Insert witty subject heading here
Nov. 23rd, 2013 11:47 pmHey, people. I know I've been posting less lately, and I'm sorry about that. I just haven't felt much like writing, but I'm gonna make it easy on myself tonight & keep this entry short(ish).
Things that have happened or are happening now:
-The letter my psych wrote for me worked, and they reinstated my food stamp benefits. Thank God. Even though I can't eat much right now anyway, but still. Losing it would've been a huge blow going forward.
-I had the barium swallow test done, and there was some improvement since the last one, but they were kind of vague as to how much it had actually improved. I also saw a surgeon at OHSU for a second opinion, and she wants me to have another endoscopy done so she can get a better look at how things really are progressing & try dilating the area where the obstruction has been. I won't have to pay for it, which makes me happy, but I'm also a bit scared to do it because last time they tried they couldn't get me sedated. NOT FUN. Hopefully this time they can knock my ass out.
My second-opinion surgeon also said that another surgery is still on the table as a last-resort option if it doesn't look like it's going to continue healing, and that surgery would involve removing half my stomach. No thank you! So, yeah, I'm really hoping the endoscopy shows improvement too, and that I can start eating normally again soon & get rid of this feeding tube.
-I spoke with an advisor at Portland State University (where I plan to transfer next Fall), and she helped me pick a major (liberal studies). It'll allow me some flexibility in the types of courses I can take, and it'd work for either tutoring after graduation or getting my masters in education if I decided to try teaching full-time in the future. I haven't actually applied to the school yet though; I'm going to take care of that this week.
-I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately -- both the specific worry kind (e.g. what if I don't get disability by next summer & don't get a part-time job and I have to move in with my sister, what if I can't hack it at PSU, what if I have to have another surgery, what if my current lack of interest in everything doesn't get better soon & I just get worse & have to go to a hospital again, what if what if what if) and the free-floating, all-encompassing dread sort. It can sometimes be almost unbearable, especially when depression is along for the ride, but I'm trying to get through it the best I can. I have a million and one worries, and I can't do much about a lot of them right now other than visualize a big ol' STOP sign in my brain over & over. It just is what it is.
On a more positive & constructive note, I finally brought up some of the OCD symptoms I've always had to my counselor this week (symptoms that I've pretty much always kept to myself, because they involve unwanted, intrusive, taboo, irrational thoughts/fears that embarrass me too much to share), and came to realize (with her help) that most of them center around control. It's not surprising, but it did give me some insight. She gave me a packet of information to go home with, centering around exposure therapy, but it says to hold off on it if you're going through a period of high stress already, which I am. So we'll probably tread lightly on it for now. But the point is that I'm proud of being able to at least talk about it to someone.
-I have someone who's been trying to help me sign up for the Oregon Health Plan, and it's taking forever to get through the process because at first she was trying to do it in a way that would allow my benefits to be active immediately, covering past bills retroactively (by showing that I'm disabled), and yet also get me signed up through the expanded medicaid dealio if the first way doesn't work in time. Fortunately I at least have 100% financial assistance at OHSU for now, but that doesn't cover all my needs, especially since they don't have a migraine specialist there & none of their primary doctors are accepting new discount patients at the moment. I do have faith that eventually it'll all get worked out though.
-Speaking of things taking forever: I'm still working with my disability lawyer, getting all my records together & filling out all the info, but even once my application is in it could still take like five months to get a decision back. I really hope I can be the exception to that, and also the exception to most people being denied on their first try. I need the help BAD. I had to ask my grandma for $650 so I could pay my bills in December, and now I'm not even sure if that was enough because apparently there's a $50 fee for applying to PSU. Ugh!
-I found my half-brother on Facebook and sent him a message, but I haven't heard back yet. I don't know if that's because he didn't get a notification or if he just is ignoring me. I know he's logged in lately though.
-I'm still getting As in both my classes.
-Thanks to![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
keenai's recommendation, I've been listening to these Al-Anon podcasts, which is really helpful because I haven't been able to get to an ACA meeting in person for a long time. None of the podcasts so far have directly related to the things I've been going through lately, but I usually still get something out of them, and they do help to relax me some.
-The holidays are already getting to me a bit, especially when it comes to grief over my mom's death & my dad's asshole nature, but at least I will see my sister & the kids for dessert on Thanksgiving (I'm pretty sure I can eat pumpkin pie since I've been upgraded to a soft diet), and I have the bestest BFF ever who sent me an early Christmas present already (season 2 of American Horror Story and the book version of Hyperbole and a Half).
-I was feeling a lot of overwhelming anxiety earlier today, but it improved after spending the evening with my sister & her kids. I think I've been alone too much lately, so I'm probably going over there tomorrow as well.
Okay, I think that's enough rambling for now. Maybe in my next post I'll talk about TV.
No Vid of the Day this time because I can't think of an appropriate one to share. Sorry!
Things that have happened or are happening now:
-The letter my psych wrote for me worked, and they reinstated my food stamp benefits. Thank God. Even though I can't eat much right now anyway, but still. Losing it would've been a huge blow going forward.
-I had the barium swallow test done, and there was some improvement since the last one, but they were kind of vague as to how much it had actually improved. I also saw a surgeon at OHSU for a second opinion, and she wants me to have another endoscopy done so she can get a better look at how things really are progressing & try dilating the area where the obstruction has been. I won't have to pay for it, which makes me happy, but I'm also a bit scared to do it because last time they tried they couldn't get me sedated. NOT FUN. Hopefully this time they can knock my ass out.
My second-opinion surgeon also said that another surgery is still on the table as a last-resort option if it doesn't look like it's going to continue healing, and that surgery would involve removing half my stomach. No thank you! So, yeah, I'm really hoping the endoscopy shows improvement too, and that I can start eating normally again soon & get rid of this feeding tube.
-I spoke with an advisor at Portland State University (where I plan to transfer next Fall), and she helped me pick a major (liberal studies). It'll allow me some flexibility in the types of courses I can take, and it'd work for either tutoring after graduation or getting my masters in education if I decided to try teaching full-time in the future. I haven't actually applied to the school yet though; I'm going to take care of that this week.
-I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety lately -- both the specific worry kind (e.g. what if I don't get disability by next summer & don't get a part-time job and I have to move in with my sister, what if I can't hack it at PSU, what if I have to have another surgery, what if my current lack of interest in everything doesn't get better soon & I just get worse & have to go to a hospital again, what if what if what if) and the free-floating, all-encompassing dread sort. It can sometimes be almost unbearable, especially when depression is along for the ride, but I'm trying to get through it the best I can. I have a million and one worries, and I can't do much about a lot of them right now other than visualize a big ol' STOP sign in my brain over & over. It just is what it is.
On a more positive & constructive note, I finally brought up some of the OCD symptoms I've always had to my counselor this week (symptoms that I've pretty much always kept to myself, because they involve unwanted, intrusive, taboo, irrational thoughts/fears that embarrass me too much to share), and came to realize (with her help) that most of them center around control. It's not surprising, but it did give me some insight. She gave me a packet of information to go home with, centering around exposure therapy, but it says to hold off on it if you're going through a period of high stress already, which I am. So we'll probably tread lightly on it for now. But the point is that I'm proud of being able to at least talk about it to someone.
-I have someone who's been trying to help me sign up for the Oregon Health Plan, and it's taking forever to get through the process because at first she was trying to do it in a way that would allow my benefits to be active immediately, covering past bills retroactively (by showing that I'm disabled), and yet also get me signed up through the expanded medicaid dealio if the first way doesn't work in time. Fortunately I at least have 100% financial assistance at OHSU for now, but that doesn't cover all my needs, especially since they don't have a migraine specialist there & none of their primary doctors are accepting new discount patients at the moment. I do have faith that eventually it'll all get worked out though.
-Speaking of things taking forever: I'm still working with my disability lawyer, getting all my records together & filling out all the info, but even once my application is in it could still take like five months to get a decision back. I really hope I can be the exception to that, and also the exception to most people being denied on their first try. I need the help BAD. I had to ask my grandma for $650 so I could pay my bills in December, and now I'm not even sure if that was enough because apparently there's a $50 fee for applying to PSU. Ugh!
-I found my half-brother on Facebook and sent him a message, but I haven't heard back yet. I don't know if that's because he didn't get a notification or if he just is ignoring me. I know he's logged in lately though.
-I'm still getting As in both my classes.
-Thanks to
keenai's recommendation, I've been listening to these Al-Anon podcasts, which is really helpful because I haven't been able to get to an ACA meeting in person for a long time. None of the podcasts so far have directly related to the things I've been going through lately, but I usually still get something out of them, and they do help to relax me some. -The holidays are already getting to me a bit, especially when it comes to grief over my mom's death & my dad's asshole nature, but at least I will see my sister & the kids for dessert on Thanksgiving (I'm pretty sure I can eat pumpkin pie since I've been upgraded to a soft diet), and I have the bestest BFF ever who sent me an early Christmas present already (season 2 of American Horror Story and the book version of Hyperbole and a Half).
-I was feeling a lot of overwhelming anxiety earlier today, but it improved after spending the evening with my sister & her kids. I think I've been alone too much lately, so I'm probably going over there tomorrow as well.
Okay, I think that's enough rambling for now. Maybe in my next post I'll talk about TV.
No Vid of the Day this time because I can't think of an appropriate one to share. Sorry!
