I'm experiencing a great deal of ennui. January is very underwhelming thus far, despite my efforts at hyping it up. You know I try. I am looking forward to new television (Parenthood & Southland both return tonight, people!), that's still true, but I'm not doing a terribly good job so far at pulling the whole "we're gonna make it after all!"-Mary Tyler Moore routine, hat up in the air, taking 2011 by storm. I'm back to eating once a day, though at least now I'm sometimes snacking in between (hey, progress. Give me a little credit. Like, right now? Two slices of cheese. ~Tada~), don't remember the last time I showered (that's bad, right?), am barely looking for work, and yeah. In the Bell Jar still, not gonna lie.
But I'm trying, and I suppose some would tell me to be less hard on myself for not accomplishing more at a faster pace, considering where I'm coming from (emotionally). Of course the depression isn't going to go away overnight. Of course behavior doesn't change overnight. New Years Eve is symbolic. Resolutions aren't magic, not when you're dealing with some serious obstacles.
Still, all I want to do is lie around in my pajamas all day, sit in front of my computer, & sleep. Walk up to the store? Um, why would I do that? IT'S COLD. Instead, I can sit here & plan a 1994 song soundtrack for my livejournal (dradiscontact
doubts the pwnage of that year. She needs to be educated). Or think about how #1 Crush
would make a perfect multi-fandom vid for Mulder/Scully, Booth/Brennan, & Adama/Roslin (IT SO WOULD). Or how Sober
would make a really kick-ass Kara vid. Or how someone with balls should make an atheist vid for Brennan (I can make several suggestions for this: Terrible Lie
, Dear God
--especially Dear God--or Heresy
<--would traumatize Booth). Or how I want to write a Booth/Hannah fic, solely to break them up. Haha. But not meanly! Just because. I have IDEAS, okay? But I also have ennui, and it is killing my mojo. Like I said before, I also had other fic ideas & none of those have been put into motion yet either.
No, instead I'm just sitting here. 'Cause, like, here's my ideas on one side, right? *sets them down* And here's my interest & motivation on the other, wayyyyyy far away. *sets them down too* See what I mean? They're there, but I. . .have. . .to. . .stretch
. And I'm le tired.
*collapses in weary heap*
. . .yeah.
This is me every time I so much as walk outside to get food: "Do I go to Taco Del Mar or Taco Bell? One is like one block away & the other is, like, five blocks away. My face is cold."
I still haven't taken a walk yet this year (I mean a jaunty woodland walk, not a "tacos ahoy!" walk). I used to walk for hours every couple days. GET WITH THE PROGRAM, SELF. Ugh. Fucking lazy.
Anyway. What was even the point of this entry? To beat myself up? I have no idea. I guess just to admit to the fact that I've become a sloth? Or that I still am one, which you guys already knew? (Which, by the way: Oh my God, watch this
. "Don't call us slow! Don't call us slooooow!" Hahahaha) Whatever. I think the first step in fixing this is simply getting up earlier in the day. At least today I got out of bed at 12:30, which if you'll believe it, is actually better than I've been doing. I know the dream of the '90s is alive in Portlandia and all, but seriously. I need to wake up in the morning. If I do, maybe I can actually motivate myself to DO things. Like, in addition to entertaining y'all, which--don't worry--will always be a priority. But I need to live a life too. Find work, eat, go outside when it's light sometimes, stuff like that.
Little by little, we'll get there. Right? Right. *tosses hat in the air*
Vid of the Day today is by Rhyess and is a great, quiet little character study of River. The song fits perfectly, which as you all know is muy importante to me, and that plus the editing lends it a great air of confusion; misfiring signals & overstimulation; a woman caged & yet full of power; inside her carrying a smart & once happy little girl who got robbed & lost along the way.<--all how I'd describe her character. Beautiful.