(no subject)

[rachg82]

So, because I truly am the quientessential packrat, and will save everything and anything I can, I generally save most of my IM conversations that are even remotely interesting, right? Tonight, I was going through them, to find one to send to dosidella, who is also a crazy IM saver (I was sending one of ours, that she didn't save. Hee, how cute is it that she wanted me to send it to her, too?), and started reading some of the stuff, because I've been bored as Hell all night. Man, we are some funny bitches. Hee. I love us! And I love reading funny conversations between people, myself, so I figured I'd share the hilarity. Heh.

Just to give some background info first (because I, unlike some people--*eyes dosi*--care about my random IM posting making sense! Heh), dosi has all these stalkers crouching in the bushes in front of her house (not for real, though, hee. It's just a joke of ours. Long story.) They're a little annoying for her, but they're very amusing to me.

rachmarieg: your mailman probably wants the card for himself. selfish stalker
An underwater: hee, you are so cute
An underwater: which one?
An underwater: we seriously have three
rachmarieg: the one that makes the music fromt he stabbing shower scene in psycho, when he delivers the mail
rachmarieg: haha
rachmarieg: "whee, whee, whee, whee"
An underwater: one comes in the morning, one comes around one, and one comes around three
An underwater: oh, he's the morning guy
rachmarieg: the one with the twitching, lazy eye
rachmarieg: how much mail do you get? shit
rachmarieg: three?
rachmarieg: wow
rachmarieg: the second one whispers "stab, stab, stab, stab, kill, kill, kill, kill" you know, like in the jason movies
rachmarieg: i love that your mailmen are like freaks that have just seen too many horror movies
An underwater: no, they bring, like, one bill each. it's weird.
rachmarieg: and you just walk by them, like rolling your eyes. all "hi, bob"
An underwater: they are!
An underwater: they're crazy.
rachmarieg: and they're all sheepish for a sec
rachmarieg: like "hey"
rachmarieg: then they go back to looking crazy
An underwater: our old mailman went, um, postal, so now they're, like, having auditions for the job. i think the morning guy should win.
An underwater: hee!
rachmarieg: with the rest of the people, lurking behind your bushes. who all wave at you, and greet you every morning
rachmarieg: remember?
rachmarieg: hee
An underwater: those people are getting annoying
rachmarieg: jeennnnnnnnaaaaaa
An underwater: they're so LOUD
rachmarieg: with the moaning, and the desperate keening cries
An underwater: stupid bitches
rachmarieg: they take off their hats to your grandma though. like, they're all polite
rachmarieg: so she likes them. and invites them in for pie
rachmarieg: you come home one day, and they're all sitting in your kitchen
rachmarieg: one raises a butcher knife, and your grandma's all "now, now, steve. remember what we discussed?"
rachmarieg: steve: "sigh. no killing, i know"
rachmarieg: grandma: "that's right, steve. now, eat your pie"
An underwater: hee!
An underwater: they eat pie and talk about trading spaces!
rachmarieg: right, they're all normal, except that they want to wear your skin like a suit
rachmarieg: and rape your skull
An underwater: okay, eww
rachmarieg: hahahaha
An underwater: thanks for that
rachmarieg: you know where i got the second quote?
An underwater: no, but i bet you're going to tell me.
rachmarieg: hee
rachmarieg: you know me so well
rachmarieg: just for that, i'm not going ot
An underwater: riiiight. two seconds before you crack.
rachmarieg: nope. hmph
An underwater: you can't keep things like that to yourself.
rachmarieg: *pursed lips*
An underwater: it's very un-you. unyou. that would be a cool band name.
An underwater: don't look at me like that!
rachmarieg: *looks away, pretends to study nails*
An underwater: whatever, watch me not care.
rachmarieg: sniff
An underwater: you even SAID you were pretending.
An underwater: you suck at this game
rachmarieg: okay, now i'm just pouting
An underwater: aww
An underwater: it's okay
An underwater: have some pie
An underwater: decorate a room
An underwater: you'll feel better
rachmarieg: heh, now i'm picturing one of the stalkers trying to bite my hand, as i reach for the pie
rachmarieg: and your grandma's all "jooooohn!"
rachmarieg: and he's like "sorry, nana"
rachmarieg: then she asks the stalkers if they'd like a hot pocket. maybe an eggo?
rachmarieg: haha
An underwater: hee!

Heh, I love the crazy stalkers! Even if they want to bite my hand off, and kill dosidella in her sleep. Details, details, you know. Okay, this next one, I was telling her about this segment they had on the Daily Show a while back, which I thought was just classic.

rachmarieg: they had this guy once. . .
rachmarieg: who had a whole like museum collection of pornos, in the basement of his mother's house, where he lived
rachmarieg: this old dude. and he had them dewey decimal system-ed. like a library
An underwater: oh. my. god.
rachmarieg: and grew the nail on his pinkie really long, to flip through the cards easier
rachmarieg: so very wrong
An underwater: ha!
An underwater: that is awesome!
An underwater: sick bastard
rachmarieg: like, file cabinets full of index cards
rachmarieg: hee
rachmarieg: his hands must be wicked strong
rachmarieg: like he could probably bend steel
rachmarieg: with his masturbatory hands
rachmarieg: like a superpower!
An underwater: hee, i wouldn't doubt it
An underwater: masturbation man! whee!
rachmarieg: okay, why is his penis glowing now? like "ahhhh!"
rachmarieg: hee
rachmarieg: with the music
rachmarieg: Masturbation Man!
rachmarieg: and he has these big, pulsating hands
rachmarieg: haha
rachmarieg: with the one, long nail
rachmarieg: eww
An underwater: to the jizzmobile!
rachmarieg: hee
An underwater: okay, yeah, ew
An underwater: with the nail. that's creepy
rachmarieg: but if you do it all the time, you'd probably be like the jizz scooter
rachmarieg: or something
An underwater: hee, true
rachmarieg: hee, jizz scooter
rachmarieg: poor guy
rachmarieg: with like a little girl basket on the front
rachmarieg: with the purple bow
rachmarieg: and the bell
An underwater: it's like, the nail thing tips the scale, though. the other stuff, whatever. but that's what makes him crazy. the NAIL!
rachmarieg: hee! i know!
rachmarieg: like, that's the worst
rachmarieg: like, dewey decimal system for your massive collection of pornos?
rachmarieg: hey, who am i to judge?
rachmarieg: but the nail?
rachmarieg: eww
An underwater: exactly!
An underwater: i mean, that's very ewww
rachmarieg: and in his mother's basement, dude!
rachmarieg: agh!
An underwater: it's what makes him Masturbation Man instead of just Creepy Old Dude.
rachmarieg: he probably dresses up in her dress at night, and calls her "Mother"
An underwater: and wears her lipstick
rachmarieg: hee
rachmarieg: and a wig
rachmarieg: but the lipstick's all crazy
rachmarieg: like on his chin and shit
An underwater: right, exactly
rachmarieg: the nail gets in the way, when applying makeup you see
rachmarieg: and of course, he's CRAZY
rachmarieg: hee
An underwater: okay, now i'm just starting to imagine this guy as a norman baites-wannabe. except, of course, MM's got the nail.
rachmarieg: hee. me too
An underwater: well, yeah, he's crazy
rachmarieg: but not crazy, like crazy. CRAZY
rachmarieg: the caps make it funnier
An underwater: okay. he's CRAZY
rachmarieg: hee
rachmarieg: i enjoy that you humor me
An underwater: C to the R to the A to the Z to the Y
rachmarieg: hee!
rachmarieg: fo shizzle my nizzle!
An underwater: hee!
rachmarieg: when you wrote that, i imagined you with the big clock around your neck
An underwater: Masturbation Man scares me.
rachmarieg: rapping it
An underwater: um, cool?
An underwater: hee
rachmarieg: in the adidas sweatsuit
rachmarieg: yo, yo, yo, yo!
rachmarieg: c to the r to the a to the z to the y!
rachmarieg: like, you just randomly show up in his basement
rachmarieg: and rap that
rachmarieg: then leave
rachmarieg: with the huge boombox, on your shoulder
rachmarieg: hee!
An underwater: yes! gotta have the boombox
rachmarieg: you're all spike lee joint
rachmarieg: MM is all "i dont' appreciate that"
An underwater: "i'm trying to jerk off, people! really!"
rachmarieg: i think he'd be all snooty about it
rachmarieg: like use big words to say why masturbation is normal and healthy
rachmarieg: like, all defensive
An underwater: MM is snotty?
rachmarieg: suddenly
rachmarieg: snooty
rachmarieg: not snotty
An underwater: oh, snooty
rachmarieg: like "i drink my brandy by the fire"
An underwater: that makes more sense
rachmarieg: except he's just some dude watching pornos in his mother's basement
rachmarieg: cuz like, norman bates dude would probably be all weird like that
An underwater: pontifecating about why masturbating for 23 hours/day is perfectly healthy
rachmarieg: exactly
rachmarieg: his mother like interrupts the interview
rachmarieg: to be all "MM!!! i thought i told you to take out the trash this morning!"
rachmarieg: and he's like "sigh! fine, mother!"
rachmarieg: stomping up, in his crushed velvet suit
An underwater: he actually says "sigh," too.
rachmarieg: totally
rachmarieg: you know, i bet it's impossible to drink brandy from one of those big brandy glasses without feeling at least slightly cool
rachmarieg: i'd want to start talking like sean connery
An underwater: hee, oh, totally
rachmarieg: or maybe some britsh dude
An underwater: they're just inherently cool
rachmarieg: about how the "hunt" was that afternoon
rachmarieg: hee
An underwater: hee!
An underwater: the "hunt."
rachmarieg: "shall we go again in a fortnight?"
rachmarieg: "indeed!"
An underwater: "pip, pip, old chap."
rachmarieg: righty-oh!
An underwater: i don't even know what that means
An underwater: pip pip
rachmarieg: and we heartily laugh
rachmarieg: smoking our pipes
An underwater: naturally
rachmarieg: in our dressing gowns
An underwater: and there's a talking dog
rachmarieg: hee!
An underwater: where's that from?
rachmarieg: well, the raven from the poe poem is there for me, so why not?
rachmarieg: and it's the room from simpson's version of it
An underwater: hee

An underwater: on a completely unrelated note, I'm officially a freak. Instead of finishing my icon set, I'm fixing ones I already made that are less than perfect. Freak.
rachmarieg: hee!
rachmarieg: awe
rachmarieg: aw*
rachmarieg: bismold!
An underwater: hee. And it's funny how "beautiful freak" started playing as I wrote that. It's like a movie!
rachmarieg: hee, that's great
rachmarieg: you have your own soundtrack
rachmarieg: that would be fun, if music followed you around in life. and like dramatic crescendos swelled and shit, when you walked in the door
rachmarieg: hee
An underwater: hee! I would love that so very much.
rachmarieg: then you could turn and be all "the hell?"
rachmarieg: "where are those violins coming from?"
rachmarieg: you open your closet, and there's these old dudes with violins sittin in there
An underwater: Hee!
rachmarieg: ha ha. your'e all "get out of here!"
rachmarieg: "shoo!"
An underwater: and they don't say anything or move. just keep playing.
rachmarieg: hee. i pictured them playing, as they walked out. but then they always come back. like, they come and play sleepy music, while you're in bed. and they follow you down the street
rachmarieg: and people stare, and you're all "sigh!"
An underwater: hee. I hate those guys.
An underwater: This was supposed to be fun! Now it's just annoying.
rachmarieg: hee. well it's making me laugh,and that's what's important here
rachmarieg: i love how our jokes about you seem to always involve people following you around, or stalking you
rachmarieg: hee
An underwater: yeah, it's starting to get scary. Like, how many stalkers do I even have now? They walk together in a group, so it's hard for them to be inconspicuous.
rachmarieg: hee
rachmarieg: i think the stalkers hang at your house
rachmarieg: but the musicians are just this small group, walking behind you
rachmarieg: one of them has a drum on him. and another has a trumpet
rachmarieg: then of course the violinists
rachmarieg: haha, i love this joke!
An underwater: the stalkers sleep in my closet sometimes, though, so they've met the violin dudes.
rachmarieg: really? i htought they stayed behind the bushes
rachmarieg: except when your grandma invites them in for pie
An underwater: No, but they sneak in my house sometimes at night.
rachmarieg: ooh, creepy
An underwater: and steal things.
rachmarieg: oh, like the sock fairies! is this your explanaion for missing underwear?
rachmarieg: or the underwear gnomes
rachmarieg: phase one: steal underpants
rachmarieg: phase two: ?
rachmarieg: phase three: profit!
An underwater: heh
rachmarieg: i love those gnomes, dude
An underwater: because you're one of them?
rachmarieg: the stalkers totally steal your socks
rachmarieg: i'm not an underwear gnome!
An underwater: socks and toothbrushes, they steal
An underwater: tell it to the judge, hon
rachmarieg: i dont' even have room for stolen underwear, with my three thousand pairs
An underwater: oh, you make room.
rachmarieg: heh, that's creepy
rachmarieg: stealing other people's underwear
rachmarieg: sounds like something Masturbation Man would do
An underwater: I don't think he'd steal, though. He'd leave money in place of the underwear.
rachmarieg: because he's refined and polite like that
An underwater: totally
rachmarieg: and if you caught him, he'd be all flustered british man about it
rachmarieg: "so sorry, my lady, so sorry"
rachmarieg: tripping as he tries to leave the room
An underwater: heh, exactly. He's be properly shamed.
An underwater: he'd
rachmarieg: i can totally see him with a pair of undies in one hand, and a glass of brandy in the other
rachmarieg: like "good times, good times"
rachmarieg: surrounded by shelves of porn
An underwater: hee!
An underwater: I love that visual.
rachmarieg: like, that's what life is about to him
rachmarieg: hee
rachmarieg: instead of "a jug of wine, a loaf of bread and thou" or whatever it is
rachmarieg: it's "a pair of panties, some porn, and brandy"
rachmarieg: oh, and a pipe
rachmarieg: of course
An underwater: hee, he smokes a pipe? or just has one?
rachmarieg: he totally smokes it
rachmarieg: but only during certain tiems of day
rachmarieg: he puts on his dressing jacket or whatever they're called, sits in his plush, leather chair, smokes a pipe in front of the fire
rachmarieg: with the talking dog
rachmarieg: and his one, long nail
rachmarieg: heeee
An underwater: you've given this entirely too much thought.
An underwater: hee
rachmarieg: hee
rachmarieg: of course, he also dresses up in his mother's dresses. but that's another story
An underwater: heh, right. that's an issue apart from the porn.
rachmarieg: i think he sings musicals, while dressed up like a woman
rachmarieg: in falsetto
An underwater: ooh, which ones?
An underwater: cabaret?
rachmarieg: sure
rachmarieg: i'm no expert at musicals
An underwater: heh, you're like "whatever."
rachmarieg: something involving young girls, happy or whatever. hee. or something dramatic
rachmarieg: so he can pretend to cry, while holding his handkerchief
An underwater: aww

Ha! We are so insane.