rachg82

*points to subject heading*

SNEAK PEEK AT MY NEW FIC (and what).

Also, I am a tease. In other words: that line is just a random snippet from the new fic (not even the title), I like it, and it applies to my life right now as well; ergo, it fits. Plus I'm not done with the whole shibang yet, but the section I've written so far basically could be its own dealio & I sort of want to just post it already (but I'm not gonna, which you all should be grateful for as it means ending on a less angsty note, most likely) so this is my compromise. I'm a complicated individual like that.

P.S. It's also possible I've already started writing down songs for my next Fanfic Soundtrack, which I will totally be posting immediately after the silly thing is finished. Haha. I HAVE A PROBLEM & I MUST BE STOPPED.

(pssst: sneak peek at that<--I love that song)

Moving on: welcome to divine_katie! Now that we are friends here too, you are extra special! To everyone else, you sort of already know Katie, as I've mentioned her once or twice, re: our wacky & deranged Facebook convos. Ohhh, if she only knew what she was getting herself into, friending me here. SO MANY WORDS. SO, SO MANY LONGWINDED WORDS.

In other news: I went to my ACA meeting tonight. ( It went really well. )

Lastly, here are my plans for the next three days. Muy exciting:

-tomorrow, I will take a walk and then I'm going bowling with my anxiety/depression meetup group.
-Wednesday, I am going to the beach with 5brokenfingers (yaaaaaay), and possibly looking for work, if I have time. If not, I will do it on Friday, which is my free day.
-Thursday, I will finish my fic (yeah, right) & prepare for Bones. Or, as I like to call it: BOOOOOOOOOOOONES.

Continuing our (inter)National BSG Appreciation Week with a Vid of the Day, here's a lovely piece of ep-centric angst to stab you in the face by Adalla001 (those who'd like can refresh their memory of the ep by taking a trip on the wayback machine with my ole flaily recap/review. What fun!). A huge amount of my writerly mojo comes from listening to music, and this fic especially will owe many thanks to Bear McCreary & the BSG soundtracks (especially Passacaglia/The Shape of Things to Come. elaihgoiahogigh. You guys know how I feel about that song.) This vid not only uses music exclusively from said soundtracks, making it by default worth listening to at the very least, but it also does a unique job of editing frames together in time to the music in such a way as to make you really stop & *look* at each character, and think about them (especially Dee. God, my heart). And considering the entire thing is devoted to "Sometimes a Great Notion"--one of my favorite episodes (one of those I came to appreciate more & more with each subsequent rewatch, much like "Unfinished Business"), and one of the MOST FANTASTICALLY BLEAK THINGS EVER (haha, you know it's true!)--that's a very good choice for forcing the viewer to really focus on the characers for once, rather than just flitting from image to image via moving video. And I usually *don't* like slideshow format either, but this one is well-done, probably mostly because any shot one takes from this ep is automatically gorgeous anyway. So, yes. It makes the grade for me. Watch it.

Popping back in to announce to the world sumpta's supreme awesomeness (*edited to add: especially since now it's her birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BB! ♥). I just came back from my mailbox with a giant box of chocolate (from her, obviously). And when I say a "giant box", I mean a giant freaking BOX, filled to the brim with little bits of Belgian heaven. Truffles, people. My favorite. And things I can't pronounce. Wrappers with little blonde boys on the front that look like 1960s commercials (there's even a wholesome glass of milk on the front! He's so happy about calcium!). I opened the lid & I swear this animation was playing inside:



. . .okay, not really. Haha. Also, that's not even from Belgium.

BUT YOU GET MY POINT. IT'S CHARMING & DELICIOUS & TOTALLY NOT AMERICAN. I want to eat it up. And will, literally.

So, yes. One thousand points of win to sumpta. (though it's not like I didn't know this care package o' deliciousness was on its way, heh. But that made it even sweeter, because she actually messaged me beforehand, just to ask if it was "okay", due to my eating issues as of late--so thoughtful!). Especially too since she included a card that she translated as saying a woman's best years are between 29 & 59. And I'm turning 29 this month! I LOVE YOU, BB.

It definitely turned this day around for me, which is good because it was one of those "I want to punch the whole world in the face" days. Like a Bill Burr comedy routine--bitter, angry, & depressed (except unfortunately not as funny as his material). You know what those are like. "I'm sorry, I can't get out of bed today. People are too annoying. I prefer staring at the darkness." (I could talk more about it, but I just really don't want to right now. Maybe later)

But at least I dragged myself back up eventually, got food, and even got a prezzie too. I kind of feel like it was almost a reward for ending my pouty party. Now, I'm gonna go watch TV for a while since I'm wide awake & let myself chillax. Lights on this time.

Before I do though, here's a cheerier Vid of the Day to offset the sadness of my earlier entry. Not because it wasn't important (or merited, for that matter), but because life goes on. I love these guys.

We're getting closer to the end of the year, folks, and you know what that means--a hot mess of retrospective entries full o' nothing but time-wastin' tomfoolery. I just can't help myself, what can I say? I love this kind of stuff.

I'll probably do another "Best of" TV post again, similar to last year's, except obviously this time without it being dedicated to an entire decade, but we'll see. I'll need to do some vid-hunting first, if so. The usuals will be bound to pop up (XF, BSG, Bones, Buffy, etc), but there'll probably be a few new ones this year too: Dollhouse, Southland, Parenthood, Firefly, Caprica, Parks & Recreation, Modern Family, Vanguard, Infomania, etc.

I may even put together a personal photo collage of some kind, though I'm still debating whether that should simply be included within the Year in Review, amidst quotes. That may make the review too long though, especially if I get indecisive about which pics to post, so I think I like the idea of a separate entry for that. Looking at them all put together, whether it be in a literal collage or just a select few posted in a row, should make for a good walk down memory lane.

Today, what I'd like to do is create a giant little soundtrack to bid 2010 adieu. As with the fanfic soundtrack I did a while back, this will be chock-full of songs, so look at it as something you can come back to if you want, and/or a nice thing to kick back with & unwind to when you have a few hours to spare & nothing to do. Everyone loves music, right? And you know I always embed YouTube vids, 'cause I fully support lazyness like that. (who wants to make people download shit & open multiple tabs? So annoying)

( Like to hear it, here it goes )

Obviously, with all those songs, this entry doesn't really need a Vid of the Day, but I'm going to be sneaky & include one anyway since this one fits. Behold, my favorite vid of the year:

There is heat & freezing, be a testament.

My scale has randomly stopped working. ( cut for talk of weight issues )

I keep having the most vivid dreams lately. Last night, I dreamt I was in a room with an African civet cat, except for some reason it was all black like a panther or jaguar (which is sort of strangely noteworthy, based on my spirit animal supposedly being either of those. Remember that shaman-led meditation thingie from my women's studies class back in the day? Wacky goodtimes). I got too close to it & it attacked me. 5brokenfingers was suddenly there (way to hijack my subconscious, Dani!) & was all "Oh, I love civet cats! The trick is to leave them alone. Just let it be." So I spent the rest of the time sort of just waltzing around it, shadowing its movements all Tai Chi-style, and it worked. It was still clearly a wild animal, but y'know, no more claws up in my grill, so that was cool.

The symbolism is pretty obvious. Sometimes, you've got to coexist with your emotions (i.e. let them do their thing vs. try to grab onto/control them)--even when they feel wild--or they will frak you up all the more. Also: don't piss off a metaphorical spirit animal. It will shrink itself into a civet cat and attack your face.

It's hard for me, I admit. ( Three big reasons )

Seeing as I need to start bustin' a move on cleaning & what-not (before dradiscontact arrives on Thursday), I figured I'd just share the rest of the poetry I found now, in one fell swoop. It's only a few anyway. ( Buckle in, folks. We're goin' on a ride down Poetry Lane. )

For my Vid of the Day, I'm gonna share an old hip-hop fave of mine. One of the reasons I'm drawn to rap so much is because it so often is all about suffering and perseverance. It represents the underdog, the survivor, the imperfect fighter who just wants to be HAPPY & is still a little touchy & defensive from a lifetime of pain. It's no coincidence that they rap about death so much--half the time, I believe a lot of them *wish* they were dead (Biggie does after all have a song titled Suicidal Thoughts. Hello). Between my upbringing, with my own history of depression & being surrounded by insanity & addiction, and some of the kids I knew growing up, I can relate, despite not coming even remotely close to growing up in the projects. (my childhood influences were random, income-wise. My dad had money, my grandparents had money, and I lived in an apartment that was decent enough because of child support. But I had friends in my same complex on welfare and government food while also having friends up the road who owned their own man-made lakes. RANDOM. When my bf Kim--the heroin-addicted one--moved to the east side, I became friends with her friend Sara, who was in the 13 street gang--she wasn't hispanic, but she was Sioux Indian & that was close enough for that area--& who intentionally got pregnant at 14 so she could ease out of the lifestyle without being killed, and so she could "have someone to love [her]." Bear in mind this was after knowing another girl at twelve who was pregnant for her third time--she'd already had one miscarriage & an abortion--with her 19 yr old boyfriend, and her mom didn't even care. So, yes. I was exposed to a lot, despite living in the 'burbs. Pop music sometimes just doesn't cut it. After knowing girls like that, you understand that Brenda's Got a Baby isn't exaggerating.

Anyway, enough blathering. On with the song.

1. The use of this icon is mostly random (there's always a logic to everything I do, but explaining it can sometimes be like following Alice down the rabbit-hole), yet it is really, REALLY making me want to rewatch "Redux II." Oh, Moose & Squirrel. JUST LOOK AT YOU TWO.

2. I have new fwends (misspelled on purpose, mmkay). Welcome! Enjoy my crazy; there's plenty to go around. A quick look through my tags will show you that real fast. (Who else makes picspams like this and debates shipper pairings like this? I. . .have issues, haha.)

3. I was considering once again just going off the Topamax for my migraines because one of its side effects is suppressing the appetite--and hi, like I need the added assistance right now--but then I got a bunch of extra gnarly worse-than-usual/all-day migraines in response to lowering the dose and was like, "uhh, yeahhhhh. HOW ABOUT NOT." Now I'm adjusting to raising the dose back up all over again and keep typing the wrong words by mistake. WTF, brain. Just because you're taking anti-epilepsy medication despite not having epilepsy. Stop acting like that's ~weird~. Big baby.

4. I re-named my journal, just for those of you who haven't noticed yet. "We don't need no hateration in this dancery." Hee. I figured I quote it enough, what the Hell. Hearts forever to anyone who knows what song it's from.

5. huh920, you asked me to give you a reminder to talk to me about Bones in my next entry, so here you go, m'lady. (and ooooh, "m'lady." Don't you feel special?) LET'S GET CRACKA-LACKIN'. Or however that's spelled.<--*is simply a cracka' that's lackin'*

6. I didn't end up getting my BSG rewatch on this weekend (worked on my Bones fic instead), but this video is giving me an incredible craving for it now. I have too many shows in my life, seriously. But for real, THIS. This is why they won my Shipper Showdown, yo. "I like it so much I don't want it to be over. . ." Ahhh. Don't they know I can't take it when they bring up the books? (he carries her baaaaag, for the love of--THEY'RE SO SWEET. *passes out*)

7. It's been decided I should only leave the house when adorned (ooh la la, it's all the rage right now in Milan) by a padded sumo outfit, seeing as I almost got hit by a car again today. I say "again" because it's not exactly a rare occurrence in my life, you see. I'm a bit absent-minded professor-y & could probably benefit from a companion dog to be like, "WOOF, BITCH. STOP AT THE INTERSECTION. THAT THERE IS A SEMI TRUCK." This time my near-death experience involved a kind samaritan honking just in time for me to look up & see a car coming at me in the middle of the crosswalk. Good times. Except not really. It's a good thing random strangers apparently watch me as I walk, even though drivers who are about to plow into me can't manage it. As one friend on facebook observed, thank God I don't have a cellphone. Also? Thank God I don't drive.

P.S. We also decided (still on facebook, obv) that the sumo-suits should be passed around so that a YouTube flashmob can ensue. Y'know, as one does.

8. Re: my mood icon, my stomach hurts. I'm not a fan. The whole reason I was out almost getting killed was because I was attempting to buy myself lunch--THANKS A LOT, LIFE. For what it's worth though, I did accomplish my goal & eat it (right after I figuratively nearly "ate it." *rimshot* Get it? Ahaha. . .ha. Er). I even got a cookie. Whoo, doggie. The cookie might've been what backfired though, I'm not sure. I just know I've had acid reflux all night, so I ended up skipping dinner. All that & still one meal for the day. Oy. At least I tried though, right? I think taking more walks again (or going for longer walks when I get food/go shopping, either way) will help too as it will give the anxiety a chance to calm down if I get panicky. I'm beginning to treat the whole situation--going out, going shopping, eating, all of it--as exposures, because it helps to look at it methodically like that for me, and I know it's easier to make progress with longer-lasting exposures than it is quick & intense ones.

9. I'm supposed to see my counselor tomorrow (technically, I was supposed to last week, but cancelled), and I don't want to. I know I need to, but really? I just want to put my emotions into a little box & send them away somewhere. I want to wake up with everything brand new & shiny & not have to talk about how bad I've let everything get. I'm walking such a fine line right now between "Everything's fine! No, really! I'm gonna fix all of this-- don't worry about me" and "Everything is really, really not fine. I think I might need help, but I'm not gonna ask for it." I just don't know anymore. Like I was trying to say the other day, I just feel so tired & inept. All I can do is keep going, keep trying.

10. I've been going crrrrazy (facetiously so) for Talib Kweli, Hi-Tek, and Mos Def the last few days. Long, Hot Summer, In the Red, Let it Go (I love unapologetically non-romantic break-up songs like this, haha. Reminds me of I'm Leaving You Because I Don't Love You by Jens Lekman), Just Begun, and Umi Says have all been playing on a pretty much non-stop 24/7 loop. I've loved them for years, don't get me wrong, but nghhh, nothing like rediscovering that love & coming across new songs at the same time.

Which is why my Vid of the Day today will also come to you by Mos Def. This song & video is deeply moving to me (much like "Umi Says"), not just on a historical/civil rights level, but personally as well. "Don't give up; don't give in." 'Nuff said.

So, some of you may be asking yourselves, "Self, what's the best form of distraction when your life both sucks & blows?" Well, I have the answer for you. Picspams, baby. Pervy, pervy picspams.

(and yes, I did just fit the words "sucks," "blows," & "pervy" all into one paragraph. *takes a bow*)

Now, it's just a small picspam, mind you. Probably doesn't even deserve the name. But I'm going to call it a picspam anyway because I can. Rebel without a cause over here, yo.

So without further delay, I hereby give you:

( Ten Pervtastic Reasons To Watch Battlestar Galactica (bow chica bow wow) )

As for why I needed a distraction tonight, that would be because I never heard back from my sister. ( cut for introspective rambling )

For the rest of the weekend, my plans are to attend an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night, and go to a street fair with a friend tomorrow afternoon. I think getting out & being around people will do me a world of good.

But enough rambling and let's wrap this bad boy up with a Vid of the Day, shall we? To continue the "cheer up, Emo McEmoface" theme above, here's an awesome vid that bibliodragon shared with me the other day when I was sad. There are about 20+ of these in the series and they are all fucking HILARIOUS. I stayed up for hours last night watching them plus the vidder's Star Wars parodies just effing *dying*. I wish this guy (or girl) had their own show, seriously. Even this morning I woke up & randomly thought of a few of the videos & started laughing all over again. ~Dear Gary the Cylon, plz be my BFF 4eva.~

And, finally, here's the third and final part of my Year In Review. I wish so much of my quotes weren't about negative things, but the past is the past. Some years are harder than others, and to be fair, the year was certainly not all bad. It's just kind of painful to look back at some of it. But you've got to try to learn from the past, even if it hurts, so you can have more hopes that the future will be better for it.

( Here's to hope )

New Years Past:

One Year Ago: I stayed home, not having anyone to go out with, and did my best to think positively about the future.

Two Years Ago: I was supposed to get together with my then iffy best friend Megan, but that afternoon--when she still hadn't even called me to discuss our plans--I called her, and she bailed on me. At that point, I couldn't really try to come up with new plans, so I stayed home, and felt very angry and depressed.

Three Years Ago: I spent the night at Megan's, with her friend Jen. We made cataloni, but neither of us really knew how to make it, so it was kind of an experiment. Heh. Jen insisted hot sauce would be a good addition; it wasn't. We had nothing to drink (alchohol-wise), but we stayed up till four in the morning, goofing around, watching old Brady Bunch cartoons and taking cheesy Teen Magazine quizzes.

Four Years Ago: Spent the night at my friend Maxine's. Watched movies, drank mimosa, and took a walk to the park nearby and played like little kids on the swings.

Five Years Ago: Also spent the night at Maxine's, doing much the same as the following year. Good times were had, overall.

( Fishy's list )