rachg82

I'm having a hard day, guys. It's okay, but this is just a pre-emptive disclaimer of sorts. I feel a little bad about posting such heavy stuff so soon after new friends came along, like there should've been a warming-up period or something (heh), but what you see is pretty much what you get here (and that's something I like about my journal. It's honest & it doesn't beat around the bush). I know I don't have to apologize for having emotions, of course, especially since it's not like I don't also have my fun & superficial posts, but yeah. Occasionally I do get that "maybe I should hold back more" impulse. Then I tell it to frak off & write another novel-length post or two. (As one does.)

I also need to say ahead of time that I'm feeling particularly sensitive & triggered by a few things today, so I kind of need this entry to be a safe space for me. In other words, I just need to talk about some stuff on an emotional level & not worry about anyone pointing out logical errors in my thinking or anything else. I already know there's logical errors; emotions are, as we've already established, STUPID. But, as keenai says, they must be dealt with. Plus you guys know my default state is set to "overthink everything--don't miss a thing!" 24/7 anyway, so it's not like any of these emotions will somehow NOT get filtered through a rational lens of obsessive perfection on my own. That's the whole reason I need to make a point of feeling my feelings with no "but, Rachael, I think that's unfair/wrong/untrue to say" type feedback. Trust me, my brain will take care of that for you. Just let me get this all out, okay?

All right, with that all being said, I've got a few things I'll be rambling about:

-Bones (i.e. the episode last night)
-my stepdad
-my mom's wasted life
-me being a weirdo & how it sometimes makes me sad

As a heads-up, this might be triggery for others too. So it's okay to skip if needed.

P.S. Random, I know, but there's also going to be some pictures in here too. For anyone wondering what my mom looked like at nineteen, now's your chance! (heh)

( The feeling as though you never belong )

Thanks for anyone who actually read any of that. I do apologize for knowing so many words. Heh.

For my Vid of the Day, I'd like to post a song that always cheers me up when I'm feeling like a freak. It says everything I couldn't say above:

I'm so bored I feel like I need a survey to fill out or something. Why isn't there more fanfic for Bones being written? I suppose I could write some, but meh. I'm tired. (DAMN ENNUI.)

I just feel like sleeping. And then sleeping some more. And after that? Perhaps a nap.

In my defense, my sinuses & right ear hurt. I'm not sure if it's allergies (I have hay fever & my body basically hates me year-round) or an actual cold, or what, but still. Can that be my excuse?

Of course my jaw also hurts. I REALLY need to remember to wear my bite guard at night. TMJ, stupid! You grind your teeth! Stop acting like you don't know this!

Okay, I'm done complaining now. Promise.

To (temporarily) cure my boredom, let's be narcissistic and talk about ourselves, shall we? I love personality tests, and softly_me talked about this first, so she started it. We can blame her.

Now, before we begin, join in on the fun & see which type you are.

Since I apparently like to be complicated, I remember getting INFJ a couple times when I was younger (like, teenager/early twenties-younger); however, since I've gotten older I always get INTJ every time I take it, no matter when & no matter where. At least the I-N-J are all consistent. Heh. To be real though, it's not actually surprising to me. For one, INTJ describes me *really* well, in a lot of ways (I laughed while reading most of it. Heh. SO accurate). And where it lacks, INFJ pops in--describing the parts of my heart that ARE there (that my trusted friends see), the things I do care about, the way I choose specific people to confide in, and the fact that I naturally am drawn towards writing, etc. I think, in the end, I'm a funky-ass hybrid mix of the two.

In other words: God help me & those I associate with. Haha.

Except I totally agree with & am proud of the fact that it said my relationships are characterized by consistency, communication, directness, and my ability to "work at" them. That is absolutely true. I may not have a million people in my life, but those I do keep? I take very seriously.

Anyhoo, moving on: I have another song-that-needs-to-be-a-fanvid for you guys. Of course none of these will probably ever be made into vids, but PISH POSH. No matter. Consider it like a really slow-going WIP fanmix. Ha. Aaand to make things even more interesting this time, I'm not even gonna tell you which pairing it's for/whose pov it's meant to be from. I wanna see who can guess correctly. Get to it!.

Lastly, it looks like my subconscious isn't done torturing me yet. I hope you all don't mind me talking about it here. If you do, just skip it. ( My brain doesn't think Europeans can drive )

I think I'm gonna spend a few hours now watching TV, but what to watch? I'm feeling a strange & utter random urge to watch Sex & the City. I think it's *just* light & fluffy enough to fit the bill. I need something cracky right now.

For my Vid of the Day though, I'm gonna go with something totally different. Remember when I used to talk about Dollhouse on here all the time? Let's bring it back for a moment. THEY MADE THEIR OWN FANVID FOR IT, Y'ALL. How have I never seen this before?!

All right, my lovely peeps, it's January. You know what that means:

#1: I'll be turning 29 this month (oh my Gods), and

#2: Time for everyone's favorite misty-water colored memories-filled ramblethon o' Jesus Christ-"how in the world do you have time to compile this"-ness, a.k.a. My Annual Year In Review Post.

P.S. as for how I have time? A. I have no life. B. I'm like Cher in Clueless. I love projects.

For those of you just tuning in, this post consists of excerpts from various entries throughout the year. Considering how verbose I am at times, you can imagine the work it took to get this down to one entry. I started with five. No, I'm not kidding. I actually got the "bitch, this entry's too big" error message at one point. I didn't even know such a thing existed. FOR THE WIN. Haha.

Obviously, with all the angst & drama this year, there's some darkness here (i.e. obvious trigger warning). I did, however, cut A LOT out (plenty of family stuff, for instance) because there really just wasn't room. Fortunately, that allowed me to include mucho amounts of fun memories as well, which was important to me as I wanted to keep this thing balanced. 2010 was *not* only about pain. It was also about friends, funny work quotes, fangirl flailing, and so on. Looking back, amidst the depression, I really do have so many fond memories of this year as well, and I want to make sure I have an easy way to remember them. This review will help me do that. It will also help me remember what I survived, because as you all know, I barely made it. But I DID make it. And I'm still here. No one can ever take that away from me. And I want you all to know how much of that is thanks to the support & friendship I received here.

So, this is for you guys. I love you all.

( Whether you fall means nothing at all. It's whether you get up )

1. dradiscontact and I are still rockin' our Fangirl Festivus celebrations. We've now polished off the Christmas episodes of My So-Called Life, Community, Bones, and The X-Files; consumed a mass quantity of XF eps in general; finished off Firefly (minus the movie--that will come later this week); and watched more National Geographic documentaries than is probably healthy for either of us. I know how to make fried jelly sandwiches now. Did I mention they come with powdered sugar on top? LIFE IS GOOD.

2. I took Coda to Saturday Market & Voodoo Donuts this weekend, which was fun--albeit rainy. I let her know that was her first initiation rite to Portland, though. (the standing in the rain, that is, since Voodoo Donuts had a line wrapped around the building) We've been chillaxing since--as hinted at above--but the next plan will probably include either the Chinese/Japanese/Rose Gardens, exploring other sections of Portland like the Hawthorne district etc, or taking a tour of the Shanghai Tunnels. We'll see. I wish we had a car so we could do more, like go to the beach or Mt. St. Helens etc, but what can ya do.

3. I finally applied for a few jobs online & even wrote down the info for a few more, which I can apply for at the employment office in person. The entire job-finding/searching process still stresses me out enormously, but hey. At least I did something.

4. Speaking of stress, I'm really glad to not be alone this week. As it is, I started crying when I went online to buy my nephew & niece a Christmas gift. It helped to have someone here with me. For one, I don't have the money to buy them separate gifts. Not the kind I usually would anyway, once you include shipping. Number two, the gift I did buy? Wasn't anything expensive. Number three? I won't be there to give it to them & I don't know how they'll feel about that or what's being said to them about it. It's just really, really hard. But as Coda pointed out to me, I can send them more things later. That helps a little. UGH, HOLIDAYS. They take your pain & just exponentially multiply it.

To be real, though, the whole "stay alive until at least the end of the year" thing? A lot easier when I'm being distracted by company/playing hostess. This is very, very good timing and I'm grateful.

( For funsies, I'll also share a few pics I've taken of our hijinks this week. )

5. Re: Firefly, btw? So far (again, minus the movie), I thought it was great. River is totes my fave, but I expected that so it wasn't really a surprise. Best be believin' there'll be icons on the way. I want one of her hugging that coffin, not to mention her with that twig/gun. She is frakking epic.

My Vid of the Day is by one of my fave vidders out there: blimvisible. All her vids are worth watching, even if you don't watch the shows in question. This vid is partially what got me more interested in Firefly, for instance. And that's coming from someone who'd already watched (and loved) every other Joss Whedon show anyway, but who for some reason just wasn't sure about the whole "cowboys in space" theme. Words: I gladly eat them.

I am so tempted to call it a day. My brain is totes not having it though, as it's like "GO. YOU. WRITE FANFIC NOW." But then my body is like, "Bitch, you are TIRED. GO TO BED." I think I need a referee.

I have to say though, I'm pleased with how it's going so far. Of course it's taking forever, but that's not a surprise. When I used to write research papers, there really wouldn't be such a thing as a "rough" draft with me. Just an outline and then the finished product, meticulously written & edited & re-edited & rewritten a hundred times as I went along. OCD like a mofo. So, I have no idea when this will be done, but I do know it's progressing along easily and I'm really, really enjoying the process.

~I heart projects!~[/Cher from Clueless]

What I do not heart, however, is my new desk at work. It is a sucking suckfest. People walk by constantly, and I feel like I have no privacy. On the upside, my coworker and I decided it would be okay if I set up a tripwire (with some pillows for them to land on, of course. I'm nice like that) and hung up a giant sign above it that just read, "GO THE OTHER WAY NEXT TIME."

In other news, I have no money to my name until Friday. Zilch. Nada. Little bit of food to get me by & a bus pass, yes, but no money. It's my fault (I'm a temp, so if I miss work it goes unpaid. And the paycheck I deposited tonight won't be available until Friday because tomorrow is a holiday), so I'm not complaining, but yes. I'm used to having a safety net of at least a thousand dollars at all times, so this is a live-and-learn lesson. Unemployment + missing work at a new job = broke ass broke-itude. It's not okay to me, even if I know I can survive it, because safety nets are important. If something were to happen, it's irresponsible not to have money set aside in an emergency fund. Going forward, taking care of my physical & mental health to ensure I don't miss work (at least not excessively, I mean)--and then saving up money for that safety net--is going to be one of my top priorities again.

Otherwise, that's pretty much it for today except to add that my sister had to face Lance in court this week (not to testify, thank God) and he's possibly facing up to a year in jail for felony assault. The judge denied the option of letting him take anger management classes etc due to his previous history of abuse, to which my immediate response was basically a "CAN I GET AN AMEN? ENJOY THE JUMPSUIT, FUCKER."

I seriously just want him to go away. I don't want him around my nephew, whom he's an asshole to, and I don't want to have to worry about him coming after my sister. So I will probably throw confetti in the air if he gets that sentence. Still, the whole thing does suck, and I wish Jayden and Isabella had a good father. There's no "win" in this for them, no matter what happens. Either he stays out of jail and they still have a father who beat their mother in front of them--something that could totally happen again--or they lose their father for a year, which will be sad for them because they do love him. So no matter how you slice it, they get the short end of the stick. What I care about though is what's best for them. I also care that douchebags who beat women don't stroll around town thinking they're hot shit & acting like they're gonna get away with it. Might I add too that he's in the process of trying to send away for a Cambodian bride? I'M NOT KIDDING.

Bottom line: after this all went down, Jayden told my sister he wished she hadn't called the police. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not what you think," and told her it was because it made him afraid he'd hurt her worse the next time.

THIS. This is why the bastard needs to go to jail.

On a more positive note, she did tell me she left a message with some domestic violence people about counseling, which is HUGE. She also said she'd like to take Jayden, which I really, really hope she follows through on.

Wrapping this up with a Vid of the Day (this time by tinkonbrink), let's let Bones cheer us up, y/y?

I hope once my period ends I feel better, but I'm still not doing very well over here. Yesterday all I ate was cereal; today all I had was a burrito. I just don't have much of an appetite. My head hurts, my acid reflux is somehow still bad, and I don't care anyway. I found out antacids make iron absorption more difficult too. That's just. . .great. I'm glad my doctor made me aware of that. Except she didn't. It's also nice when they see the weight I've lost, their only reaction is a thumbs up & "way to go!" even when I mention some of it is in reaction to the stomach pain I've had and not being able to eat properly. I can even tell them, "some of that may be vomiting" (case in point: in the last three weeks, I've vomited on three separate days) and they just brush it off. No big deal, it's just stress. Oh, what's that? You're anemic now? Whatever, take some iron! And then more antacids! Now here's your bill, person with no health insurance, go away.

I desperately need something to get excited over. Even just the fall TV season would do. A new job falling into my lap. (yeah, that's likely) Something to snap me out of this. As for right now, ( this is how I'm feeling )

For my Vid of the Day, I feel like sharing a song that's an old favorite of mine from way back. I was basically obsessed with this song & vid at 13/14 years old, to the point where I'd watch The Box (a cable music channel my grandma had) for hours hoping they'd reair it so I could record it. It's just as beautiful & affecting today as it was in the '90s, and very appropriate to this entry. It's a shame we don't get to see music vids like this anymore. (or, if we do, I don't know about them)

Some of you already know this, but for the rest: I'm now unemployed. Or FUNemployed as I've decided to call it. This year has now reached epic proportions of win and I'm currently just waiting for the plague of locusts, basically.

Since this year began I went from loving my job to completely hating it, and in a weird way I suppose it's a favor. I wanted to quit but couldn't because I knew if I did I wouldn't be able to file for unemployment benefits, and also knew it would be a horrible move because of how bad the job market is. On the other hand, it was also extremely difficult to motivate myself to look for work while in the midst of already working full-time.

Meanwhile my contract at Xerox ended as of July 31st and initially my manager was going to temporarily extend it until the end of August while he "decided what to do next", i.e. whether to keep me as a Xerox temp (whoop-dee-do, same pay & still no benefits. What a great thank you for the hundreds of thousands of dollars in sales I've earned you! And no, that's not an exaggeration. I've never added up the exact total, but I remember in the summer of '08 alone I brought in a quarter of a million dollars. And yet? STILL A FUCKING TEMP), but today he decided to just end it as I missed on Friday and missed again today. Friday as you all know happened because of Barfapalooza. Today? I'll flat-out admit was simply due to feeling vaguely crappy from my period. I could've gone, but didn't. I was tired, headache-y, nauseated, & crampy. And I just couldn't drag myself in knowing full-well I probably wasn't going to be there after this month anyway, not hating that job like I do now. It went from being a place where people were able to get good bonuses and enjoy working together to a place where everyone is micro-managed, overworked, and suddenly you're not a sales rep anymore but a collections agent. It's not what I signed up for, especially since when I started it was supposed to be a temp-to-hire position. I cut them slack on that for a long time due to the recession & the hiring freeze, but once they started acting like d-bags to us on top of everything else I just couldn't take it anymore. A job with that much stress & hard work deserves to be permanent & have benefits. It's simply not worth it otherwise.

As it was, about five minutes after I got the phone call from my temp agency, I got a message on facebook from one of my coworkers letting me know she'll be a reference for me. I thought that was sweet. She also let me know another coworker's last day is Friday and he's going to go work for Comcast, and she plans to leave soon too. Considering yet another coworker just left a couple weeks ago (we're talking a team that started with like a dozen people and already lost Justin a couple months back), I predict an exodus on the horizon. It's kind of funny too because Justin and I and the guy whose last day is Friday all sat in the same corner with that girl, and since Justin's cube still hadn't been filled, she's going to be sitting over there in a ghost-town.

I'm kind of peeved my manager didn't even have the guts to tell me I was axed directly too. Whatever. Plus the lady from the temp agency was completely fake-nice/mean & condescending. "I don't know if we'll have anything else for you. . ." "So what you're saying is. . .you won't?" "Yeahhh, probably not." THEN JUST SAY THAT & DON'T PUSSYFOOT AROUND. Argh.

Despite the fact that I sound so okay about it though, I'm also kind of not. It's complicated. I've never felt so many mixed emotions in my life as I have this year. It's enough to make you feel crazy. Like, "how can I feel so unbelievably sad & hopeful at the same time? Am I nuts?" Seriously. But I know I'm not. It's not like I'm in a manic mixed state like my mom would go into (*edited to add: I feel I should proactivately clarify I don't mean to use the term "nuts" in a derogatory manner there. I have a weird relationship with that word & also with "crazy." But that's a topic for a whole 'nother entry). I'm just human, experiencing more than one emotion at the same time, but am not used to feeling my feelings and not suppressing them or compartmentalizing them. Allowing them to coexist is difficult. I do know however that I am depressed. Of course my period is NOT helping. Nor are the events of the past year. I tried tonight just watching some tv-comfort food--Bones & My So-Called Life--and then listened to some classical music & took a nap, but in the end what I needed the most was to write my emotions down on paper, free-form style. I haven't done that in years.

Since my journal has a history of being pretty open over the years--I don't hide a whole heck of a lot--I'm going to post what I wrote here. I didn't write it with the intention of anyone else seeing it, but it makes me feel less lonely not to keep it to myself. No one has to read it unless they want to though. It's mostly just for me. But at the same time, it's a lot more fully naked & honest than I've been in quite a while, I have to admit.

( sunlight on a broken column )

I don't know what this will mean for my counselor, whether I'll be able to afford her or pay her less or what. I'm not thinking about that right now. Right now I'm just thinking about getting unemployment, trying to get food stamps (I am broke as HELL), going to an Al-Anon meeting this weekend, throwing out that birthday bag tomorrow and probably sobbing after I do so, and most likely spending some time cleaning tomorrow. I honestly think I need to do that before I can even get my head in the right place to start looking for work. I'm a little overwhelmed right now, to tell you guys the truth. I know I'll be all right though. Okay, so I don't KNOW that, but I'm going to just say that.

Because I'm feeling hormonal & emo, and because it's uber-appropriate to how I've often felt this year, my Vid of the Day today comes in the form of one of my favorite songs:

So, I have a question for you all: spending an entire evening watching youtube vids is totally a valuable use of one's time, right? I sure hope so because that's what I just finished doing. Heh. Oh hi there internet addiction, how are you today?

But honestly, after picking out a birthday gift for my nephew online (I bought him a telescope) & knowing I won't be there to see him open it, I sort of needed the distraction. With that in mind I think it's justified. Wouldn't you all agree?

(I'm just gonna assume you're all obediantly nodding right now)

And because I love you all so much, I'll even share a few of the vids I watched. Obviously, I found many more than this, but I'm going to save the rest for future Vids of the Day so as not to spam everyone. I found some really, REALLY good shit though, so trust me it's taking all my will power not to. Heh.

To narrow things down, I'll do the top 3 vids that gave me joy tonight.

( Click here for X-Files, BSG, and Bear McCreary goodness )

Hola, amigas. And welcome to my new friends! Enjoy your stay; refreshments are to your left.

I believe I owe you all some pictures, yes? Well, get ready, get set, 'cause I'm about to deliver.

I actually have pics for both my walk through the Forest o' Purty & my High School reunion, but for now I'll just post my forest pics as I took those first & I don't want to post too many pics all in one entry. The reunion pics will follow this weekend.

And for those of you just joining us, here's the background on the Forest o' Purty: I live by the Tualatin river in Oregon and some lovely wooded trails (which I can't help but think of as "jaunty woodland trails," thanks to this video, which, P.S., best interview ever, haha. I ♥ you, Lauren Graham), and lately I've basically fallen in love with them, going on 1-2 hour walks and coming thisclose to hugging trees and having cartoon birds land on my fingertip as I sing about the colors of the wind. It's a thing.

On one of said recent tree-hugging excursions, I brought along my camera & took pictures like the giant dork that I am. Which btw totally caused people to stare at me like a tourist, ha. Think of it as a ~Day in the Life of Rachael.~ Like so:

( Come join me for a walk )

That's it for tonight though as I need to get to bed. I'll try to get the rest of the reunion pics up in the next few days, and talk more about how it went and how seeing my uncle was last Sunday too. And, *fingers crossed*, I may even have time this weekend to do a tv recap post of some kind. I know, I know, I just saw a pig fly by as well. It's not just you.

For my Vid of the Day, I think we need some crack up in here. Who's in the mood for some Laura/Lee/Baltar/Bill shipping shenanigans, courtesy of vidder sparky4ever? I know I am.

My head is throbbing at the moment & has been all day (turns out even Topamax can't stop the mighty powers of sudden temperature changes + period funtimes), so that's why no Bones review yet or XF Rewatch post today. Sorry, guys. I promise I'll get to them soon though.

I did want to just drop in real quick though to post about a few things before I get to bed:

1. My spam folder is bus-ayyyy this week. One email from my mom snuck through the gates and made it into my inbox today and I deleted it before looking at it, and then I noticed my spam folder receive two more emails within just a few hours (which is what's been happening all week. I just keep emptying it everytime I open it), and I finally gave into my curiosity and looked at them. Yes, I know I shouldn't have. But I just couldn't stand not knowing what at least a couple of them said. Now that I know, I'm back to ignoring them. But I just can't resist sharing a few choice excerpts here so I can record them for posterity. If I ever end up writing that memoir, quotes are totally getting included, because this shit is just gold.

( What is tough love? Evil, that is what it is! )

2. I bought a card tonight at the store and am thinking of sending it to my sister with a note and a drawing for my nephew. I've already really said all there is to say to her, but I do feel like it might be worth writing down, as sometimes letters get through to people in a different way. And if anything, then my nephew will have something from me (the picture). I just want him to know he can call me, and that I'm thinking of him, if my sister & I aren't talking. I have no idea yet what I'll say in the note to my sister though. I mean, I know how I feel, I just don't know how in-depth I want to get as I feel like I already explained myself once, but she's acting like she doesn't understand, and I don't know if that's really true or if she's just in denial. So I don't know whether I just need to be brief in my note to her & address what I want her to tell Jayden for me, or whether it's worth explaining my position to her again, or what. I just don't know.

3. I thought more today about my ideas for taking a class, etc. I wrote down a few ideas, and I do think I want to look into it. Today I didn't take any action on it though, because I was all migraine-y and didn't do much more than talking on the phone with an old coworker (the one I was going to go to a movie with. She called & we ended up just talking on the phone for about an hour instead. We decided to put the movie off for another week), watching X-Files DVDs, and wishing I could get a head transplant. But hey, at least I made a list! Heh. So I'll look into the ideas I had later and we'll see which one ends up being affordable and convenient on the bus, etc. And hopefully I can make one of them work.

That's all for tonight, because I need to get to bed. No vid of the day this time, because see above, re: needing to get to bed. Heh.