or me. Hee. I mean annoying nerds, who you try to avoid. Of course, he might just be friendly, and so I hate not smiling back, because I don't want to be mean. But, like I said, smiling at a guy definitely invites further attempts at conversation, and sends a signal that I don't want to send. I don't even want to invite conversation with him, really. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but he's kind of annoying. He says "Is it not true" and "Is it not so?" constantly. And talks all slow, and kind of nasally. And did I mention he wears penny loafers? Because he does. Not that there's anything wrong with loafers, by themselves (I emphasize this, because I just know one of you will be all "I love loafers!" now. Heh.). One of my favorite teachers in High School wore them everyday. They're fine, really. But, dude, loafers and a mullet? That's just. . .wrong, somehow. Heh. Hey, I never said I had to make sense. Of course, if he didn't bug me on his own, I'd totally brush this all aside, and forgive it. And yes, sorry, but mullets are something which require forgiveness. Haha. Don't act like you don't know what I mean. . .

. . .People totally want to jump him (and not in a good way), in that class, though. Haha. I can't believe he never hears the "God, shut up already"s that are muttered, when he talks."

Heh, Question Quigley. Damn, he got on people's nerves, in that class.

April 19th: "Then I was also feeling a little sorry for myself, because when he said hi to me, I overanalyzed it, and started feeling like he wasn't into me at all, based on his tone of voice and how he looked at me. But then later on, he was walking by as I was putting stuff away, and I turned and our eyes met, and I realized he'd been looking at me. Of course, that doesn't mean anything, but whatever. I enjoy my happy little fantasy world."

Stupid not-asking-him-out-before-I-quit! Damn it to Hell. I look at these quotes, and remember the chemistry I felt in the air around him, and even if it was imagined, I could've at least given it a chance. Retard.

April 22nd: "Confusing! Yeah, you guys see why I'm like "Okay, I give up! I don't get it, but you do what you want! Cool! Talk to ya later!" Heh. Throwing the hands up, at this point. I'm not a doctor, yo. I don't have the answers, here. Wish I did, but I don't. I don't like seeing her so obviously frazzled, and bad feeling. Not to mention bad looking. And, hell, I'm not even going to front. I got my hopes up. Her thyroid has been off for sooooo long, so I was really happy for her, getting a new medication which promised to take care of everything. Now, she's just back to the old crap. But maybe she can still get better, and she just needs to be tested more often.

I just hope she continues to give the depakote a chance, and that her quitting the neurontin doesn't cause further problems. Because she has been easier to deal with, since she started the depakote. I mean, after the first couple weeks, at least. And, Hell, maybe she can take lithium at the same time, and that will be what she needs. I just wish SO BAD that she could be better, in general. But obviously I wish she'd be better mentally, above the other things, just because how could I not? After all the drama it's caused? Without a healthy mind, who even really gives a shit about the body? Well, that's not totally fair, because poor physical health is certainly not going to make you feel better, mentally. But if you are never stable psychologically, you can have the healthiest body out there, and still have a life that's full of nothing but suffering, for you and your family. And even if you have poor physical health, but good mental health, at least then it makes the illnesses easier to handle. But if you have both going on, forget it. They each exacerbate each other, and it causes a horrible cycle."

There was a brief period of time, after the first drama that was caused by the depakote, that she actually acted better. But it was really just the precursor to mania, and didn't last. And as that quote shows, she was sick a lot, this year. And it was totally confusing, never knowing if it was in her head, or what.

April 23rd: "I didn't want to be there, at that point. I wanted to leave. I had kind of a hard time concentrating on the lecture, because I felt upset, and distracted. Thinking about not wanting to come back, for class again. Feeling like maybe I went back to school too soon. Wondering if things would keep on being hard for me, and what I would do if that became true.

At least I had it together enough to be able to write, and take notes. And even though I was uncomfortable walking around people, I wasn't as afraid of that by itself, as I was when I panicked that one day before work. It was more so the descending the stairs that caused the most anxiety.

It's one thing to feel anxious over writing in public, or eating in public, but simply walking in public, or descending stairs? Sigh. My automatic thought is "I want to run home, and hide in my bed. And never leave again. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to go to work." So of course then it's "What will I do if I can't go to work? Why, kill myself of course." Right, that's a pleasant train of thought to be having, while trying to remain focused on middle eastern history. It's just because the anxiety makes me feel so very trapped.

So I was thinking to myself that maybe I should call my old psychologist again, and just ask him what he meant, when he said he'd take whatever I could afford. But then just because I felt slightly less anxious, after class, the motivation is lower. Like I don't need to bother him, I'm really fine. And I still feel that hesitation there. I just don't know."

April 24th: "I actually did the worksheet online, but posted it as private. I thought of putting it public, because hey, what fun! Heh. "Take a look into the mind of the socially anxious." Par-tay! I probably will, if only because I'm already sharing that aspect of myself with the public, I might as well go all the way. Especially since I know I'm not the only one who has the thoughts and fears I have (even the craziest sounding ones), and just the thought that a stranger out there could randomly come across it, and be like "Dude! That's how I feel!", gives me a reason to do it.

I'm feeling a bit better now, after doing it. . .

. . .I felt the baby kick again, although it wasn't very hard this time. I think the baby was sleeping or something, and was probably all "Um, hello! Trying to rest here! Go away!" Hee. Corinne woke him up by putting headphones on her stomach (not too loud, and it was classical acoustic guitar music), and that got him to kick a little. Aww. She's getting so big, it's insane. She's about six months and a week or two along now, by the way. And it seems like Jaden is the name they're going with, and they are going to spell it Jaden after all, and not Jayden. Mainly because Nanny said Jayden looks girlier. Heh. I told her she'd better stick with Jaden now, and not be switching names on us again, because everyone's calling him that, and he can hear it now!"

April 25th: Another particularly bad day with Mom that I'll remember from this year.

April 27th: "-Mom's voice is hoarse, from screaming to herself, the last few days. Her main origins of RAGE! have been Corinne, doctors, and Joe.

-Joe and her are in a huge fight. Joe has currently locked himself into Corinne's old room.

-Joe is an asshole. (heh, like "newsflash." Except not.) And not only because he left her at the ER last night (more details to come), but that helps.

-Mom got treated very poorly at the ER last night, and at another hospital today. She went because she was feeling so bad yesterday and wasn't getting any answers from anyone. She thought her doctor would admit her, so they could figure it all out and make sure she's okay, but it didn't work out. Last night was a lost cause, so she went to a different place today, and the doctor was a total bastard to her, telling her she was imagining everything because she has manic depression.

-Mom wants to sue the world now. Like, really. Mom vs. Mankind. It reminds me of Andy Kaufman."

And that's it, for Part One. More will come later, as I said before. And now, I have to go get ready, because my sister keeps calling, all hungry like the wolf and wanting to get this show on the road.

Comments

[eternaltimtams.livejournal.com]

I love your yearly reviews.

The pregnancy itself was exciting for everyone, and certainly entertaining, if only because my sister's normal nuttiness was allowed even crazier pastures in which to roam. Heh.

I remember some of your very funny Pregnant Corrine stories.

As a lot of quotes will show here, it was a pretty hard year, between my Mom and I.

*Hugs* I still think you need to move out of home as soon as you can.


Man, oh man. Biggest. Crush. Ever. No other crush in my life reached the depths of infatuation and lust that this one did. I just hope I didn't miss a great opportunity, by not bucking up and asking him out, before I quit that job.

I hope you and your lovah do end up getting together.

The cat I had between the ages of three and twenty died last December, or disappeared I should say (and we thus assumed she passed away), and I missed her this year.

I'm sorry about Tabitha. You're right about pets being good for your soul.

I still have a hard time with the pessimism toward my future. But comments from keen and jasminelily for that entry helped my concerns about things like grad school, and other worries that would relate to that sort of deal, because they helped remind me that they don't only look at your GPA.

I think you're going to go far, because you're kind, intelligent, understanding, and very hard working (as well as really funny).

I think it'll be hard for me to ever fully overcome my depression, without killing those sorts of beliefs.

I hope you do manage to beat those beliefs.


I was never unhappy about seeing Saddam taken from power, and obviously support the soldiers themselves, but I had a lot of reservations about the war itself and how it was handled. I still have those concerns now, about America's future in the middle east, and our relationship with the rest of the world. I'm worried Iraq will be abandoned again to another tyrannical or extremist regime, and our "help" will backfire. Kind of like our fuck-ups in Iran (with the coup with Mossaddiq), or Afghanistan, or Chile, and yeah, I could go on for a bit. Let's not fuck this one up, too. We can't take the past back, but now that we're there, we have a responsibility to make sure the people there are taken care of, and not left to ruin.

I feel exactly the same way.

Okay, all together now:

AWWWW!

Awwwwwwwwww!

That was another example of me thinking "I look strange to them" and then being surprised. Things like that led to some introspection on my part, this year, trying to understand why I always feel so down on myself, and whether it's even fair.

You do realise you're pretty, don't you? Well, you are, even if you don't feel it.

Coming out of my shell again. Mainly, learning that, hey, I could still talk to people like a normal human being.

Yay!

Sigh, why do I always attract the nerds and weirdos?

I feel your pain. Ewwww.

Stupid not-asking-him-out-before-I-quit! Damn it to Hell. I look at these quotes, and remember the chemistry I felt in the air around him, and even if it was imagined, I could've at least given it a chance. Retard.

Don't worry. I'm not going to ask out TheNewGuy before I quit.

There was a brief period of time, after the first drama that was caused by the depakote, that she actually acted better. But it was really just the precursor to mania, and didn't last. And as that quote shows, she was sick a lot, this year. And it was totally confusing, never knowing if it was in her head, or what.

*More hugs*

[rachg82.livejournal.com]

I love your yearly reviews

You should, I got the idea from you! Hee. But no, seriously, thank you. I can't believe anyone read these! Heh. But actually I can believe you would, because you're timmy.

And a big thank you for the compliments, because it does help some to hear them. Maybe if I just keep bashing them into my brain, they'll eventually seap through. Heh.