rachg82

This is for Amy Winehouse, who died at only 27 years old. It's for my mother, my father, my uncle Mark, my cousin Ashley, my good friend Kevin, my ex brother-in-law, and last but not least Kim -- my childhood best friend & would-be sister, whose friendship with me was torn apart after more than eight years because of heroin, pretty much right on my 17th birthday.

It's for all of them and many more.

This doesn't mean I'm more sad over one piece of news than another (my thoughts are with Norway today, that's all I can say), but this one hits home for me in a very personal way. I know it does for many of you as well.

Ugh, I have been fighting the same non-stop migraine for days now. So over it! I will say, despite the side effects of the topamax, and the fact that it didn't get rid of my daily headaches, it did help lower the frequency/severity of the Super Douchey ones I usually get right around my period. Sucks. I wish there was something similar to it that I could take, MINUS the side-effects. I already took Excedrin AND an Imitrex today, and it still hurts. WTF, brain, get it together. Jeez.

I'm a bit…IDK, meh, too. Okay, but sort of sad, tense, aware that it's a holiday I usually would've spent with my sister & her kids prior to last year, aware that my nephew's birthday is this Thursday, aware that if my uncle were still alive I might've gone over there today, wanting to go to another meeting tonight but unable to unless I take a cab home (holiday bus schedules), and yeah. Stuff like that. Plus I ran out of my anti-depressant on Friday & didn't take the time to pick up a refill on Saturday, so that's probably adding a bit of wonkyness. The pharmacy is closed today though (as it was yesterday), so there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to wait.

I'll probably go lie back down for a while--hopefully that'll help the headache. I've got my TV turned to HLN though, and I'm paranoid to turn away from it because I want to see the live coverage of the verdict if it comes in today (for the Casey Anthony trial). Heh. So obsessed at this point, seriously. I'm still disappointed I missed so much of the closing arguments.

While I'm being whiny though, one more thing: my neighbor's dog? WILL NOT STOP BARKING. Like, for days now. OMG, rage.

Okay, that's all. If I start feeling better, I might update again later, but we'll see.

For my VotD, enjoy some appropriately patriotic singing:



ETA: Okay, my day just got 10x better. There's a Firefly marathon on cable for the next 7+ hours. THANK YOU, TV GODS.

-So, guess what I did? Took a nap on Tuesday & slept through my doctor's appointment, that's what. Go, team! I need to stop doing that. Last night I managed to actually sleep at a semi-normal time (well, 6:30 am to 11:30 am. Better than noon to night!), but then I took a nap around four something & didn't wake back up until close to midnight.

-Before my nap, I spent the afternoon with crabbytreehouse. I'd been craving breakfast food hardcore lately (thanks a lot, Food Network), so we walked to Shari's & grabbed something to eat, then came back to my apartment & chatted for a while. I had orange juice, which is a no-no per my acid reflux, but God, whatever--sometimes I just want some juice, stomach! Deal with it!

-Bones isn't having its Fall premiere until Nov. 3rd, y'all. I'm having X-Files flashbacks. Hopefully this means ( spoiler for finale )

-I'm having one of those times when I don't know what I'm feeling -- like when you go to pick a "mood" for your lj entry & just sit there at a loss, like, "What IS my mood?" I think there's some sadness in there, but I don't know why. I'm not sure if it's my uncle's death, the email my sister sent, being reminded of my friends from last year while talking to Deiva today, or what. There's some aimless nervousness in there too, which might be over worrying about getting a job I won't hate, or even simply from my GAD & influenced by nothing-type shit like "Oh, I still need to do laundry. And I'd better call my aunt again, since I said I would in my message. And I need to finish my fic, already. And my trash is full. And and and…"--you get the idea. Sigh, whatever. I'm just gonna try to let it be. Parts of me DON'T feel sad & nervous, but I guess that's okay? Moods can be complicated? And I don't need to "figure out" & "fix" the parts that are feeling bad, because sometimes it's OKAY to feel bad when there are reasons? IDEK.

-Still rewatching Arrested Development on Hulu. I kinda wish I had a cornballer.

-Okay, I just figured out, yes, I am feeling sad. I mean, not overwhelmingly so, but it's there. I think, y'know, it's not even just about my uncle being gone--although it IS about that too--but it's also about the issue of loss. There was already so much of it last year, as well as the beginning of this year, and losing yet another person now is kind of touching on that for me. I also think having something to be sad over right now is somewhat stress-inducing, because I just honestly don't want to be sad about anything anymore. I'm tired of it. But I know this is just one of those things you have to allow for.

-I feel like I might have more to say, but I don't know what. I'm gonna try to work on my fic now, hopefully make a bit more progress, assuming my funky mood doesn't serve as a writer's blocky douchewaffle. We'll see.

For my VotD, here's a music vid from one of my Hot 26 chickadees:

…this whole "no TV" thing is already getting old. At least I have mac & cheese with chicken nuggets for dinner (yes, dinner after midnight. What?). That makes up for the suck at least a little.

Anyway. As promised in my last entry, I'm gonna be spamming you guys with the pictures I found. I'll start with the oldest & then move forward. And when I say "old," I mean OLD. Horse-drawn buggies up in this ish. Aw, yeah. (I love this kind of stuff. The clothes, the old-timey buildings, all of it.)

( spammy spam spam )

And that's it for this batch! The next entry will consist of photos from the 1970s-1990s, mainly. Prepare for hypercolor shirts & BBs.

Since this entry is so Pacific Northwest-focused (for the most part), my VotD will be one of a series of YouTube vids I found recently about my city. This one shows one man's interesting take of the area after having been here since the '60s, so it's sort of fitting.

1. Is anyone else but me watching the trial for the Casey Anthony case? I'm pretty hooked at this point, I have to admit. I haven't been watching it the whole time, but I did see the live courtroom coverage today & yesterday, and I caught up on clips from what I had missed online this morning. The prosecution's cross examination of the forensic entomologist today? Dayum. I wouldn't be surprised if he walked out of there limping.

P.S. For those who haven't heard already, Kathy Reichs (yes, that Kathy Reichs) will be an expert witness for the defense, though I don't know when she'll be testifying. At this time, I believe the defendant is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt--not just because of the circumstantial evidence, but because of the forensics--but I'm really looking forward to seeing what she has to say.

2. I got into a musey mojo zone the other night & had a good, long session of fic-writing (up to 1,970 words<--still not much, I know, but at least there's progression), thanks at least in part to a great playlist of songs by Tom Pyrdol. It helped me fall asleep later on my couch, too, after tossing & turning in bed for an hour. Let's hear it for relaxing/evocative tunes!

3. I emailed my resume to that HR chick a week ago & haven't heard back yet. I'm tempted to just walk over in person (maybe she wasn't the right person to contact? I got her name from my friend, not online or anything). We'll see.

4. I'm having kind of a lazy, irritable day. One of those days where you don't want to do anything, look in your fridge/freezer because you're hungry & go "BUT I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS. UGH!", and are just generally being a whiny baby. I'm probably PMSing, but it might have to do with certain things stressing me out in the background too. There's my nephew's birthday in a couple weeks, for one. There's the "I AM SICK OF BEING UNEMPLOYED, BUT DON'T REALLY WANT TO WORK AGAIN EITHER BECAUSE--CHAAAAANGE," for two. There's me acting like I don't care about my weight when I totally do. There's me being frustrated at myself for procrastinating so many things. And, finally, there's the emotional fallout that comes with reading the ACA book. Some of it is *extremely* insightful & fitting--in revelatory fashion, which is affecting in its own right--but then there's also things that drive me up a wall. I am NOT spiritual enough to want to hear about my ~Higher Power~ every minute, nor do I want to live an "ACA way of life" (what does that even mean? If you're talking about The Promises, fine, but SPELL IT OUT), or be told not to take *any* prescriptions (I'm sorry, but I don't agree that taking an anti-depressant is "self-medicating" for a "so-called mental disorder." UGH), or be told I have to attend meetings regularly (again: what does that mean?) & avoid "intellectualizing" in order to get anything from the program. I understand the benefit of feeling your feelings, and same goes for trying to attend meetings consistently, but the language is just so annoying. Especially when you add the spiritual stuff.

That being said, it's definitely worth reading for the things they say regarding family dynamics in a dysfunctional home--it's all pretty dead on, and even helps you see things you didn't previously (though like I said, it is emotionally affecting, so I find that I sometimes need breaks)--so I can put up with the bits that make me roll my eyes. I wish those parts didn't exist though, because it makes me feel more removed from the process than I'd like. It leaves me feeling oddly stressed; I have to separate what I agree with from what I don't agree with, and yeah. It's just difficult.

5. For my Vid of the Day, how about bringing back the "three songs I'm listening to today"-dealio? Not with the s-theme in this case, but just a few picks from the playlist I mentioned above. ( enjoy teh pretty )

It's been a couple days since I updated, so I feel like I should, but I'm having one of those issues where I can't think of what to write & everything I CAN think of sounds boring. So I end up just sitting & staring at the computer screen all "BLAH" like a human question mark. "Entry! Why won't you write yourself? Be a team player!" I hate that.

Anyway, I'll just ramble for a minute & we can all pretend it's interesting.

-I had a really bad migraine the night before last, and as a result I've slept more than I've been awake the last two days. I still don't feel quite "over it" yet--my limbs feel heavy, my stomach is frakked, it's hard to read things, when I went to the store yesterday I had difficulty talking (words came out wrong/stilted), etc. Immediately afterward, I felt simultaneously exhausted & yet extremely relaxed/almost good (migraine euphoria, in other words), but then (and now) I just came back to feeling out of it & vaguely depressed yet not. I'm used to all of it, but it's strange, especially because I don't always experience the postdrome phase so severely. It really depends on how bad the migraine itself is, usually (in this case, it was pretty bad). It's good to know there's a reason for all of it though. I find it comforting when I can understand what's going on with my body. It's kind of interesting, almost. The brain is an odd thing.

-During the few hours I was awake yesterday, I watched a couple episodes of some ghost show on cable (I always end up watching the most random crap when sick, I swear). It was your usual fare of sillyness--every ghost in the world apparently wears white dresses circa the Victorian era--but I heard a quote from one of the women that I liked: "God's delay doesn't necessarily mean God's denial." She said her dead father appeared to her & said that, which--whatever, who knows--but I don't think it matters whether it's true or even whether you believe in God. It's still a nice concept.

-Speaking of things I've heard lately that I liked, here's a few more:

"You make your choices and you live with them, and in the end you are those choices."-BSG

"Sometimes we have to leave people behind so that we can go on--so that we can continue to fight."-BSG

"Success is not a goal. It's a byproduct."-Friday Night Lights

"A friend once said, and I found to be true, that everyday people--they lie to God too--so what makes you think that they won't lie to you?"-Lauryn Hill

The last one is a line from a song, and I've of course heard it before, but it had been a while. I've been talking with jasminelily about some of the things my mom said to me in those emails, and the likelihood that she was lying about what my nephew said, so that lyric resonated with me.

-Parks & Rec this week was freaking hilarious. "I'm gonna make out with him. On his face." HA. Also: everyone drunk. BEST EVER.

-Community doesn't know how to be anything but awesome, I don't think. ABED WAS HAN SOLO, Y'ALL. HE MADE OUT WITH ANNIE & THEN WAS JUST LIKE, "COOL", AND WALKED OFF. Hahaha.

-I continue to enjoy Friday Night Lights. If I had Netflix, I'd stream it from the beginning, but I prefer living in the 20th century so I don't. Okay, so that's a joke, but it's not far off from the truth. Heh. I do want to rent the first season though. I suspect I will over the summer. There's a few other shows I plan to check out, too, most likely. Probably Farscape, Castle, and maybe Dr. Who. Maybe. I've seen a couple episodes & really didn't get sucked in, but I know a lot of people who are into it, so I'm open.

-Lastly, I'm still slowly but surely working on my fic, though this one has been giving me a hard time. I talked about it with keenai the other day though, ( which I'll include here, 'cause that's how I roll )

For my Vid of the Day, I'm gonna get my convert-powerz on. It's come to my attention that some of you are still not watching Community. This simply won't do. Hence, I shall provide clips to help make it right. You're welcome.

So, apparently my cousin was supposed to pick me up & forgot. Meanwhile I called my uncle earlier while my aunt was in the shower, and he was all, "I'll have her call you after she gets out," and then she never did. Finally, my cousin calls me at like 5:30 to apologize & let me know we'll get together for a barbeque next weekend instead. It's fine--I doubt my aunt would've invited me over if she didn't want to. I believe them that they forgot, or at least that something's going on & they didn't want to tell me; my uncle is very sick & they have a lot on their mind afterall--but I am disappointed. I got ready for nothing because my uncle told me we were still on as far as he knew. I figured they were just disorganized & would call me at the last minute, all "Can you take a bus?" or "Abram's on his way over." Oh, well. I just hope I'm still able to see my uncle next weekend, because it wasn't clear whether the bbq will be at my cousin's house or what. Argh, I hate vague plans. He's supposed to call me on Thursday to specify the day/time though, but we'll see.

Anyway, so now I'm eating Domino's and hunkered down for the night with YouTube & BSG. Enjoy another stand-up clip, courtesy of my boredom:



*edited to add: P.S. I forgot to add in my last entry that I also caught an episode of Friday Night Lights this week for the first time. I liked it, much as I expected. I plan to either check the first season out on DVD from the library (if it's in) soon or buy it if I can find a good enough deal.

1. More photo meme funtimes, ahoy! Here's torigates' request: "I'd like to see your kitchen and inside your fridge", and ( here's the oh-so-fascinating result )

2. My dreams continue to be wack-ass weird. I mean, on one hand I'm still getting the predictable family dreams, so that part's sort of status: normal, but on top of that they've just been so damned ODD lately. I found myself in some cheesy horror movie last night, and the baddie was a green-skinned (like the Wicked Witch) chick who would pop up out of nowhere and, like, stab you with her nails and shit if you didn't do whatever she wanted. Plus she had some magical power to make men obsessed with her. That by itself wouldn't be so weird (for a dream), but then guess how I convinced her to chill out & leave this one kid in my mom's family room alone? Why, I brought in Freddy Krueger of course. And she was all, "I'm not like that, am I?" And I was like, "Well, you're kind of a jerk. I mean, no offense." Hee hee. Then she felt all bad & let the kid go.[/clearly I'm a hero in my head]

Oh, and I totally hardcore made out with her afterward. HAHA. I think she had normal skin by then though.

What the fuuuuuck.

3. I've been working on my fic more, and I'm having a much easier time with it now. It's good to have something positive to focus on.

4. You know how you have to choose a mood for each entry? I keep running into the issue lately where I don't know what mood I am. There's honestly so many different things I feel about various parts of my life right now, and sometimes it leaves me feeling sort of…~nothing~ all over. Like, a big question mark. I just don't know. I do know I feel a bit lost regarding what to hope for & do with everything right now. There's still a lot of hopelessness & disillusionment in me, which I just sort of try to ignore. There's pain & anxiety over family stuff. There's a sense of failure, and the rut I feel stuck in when it comes to jobs & schooling & RL friendships & weight loss & self-improvement and…yeah, pretty much everything. But there's also, hey, at least my living room & kitchen are clean. Like, that's good. And fic writing also makes me feel good when it's going well, and I have a new candle lit in here that smells nice, and the weather's finally becoming spring-like, so those things are all positive. I've gained weight, which bothers me enormously, but I'm still rational enough to know five pounds is not the end of the damned world, and it could quickly be lost by walking. I don't know, whatever. Some of you know my depression has been pretty stealthy lately, getting much worse at nighttime/when I'm not distracted, but I'm still here, aren't I? And I'm trying to figure out how to find a balance between cheering myself up & not pushing problematic feelings down so that they'll just inevitably come rushing up later, like, "Surprise! Thought we were gone? THINK AGAIN. NOW WE'RE EVEN WORSE." You know? Oy, stupid FEELINGS.

Okay, ramble over. I will add though that I would really like to try & go to an ACA meeting this weekend. I'd also like to take a walk in Forest Park. I don't know if I'll follow through though (largely because my new jeans still aren't hemmed, and my other stuff is crappy looking. It's hard enough getting myself to walk anywhere nearby right now, let alone go downtown where people look nicer. Common sense would tell me "just go freaking get your jeans hemmed then! And do some laundry, stupid!" but it's like RIDIC levels of hard when you're depressed to get off your ass & do anything physical, especially for me if it involves possibly seeing other people). So, I won't say I'm doing it for sure, but I'm at least thinking about it. If I can just get myself to bring those jeans to the cleaners, that'll probably make other things easier & provide more motivation.[/ramble over for real this time. Don't mind me as I write think outloud about stuff no one else in their right mind probably cares about.]

5. My DVR failed to record Parks & Rec + Community AGAIN this week. WTF, mate? I changed the settings though to allow for reruns as well now; maybe it was marking new eps as repeats & then ignoring them or something. *shakes fist*

( It did however record Bones, thankfully. )

For my Vid of the Day, here's a fun Community tribute that I found today by bopradar. Makes me want to go rewatch all of season 1 all over again.

Yep, you read that right--1,000 posts. THEM'S A WHOLE LOTTA WORDS, CHICAS.

(Psst: note the Rocky theme song as my current music selection. Heh. *runs heroically up flight of stairs*)

Obviously, I couldn't let this ~momentous event~ pass by without some kind of tribute. I mean, seriously, if you stretched my entries out one per year, you'd have a millennium of Rachified Rambling. WHAT THE.

Thankfully, I have my Year in Review posts & lots o' tags for lots o' subjects, so taking y'all on a journey down Memory Lane is as simple as pie. (Though, can I just say, pie? Is not simple. WTF, cooking cliches. It should be updated to "simple as ordering a pizza." THAT'S simple. Plus, pizza can also technically be called a pie. HA, relevant.)

Anyway. I thought about how to organize this, and I decided that I wanted it to be something celebratory & fun; the sort of thing I could look back at later for cheering up when needed (similar to my Year in Review posts, but focusing solely on positive things). So, I gathered together a mess of smile-inducing pictures & quotes & other random nonsense from the last 8.5 years and smooshed it all together into one cray cray sentimental entry. It's exactly the type of time-suck project I needed last night, and I hope the rest of you will enjoy it too.

P.S. This misty water-colored event is dedicated to all of you on my flist, most especially: dosidella, keenai, sonneta, nomnivore, jasminelily, auroura76, maryng, and all the rest of the original Meta/TWoP crowd. Y'all have been with me from the *start*, and I KNOW you're a huge part of why I'm still here. And I do mean that literally. I am so grateful for all of you.

Aiiight, but enough of all that, and let's get down to it.

( Like the corners of my mind: 1,000 side effects of verbosity. Damn, this bitch can write )

I don't even want to know how long this will look, considering all the pictures. Heh. *covers eyes & hits "post"*

For my Vid of the Day, let's keep with the theme: