Smile, though your heart is aching
Jul. 10th, 2010 01:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rachg82So, some of you may be asking yourselves, "Self, what's the best form of distraction when your life both sucks & blows?" Well, I have the answer for you. Picspams, baby. Pervy, pervy picspams.
(and yes, I did just fit the words "sucks," "blows," & "pervy" all into one paragraph. *takes a bow*)
Now, it's just a small picspam, mind you. Probably doesn't even deserve the name. But I'm going to call it a picspam anyway because I can. Rebel without a cause over here, yo.
So without further delay, I hereby give you:
Reason #1:
Reason #2:
Reason #3:
Reason #4:
Reason #5:
Reason #6:
Reason #7:
Reason #8:
Reason #9
Reason #10
Pretty much sums it up, yes? Also there's killer robots & people getting stabbed in the neck with pens. HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG?
As for why I needed a distraction tonight, that would be because I never heard back from my sister. Which is just depressing & maddening as all hell. I shouldn't be surprised since she never replied last time either, but it still surprises me anyway. I know she was online (the yahoo chat thingie came up showing her when I checked my mail), and I just can't understand what a manipulative dick you'd have to be to give someone crap for not seeing their nephew, yet not respond everytime they ask to see him. I don't understand her anymore period and I haven't for months now.
But that's how it goes, you know? I can't do anything about it other than keep making an effort to reach out to him and try my best to not let it get me down. It's incredibly hard though. I was so much a part of his life that when he'd draw family pictures, it would be of him, his mom, dad, and me. Every time. And now, what, I'm just supposed to never see him again? I used to be his nanny, you know? I saw him more than his parents did at one time. I fed him, rocked him to sleep, dyed easter eggs with him, carved pumpkins with him, went trick-or-treating with him, went to the park with him. I taught him to draw, took him into the woods for "expeditions," had stuffed animal parties with paper hats & fake food & hand-drawn invitations, gave him the majority of the books he owns, sang songs to him & taught him his first dance. His first STEPS were to me for Christ's sake. I just. . .can't stand it. To say that it hurts would be the understatement of the fucking century.
But again, there is absolutely nothing I can do. Not unless I want to sacrifice my own well-being. Which, no. Not only because I need to take care of myself, but because what kind of example would I be setting as an aunt then? "Hey, Jayden, see all these abusive, chaotic people? Here's how to handle this kind of situation: stay around them, let them act inappropriately to you, and do nothing about it." Yeah, I don't think so. If my sister wants to allow her children to continue being exposed to a convicted child molester who only months ago asked to see her topless, plus a woman who does nothing to manage her addictions & regularly goes stark-raving mad, I can't stop her. But I can make the decision to stop being exposed to it myself. And then continue reaching out to my nephew so he knows I'm still here, and will always be here.
And like I said before, maybe over time this will get through to others. Maybe my mom will get help, and I'll get to have the mom that I love--the one that's trapped underneath all the other bullshit--come to the surface again for more than a few weeks a year. Maybe my sister will understand why I couldn't listen to her tell me things like my brother in law screaming "fuck you" at my baby niece anymore, not go back to him this time, and rebuild a relationship with me based on healthy boundaries, love, & respect. Who knows. None of those things can be controlled by me. So I have to let go & move on.
In the meantime though, I'm just doing my best to balance the mourning with looking to the future. It's not easy, especially since I feel very, very alone. But I know I'm not. Even when I'm facing an evening with no one to keep me company or give me a hug when I need one, and I walk by families at the park having barbeques and want to cry, I know I still have friends who care about me. I still have my cousin. And I still know there's no way to predict what's around the corner. I was thinking about it during my walk tonight through the woods, and realized life is a lot like walking those trails, if you'll pardon the cheesy comparison. Sometimes you find a trail you've never gone down before, and you don't know what's coming up next, but you keep walking because you're curious to find out. Sometimes the trail gets muddy and you have to turn around & choose a different path. Sometimes you just stick it out & keep going until the path gets clear again. But you keep going because the experience is worthwhile, even when it's muddy. So everytime I start feeling like death would be better & there's no point to continue, I'll try to remind myself of those paths, and think of my nephew wanting me in this world. Even if he can't see me right now, eventually he'll be old enough to make his own decisions, and I wouldn't want to not be here for him then if he needed me.
So back to square one I go. I'd thought I was doing well with the family stuff too, you know? But yeah, this week was really, really not easy. Still, as we used to sing to my nephew when he'd fall down: pick yourself up, dust yourself off, turn around & do it all over again.
For the rest of the weekend, my plans are to attend an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night, and go to a street fair with a friend tomorrow afternoon. I think getting out & being around people will do me a world of good.
But enough rambling and let's wrap this bad boy up with a Vid of the Day, shall we? To continue the "cheer up, Emo McEmoface" theme above, here's an awesome vid that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bibliodragon shared with me the other day when I was sad. There are about 20+ of these in the series and they are all fucking HILARIOUS. I stayed up for hours last night watching them plus the vidder's Star Wars parodies just effing *dying*. I wish this guy (or girl) had their own show, seriously. Even this morning I woke up & randomly thought of a few of the videos & started laughing all over again. ~Dear Gary the Cylon, plz be my BFF 4eva.~
(and yes, I did just fit the words "sucks," "blows," & "pervy" all into one paragraph. *takes a bow*)
Now, it's just a small picspam, mind you. Probably doesn't even deserve the name. But I'm going to call it a picspam anyway because I can. Rebel without a cause over here, yo.
So without further delay, I hereby give you:
Reason #1:
Reason #2:
Reason #3:
Reason #4:
Reason #5:
Reason #6:
Reason #7:
Reason #8:
Reason #9
Reason #10
Pretty much sums it up, yes? Also there's killer robots & people getting stabbed in the neck with pens. HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG?
As for why I needed a distraction tonight, that would be because I never heard back from my sister. Which is just depressing & maddening as all hell. I shouldn't be surprised since she never replied last time either, but it still surprises me anyway. I know she was online (the yahoo chat thingie came up showing her when I checked my mail), and I just can't understand what a manipulative dick you'd have to be to give someone crap for not seeing their nephew, yet not respond everytime they ask to see him. I don't understand her anymore period and I haven't for months now.
But that's how it goes, you know? I can't do anything about it other than keep making an effort to reach out to him and try my best to not let it get me down. It's incredibly hard though. I was so much a part of his life that when he'd draw family pictures, it would be of him, his mom, dad, and me. Every time. And now, what, I'm just supposed to never see him again? I used to be his nanny, you know? I saw him more than his parents did at one time. I fed him, rocked him to sleep, dyed easter eggs with him, carved pumpkins with him, went trick-or-treating with him, went to the park with him. I taught him to draw, took him into the woods for "expeditions," had stuffed animal parties with paper hats & fake food & hand-drawn invitations, gave him the majority of the books he owns, sang songs to him & taught him his first dance. His first STEPS were to me for Christ's sake. I just. . .can't stand it. To say that it hurts would be the understatement of the fucking century.
But again, there is absolutely nothing I can do. Not unless I want to sacrifice my own well-being. Which, no. Not only because I need to take care of myself, but because what kind of example would I be setting as an aunt then? "Hey, Jayden, see all these abusive, chaotic people? Here's how to handle this kind of situation: stay around them, let them act inappropriately to you, and do nothing about it." Yeah, I don't think so. If my sister wants to allow her children to continue being exposed to a convicted child molester who only months ago asked to see her topless, plus a woman who does nothing to manage her addictions & regularly goes stark-raving mad, I can't stop her. But I can make the decision to stop being exposed to it myself. And then continue reaching out to my nephew so he knows I'm still here, and will always be here.
And like I said before, maybe over time this will get through to others. Maybe my mom will get help, and I'll get to have the mom that I love--the one that's trapped underneath all the other bullshit--come to the surface again for more than a few weeks a year. Maybe my sister will understand why I couldn't listen to her tell me things like my brother in law screaming "fuck you" at my baby niece anymore, not go back to him this time, and rebuild a relationship with me based on healthy boundaries, love, & respect. Who knows. None of those things can be controlled by me. So I have to let go & move on.
In the meantime though, I'm just doing my best to balance the mourning with looking to the future. It's not easy, especially since I feel very, very alone. But I know I'm not. Even when I'm facing an evening with no one to keep me company or give me a hug when I need one, and I walk by families at the park having barbeques and want to cry, I know I still have friends who care about me. I still have my cousin. And I still know there's no way to predict what's around the corner. I was thinking about it during my walk tonight through the woods, and realized life is a lot like walking those trails, if you'll pardon the cheesy comparison. Sometimes you find a trail you've never gone down before, and you don't know what's coming up next, but you keep walking because you're curious to find out. Sometimes the trail gets muddy and you have to turn around & choose a different path. Sometimes you just stick it out & keep going until the path gets clear again. But you keep going because the experience is worthwhile, even when it's muddy. So everytime I start feeling like death would be better & there's no point to continue, I'll try to remind myself of those paths, and think of my nephew wanting me in this world. Even if he can't see me right now, eventually he'll be old enough to make his own decisions, and I wouldn't want to not be here for him then if he needed me.
So back to square one I go. I'd thought I was doing well with the family stuff too, you know? But yeah, this week was really, really not easy. Still, as we used to sing to my nephew when he'd fall down: pick yourself up, dust yourself off, turn around & do it all over again.
For the rest of the weekend, my plans are to attend an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night, and go to a street fair with a friend tomorrow afternoon. I think getting out & being around people will do me a world of good.
But enough rambling and let's wrap this bad boy up with a Vid of the Day, shall we? To continue the "cheer up, Emo McEmoface" theme above, here's an awesome vid that
bibliodragon shared with me the other day when I was sad. There are about 20+ of these in the series and they are all fucking HILARIOUS. I stayed up for hours last night watching them plus the vidder's Star Wars parodies just effing *dying*. I wish this guy (or girl) had their own show, seriously. Even this morning I woke up & randomly thought of a few of the videos & started laughing all over again. ~Dear Gary the Cylon, plz be my BFF 4eva.~ 
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-10 05:44 pm (UTC)The thing you've got to focus on is that this isn't forever. Yes, you've been cut out of your nephew's life, and that really sucks. But, when he gets older and out from under the influence of his parents a bit, he and Isabella are going to need you as the one port of sanity in their family. That probably seems like forever away right now, but that day will come.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-11 09:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-10 08:26 pm (UTC)Gary the Cylon is hilarious. "Isn't Starbuck a girl's name?"
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-11 09:31 pm (UTC)And thanks. ♥
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-10 10:33 pm (UTC)♥
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-11 09:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-11 08:21 pm (UTC)The stuff with your nephew is so heartbreaking. I really hope you see him soon. I can give you a virtual hug! *Hug* It's not as good as the real thing but I hope it helps.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-07-11 09:35 pm (UTC)And thanks. :) Virtual hugs are still just as thoughtful and I'm really grateful for the support I get here.