The lovers, the dreamers, and me
Apr. 18th, 2010 01:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82I think it's time for another Random Post of Random. Now with even more wordyness!
1. I ate pizza for lunch & dinner today, which I knew was a horrible idea with my acid reflux, but which I did anyway because I couldn't muster up the motivation to drag my ass to the store. I wish the grocery store delivered. And yes, I know, technically some do, but not same-day. At least not where I live. I really don't know why they don't. They could make a FORTUNE. Hello, people are lazy (and by "people", I mean "me"). Cash in on that guys, sheesh.
2. In case it's not already obvious by my icon: the PMS that was stalking me earlier in the week? Finally grew tired of taunting me and turned into my period today. I feel GREAT. Heh. Except, you know, not. Hence the "I have to walk all the way up to the store?! But it's, like, a quarter of a mile away! Fuck that shit" lazyness. In my defense though, when my period comes along I turn into a headachey, tired, emotional mess. Taking a shower is out of the question, let alone walking to the store. Just be glad I'm eating something, even if it is leftover pizza twice a day.
3. On the plus side though, speaking of food, my appetite has returned. Not so much today obviously, but in general. All this week at work I kept having to eat a mid-morning snack, and same goes for the afternoon, and I was like, "WHAT IS THIS SHIT?" Ha. I'd forgotten what it was like to be hungry (i.e. actually physically hungry, like stomach-rumbling hungry, and not just, "oh shit, I feel lightheaded. That must mean I need to eat"). Keep in mind too, I'd been like that before the Topamax (since around late November, I think). So looking back I think my doctor was right to put me on the prozac in January. Between the stomach problems I was having and the lack of appetite, there was obviously some mild stealth-depression going on. On the downside, this now means I'll have to actually work to keep losing weight. Hee.[/unhealthy thinking] No, I'm kidding. . .mostly. I mean, I DID work for it, and had to make smart & healthy choices about what I was eating, but honestly, the whole loss of appetite? Made it really easy. Now being hungry? Will make it harder again. Heh. It's so much easier to make smart choices when A. your stomach hurts all the time, and B. you don't feel like eating anything anyway.
4. As far as how I'm feeling in general, I'm okay, and I know a lot of it is the period, but yeah. A little sad & lonely today. I keep dreaming about my family and it's bothering me. Last night I dreamt I was trying to explain to my sister where I was coming from, but just couldn't express myself right. I think with my sister part of what's bothering me too is my usual instinct to *fix things* (like if I can just explain myself well enough, I can put things right, and if I just think about things hard enough & worry about them long enough, I can CONTROL THE WORLD), but I also feel in this case like I've already told her how I feel and she just. . .doesn't care. Or cares about herself more. I don't know. She knows exposing me to her marital problems not only upsets me, but physically makes me sick with stress, and she doesn't care. She expects me to hear about them anyway. I realized yesterday that her marital shit not only tainted my halloween last year, but also my Christmas, my Birthday, and then popped up again the day before I was supposed to return to work three weeks ago, which would've been right before Easter. I can't go more than three/four months or hardly a single holiday without her problems infecting my life (it's like she's repeating the pattern we've both had with our mother, and she doesn't want to face that). And she knows that, but just doesn't seem to give a shit about why I'd care.
But what do I do about Jayden? How much time do I let pass before I find a way to, what? Send him a card? How can I still see him if things between my sister & I are all fucked up? Sometimes I just really hate life. I know this is the right choice, I KNOW IT, and there's not even a small part of me that wants to turn back on it (only--like I said above--a part of me that's going, "but maybe I should try to explain my position BETTER. . .maybe I could write a letter! THAT WOULD SOLVE EVERYTHING!", when I already know I explained my position thoroughly months ago, and from the heart), but it's still hard having it mess up my relationship with my nephew, who didn't ask for any of this.
But life isn't fair. And now I finally understand and feel like I can forgive my aunts & uncle for not reaching out & getting to know me better when I was a kid, because it was probably easier for them that way. One of my aunts admitted to me a few years ago that she did it on purpose because she was trying to avoid my mother, and it was this huge "a-ha!" moment for me, because I'd always suspected it. I'd always felt like my sister and I were the black sheep of the family compared to my cousins. And it made me resent the adults in my family because I was like, "You knew I was being raised by someone who was unstable, and you stood by & did nothing. You could've at least asked me if I was okay. Could've said you were there for me, could've told me the things she did weren't normal. Could've done ANYTHING. Could've offered to get me a counselor. Could've invited me over to your house for dinner sometimes. But except for one of you who babysat me for a while & sort of acted like I existed for a brief time before forgetting who I was when you couldn't stand my mother anymore, the rest of you just acted uncomfortable around me & hardly talked to me, when it would've meant the world to me to have a few stable adults in my life. Thanks for NOTHING, you selfish jerks. Except you, Nanny & Poppy, because you guys at least tried to be there for me. But fuck the rest of you!" But at least now, looking back, I can empathize better, because if they knew that reaching out to me meant having to be in touch with my mom, which was something that was upsetting to them, and they just couldn't handle that? Then, yeah, I get it. It still hurts, but I get it. And I can forgive it now.
I just don't want my nephew to look back years from now and be like, "hey, I remember when I was six, my aunt and I used to be really close, but then she just suddenly stopped talking to the rest of the family & dropped off the face of the Earth. Then I never saw her again. She must've not cared about me much." (or maybe even worse: he won't even remember being close to me) And then he has to deal with his fucked up family all by himself. But I can't control the world, right? I have to repeat that to myself: I CAN'T CONTROL THE WORLD.
This boundary I'm setting with my sister--to not be a part of her abusive marriage anymore--is a healthy one, and I have to be firm with it. It's to protect myself, and even if I hadn't set it down, I still would've kept fading away from her regardless, because that's what had been happening over the last year before now. It's actually a huge part of why I'm not as close to Izzie, unfortunately. I love her equally, don't get me wrong. But I mean it's why there haven't been as many stories about her. Part is that I have a job now, sure. I'm not the nanny anymore. And part was because I realized I needed to have my own life & not be so much a part of their life. But also? A HUGE part was minimizing my time in their home while Lance was there, so I wouldn't be present if a fight occurred. I would get extremely anxious being there if he was there with them and any type of conflict came up, even if it wasn't serious. I'm talking physically anxious. Fight or flight response. Even if the conflict had to do with the kids and it was just a tantrum over bedtime. There were times in the past where I literally had to take a walk outside to calm myself down. I am afraid of him (I've seen him get physical with her), and it's gotten to the point where my sister asks me "were things okay for you tonight?" when I leave sometimes, so she knows it's an issue for me. So it still would've affected my time with him. Because even if I hadn't said "this is my boundary," I was still distancing myself from her, and it becomes a bigger & bigger thing the more she calls me to tell me about him doing shit, crying & dumping all her crap on me, & then later blowing it off like it's no big thing, totally disregarding its effects on me. It'll make me worry about her, I'll get upset feeling for days, and it brings up all this anxiety for me, and afterward I'll feel so angry & used by her. And it's been creating strife between us for some time now. I can only hope that if she knows how important an issue this is to me, she'll know it's a big enough issue to get counseling for. Part of me wanted to make THAT the boundary--i.e. get counseling if you want a relationship with me--but I didn't know if that was pushing it too far. So I just stuck with "don't talk to me about your relationship, and respect that I need distance from it."
Anyway, I think I'm just rambling at this point, and forgetting where I was even going with this. I feel like maybe I should explain too that part of the "fight or flight" thing might be from my childhood and being exposed to physical violence then. I was never the victim of it (well, except for when I was a baby, and I don't remember that. And one time when Joe's son--who stopped coming over when I was eleven--started randomly kicking me repeatedly and no one felt the need to stop it for like ten minutes. My mom & stepdad literally walked in as I was on the ground crying & being kicked in the side & walked back out saying it was my responsibility to stop him), but I was always the witness. And the memories are still extremely visceral to me. The sound of my baby brother's cries & the crib banging against the wall, my sister screaming & being thrown into things (and my friends staring at me because we could all hear it, even though we were standing in my neighbor's yard), standing between my mother & sister as they'd be shoving each other back & forth, begging them to stop fighting & being ignored--this was a not-rare thing, much like police being called by neighbors, etc--watching my dad slap my brother & shove him into a table, the list goes on.
The only reason I was never struck was because I learned early on how to keep my mouth shut & play by the rules (my sister used to call me "mute" & get really pissed off at me for it). I was constantly threatened by my father though--in that "you'd better not cry or I'll give you something to cry about" kind of way--and instead of being physically hit, I just got constantly emotionally beaten down, either by my dad getting mad at me for everything I did (whether it be saying "thank you" too much & being too polite, laughing too much, doing things wrong all the time, spilling things, didn't matter), or my stepbrother & sister laughing at me for being fat & stupid & my stepdad joining in & defending them if I went to him for help because "they were right". So I shoved everything down, and I turned my anger inward. No surprise I became a depressed, anxious teenager, right? My sister acted up, did drugs, and dropped out of school. I meanwhile got good grades, graduated high school, developed anxiety attacks, had a nervous breakdown my first year in college, and plotted ways to kill myself. As one does.
Anyway, I don't even know why I'm going into my life story here. Sometimes it just feels good to talk about your shit, you know? Get a little of it out. Some of those things are already known to some of you, but some of them might not be. Either way, sometimes memories just weigh down on you, and you need to write them down & channel them into something cathartic & expressive, rather than repressing them & letting them just depress you. It can be really lonely walking around with so much pain simmering inside. You turn on the TV & people are all, "Family's all that matters!" and it's like, "Shut the fuck up, you happy bitches. Right now, I'm not even talking to most of my family, all right? And there's a reason. Stop trying to make me feel bad about that. Not everyone's so lucky."
The worst part? As a good deal of you know: the shit above? Not even the half of it. Not even a quarter. On the plus side though? If I ever end up honing my writing skills, and end up with a snazzy happy ending to this here life, I think I could make some serious bucks on a memoir. Hey there, silver lining!
But seriously, wrapping this up, I'm not sure where my relationship with my sister will end up. I felt very confident about what I was doing with my mom, which made things easier with her. With my sister, it's harder. I still know that setting down boundaries with her is the right thing. What I don't know is how successful even those will be. If she calls me and says, "Okay, I won't talk to you about him anymore," will that solve the problem? We have other things to work out too. She basically thinks she owns my life. She expects me to see her & the kids pretty much every other weekend, if not more, and guilt-trips me & gets passive-aggressive if I don't (another example: when she's in school? She feels entitled to me helping her with homework--to the point where she'll start by asking me to type up a paper for her that she's "already written" because I'm a faster typer & can spot spelling errors & bla bla bla, and then it'll become her basically expecting me to write the fucking thing when it's revealed that she's really only jotted down some notes--and will actually yell at me if I don't). I hardly have room to breathe & focus on myself. She calls me like every other day. And I love her, we're close, and that's great. But she's also a very negative person, complains like it's her job, kills my good moods on a regular basis, and pretty much never respects what I have to say if I try to tell her something she's done that bothers me. She's instantly a huge defensive bitch. So I think even if we get back in touch after this, I'm still going to have to work with my therapist on developing skills to maintain boundaries with her to stand up for myself, and make it so I have time with my nephew & niece, and a healthy *respectful* friendship with my sister, but not to the point where I don't have space to develop my own life & move forward as an adult, and where I'm not putting myself in situations around her husband that make me feel threatened & anxious.
The good news is that my therapist comes back into town in about a week. So I can talk to her about all of this then. And also that writing all of this out, particularly the last paragraph, made me feel a little better.
'Kay, enough family talk though, and let's move on.
5. Remember the Dark City thing at my work? I found out yesterday it's because all of Wilsonville is doing this whole "use less electricity" challenge this month. They've been doing it every day since that first day I commented on it. It's like Christmas in April. I think when I go for my next eye exam, I'm gonna ask about getting transition lenses for my glasses. Then it can be like Christmas all year 'round! (for real, I think I was a vampire in a past life. . .or possibly an albino)
6. My free-stuff-getting mojo remains alive & well. Remember the bus driver who gave me a free ride last week? Did it again yesterday. Apparently he does it every Friday now for his regular passengers who pay every other day & who don't have a monthly pass, since the pass saves people money but not everyone can afford to buy it. And also because "it starts their Friday off on the right foot." In other words, he's the most awesome bus driver ever. Which is what I told him. Heh.
7. I joined a new meetup group this week (on meetup.com, if anyone's curious where I find these groups. They have groups all around the country), this time for lgbt women between 30-ish (note the "ish", heh. I was like "I'm 28! Close enough!") to 50. It's a really small group so far (it literally just opened up this month), but I liked the ideas the organizer had for events. Hopefully it grows into a big group, and I can attend some events & make some friends. Or, you know, meet someone. But friends would be great too. Heh.
8. Speaking of socializing, I have plans with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
5brokenfingers next weekend to hit up Saturday Market, and then tentative plans to maybe go see the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie with Amy the following weekend, and perhaps another movie with an old coworker I ran into on the bus the other day in the near future, and it's like I have a life or something all of a sudden. I'd nearly forgotten what that felt like.
9. I'm done talking about family stuff for today, but I did want to add one positive thing that's come from all of the drama: Such as make time for friends, join new groups, etc. But also other things. When I went to that club with Amy the other night, she and I were talking about our bucket lists and her plans to backpack around Europe this summer (what, she couldn't have made those plans while we were dating? Or at a time when I had more money and could tag along? Damn her. Heh), and some of the items on our lists were little & silly, and quite do-able. Things like (for me) "become a better painter," "fix my violin & take lessons again," "become fluent in Spanish," "learn the piano," and "have my own darkroom." Okay, so the "have my own darkroom" one isn't little, but I still want one. Hee. I've always wanted one. Some of my most happy & peaceful memories in high school were staying late after school alone in the darkroom. Probably at least in part because of my past-life vampire tendencies. . .but I digress. (That does bring up an interesting question though. . .how could a vampire reincarnate if it doesn't have a soul? DAMN LOGIC.)
But anyway, point is: why don't I take another painting class again? Or a spanish class? Or find out what it would cost to fix my violin's bridge & the strings on my bow & take classes once a month or something? I have such a ridiculous fear that I would suck now because I haven't played in a decade--and even before that, a lot of my playing was by ear, because my technical training wasn't as good as the other kids'. I knew how to read notes, but struggled to just look at a sheet of music & figure out the melody until I heard it, and then I could play it as well as everyone else--but so what if I did? No one would know but me, my teacher, and my poor neighbors. It might not be a bad idea to look into it. I love music so much, and I love the violin so much. And just think: if I did, I could learn to play Bear McCreary music. HELLS YES. Anyway, not promising anything, but I dreamt last night that I found a second (non-broken) violin in my room, and was all happy about it & showing it to my nephew (see, told you guys: family dreams), and I think that was my subconscious trying to tell me something. Plus Amy was very opinionated on the subject and all, "What's your problem, just do it." Heh. And it'd be a fuck of a lot easier than piano lessons. Although I do think those would be fun too. But that would REALLY be starting from scratch. Violin makes more sense.
Funny sidenote: I mentioned on my bucket list that I think it would be cool to write a book, either a memoir or a children's book, and she was like, "See, everyone always says that, but I hate writing. I don't want to write a book." And I was like, "So, on your list is, don't write a book? Right after 'take guitar lessons' and 'travel to Amsterdam', it'll be 'don't write book'?" And she was like, "Shut up. But yes." Hee.
P.S. I love how in the middle of this gay bar where people were bumping & grinding to Madonna, we were sitting there getting drunk & talking about bucket lists. I AM A NON-CONFORMIST. Haha. Of course it helped that I was worried if we got up & danced it would be super awkward and I'd have to pull a Booth and "leave room for the Holy Spirit" or something. Heh. (another funny sidenote for you all? The first sign I had of her liking me before we dated was when we were dancing to "Juicy" by Notorious B.I.G--and I was impressing her with my mad drunk White Girl skillz of knowing all the lyrics by rapping them in her ear--and her hand was all "Oh hi there, Rachael's ass, don't mind if I rest here while we're dancing, do you?" Haha. P.P.S. I STILL THINK OF HER EVERYTIME I HEAR THAT SONG. Also, trust me, I imagine there's probably not much in the world more entertaining than seeing this short-ass nerd rapping to Notorious B.I.G. when she's wasted as fuck. I wish someone had been there with a camera on them. All I can say is this: Amy was DYING. Hahaha).
And just for funsies:
Heh.
10. As if this entry weren't already long enough, how about I finish it off with a little tv-rambling?
Re: Glee
-I still hate you, Will. There, I said it. I'M SORRY. I hate him. I HATE HIM A LOT. Actually, no, I'm not sorry. You know why? Because he's a douchebag. And a tool. A ~toolbag~ if you will. I am Team Sue all the way when it comes to him. And Team Terri for that matter. Fucking self-righteous asshole with his "I'm so cute" dimples. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SULLIED THE LIPS OF MY IDINA. *takes moment of silence*
(okay, now I'm just being over-dramatic on purpose. Hee. But I really do dislike him. And am tempted to make an icon with a bag of tools and a picture of his stupid face on the front, haha)
-On a similar note, I also still hate Emma. But less so now because by the end of this week's episode she finally thought of something other than herself & what she wanted for a change & stopped acting like a naive schoolgirl with a crush by breaking up with Will and listening to Terri. Would've been nice if she'd ever thought of Ken's feelings for like, oh I don't know, TWO SECONDS last season, but hey we can't expect miracles.
I have to admit, I also empathized with her because of the virginity thing. Damn you, Emma, I still hate you, don't make me relate to you.
-I can't remember their names, but those two girls who went out with Finn? I wish the entire show revolved around them & Sue. IT WOULD BE A MUCH BETTER SHOW. "Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?" Ha!
-The music: liked the Lionel Richie song (very pretty), but the rest was blah. Except the "Vogue" video at the end, which was made of crazy amounts of awesomeness. I USED TO LOVE THAT MUSIC VIDEO SO MUCH AS A KID. They just don't make 'em like they used to, yo.[/old person]
-Finn: you are dumb as a box of bricks, and I don't know why Rachel has such a crush on you. When I was in high school? My crush would've been on the Asian kid in the back who break-dances. Just sayin'.
-Idina Menzel: HOW CAN YOU HAVE HER ON THE SHOW & NOT HAVE HER SING? WHAT KIND OF INJUSTICE IS THAT? I DEMAND A RECOUNT. Also: WTF, she should've been cast as Rachel's long-lost mother. They are like twinsies.
-Sue Sylvester: I LOVE YOU. NEVER LEAVE ME.
Re: Amazing Race
-THE COWBOYS ARE STILL IN IT. OH, MY GRAVY. GO GET 'EM, BOYS!
-I HOPE TEAM "THE IRAQ & SUCH AS" LOSES & LOSES HARD. THEY ARE HATEFUL BITCHES & MUST BE STRUCK DOWN BY KARMA. STRUCK DOWN & THEN CHASED BY AN ANGRY RACCOON. AND POSSIBLY GIVEN AN EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE RASH. AND THEN AUDITED BY THE IRS. HEY, SHIT HAPPENS, OKAY? DON'T FUCK WITH KARMA.
Since I talked about violin stuff in this entry, I figured it'd be appropriate to go with a music-themed Vid of the Day today. Who's in the mood to watch a random kid play Bear McCreary tunes on his violin? No "Shape of Things To Come", sadly, but he does do a lovely version of the Roslin & Adama theme! (which btw would be the first Bear McCreary song I'd learn if I did pick the violin back up, because it'd be super easy. Heh. And, hello: ROSLIN & ADAMA.) Enjoy:
1. I ate pizza for lunch & dinner today, which I knew was a horrible idea with my acid reflux, but which I did anyway because I couldn't muster up the motivation to drag my ass to the store. I wish the grocery store delivered. And yes, I know, technically some do, but not same-day. At least not where I live. I really don't know why they don't. They could make a FORTUNE. Hello, people are lazy (and by "people", I mean "me"). Cash in on that guys, sheesh.
2. In case it's not already obvious by my icon: the PMS that was stalking me earlier in the week? Finally grew tired of taunting me and turned into my period today. I feel GREAT. Heh. Except, you know, not. Hence the "I have to walk all the way up to the store?! But it's, like, a quarter of a mile away! Fuck that shit" lazyness. In my defense though, when my period comes along I turn into a headachey, tired, emotional mess. Taking a shower is out of the question, let alone walking to the store. Just be glad I'm eating something, even if it is leftover pizza twice a day.
3. On the plus side though, speaking of food, my appetite has returned. Not so much today obviously, but in general. All this week at work I kept having to eat a mid-morning snack, and same goes for the afternoon, and I was like, "WHAT IS THIS SHIT?" Ha. I'd forgotten what it was like to be hungry (i.e. actually physically hungry, like stomach-rumbling hungry, and not just, "oh shit, I feel lightheaded. That must mean I need to eat"). Keep in mind too, I'd been like that before the Topamax (since around late November, I think). So looking back I think my doctor was right to put me on the prozac in January. Between the stomach problems I was having and the lack of appetite, there was obviously some mild stealth-depression going on. On the downside, this now means I'll have to actually work to keep losing weight. Hee.[/unhealthy thinking] No, I'm kidding. . .mostly. I mean, I DID work for it, and had to make smart & healthy choices about what I was eating, but honestly, the whole loss of appetite? Made it really easy. Now being hungry? Will make it harder again. Heh. It's so much easier to make smart choices when A. your stomach hurts all the time, and B. you don't feel like eating anything anyway.
4. As far as how I'm feeling in general, I'm okay, and I know a lot of it is the period, but yeah. A little sad & lonely today. I keep dreaming about my family and it's bothering me. Last night I dreamt I was trying to explain to my sister where I was coming from, but just couldn't express myself right. I think with my sister part of what's bothering me too is my usual instinct to *fix things* (like if I can just explain myself well enough, I can put things right, and if I just think about things hard enough & worry about them long enough, I can CONTROL THE WORLD), but I also feel in this case like I've already told her how I feel and she just. . .doesn't care. Or cares about herself more. I don't know. She knows exposing me to her marital problems not only upsets me, but physically makes me sick with stress, and she doesn't care. She expects me to hear about them anyway. I realized yesterday that her marital shit not only tainted my halloween last year, but also my Christmas, my Birthday, and then popped up again the day before I was supposed to return to work three weeks ago, which would've been right before Easter. I can't go more than three/four months or hardly a single holiday without her problems infecting my life (it's like she's repeating the pattern we've both had with our mother, and she doesn't want to face that). And she knows that, but just doesn't seem to give a shit about why I'd care.
But what do I do about Jayden? How much time do I let pass before I find a way to, what? Send him a card? How can I still see him if things between my sister & I are all fucked up? Sometimes I just really hate life. I know this is the right choice, I KNOW IT, and there's not even a small part of me that wants to turn back on it (only--like I said above--a part of me that's going, "but maybe I should try to explain my position BETTER. . .maybe I could write a letter! THAT WOULD SOLVE EVERYTHING!", when I already know I explained my position thoroughly months ago, and from the heart), but it's still hard having it mess up my relationship with my nephew, who didn't ask for any of this.
But life isn't fair. And now I finally understand and feel like I can forgive my aunts & uncle for not reaching out & getting to know me better when I was a kid, because it was probably easier for them that way. One of my aunts admitted to me a few years ago that she did it on purpose because she was trying to avoid my mother, and it was this huge "a-ha!" moment for me, because I'd always suspected it. I'd always felt like my sister and I were the black sheep of the family compared to my cousins. And it made me resent the adults in my family because I was like, "You knew I was being raised by someone who was unstable, and you stood by & did nothing. You could've at least asked me if I was okay. Could've said you were there for me, could've told me the things she did weren't normal. Could've done ANYTHING. Could've offered to get me a counselor. Could've invited me over to your house for dinner sometimes. But except for one of you who babysat me for a while & sort of acted like I existed for a brief time before forgetting who I was when you couldn't stand my mother anymore, the rest of you just acted uncomfortable around me & hardly talked to me, when it would've meant the world to me to have a few stable adults in my life. Thanks for NOTHING, you selfish jerks. Except you, Nanny & Poppy, because you guys at least tried to be there for me. But fuck the rest of you!" But at least now, looking back, I can empathize better, because if they knew that reaching out to me meant having to be in touch with my mom, which was something that was upsetting to them, and they just couldn't handle that? Then, yeah, I get it. It still hurts, but I get it. And I can forgive it now.
I just don't want my nephew to look back years from now and be like, "hey, I remember when I was six, my aunt and I used to be really close, but then she just suddenly stopped talking to the rest of the family & dropped off the face of the Earth. Then I never saw her again. She must've not cared about me much." (or maybe even worse: he won't even remember being close to me) And then he has to deal with his fucked up family all by himself. But I can't control the world, right? I have to repeat that to myself: I CAN'T CONTROL THE WORLD.
This boundary I'm setting with my sister--to not be a part of her abusive marriage anymore--is a healthy one, and I have to be firm with it. It's to protect myself, and even if I hadn't set it down, I still would've kept fading away from her regardless, because that's what had been happening over the last year before now. It's actually a huge part of why I'm not as close to Izzie, unfortunately. I love her equally, don't get me wrong. But I mean it's why there haven't been as many stories about her. Part is that I have a job now, sure. I'm not the nanny anymore. And part was because I realized I needed to have my own life & not be so much a part of their life. But also? A HUGE part was minimizing my time in their home while Lance was there, so I wouldn't be present if a fight occurred. I would get extremely anxious being there if he was there with them and any type of conflict came up, even if it wasn't serious. I'm talking physically anxious. Fight or flight response. Even if the conflict had to do with the kids and it was just a tantrum over bedtime. There were times in the past where I literally had to take a walk outside to calm myself down. I am afraid of him (I've seen him get physical with her), and it's gotten to the point where my sister asks me "were things okay for you tonight?" when I leave sometimes, so she knows it's an issue for me. So it still would've affected my time with him. Because even if I hadn't said "this is my boundary," I was still distancing myself from her, and it becomes a bigger & bigger thing the more she calls me to tell me about him doing shit, crying & dumping all her crap on me, & then later blowing it off like it's no big thing, totally disregarding its effects on me. It'll make me worry about her, I'll get upset feeling for days, and it brings up all this anxiety for me, and afterward I'll feel so angry & used by her. And it's been creating strife between us for some time now. I can only hope that if she knows how important an issue this is to me, she'll know it's a big enough issue to get counseling for. Part of me wanted to make THAT the boundary--i.e. get counseling if you want a relationship with me--but I didn't know if that was pushing it too far. So I just stuck with "don't talk to me about your relationship, and respect that I need distance from it."
Anyway, I think I'm just rambling at this point, and forgetting where I was even going with this. I feel like maybe I should explain too that part of the "fight or flight" thing might be from my childhood and being exposed to physical violence then. I was never the victim of it (well, except for when I was a baby, and I don't remember that. And one time when Joe's son--who stopped coming over when I was eleven--started randomly kicking me repeatedly and no one felt the need to stop it for like ten minutes. My mom & stepdad literally walked in as I was on the ground crying & being kicked in the side & walked back out saying it was my responsibility to stop him), but I was always the witness. And the memories are still extremely visceral to me. The sound of my baby brother's cries & the crib banging against the wall, my sister screaming & being thrown into things (and my friends staring at me because we could all hear it, even though we were standing in my neighbor's yard), standing between my mother & sister as they'd be shoving each other back & forth, begging them to stop fighting & being ignored--this was a not-rare thing, much like police being called by neighbors, etc--watching my dad slap my brother & shove him into a table, the list goes on.
The only reason I was never struck was because I learned early on how to keep my mouth shut & play by the rules (my sister used to call me "mute" & get really pissed off at me for it). I was constantly threatened by my father though--in that "you'd better not cry or I'll give you something to cry about" kind of way--and instead of being physically hit, I just got constantly emotionally beaten down, either by my dad getting mad at me for everything I did (whether it be saying "thank you" too much & being too polite, laughing too much, doing things wrong all the time, spilling things, didn't matter), or my stepbrother & sister laughing at me for being fat & stupid & my stepdad joining in & defending them if I went to him for help because "they were right". So I shoved everything down, and I turned my anger inward. No surprise I became a depressed, anxious teenager, right? My sister acted up, did drugs, and dropped out of school. I meanwhile got good grades, graduated high school, developed anxiety attacks, had a nervous breakdown my first year in college, and plotted ways to kill myself. As one does.
Anyway, I don't even know why I'm going into my life story here. Sometimes it just feels good to talk about your shit, you know? Get a little of it out. Some of those things are already known to some of you, but some of them might not be. Either way, sometimes memories just weigh down on you, and you need to write them down & channel them into something cathartic & expressive, rather than repressing them & letting them just depress you. It can be really lonely walking around with so much pain simmering inside. You turn on the TV & people are all, "Family's all that matters!" and it's like, "Shut the fuck up, you happy bitches. Right now, I'm not even talking to most of my family, all right? And there's a reason. Stop trying to make me feel bad about that. Not everyone's so lucky."
The worst part? As a good deal of you know: the shit above? Not even the half of it. Not even a quarter. On the plus side though? If I ever end up honing my writing skills, and end up with a snazzy happy ending to this here life, I think I could make some serious bucks on a memoir. Hey there, silver lining!
But seriously, wrapping this up, I'm not sure where my relationship with my sister will end up. I felt very confident about what I was doing with my mom, which made things easier with her. With my sister, it's harder. I still know that setting down boundaries with her is the right thing. What I don't know is how successful even those will be. If she calls me and says, "Okay, I won't talk to you about him anymore," will that solve the problem? We have other things to work out too. She basically thinks she owns my life. She expects me to see her & the kids pretty much every other weekend, if not more, and guilt-trips me & gets passive-aggressive if I don't (another example: when she's in school? She feels entitled to me helping her with homework--to the point where she'll start by asking me to type up a paper for her that she's "already written" because I'm a faster typer & can spot spelling errors & bla bla bla, and then it'll become her basically expecting me to write the fucking thing when it's revealed that she's really only jotted down some notes--and will actually yell at me if I don't). I hardly have room to breathe & focus on myself. She calls me like every other day. And I love her, we're close, and that's great. But she's also a very negative person, complains like it's her job, kills my good moods on a regular basis, and pretty much never respects what I have to say if I try to tell her something she's done that bothers me. She's instantly a huge defensive bitch. So I think even if we get back in touch after this, I'm still going to have to work with my therapist on developing skills to maintain boundaries with her to stand up for myself, and make it so I have time with my nephew & niece, and a healthy *respectful* friendship with my sister, but not to the point where I don't have space to develop my own life & move forward as an adult, and where I'm not putting myself in situations around her husband that make me feel threatened & anxious.
The good news is that my therapist comes back into town in about a week. So I can talk to her about all of this then. And also that writing all of this out, particularly the last paragraph, made me feel a little better.
'Kay, enough family talk though, and let's move on.
5. Remember the Dark City thing at my work? I found out yesterday it's because all of Wilsonville is doing this whole "use less electricity" challenge this month. They've been doing it every day since that first day I commented on it. It's like Christmas in April. I think when I go for my next eye exam, I'm gonna ask about getting transition lenses for my glasses. Then it can be like Christmas all year 'round! (for real, I think I was a vampire in a past life. . .or possibly an albino)
6. My free-stuff-getting mojo remains alive & well. Remember the bus driver who gave me a free ride last week? Did it again yesterday. Apparently he does it every Friday now for his regular passengers who pay every other day & who don't have a monthly pass, since the pass saves people money but not everyone can afford to buy it. And also because "it starts their Friday off on the right foot." In other words, he's the most awesome bus driver ever. Which is what I told him. Heh.
7. I joined a new meetup group this week (on meetup.com, if anyone's curious where I find these groups. They have groups all around the country), this time for lgbt women between 30-ish (note the "ish", heh. I was like "I'm 28! Close enough!") to 50. It's a really small group so far (it literally just opened up this month), but I liked the ideas the organizer had for events. Hopefully it grows into a big group, and I can attend some events & make some friends. Or, you know, meet someone. But friends would be great too. Heh.
8. Speaking of socializing, I have plans with
5brokenfingers next weekend to hit up Saturday Market, and then tentative plans to maybe go see the new Nightmare on Elm Street movie with Amy the following weekend, and perhaps another movie with an old coworker I ran into on the bus the other day in the near future, and it's like I have a life or something all of a sudden. I'd nearly forgotten what that felt like.9. I'm done talking about family stuff for today, but I did want to add one positive thing that's come from all of the drama: Such as make time for friends, join new groups, etc. But also other things. When I went to that club with Amy the other night, she and I were talking about our bucket lists and her plans to backpack around Europe this summer (what, she couldn't have made those plans while we were dating? Or at a time when I had more money and could tag along? Damn her. Heh), and some of the items on our lists were little & silly, and quite do-able. Things like (for me) "become a better painter," "fix my violin & take lessons again," "become fluent in Spanish," "learn the piano," and "have my own darkroom." Okay, so the "have my own darkroom" one isn't little, but I still want one. Hee. I've always wanted one. Some of my most happy & peaceful memories in high school were staying late after school alone in the darkroom. Probably at least in part because of my past-life vampire tendencies. . .but I digress. (That does bring up an interesting question though. . .how could a vampire reincarnate if it doesn't have a soul? DAMN LOGIC.)
But anyway, point is: why don't I take another painting class again? Or a spanish class? Or find out what it would cost to fix my violin's bridge & the strings on my bow & take classes once a month or something? I have such a ridiculous fear that I would suck now because I haven't played in a decade--and even before that, a lot of my playing was by ear, because my technical training wasn't as good as the other kids'. I knew how to read notes, but struggled to just look at a sheet of music & figure out the melody until I heard it, and then I could play it as well as everyone else--but so what if I did? No one would know but me, my teacher, and my poor neighbors. It might not be a bad idea to look into it. I love music so much, and I love the violin so much. And just think: if I did, I could learn to play Bear McCreary music. HELLS YES. Anyway, not promising anything, but I dreamt last night that I found a second (non-broken) violin in my room, and was all happy about it & showing it to my nephew (see, told you guys: family dreams), and I think that was my subconscious trying to tell me something. Plus Amy was very opinionated on the subject and all, "What's your problem, just do it." Heh. And it'd be a fuck of a lot easier than piano lessons. Although I do think those would be fun too. But that would REALLY be starting from scratch. Violin makes more sense.
Funny sidenote: I mentioned on my bucket list that I think it would be cool to write a book, either a memoir or a children's book, and she was like, "See, everyone always says that, but I hate writing. I don't want to write a book." And I was like, "So, on your list is, don't write a book? Right after 'take guitar lessons' and 'travel to Amsterdam', it'll be 'don't write book'?" And she was like, "Shut up. But yes." Hee.
P.S. I love how in the middle of this gay bar where people were bumping & grinding to Madonna, we were sitting there getting drunk & talking about bucket lists. I AM A NON-CONFORMIST. Haha. Of course it helped that I was worried if we got up & danced it would be super awkward and I'd have to pull a Booth and "leave room for the Holy Spirit" or something. Heh. (another funny sidenote for you all? The first sign I had of her liking me before we dated was when we were dancing to "Juicy" by Notorious B.I.G--and I was impressing her with my mad drunk White Girl skillz of knowing all the lyrics by rapping them in her ear--and her hand was all "Oh hi there, Rachael's ass, don't mind if I rest here while we're dancing, do you?" Haha. P.P.S. I STILL THINK OF HER EVERYTIME I HEAR THAT SONG. Also, trust me, I imagine there's probably not much in the world more entertaining than seeing this short-ass nerd rapping to Notorious B.I.G. when she's wasted as fuck. I wish someone had been there with a camera on them. All I can say is this: Amy was DYING. Hahaha).
And just for funsies:
Heh.
10. As if this entry weren't already long enough, how about I finish it off with a little tv-rambling?
Re: Glee
-I still hate you, Will. There, I said it. I'M SORRY. I hate him. I HATE HIM A LOT. Actually, no, I'm not sorry. You know why? Because he's a douchebag. And a tool. A ~toolbag~ if you will. I am Team Sue all the way when it comes to him. And Team Terri for that matter. Fucking self-righteous asshole with his "I'm so cute" dimples. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SULLIED THE LIPS OF MY IDINA. *takes moment of silence*
(okay, now I'm just being over-dramatic on purpose. Hee. But I really do dislike him. And am tempted to make an icon with a bag of tools and a picture of his stupid face on the front, haha)
-On a similar note, I also still hate Emma. But less so now because by the end of this week's episode she finally thought of something other than herself & what she wanted for a change & stopped acting like a naive schoolgirl with a crush by breaking up with Will and listening to Terri. Would've been nice if she'd ever thought of Ken's feelings for like, oh I don't know, TWO SECONDS last season, but hey we can't expect miracles.
I have to admit, I also empathized with her because of the virginity thing. Damn you, Emma, I still hate you, don't make me relate to you.
-I can't remember their names, but those two girls who went out with Finn? I wish the entire show revolved around them & Sue. IT WOULD BE A MUCH BETTER SHOW. "Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?" Ha!
-The music: liked the Lionel Richie song (very pretty), but the rest was blah. Except the "Vogue" video at the end, which was made of crazy amounts of awesomeness. I USED TO LOVE THAT MUSIC VIDEO SO MUCH AS A KID. They just don't make 'em like they used to, yo.[/old person]
-Finn: you are dumb as a box of bricks, and I don't know why Rachel has such a crush on you. When I was in high school? My crush would've been on the Asian kid in the back who break-dances. Just sayin'.
-Idina Menzel: HOW CAN YOU HAVE HER ON THE SHOW & NOT HAVE HER SING? WHAT KIND OF INJUSTICE IS THAT? I DEMAND A RECOUNT. Also: WTF, she should've been cast as Rachel's long-lost mother. They are like twinsies.
-Sue Sylvester: I LOVE YOU. NEVER LEAVE ME.
Re: Amazing Race
-THE COWBOYS ARE STILL IN IT. OH, MY GRAVY. GO GET 'EM, BOYS!
-I HOPE TEAM "THE IRAQ & SUCH AS" LOSES & LOSES HARD. THEY ARE HATEFUL BITCHES & MUST BE STRUCK DOWN BY KARMA. STRUCK DOWN & THEN CHASED BY AN ANGRY RACCOON. AND POSSIBLY GIVEN AN EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE RASH. AND THEN AUDITED BY THE IRS. HEY, SHIT HAPPENS, OKAY? DON'T FUCK WITH KARMA.
Since I talked about violin stuff in this entry, I figured it'd be appropriate to go with a music-themed Vid of the Day today. Who's in the mood to watch a random kid play Bear McCreary tunes on his violin? No "Shape of Things To Come", sadly, but he does do a lovely version of the Roslin & Adama theme! (which btw would be the first Bear McCreary song I'd learn if I did pick the violin back up, because it'd be super easy. Heh. And, hello: ROSLIN & ADAMA.) Enjoy:
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-19 01:57 am (UTC)I think until things with your sister are resolved, sending Jayden a card every once in a while and reminding him that he can call you is a good idea! I also think you should/could write him and Isabella little letters or draw them pictures , etc. Maybe you can also write letters that you don't send so that if they don't get the letters that you do send, you can show that you have been thinking about them.
At any rate, it sucks that they are the collateral damage in this situation (ON SO MANY LEVELS), but I am very proud of you for taking care of yourself and your mental health. IF ONLY THESE THINGS WERE EASIER. Bah.
Definitely take a class! Going back to dance two years ago was the greatest thing I ever did. So I encourage you to pursue something artistic/creative you love, definitely.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-19 04:51 am (UTC)Thanks. :) I hope you're right.
I bought a card at the store tonight, and am thinking I will send it with a note to my sister & a picture/note for my nephew. I just have to figure out what I want to say. Any advice?
Definitely take a class!
I'm going to look into it. If I can find something on a Saturday, or a worknight that works with the bus schedule, I'll do it. Either violin lessons, or Spanish classes, or painting classes, something. Just something that interests me and fulfills me. That's the goal. And then make it a goal to keep including things like that in my life. I like the idea of that a lot, along with keeping up with the meetup groups. I still want to look into the al-anon thing too. It just got sort of put to the wayside, but it's probably still worth checking out, even if I only go once.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-20 09:55 pm (UTC)For them, just that you're thinking about them and miss them but you have to sort some things out and they can call you any time? Which is true and doesn't malign your sister.
It's a tough one to be sure.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-21 06:18 am (UTC)Sighness.